Struggling

Old 06-23-2015, 05:25 AM
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Struggling

Hi I have posted here once before but I have had a good look around and find the posts very helpful.

I asked my husband to leave about 10 weeks ago as his binge drinking was getting out of control and started misusing work and other important appointments because of his 2 and 3 day benders. He is staying with his parents and doesn't want help even though he knows he has a problem as he has admitted it to me on a few occasions. I have brought the extent of his drinking out in the open and now everyone knows but he is saying that he doesn't have a problem and that we just aren't getting on and that is why we split. At the moment he is trying to control it and is only drinking at weekends but will stay out all weekend. Is this common for an A to try and control their drinking?

Since I have brought this out on the open he has been horrible to me to the extent where he made sure that he told me that he met a girl in a bar and that our marriage is finished. When I asked why he did this he said because I threw him out and I said I did so he would get help to which he replied well your plan backfired!

On one of his hangover days he told me he wanted to come back and that he would get help and that he knows 99% of our problems are caused by his drinking but changed his mind the next day! Is it also common for an A to feel guilty and remorseful on their hangover day?

We have a little girl and I love him very much and we had a very good life together before the drinking took over and I'm struggling to move on after 18 years

Sorry this is long winded and all over the place like myself. I don't even know what I am asking but maybe just some advice? Thanks.
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Old 06-23-2015, 05:32 AM
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T- I am sorry that you are struggling. It is so horrible to love someone who loves something more then us, alcohol. His is an addict and he will say and do anything to make you feel sorry for him, or get his own way. You have to take what he says to you, with a grain of salt. There is nothing you can do for him, but give him to God.

You need to work a program so you and baby T can have a good life. She deserves a healthy mom. You need to try and hit an alanon meeting to help you disengage with AH. The more you do for your self will put you in a stronger place to deal with the future. Alcoholism is progressive, it will never get better till he works a program and gets sober and it sounds like he is no where near that.

Hugs my friend, keep posting and reading. This to shall pass!!
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Old 06-23-2015, 05:46 AM
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Hello Tangled,
I am 61, and I drank for 40 years. My wife at one point asked me to not come home 'drinking' anymore, and I was shocked. That started a long road ... I tried to 'moderate' ... then I realized I did have an 'addiction' which I could not control. It took a long time, in & out of AA, counseling with a Pastor friend, being asked to leave the house several times (which I did to keep from causing excessive calamity in the family). It wasn't pretty.

AA eventually changed my life. Actually it was not until I Worked The 12 Steps of AA that my life was transformed.

My wife and I now have a great relationship. I have been sober for a year and a half. I could not imagine the person I am now, when I was in active addiction. Sorry to say, but No One could help me until I hit the place inside myself that I HAD TO WORK THE PROGRAM. It was not pretty.

My only suggestion is for you to read the book, Alcoholics Anonymous. Unfortunately, you cannot change him, but the book will explain how the Alcoholic 'is'. Also, I found that prayer may not have an immediate effect, but it is IMPORTANT.

No matter what, and I PRAY this works out for you and your family as it did in me and in my family ... You have the absolute right and responsibility to shield yourself and your daughter from the onslaught that active alcoholism brings.

RDBplus3 ... finally FREE, and I am Praying that for Your Family
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Old 06-23-2015, 07:03 AM
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It is very hard and I do plan on going to an Al-anon meeting but I hadn't been well the last few weeks I guess this has hit me hard and it's only now that I realize that I also need help. I just don't understand it and how he could throw his whole life away for this without any compassion for me or our little girl. He really doesn't care.

Right now he has gone on a holiday that was meant to be a family holiday but has gone with a load of lads to which he admitted would be a "**** up" as he said he was never on one of those holidays before. Is it wrong of me to wish that something bad will happen to him because I want him to feel even a small portion of how I feel now! And I hope it smacks him hard in the face some day just what he lost!
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Old 06-23-2015, 10:29 AM
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For me ... active alcoholism led to the very predictable state of Pitiful & Incomprehensible Demoralization. It was not pretty.

It may be best to step back from it ... the closer you stand, the more likely for the ugliness to splatter on you and your daughter.

Turn to focus on the best you can do for you & her ... it may be the better alternative than looking at the ugliness, and inevitably getting splattered by it. Do not cast what you have of the 'Pearls' still available in your life, to your AH if he has chosen to run with the 'swine'.
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Old 06-23-2015, 11:33 AM
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Well I have not had any contact with him for the last 3 weeks only with regard to our daughter as he takes her one night a week and rings her every night when he is not out drinking (he forgets all about her when he is drinking and has on occasion not showed up for her because it). I had to have no contact with him as the last time we spoke he upset me so much I ended up having to go to the doctor as I started having panic attacks so it is better that way.

