Why abuse victims don't leave.
 

I don't know if this was ever done here. There are many reasons for it.

..Psychological abuse, almost like brainwashing, It make you feel
that you are just stupid.

..Financial abuse, they are in charge of the money. Whether you work
or not.

.. Isolation. The abusers favorite tactic.

..Children. You are afraid of the custody battle.

..Threatening your life and having the ability to track you down.

..Disability

..No place to go

..Stalking

..Fearing for your life

There are many more, just cant think now.

My ex's favorite was isolation, taking the car, telling me all my friends hated me, telling stories about me, the silent treatment and disappearing, leaving me in the house with our cat and dog. I had a place to go to, but they were allergic to dogs.

.. Developed mental problems, I do have PTSD from this, also anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and situational depression.

I think it would be good for all of us that are in abusive relationships or were to say why we stayed so long.

I sometimes hate that people think that we were weak.

In fact, I think we were strong, who else could have lived through that and be a survivor?

I also don't like the myths that we are weak.

(((((((((hugs to everyone who is going thru this, or who has gone thru this )))))))))
amy

I worked in Social Security. I had a woman come in to change her name and social security number. Her ex was in jail. He had slit her mothers throat, she died, and tried to slit her throat. She had a scar on her neck. He was in jail and he was still tracking her down.

I was at a DV shelter. The woman there, after they got out of the hospital, were just all black and blue.

Were they weak? I don't think so.

I really happen to believe that all abusers, to this degree have mental illnesses. I also even shudder when I say "to this degree". There actually some that will just walk away, but you will never know, You can say that he didn't hit me, yet, but what does that really mean, and are you willing to bet your life and your childrens life on it.

((((((((hugs)))))))
amy

Thanks Amy.

My dad was a drinker who was mentally abusive to my mum. For years she wanted to leave him, but didn't. I grew up with the idea it's ok to have people nasty and abusive, you just keep forgiving them!

My husband is completely opposite, I must say.

But, why my mum didn't leave, she was a strong woman she could've. But she told me once he would track her down she would never get peace from him plus she had five kids to look after . I could never understand it as a child.

Looking back at the news over the years, if my mum had left with us, would we have become a statistic? Father who flipped and killed his kids and wife and himself, I don't know? Those situations are so tragic.

But weak, never weak, to cope with the abuse, mental or physical, a strength beyond anything I know.

Thank you Mags 1, My ex did go away, his mental illness was to prove that I do not exist. Highly suspect "painted black" by BPD. Thing is you never know.

The statistics of so many woman being killed once they decide they need to leave is really high. Also to think about the ones that kill their children also.

It just gets me sick.

My dad was also abusive and my mom stayed. She said she couldn't see him surviving by himself, but she never talked to him. She just totally ignored him. I guess she detached. I couldn't. I was his favorite.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

You also have religion.............

Kidnapping to another country.

Parental alienation

OK, getting brain dead, after 2:00am

amy

Thank you Amy. Yes it takes so much strength to stay in an abusive relationship and that much more strength to get out. None of us grow up and dreamt one day our husbands would abuse us. It has only been a crime since the 1990's. It is relatively new and a lot of people and law enforcement agencies and judges do not have a good handle on exactly what the ins and outs of an abusive relationship is to the abuser and the abused.

I often think the emotional and psychological abuse is worse than the physical abuse. The scars and wounds heal but the emotional and psychological damage never really goes away.

I have read some of the abused stories on this forum, I have met people while going through my ordeal that are or were abused. Not once did I ever think of these women as weak. I have always found them to be of great strength. It takes a very strong person to endure the abuse day in and day out and manage to maintain a "normal life" to the outside world. Or be able to take care of their children and pets.

No one deserves to be abused in any way shape or form. And no one ever does anything to cause abuse. The abuse is caused only by the abuser and their sickness.

I did wish so many time during those circular fights that went no where, except to put me down that he would hit me. I thought that at least he could see that hurt if I had bruises. That stopped also. He had new blames for me.

