Butterfly

I've really struggled with being respectful to myself and letting go of things I can't control. Think this has come to a head with my recent disaster with an old friend and I took an honest look at my behaviour.

Some may remember that initally I was honest with him about how I could on be friends and if he wanted more then it couldn't be with me. He was fine with the hat but continued the flirty text messages and instead of showing my feelings and boundaries respect I responded, I enjoyed the attention. We kissed a few times then he decided that he wasn't ready for a relationship and felt it was better we stayed friends. That I could accept but I didn't understand why he was backing off., we were friends before anything happened.

This is when my behaviour became irrational. I thought I had done something wrong I didn't understand why he was being so distant. I apologised for things I might have done for things I didn't do. I asked why his attitude had changed, he stopped contacting me, asking how I was or asking anything about me. All I got was your not ready and I'm not ready it's better we remain friends! I knew this but he had changed, maybe I didn't want to accept that he may have been after one thing but realised I wasn't that type of girl! Guess I didn't want to think that someone who was so important to me all those years ago had changed!! I have asked to meet up for a coffee 3 times and every time he says il let you know but then doesn't. He replies when I text but as I said its strained. I've apologised for how I acted for behaving so anxious, insecure, paranoid I over thought everything. I apologised for things I didn't even do!!!!!

Anyway this situation has made me look hard at myself, I am embarrassed by my constant asking why he had changed towards me, I realised I didn't trust him which was why I kept asking. No excuse I should have just accepted his behaviour and let go. Not trusting is an issue I have to work on, aswell as accepting others people's choices and behaviours, I don't have to like it but I don't have to stick around either and let others treat me with disrespect. I think for me I want to be liked by people and still seem to bend over backwards to make people like me even if I know there behaviour isn't healthy for me. I looked at his actions!!

I haven't contacted him in 4 days and I won't when I feel the urge to contact him I say to myself respect yourself. how can I expect anyone to behave respectfully towards me when I don't respect myself.

Guess this is also part of self care and looking after myself I have some amazing friends who make an effort to spend time with me and I with them. These are the people I need to keep around, those who genuinely care about me. I can't keep beating myself up for everything I've done or not done but I do need to make changes for me and focus on me.

Sorry for the rambling post.

Uplifting

I am so with you on this and hear you. I am trying to work on very similar things and find it difficult and sometimes it is easier than others, usually depending on how needy I am feeling and certain vulnerabilities that I have... Thank you for posting as it reminds me to respect myself more too!
I also love your quote under your name about value not decreasing.. I have to keep that more tightly in my mind!

Butterfly

Yip the neediness and vulnerabilities are hard to manage!! I was told by someone on this site, can't remember who to think the whole story through when I wanted to contact ex a and think through how it will unfold and how I will feel. I'm trying very hard to do this more.

FireSprite

YES!

I found it helpful to re-examine every. little. thing. that I thought I knew about myself. (Especially anything I had an absolute yes/no answer for.)

Now, hear me out, I know this sounds a bit over the top.... but I'm talking about every. little. thought.

It was the only way I could determine what was real & what was stuff I'd picked up as part of my dysfunctional relationships. And sometimes I found that I simply never re-visited some of these old definitions at all & just kept right on accepting them.... Once I realized that my recovery was more than just dealing with RAH & that so much of it was built on an ACoA foundation it all just tangled together & became a mess. I had no idea who I was or how I'd become that person any longer, I didn't trust a single thought in my head. In those times all I know to do is to take a giant step backward & just observe.


Observing myself meant paying close attention to all of my thoughts & my entire thought process. (it takes some practice to see yourself from a different perspective) And then I questioned it, often talking out loud to myself because I "hear" it differently than I "think" it. Here's an insanely simple example:

I go to the ice cream shop & they ask me what flavor I'd like.

Immediately I respond, "Chocolate!" in my mind because I've always liked chocolate ice cream.

Then I think..... have I? I examine the thought & go way back & realize that yeah, I like the flavor, the texture & the richness of chocolate ice cream. Awesome.

