I am not your rock
 

There comes a time in our lives where we just can't go on living the way we are.
I look in the mirror and I see the lines of worry edged into my face, the downward bend of the lips, the sad, tired eyes........

Who am I? Somewhere in all this madness, I've lost the sense of who I am.

Did I ever really know to begin with?

Did the viscous cycle of abuse and dysfunction snag me at such an early age that I was hopelessly ruined from the get?

How on earth did my brain think that I could solve everyone else's problems when I'm so riddled with guilt, shame, and self-loathing?

How did I grow to hate me and doubt me so much?

I'm stopping for a moment...

I'm closing my eyes.....

I'm breathing...

WAIT!--- I'm breathing! I AM alive. I still have breath in me.
And while I still have breath in me, I'm going to breathe like it is my first and last.

(who told me that everything is MY fault? who told me I was worthless? Who told me that I'm the cause of all their misery?)

Some VERY unhappy people---that's who.

Some people that are suffering A LOT.

Some people who can't seem to find their way out of the fog.

Some people who don't even know they are in the fog.

Some people who really aren't a very good judge of character.

So...... how can I be a rock for these people? How can I be there and be present for people who can't see beyond their own selfish desires?

What would happen if I decided to be a little selfish and be a rock for myself?

What would happen if I trusted myself for the FIRST time?

I AM a rock.
I'm MY rock.

And to all my little "parts" inside that want to doubt and want to hate, there was a time when I needed you. You really came in handy...but I want to trust myself now. I need you to know that I will take care of us. I will take care of me.

I feel like the more I take care of me, the more I can see people (that have and continue to hurt me) and their suffering for what it is--- just that--- THEIR suffering. And while I can have compassion for their suffering- I cannot be their rock.

I was literally incapable of being their rock when I WANTED to because I was so unhealthy......
Now, I realize that it is in its nature, unhealthy to want to be a rock for someone else when I'm still learning how to be one for myself.

Just a vent-
please and thank you. :)

I absolutely love this! It's poetic and so true and resonates with where I am at with things for myself these days so thank you for posting! I have always thought of myself as the rock. For everyone. And although maybe I have been helpful, I have not been healthy enough by to be anyone's real rock and lately have thought of myself as a caterpillar masquerading as a butterfly all these years. And now I realize I am seeing myself as more true to who I am and although I feel more painful emotions than I ever have, they are getting me closer to health. Little by little. Thank you for sharing again and I will try to reread these words again and again..

Beautifully written... I love this!!!

may I add?

I am not your rock.
I am not your answer.
I am not your savior.
I'm not your mother, your nurse, or your doctor.
I am not your care taker.
I am not your dump site, your punching bag, or your counselor.
I cannot be your strength, your reason to live, or your teacher.
I am not your rock.
I am just me.
Just me.
And that is all that I need.

^^ yes!!!!

Free and Lemon....what great posts! Love, love, love!!!!

FANTASTIC post and helps me so much today! (((FTS))) Thank you!

When I tried and tried to be my A's rock, I sank to the bottom of the ocean with it. When I let go of that rock and let God be my rock, I can now breathe again.

Everyone: thank you, thank you! I so needed to hear this. I have been concentrating on being my AH's rock and I too have been sinking and I didn't know it...or I tried to deny it....I do want to breathe again...I will let God be my rock...I can't help him...he is so unhappy and suffering...he is just trying to cope with that by adding alcohol and that is not working very well...I will not let him drag me down with him!!!!

Adding to the limitless possibilities
 

I am not your property, your servant, your maid or your personal sex slave.

I remember my alcoholic ex calling me her "rock," her "safe place," and the "stable" one in the relationship. That post helped me a lot. I don't have to be someone's savior. I don't have to be the rock they can cling to when they mess up their own lives. I don't have to be the pillow they fall on when they decide to tumble off a cliff. I am my own rock.

Oh wow, I have heard all of these too. I was his rock, I was the stable one, he needed me, etc, etc. Ironically, I was also called many names such as a stupid, weak, dumb b!tch. I finally said well if that's case, then find another rock! I can't try and help you another second.

So what I needed to read tonight. Still doing battle with that in my own mind. My XAH is now wanting me to be his "stable friend" rather than "stable wife" now. Setting boundaries yet on that. Thanks for putting that up. I am slowly taking myself back, and learning to be my own rock as well.

Thanks everyone. I needed to read this thread today.

I am called a 'rock' too. Translated means his cop out from taking responsibility for real life.