I am staying well back now and let his parents put up with him! What hurts the most is that his family know what I have been putting up with and they haven't called once to see how we are doing and we always got on very well
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Old 06-23-2015, 11:41 AM
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Hi Tangled! I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I can say I know some of what you feel. My ex and I broke up after 4 years and I'm devastated. I couldn't imagine losing someone after 18 years. Please hang in there!! I can't believe his family hasn't tried to contact you to see how their granddaughter is doing.. as well as "YOU", knowing the disease that he has. I'm so sorry!! *HUGS* to you!!
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Old 06-23-2015, 11:55 AM
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Yes 18 years we have been married for almost 7 of those years. We have been together since we were 16 years old! I guess that is why it is so hard.

I think I always kind of knew he had a problem but we were young and I thought he would grow out of it and I would never have guessed it would get this bad. I started to notice it more after our daughter was born as I was not going out much myself but his life didn't change for the best it just spiralled out of control even more
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Old 06-23-2015, 12:02 PM
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Have you guys ever taken a break? Like a healthy break? My ex and I have done that a couple of times, to have some "me" time and get our feelings back on track. This isn't a break for us. I broke up with him. I couldn't take the drunk fights anymore. Only time we fought! Stupid drinking! So, I broke up with him, had a final hurrah the next evening and the next day I quit! Maybe if you took a break, he would realize what he's losing. That's horrible for your daughter to have to go through her dad not being in the picture. Ugh
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Old 06-23-2015, 12:20 PM
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Tangled, try to lower your expectations surrounding his family's behavior. Blood is thicker than water in these cases, and parents, siblings - they are far more likely to take sides with their own kin long past the point of reason.

This is all part and parcel to why alcoholism is often referred to as a "family disease."

He is saying and doing all of these things because he is an addict. His addiction is trying to protect itself, and he doesn't even realize it right now. Until he does, until he is ready to recognize what this is costing him, this will get worse. Better that you and your little girl do not have a front row seat for this chaos.

This is way beyond "taking a healthy break."
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Old 06-23-2015, 03:40 PM
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Definately way beyond a break! He has gone too far and I will never go back to that life again my little girl wouldn't thank me for it and I don't want her growing up thinking that that kind of behaviour is acceptable!

I know blood is thicker than water but a call to to see how their granddaughter is or to ask if they can help out with her isn't too much to ask! I know they are probably going through their own thing with him right now as I know they were all sick of his behaviour and everyone has tried to talk to him but as far as he is concerned he is fine and doesn't need help!

I just wish it was a year down the line so I could feel some way normal again.
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Old 06-23-2015, 04:09 PM
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Sorry. I'm just an optimist.
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Old 06-24-2015, 02:20 AM
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I used to be an optimist aswell but in this last year I have had to ask him to leave on 4 or 5 different occasions so we have had plenty of breaks but they never changed anything. He would be fine for a few weeks and promise us he would change but would always revert to his old ways!

I think he might be suffering with depression also as a result of a family tragedy many years ago that he never sought help for. His whole personality changed. He is mostly in bad form and says that nothing is good and that there is nothing to look forward to. He says that when he drinks he feels better and that he doesn't even love himself. Does alcoholism and depression come hand in hand?

I don't even know who I am anymore. I used to be full of confidence and bubbly but I think I lost myself in all of the drama over the years with trying to make everything ok for him. My councillor asked me who I was before I met him but I was 16 years old young, free and single with no responsibilities so how do I go back there?

I feel mostly sad for my daughter having to grow up without a proper family as she loved us all being together. When I see other families together it breaks my heart even more because sometimes she will say "I wish my dad was here" . She has also seen his behaviour and asked him if he loves us why does he always go drinking and she is just 4 years old but none if that has struck a cord with him!

I'm just lost at this stage.
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Old 06-24-2015, 03:41 AM
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Yes Alcohol and Depression can go hand in hand. Additionally, alcohol is a depressant.

I am sorry to hear your AH went through a family tragedy. Yes, at those times people can make the wrong decisions or turn to substances to alleviate their pain. However, tragedy in itself does not "make" one an alcoholic. IMO, these type situations become and excuse which can be used for many, many years. You will find many a codie (and alkie) that blame their situation on things that happened YEARS before. If this was something your husband was having difficulty getting over he should have found guidance in the way of counseling or psychiatry not the bottom of a bottle. There is no cure found in a bottle of alcohol, only more pain.

how you describe yourself is common - the spouse/partner becomes just as sick as the addict. The way to get back there is first to get away from the source which you have done. Continue to go to your therapy and work on things. It takes awhile to adjust to anything new it will take you awhile to adjust to life without you AH in it stirring the pot. Sooner than you think you will begin to feel relief and optimism.
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Old 06-24-2015, 03:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Tangled34 View Post
1. At the moment he is trying to control it and is only drinking at weekends but will stay out all weekend. Is this common for an A to try and control their drinking?