I think it's like when you get married, you know that he is an individual person, and so are you. You "think" some compromises need to me made, so you are willing to do this. You listen to his critizism, of you over and over, you mention one thing, and the war starts. You were even normal, you thought you could have a resolution, but thats impossible.

You start doing everything even though you work full time and he is still telling you that you are lazy. I see so many people coming here in that situation. Feeling like the can't do everything without help, yet they have been doing it. They just didn't realize it...... but how to get away...........you never know.

I think I also had a problem with being called an enabler. I did what I did to survive.

amy

And that is what you are a survivor! You are not a victim. And a survivor of abuse does sound much stronger than a victim of abuse, doesn't it?!!!

Although I feel like we ( those of us that have been and are being abused) are all victims of the abuse from our husbands but we are all survivors because we are still here to discuss it!

I was waiting for my car to be repaired the other day. And there were the two cutest little boys in the waiting room. I started talking and playing with one of the boys and the man with them looked at me and said their mom had died in a domestic violence situation and he had just gotten custody of her children. Then something he said, made me realize it was his daughter that had been killed. It was less than a five minute interaction, but I knew I was meant to meet that man that day. I felt he was an angel sent to make sure I received that message.

There is so much confusion about domestic violence and abuse by those being abused and the onlookers that do not have the slightest idea of what it is like to be in an abusive situation. To the many people that defend the abuser.

But let's be clear, the only weak person in an abusive relationship is the abuser!!!

That gave me goosebumps, wow, what an experience. It sent shiver down my spine.

Thank you for your support.

(((((((hugs))))))
amy

Amy, I never wished for stbxah to hit me. He made enough bruises on me for me not to have to wish for more. But there were many times while he was choking me that I wished he would just get it over with and go ahead and kill me. I thought if I was dead I wouldn't have to endure his abuse any more. When I stopped fighting back, and didn't cry and allowed him to choke me or push me down or drag me across the floor, he stopped in that moment. He knew I no longer cared what he did to me. And the moment I didn't care what the outcome was or how badly he was hurting me, it didn't have the same reward for him. The sad part was, I truly didn't care. I wasn't trying to find a way to stop him, I just no longer cared about myself or anything in my life and nothing mattered not even the pain he was inflicting upon me.

"Didn't realize I was being abused"--this is a big one, as it grows insidiously. Nobody marries an abuser- they evolve when it's "safe". By the time you recognize it, you're trapped. That's why we feel so stupid.

"I'm a strong woman in love with a troubled man, and I can help him. He doesn't mean it."

He threatens to tell lies to the world to damage your reputation.

He finds a way to tie you to him financially so you think you're trapped by money (mine took out huge loans). When I was sexually harassed at work and told him, he blamed me, acted disgusted with me for months like I was a prostitute, told me I needed to quit my job because I couldn't work there anymore (even though they fired the guy right away and I loved my job), then bought a $40K truck we couldn't afford so I "couldn't" quit. Always wanted me to quit so I would be trapped.

"You'll never see these kids again" (and he may lie to them to alienate them from you)--you stay because you know the courts won't see the danger and leaving them alone with him scares you to death. Along with what he'd say about you to the courts. Sacrifice yourself to be a buffer.

Leslie Morgan Steiner wrote a book called Crazy Love that I found really helpful. She also did a Ted talk. She calls out how and why abusive relationships creep up on us and take hold.

Also, when I saw the cycle of abuse for the first time, I thought AHA!
1. Tension builds
2. Acting out (abuse, explosion)
3. Remorse/reconciliation
4. Calm before tension builds again

Completely. First time takes you by surprise. Then remorse kicks in (for my XAH this was his "puppy dog" persona). I love you, you're too sensitive, you know I'm not like that, I'm in trouble so I better reel her back in... And then peace for a bit until he can't take it anymore. At least in the beginning of the relationship, #3 is required to keep you in, or you wouldn't stay. #3 is confusing and makes you feel like you must have overreacted. Add any hint of Codie and it ain't pretty!!!

