Sharing vulnerability... hoping it can help..
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Sharing vulnerability... hoping it can help..
Here is something I started writing a few weeks ago when I felt in a healthier place, and the last paragraph I wrote today, back in my old place and want to get back to how I felt in that first part. It is related to the cycle of my codependency and not being able to let go fully of my A in active addiction. It is a long story to share but for now just wanted to share this as a way of catharsis or trying to heal or get feeback our out of my comfort zone in new ways.
It is long...
"One night she smiled, and that was the start. It happened and it was genuine straight from her healing heart. She breathed deeply from that space and quickly she knew, how an unfolding began and away she flew. She had hid in that nest and no longer could bear it, her wings yearned to fly and no longer would she spare it. How lovely a flight that she never did know, her eyes had been buried in that nest long ago. But as she would dare it and raise up her head, the mystery was unfounded and love for herself not quite dead. A glimmer would sit at the end of her stare and she would take a leap in that air with a most wondrous care. She knew where she was going, her sights were more clear and with this new vision her untested strengths drew near. She was guided by a wisdom that was carrying her through, that the answer was within her, and her heart always knew, of the mission to fill up her soul with self- love grown anew.
She felt most exposed in this place, and it gave her some fright, as it was within the darkness that she had felt the most painful delight. But as she stepped forward, head held up high, she could see the sweet light shining in, way up in the sky. She had seen it before, she knew it was there, yet her eyes had shifted blindly and pretended not to care. Once more she resisted knowing that which was not, but now her path shone forth on just the right spot. She would get there no matter what road she might take, knowing that her worn heart had an abundance at stake. Fears creeped in and away she would fly, at times back to that space where her heart felt less high. Then she moved on with a grace she so newly found, and flew back in that air soaring up as she viewed that same ground.
But at times she felt stuck and wanted back in that nest and heard whispers within her crying out for some rest. She wanted to face it, turn to it and yell, yet she stood frozen in that place of real and pure hell. How out of the dark she saw there was light, trying to move her new wings and keep her in flight. Her old habits had formed a shield that felt too strong, and in her new body it at times felt all wrong. She looked eagerly for that grace that had briefly crept in, but somehow she buried it again deep within.
It is long...
"One night she smiled, and that was the start. It happened and it was genuine straight from her healing heart. She breathed deeply from that space and quickly she knew, how an unfolding began and away she flew. She had hid in that nest and no longer could bear it, her wings yearned to fly and no longer would she spare it. How lovely a flight that she never did know, her eyes had been buried in that nest long ago. But as she would dare it and raise up her head, the mystery was unfounded and love for herself not quite dead. A glimmer would sit at the end of her stare and she would take a leap in that air with a most wondrous care. She knew where she was going, her sights were more clear and with this new vision her untested strengths drew near. She was guided by a wisdom that was carrying her through, that the answer was within her, and her heart always knew, of the mission to fill up her soul with self- love grown anew.
She felt most exposed in this place, and it gave her some fright, as it was within the darkness that she had felt the most painful delight. But as she stepped forward, head held up high, she could see the sweet light shining in, way up in the sky. She had seen it before, she knew it was there, yet her eyes had shifted blindly and pretended not to care. Once more she resisted knowing that which was not, but now her path shone forth on just the right spot. She would get there no matter what road she might take, knowing that her worn heart had an abundance at stake. Fears creeped in and away she would fly, at times back to that space where her heart felt less high. Then she moved on with a grace she so newly found, and flew back in that air soaring up as she viewed that same ground.
But at times she felt stuck and wanted back in that nest and heard whispers within her crying out for some rest. She wanted to face it, turn to it and yell, yet she stood frozen in that place of real and pure hell. How out of the dark she saw there was light, trying to move her new wings and keep her in flight. Her old habits had formed a shield that felt too strong, and in her new body it at times felt all wrong. She looked eagerly for that grace that had briefly crept in, but somehow she buried it again deep within.
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Uplifting....I think that one of the reasons that you are having such a tough time is because you keep reinforcing the relationship with him.
The worst kind of reinforcement----intermittent..... Yes, it's true.
There are lots and lots of therapeutic ways to allow "leaving the nest" to be a lot less painful.......have you availed yourself of any of these, in any way?
Notice I didn't say "painless".....as all breakups require a period of grief
(and grief h urts). It is short-term pain for the long-term gain. And, it is normal and necessary to pass through this painful part to get to the freedom that you speak of.....
I think it is good to continue to write when you feel like it.....and, to cry every day........
dandylion
The worst kind of reinforcement----intermittent..... Yes, it's true.
There are lots and lots of therapeutic ways to allow "leaving the nest" to be a lot less painful.......have you availed yourself of any of these, in any way?
