Uplifting

So I have gone no contact past couple of days and blocked his number but he can still send me emails and has been randomly, and am unable to block this on ***** (I have looked). Anyway, I am trying to stay strong this weekend and it is always hardest since I will have much more downtime and not busy with work. Also, he may be getting sober this weekend since that tends to be his pattern and he has been drinking all week, round the clock, as per usual. My old pattern has been to be in contact once he is sober, even if brief, I relapse emotionally and mentally once he is sober and don't want to do this again at this point since all that happens is being pulled back in gaining a window of hope and having it smashed and then all the same pain comes. But I am feeling more vulnerable in terms of loneliness and grief so I am scared of falling back this weekend. I have my 4 y/o son (not from my current A exbf) and will be with him all weekend so that will help and will try to keep as busy as I can, just I guess putting my fears out there and if anyone has anything that could help! I want to get to my Al Anon meeting but not sure i will be able to find someone to watch my son, so I have to work on that. thanks for listening and anything would be helpful since I anticipate I will struggle through this weekend...

dandylion

Uplifting.....I don't remember if I h ave suggested this for y ou, before....I have done it and suggested this for so many people.....
Make a list of the most painful aspects of this relationship for y ou....like the times you felt the worse about yourself or when he treated you the worst....
Carry it on y our body...and read it over and over when you feel the "urge" to relapse. If you keep your mind filled with the bad memories...there is less room for your selective recall or your "cravings".

This is just like the alcoholic getting through the first days of withdrawl and early recovery.......

Remember that you CAN control where your mind goes......if you control what you are thinking about...you are ahead of the game.
Thoughts trigger feelings.......
You can't get "lazy" though...you have got to stay on it......

dandylion

knowthetriggers

You can do this! Lift these thoughts and feelings to your Higher Power, take Dandy's suggestion and make your list..keep it close by as a reminder if necessary.

I like your thinking, stay busy! With a 4 year old that should be no problem at all!

Tight hugs to you!!

Uplifting

I think I read that suggestion in another post and definitely am going to give it a try.. And also figure out a way to work on that way that my mind can start to "cancel out" those bad memories or rationalize them away and start to deceive myself. I have to be really on top of it like you said and mindful that I am doing it. And it's so true about it being a craving like in withdrawal. soo true.. So I have to be stronger then ever this weekend and reach out or work through this in ways I haven't or fooled myself into not doing.. Thanks for the response!

FeelingGreat

Hi Uplifting, if you prepare carefully and keep in mind the reason for blocking him, I'm sure you'll get through successfully. From my experience it's the unexpected things that trip me up.

marie1960

Maybe, just hit the 'power off" button for the weekend ?

The whole must stay/be connected 24/7 is just too much sometimes.

You have options, you are in control of your life, all this fancy electronic equipment is to enhance our lives, not rule it.

Uplifting

I think I might.. "powering off" sounds scary, but empowering.. and since I will have my son, I really don't need to worry about who might be contacting me and for what, he is really all I need. Just have to keep remembering that. Maybe I should give my phone and laptop to a close friend in case I am too tempted! Haven't tried that before, might be worth a shot.

iamthird

Sometimes looking at that little face on your son will give you the strength you need. Focus on him. I have found that my child keeps me strong when I cannot be strong for myself.

SadInTX

thanks for posting this thread...I am going through the same thing this weekend..

FireSprite

Definitely take a break from electronics for long stretches even if you aren't comfortable shutting down completely. Leave the phone in another room, mute it completely & give yourself scheduled breaks to check it for emergencies. Although - shutting down completely for long stretches really helped me stay more present & focus on what was in front of me at the time. (& just how few emergencies there really were in a given day )

Personally I'd try to spend the time on positive stuff that is out of my normal routine, if possible. I'd make a list of all the things I could do to occupy my time now so that when I was feeling anxious I wouldn't be stressed to come up with something. A few ideas:

Yoga
Meditation
Coloring with DS
Going to a park/lake/anything outdoorsy in the fresh air
Clean out a junk drawer/closet
Read up on a new hobby
Hit the library
Dust off some old CD's & have a dance party with DS
Visit a friend or relative
Pick out a challenging new recipe & take your time/have fun with the food prep
Rearrange some furniture
Pick out a DIY project that DS can make for family Christmas gifts & get started on

ETA: I forgot my favorite non-kid stuff:

Long Epsom salt baths
Homemade facials, pedicures,
Extra SLEEP! etc. etc.