You seriously can't think straight enough most of the time to realize what's happening and get out. I think I'm strong as hell, but didn't see that as a viable option. ??? Sounds crazy, but it's true. But there are moments you DO see clearly. That's when you need to act, before it passes and the haze returns. Kind of like life with an A. ;)

For me, I finally left after two decades because my kids were broken and needed me to get them "home". I often wondered if I'd have ever left if it was just me. I didn't actually realize that we were all abused even when I left until my stories started creeping out- and my friend one day, with tears in her eyes, gave me a slip of paper with a DV counselor's name on it and told me we all three needed it. I was shocked...until I read their website. I actually dropped my phone when I read it--like it was my journal. Talk about wanting to throw up! It was NOT normal, but I had come to accept it as good enough. Appalling and embarrassing. DV therapy and working through PTSD has done wonders for us all.

Youngest is doing some EMDR right now. He can't handle anyone showing anger and shuts down completely (freezes) when that happens.

Interestingly, my friend is a nurse, and she recently told me it that in hindsight it was so obvious the day we moved back that there was abuse. She said we all had that "flat affect" of people who are sort of shell shocked and can't show feeling or talk about anything...that it screamed abuse but she knew I wasn't ready to talk about it. I can now see or sense it in others as well.

For the record, I'm all good now, and so are my boys. ;)

Oh...and I have that truck. Lots of great memories with my kids in it, and I'm gonna drive it till I die! I figured I earned it. :)

In my next career I plan to be a attorney who represents abused women in divorce. They often can't afford an attorney at the start--I hope to be able to do it for little money so they have a passionate advocate who can see what's really happening. So my dream is to pay for law school so I can make LESS money!!! Hope it works someday!

Thanks for the thread.

I sorry I didn't see this before. I can only say that it is 3 in the morning. Not an excuse.

I also didn't care anymore. I felt I was just stuck. I remember him pushing me down repeatedly, about 40 times, and I would just stand right up to him and say, "I get knocked down, but I get up again, never gonna keep me down". I'm really surprised he didn't kill me that night, once he stopped knocking me down, I started to sing, "I won't back down".

This is where I don't see our enabling came in. I think we were tired of it then, don't think it was enabling, we were just tired of being afraid of them.. The more we weren't afraid of them, the more they tried to control us, and the more the abuse escalated.

I'll admit, I was one sick puppy by the time that I left.


I do know that DV was only recognized not that long ago, unless of course it was murder, then it was always well what did that person do to deserve that.

I feel so much for everyone here who has gone thru this.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

I have been blessed to not have had this in my life though RAH was abusive for a moment when he relapsed its not a comparison. My hugs to all of you that have been through it.

Its just a personal opinion, I haven't researched it, but its my belief that not far below the surface of the exterior of the abuser is a very, very weak individual. The abuse is "smoke & mirrors", a facade of being a forceful and powerful person when inside they are actually warm, loose, jello.

I was going to leave my relationship in 2000. Then I was diagnosed with cancer. I stayed.

As soon as I got strong enough he increased the abuse. I don't know if it was because I told him that I was going to leave a year ago, (he said he didn't remember that I told him I wanted a divorce, and I really do believe that he did forget) or if he felt the cancer was going to take me away from him.

I was going to leave before I even knew what the term "abusive relationship" meant. I only found out in 2004 what abuse was. I thought it was all my fault, I was always told that.

Another reason that I didn't leave..... I just went through cancer treatment. Breast and cervical. He used this to his advantage. Told me that no man would ever want me the way I was, that I was damaged.

Other reasons for why we stayed..... If I can only say what I want to say the right way, he/she will understand.

He/she starts therapy, makes all of these promises that you want to hear.

You know once you leave, and you get out with your life, that you are on your own, and if you go back then, he may surely kill you.

amy

There are so many reasons people stay with abusers and so many kinds of abuse.