OR - as I examine I realize that when I was a kid, AF always took us for ice cream when he was feeling particularly remorseful about his drinking & drugging. He always ordered chocolate so I did too; it helped me to feel bonded with him in those moments & I felt so grown up & special ordering it. Come to think of it..... I really don't LIKE chocolate ice cream, I'm just used to eating it. I prefer vanilla with chocolate added, like hot fudge...... so THAT's what I order. Huh - I always judged others for ordering it that way, but maybe that judgment was rooted in jealousy? After all - they're ordering & getting exactly what *I* want!


In real-time as I was going through this I was more likely to order the chocolate (knee-jerk reaction) & then sit there dissatisfied & mentally work it out so that the next time I walked in I was ready to order it *my* way.

I found that I had been rejecting ideas because they were different & change made me uncomfortable. I was willing to sacrifice possibilities for safety. When I got comfortable with the idea that failing at something new wouldn't be the end of my world I opened up & tried new things. I discovered that the risk was worth the reward because as I adjusted bit by bit, I started to like myself again just for trying.

I found parts of myself that I had buried away. I created new parts out of my new experiences. I got rid of what no longer served me. I tweaked the pieces that just needed updating. Baby steps. Teeny. Tiny. Nano-steps. Infinitesimal. Sometimes I walked in circles, sometimes an insignificant thought uncovered a huge growth point.

You can do this Butterfly, I truly believe it.

honeypig

FireSprite, you absolutely ROCK. ^^^ What a great post!

Butterfly

Thank you firesprite. I find myself analysing every thought, every behaviour what I still need to learn is to not to beat myself up when I fall. I have always over anayalised my thoughts but let my negative thinking control my actions and mood. Such as seeking reassurance and thinking negatively about myself!!

It's funny I have been thinking about what I like why I like it? I went into a coffee shop and the cinema the other day by myself felt a bit nervous at the start then realised that I liked sitting having a hot chocolate and reading s book and while I enjoyed the movie not so much sitting by myself. Now that may be because it's new so I will try again and see how I feel.

CarryThatWeight

Wow, I see so much of my own behavior in your post! I am so codependent but working on it! Keep going one day at a time. Awareness is progress.

Butterfly

Thanks carrythatweight. Control is a big issue for me and I'm slowly trying to let go. I can't control other people's behaviour only my response to it! It's not easy changing the behaviour we have learned and that has become part of us but for today and the last few days I've felt stronger. It's the days when I don't feel so good about myself that I struggle to manage. I guess these are the days when self care and self love are more important.

Uplifting

This thread is so amazingly and awesomely relevant for me right now and necessary that I feel very grateful to be on here and understood on so many levels I never even realized or wanted to acknowledge needing to be understood on! I have felt somewhat "crazy" lately not trusting myself and my own thoughts and responses but also it is freeing and feels like where I need to be, but it is soooo hard and the automatic responses and actions that come from my very powerful buried emotions are very hard not to act on at times. But you all give me some strength and hope that it can be done and I am not alone on this journey. I need to observe myself and my thoughts and feelings more, and also be gentler to myself when I don't. I find it is easier and sometimes I just crave to displace all my rage on my A and his behavior, when really most of it as at myself..

jjj111

Butterfly, what you went through with this guy is so familiar to me. I, too, have been in relationships that I knew just weren't right for me, the timing was wrong, or we wanted different things, or we just didn't really have that much in common, or they were an addict...so many reasons why I should have let these relationships go! And sometimes I would get as far as acknowledging that and distancing myself, but then when the other person distanced themselves, too, I'd panic and do things I later regretted. I'd get angry, frantic, punitive, lots of stuff I'm not proud of. I think for me that it's partly about a fear of abandonment. I have a really dramatic emotional and physical reaction when I feel abandoned. And it's also partly about control, especially when I feel rejected. I've been working really hard over the past few years to accept that not every guy I'm attracted to is going to like me back, and that I don't have to take it personally when they don't, and also that I don't have to hide my feelings just because they might not feel the same way. I have been trying my best to be honest about my feelings when the time seems right, while also maintaining my equilibrium when it doesn't go my way. It's really hard! But I think for me what helps most is trying really hard to maintain a sense of humility, that not all men are destined to fall in love with me (so hard to accept, ha!), and also some faith that things happen for a reason and the right one will come along when it's meant to be.