AnvilheadII

what out for the backside of your anxiety too...right now you are projecting that he WILL contact you and how you WILL feel - suppose you get thru the weekend only to find out he DID NOT try to contact you............that can throw us off balance too!

kayleezen

Hello Uplifting,

I so understand what you are up against this weekend! I've been no contact for about 45 days from my exab but the first 30 days I was completely lost and in terror every weekend.

I had no idea what to do with myself and it took everything I had not to call him. The loneliness and the grief is the kicker and it's good you see that. Keep in mind the longer you go with nc the better chance both of you have for healing and whatever will be. The roller-coaster is painful for both involved.

One thing I can say is I used to take my son to al-anon meetings with a portable DVD player or DS with headphones. We would sit in the back and color while he played his games and I didn't share but listening helped a lot. Some meetings also have childcare.

Another thing I've done is call every girl in al-anon I could find and share.
Do you have a sponsor or girls to lean on in the program?

kzen

Uplifting

I don't currently have a sponsor but would like to get one and have a phone list. Although have only been to a few meetings so haven't felt connected or comfortable yet really reaching out to someone.. But I would like to have that contact and that would probably be helpful this weekend that I am imagining being tough. So I will try the suggestions and keep busy and with my son which should help and reach out to friends and on here!
Also yes, I would say I do have anxiety and it is not only about whether he will reach out and what I will say, but also about what it feels like to just not have him or it or a relationship in this way as a distraction, the loneliness and grief yes and also not giving into my "craving" to contact him. Because all that would do is not let me off this rollercoaster that only leads to distress and pain, and even though I am "comfortable" in that pain, I want to start not being comfortable in it. And I have to keep present and reminding myself why I am in this position now and why I need to go no contact. And try my best to be more engaged with my amazing little one, who deserves all of me and a healthy strong me. Thanks for the ear to listen and feedback.!

kayleezen

Uplifting,
You are welcome and remember with the phone list, everyone on there is willing to take your call.

Call people, they have all been through something similar most likely. ..I have found in the last 60 days since I had to leave my exab girls and meetings have showed up for me.
It's exceptionally hard when you are parenting alone, it can be the trigger and it took me back to situations I would have never found myself in before being left by my ex husband, however through the program I learned a whole new world, a world I wanted a part of.

Turning off the phone is a great too and oh the peace you can find. Our child are only young once and I cherish the timed I blocked out the world and just spent that time.

Stay strong and remember progress not perfection.
It's a process and will be uncomfortable.

Blessings,
kayleezen

Uplifting

I appreciate all the understanding and strength that comes from this board and others who have been in my shoes and it deft has helped this weekend! It is certainly progress, not perfection.. I took my son on a hike in the drizzle and had lunch and just been relaxing and organizing and spending time with him, as well as considering joining online dating... but am sorting out if that is healthy for me or just another avoidance of painful emotions that will end up costing me. But I have been thinking about it for a while, and have been so deprived for a while of healthy affection and connections that I figure while I am working through all this and maybe give a shot on my terms...while I am going to therapy and talking it out too.
I also feel proud of myself that I did hear from the exbf through his mom (who is a good support and although she hasn't cut contact totally from him, is on my same page as he has already burned most of his family's bridges.) and he wanted to relay the message that he wanted to hear from me and wasn't doing well.. yeah of course he is not on many levels. And I was almost drawn into messaging him to let him know I got the message and reiterate where I am at and needing time and space from him, but I DID NOT, and feel proud of myself that I thought it through and knew it would not serve me at this time. Thanks for all the responses and I am looking forward to my next meeting...

dandylion

Uplifting.....congrats....I think you averted a fresh new pain!
no new contacts=no new pain.

You might want to also consider a meet-up group....that is a good and safe way to get your toes wet on starting some new social outlets.
New social outlets is a wonderful way to get your mind off the broken relationship.....

dandylion

Uplifting

Thanks dandylion, I definitely have been considering meetup as well.. and yes agreed no new contact = no new pain! that shall be my mantra..