2. Is it also common for an A to feel guilty and remorseful on their hangover day?
1. Really, really common Tangled. I'd say most A's try to moderate before some of them are able to stop. A's find it hard to imagine life without alcohol, so they try to keep it in their life by telling themselves they can moderate. It doesn't last, and I bet your AH is white-knuckling right through the week because he's staying with his parents. He's probably already started 'cheating' by sneaking drinks.

2. Hangover day equals remorse day. It lasts until the first alcohol craving hits, and then the flexible A's mind starts inventing reasons why it's ok to go on drinking.

I'm sorry he's so angry and in denial because it's hard on you, and doesn't give you much hope of him finding clarity anytime soon. One scenario might be him wanting to come home and making all sorts of promises, but I don't think you're likely to be fooled.
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Old 06-24-2015, 05:40 AM
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Thank you Red and Feeling great. He has gone to counselling on three different occasions and once to marriage counselling but he says he doesn't find it helps mostly because he doesn't want it to and won't admit that he has any problem. He has said to me that he has a nagging feeling that just won't go away.

He doesn't drink everyday but goes on benders for a few days but these benders are getting more frequent and since he has gone they are happening every weekend and on weekdays he goes to bed at 7.30 p.m as his parents have told him that if he starts missing work again he is out of their house! Alcoholics is progressive so does this mean he is alcohol dependant? And what follows this?

Also he tells our daughter that he was working when he doesn't show up or ring. How and when do I explain to her what is going on? Is she a bit young yet? At the moment he takes her one night a week but I don't want him drinking around her and so far I think she is safe and in his parents and don't think he would put her in any danger but how will I know if things get worse?

I have a relative who is a RA over 10 years now and she says that where he is going can only be described as hell on earth and unless you have been there it's very hard to explain and that we cannot and should not be with him when he gets there!

He says that he will always love me but is not in love with me as he doesn't love himself but I think that is just a cop out as he couldn't have asked for a better life! Could he be saying these things because I tried to interfere with his drinking because when he was on his last bender before I asked him to leave he text to say "are we ok? Are you going to freak?" And then said "it's only an issue if you make it one"?

I don't think he will try to come back now as he said that " he broke us". He said he is now getting on with his life hence meeting the girl in the bar which I think he told me about it to hurt me more as he was not one bit nice about it the way he told me as he is gone now and I really didn't need to know! The drinking was one thing but I think he tried to destroy me altogether by letting me know that!

Sorry for all the questions just trying to understand. Thanks again.
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Old 06-24-2015, 05:54 AM
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Alcoholism is an addiction to alcohol. The only cure is permanent abstinence. The I love you but am not in love, blah, blah may or may not true or just the addiction speaking. But definitely believe him when he says he doesn't love himself. Most alcoholics don't. If we did we wouldn't be alcoholic. It has nothing to do with how wonderful your home is or isn't.

Your daughter is so young and already notices daddy's alcoholism? I would get her in therapy
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Old 06-24-2015, 07:52 AM
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Very common sadly. It's a merry go round, but you don't have to stay on it.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:30 AM
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"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a key phrase you'll see in any infidelity website or book. It's a classic rationalization and is separate from alcoholism. I heard those same words and didn't really understand them. I thought it meant I needed to try harder. Now I think it means--I love you, but I've chosen not to be "in love" with you or try anymore. It's a choice. And those words sound good because they make it sound like he's a good guy while he's rationalizing away unfair behavior.

I do believe he doesn't love himself. That part is probably true. And he sounds honest that he doesn't really want to fix the addiction either.

It appears that he has convinced himself he wants to drink and not be accountable to you...and that it's okay. Thankfully he is at least saying the words.

The hard part is what you do with it. I'm so sorry.

Sending you hugs. You're worth so much more than what he is able to give.
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Old 06-25-2015, 10:45 AM
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Thank you guys for all of the advice. I am glad I found this page.

Very few people have the perfect marriage we all need to work at it every now and again when times are tough and the majority of people aren't "in love" all of the time either as there are times that we could all throttle our significant other over one thing or another! But throw alcoholism on top of that and there is no room for anything or anyone else!

Very sad for all involved. If only our love for them was enough.
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