Notice I didn't say "painless".....as all breakups require a period of grief
(and grief h urts). It is short-term pain for the long-term gain. And, it is normal and necessary to pass through this painful part to get to the freedom that you speak of.....
I think it is good to continue to write when you feel like it.....and, to cry every day........
dandylion
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I appreciate your response and agree about the intermittent reinforcement and it's true... Part of the reason it is so difficult is dealing with the grief and it is not just about him but guess he is an easier less painful way to avoid all those other more uncomfortable painful feelings at least for me. I am tied to him for reasons related to an apartment and financial at least until October (but we aren't living together so that's a good thing) so I have to have some contact, until then, but even so I could be minimizing it in more ways than I have been. And my plan/goal is to only communicate and have contact when necessary due to a financial obligation (which I have enabled him with many months ago and am trying to dig out soon as I can) I keep trying and yes recognizing my role in reinforcing the relationship and not acting on when I feel a certain way. Trying to act less and just be with myself and tolerate it more. But this is all new for me and I have lapses, so I am trying to remain on this site, am working in my own therapy and attending Al Anon when I can...
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Uplifting....is the greater part of the pain (for you) ,,,,the uncertainties of being "alone"......without an (imaginary) safety net....as you face the future alone....and not as a part of a couple......?
dandylion
dandylion
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dandylion, to answer your question, yes.. the unknown and the unknown of being alone without being a couple and the familiarity I know with that is very scary for me and brings me to a sad place. That is really where my work is with myself and for myself.. in the meantime trying to sort through all of that.
I have always been in a couple, for most of my life, and I am 36 and starting a journey where I won't be in that role is very new and unfamiliar and scary.. so yes.
I have always been in a couple, for most of my life, and I am 36 and starting a journey where I won't be in that role is very new and unfamiliar and scary.. so yes.
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Originally Posted by Uplifting 
dandylion, to answer your question, yes.. the unknown and the unknown of being alone without being a couple and the familiarity I know with that is very scary for me and brings me to a sad place. That is really where my work is with myself and for myself.. in the meantime trying to sort through all of that.
I have always been in a couple, for most of my life, and I am 36 and starting a journey where I won't be in that role is very new and unfamiliar and scary.. so yes.
I have always been in a couple, for most of my life, and I am 36 and starting a journey where I won't be in that role is very new and unfamiliar and scary.. so yes.
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Dandylion--- not trite, i know that's true I just want the getting used to it part to already happen! :-) but I need the reminder so thank you
Sadintx-- I appreciate and thank you for your virtual hug and am so there with you. And agree about the death and divorce.
My quick story is I am in process of getting divorced from my husband who I have been with for close to 15 years, he has his own issues but he is not the A in my life. He is a good man who I have an amazing child with and i was unfaithful to him in our marriage and when I found that starting to happen in myself again I decided was time to get out. Anyway with all that and being separated for over a year I ended up in an attachment and relationship with current bf who is in active addiction and PTSD both not being treated currently. I have been with him for a while now and in love with a fantasy of him and us and have had trouble letting go completely as that will be another loss of which I am responsible for in terms of knowing who he was and staying anyway. So sorry so long needed to share that. So yes this pain I'm avoiding feels like a death, multiple deaths of my doing really so I'm starting slowly and surely to work all that out and thanks for listening!
Sadintx-- I appreciate and thank you for your virtual hug and am so there with you. And agree about the death and divorce.
My quick story is I am in process of getting divorced from my husband who I have been with for close to 15 years, he has his own issues but he is not the A in my life. He is a good man who I have an amazing child with and i was unfaithful to him in our marriage and when I found that starting to happen in myself again I decided was time to get out. Anyway with all that and being separated for over a year I ended up in an attachment and relationship with current bf who is in active addiction and PTSD both not being treated currently. I have been with him for a while now and in love with a fantasy of him and us and have had trouble letting go completely as that will be another loss of which I am responsible for in terms of knowing who he was and staying anyway. So sorry so long needed to share that. So yes this pain I'm avoiding feels like a death, multiple deaths of my doing really so I'm starting slowly and surely to work all that out and thanks for listening!
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uplifting, sometimes we try to solve genuinely unhappy partnerships with "faulty methods". If you follow my drift......
It is very common.....
You have already suffered enough....
......so, stop beating up on yourself. That doesn't do anything but keep you from moving forward....
dandylionf
It is very common.....
You have already suffered enough....
......so, stop beating up on yourself. That doesn't do anything but keep you from moving forward....
dandylionf
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Yes I get the drift.. and yes, beating myself up is basically what I do "best" so I find it a difficult pattern to break, I take little steps forward and large leaps back, so it is within the leap back that I am working on not falling harder back but pushing forward again, It is like I am trying to rewire a whole new system inside me, exhausting! yet I know and have faith it will be worth it..
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