Butterfly

Uplifting it takes time to deal with feelings and emotions that we buried so deep. For me my focus was always on ex a. You will get there be gentle on yourself.

Jjj111 thank you what you said has helped me understand a lot more.

redatlanta

I think it is helpful to also step back outside our box and question - is this significant enough situation to warrant the energy I am putting into it?

I can tend to think the worst of situations and do at times think that something is up when it is NOT. I now force myself to say "STOP" - and ask "is this reasonable"? Feelings that you haven't felt for a long time were activated; however, the bottom line is you briefly involved yourself with a long time friend where there were mixed signals and some shared kissing. This is not an unusual situation just uncommon for you as you have been married for so long.

In the end you did not invest much into this beyond a one night meeting. I am not denying your feelings were strong. Next time, and there will be one you won't stay single, stop, back up, and look at your investment before you jump. It may save you spiraling into the vortex. I still have to do this myself.

Glad you seem to be moving along from this.

FeelingGreat

Butterfly I've noticed that lately you've not been focusing on your EXAH so much.

This is real progress, even if it is at the expense of your bruised ego. Early dating rarely goes smoothly after so many years married.

From what you told us about this guy he wasn't a model of appropriate behaviour himself. Talk about mixed messages!

I know everyone says it but one day you'll look back at this, wonder what the fuss was about, and laugh.

Lilro

I know everyone says it but one day you'll look back at this, wonder what the fuss was about, and laugh.

God, I hope so FeelingGreat! I too am struggling with control? Abandonment? My mind wanders.....what's he doing? Is he seeking treatment? Is he seeing others? Pathetic, I know. I always thought that I thought highly of myself, I guess not!
After 5 years I am finally doing the things that I WANT TO DO. How nice it is to be able to go away for a weekend with my friends and not have to worry about what kind of craziness he is up to while I'm gone!
I received a text from him last week telling me he has started the steps towards treatment. He met with a rehab counselor and was advised that he cannot move forward until he is off of his anxiety meds. Not sure if he is blowing smoke up my *** or is actually telling the truth. Not sure why I should even care but I do. The next text he tells me I abandoned him!! Ugh!! Really??? Ok. He still doesn't get it.
Whatever..... All I can do at this point is move forward and continue working on me!! Thanks for listening.... I am grateful I have you all to vent to!

Butterfly

Thanks redatlanta and feeling great.

Feelinggreat I think I am beginning to accept my situation and that I can't control exa, I never could he has to make his own choices. I've even stepped back from his relationship with the kids. If he lets them down that's his issue I'm there for them and I get annoyed that he has let them down again!! I don't worry about him or wonder what he's up to anymore. I love him but I have to focus on me and I've reached the point where I want my divorce, I want to get rid of my married name and go back to my maiden name! I want him out of my life for good.

Your right he gave me mixed messages as did I. I got so mixed up with my feelings of wanting to move forward, to kiss him , not wanting to mess things up and knowing I wasn't ready I was honest at the start but didn't keep listening to myself. I'm trying not to beat myself up about asking him so many questions about why his attitude had changed, he says it didn't but it felt it had to me and if I look at his actions he doesn't want to be friends! I guess I was also trying to convince him that I was worthy to want me as a friend that I wasn't nuts just a lot of issues from being with an A for all those years. Again I chased someone who showed me who they were and I didn't believe them. I am feeling sad about it all my insecure behaviour, trying to fix something that the other person didn't want fixed. My heads all over the place again but more about my own thoughts and feelings.

Lilro you will get there just take it one day at a time and keep the focus on you!!

hopeful4

Butterfly, I think you are finding the wonderful person under the layers of hurt and anxiety. That's a super great thing! Give yourself credit lady, you are a wonderful person. We all see it, and I hope you do too!!!

XXX

Butterfly

Thank you hopeful