My ex hit me twice, tried to choke me once in our 4 years together.

Even if he didn't get violent he was a scary drunk, staggering and muttering under his breath, wanting sex (not that he was capable of it) and vaguely threatening if I did not give in.

Why did I stay for 4 years? Hope, I guess, for a while. When he was sober things were good. I was idealistic, uneducated about addiction and thought our love would conquer it. There was also insecurity, not wanting to be alone.

But finally I set the boundary for myself: If you take one more drink, if you get high one more time, we are done. He did and we were, six weeks before our wedding date.

So, was I weak for staying for 4 years? I was idealistic, ignorant and insecure. Getting past it all and dumping him was a huge step for me in growing up and certainly helped me feel strong.

My father's temper and how he vented it on our family might be considered abusive. It was very damaging to me and two of my brothers. I probably would've been happier if my mom left him. I doubt she ever considered it. She loved him and he was the chief bread winner and when he wasn't yelling he was a great guy.

To coin a phrase, "it's complicated".

Initially my ex A was physically violent but after an incident when he knocked out my 4 front teeth he stopped being physically towards me but would throw things, trash the house punch walls etc. the hardest was the emotional abuse, the suttle manipulation, how it was all in my head, that I was crazy, I was reading too much into things he wasn't doing anything wrong. He never blamed me directly but all these comments made me feel i was making a bigger deal of his drinking than it was. He isolated me from friends, if I got close to anyone he would say little things like she's just using you to help her with her assignments, she's never there for you she doesn't care, over time I would believe it and lose friends. I couldn't have male friends because they all fancied me, which was ridiculous!!! Oh yeah and the leaving multiple times, when his drinking became too much for me, one example, hetold me he was leaving as I was making him want to drive himself off the road or into the back off a lorry and kill himself!!!

I remember the first time he really hit me, it was the night we got engaged. Punched me right in the nose for no apparent reason. He woke up and didn't even remember, wondered why there was blood on the sheets and my face was messed up. Sigh....insisted he didn't really drink anything but when he had passed out the night before I found vodka and pills in his bag.

I remember having to tell people about our engagement leaving that part out, having to pretend it was actually special and romantic. I remember looking in the mirror the next day wondering how I could become this weak of a person and every time I looked at the ring I could only think about him hitting me and not remembering the night.

I actually blamed myself and the booze for a long time, but then one day I realized no matter how bad of a human being he could be, I had to stop the blame and do something about it. It's not right for people to treat people they "love" this way but after a while if we keep going back for more, that's when we need to step back and say "hey what's really wrong here, let's stop this and fix ME"

I went from believing that LOVE conquered all to realizing SELF-LOVE is truly the strongest warrior.

Yep, I can relate to this...the emotional abuse...chips away at your self confidence...everything is your fault...he tells you that the problem is YOU and you better go see a therapist or else...the verbal abuse....calls you names...when you tell him to stop he says, "if you stop being a b*tch then I will stop calling you one."...the constant walking on egg shells.,..hoping whatever you say or how you say it won't upset him or start an argument..it is exhausting..you do start to feel crazy...but deep down you know right from wrong...

sometimes there is no understanding why we stayed . . .

fear, shame, not enough self-esteem, because we dream things will change, because we think there is nothing better, because we have been told so many times it's our fault, we believe it's our fault - after all we did "choose him",

For me, it amazes me now that I lived like that for so many years . . . like it happened to a different person . . .
well I guess it was a different me

but I choose to never forget what it felt like to be so hopeless, to not so much as to want to die, but to not want to live . . .

I pray that each of you that survived and each of you that decides to take that scary step out - be good to you - you do deserve to be happy, joyous and free

pink hugs!

Thanks for this thread, Amy.

Reasons I stayed... So many that were already mentioned. The biggest one towards the end of our relationship was, "If you ever try to divorce me, I'll take DS. I'll take him and you'll never see him again." He'd casually drop hints that he'd leave the state, or even the country, and take DS, that he has friends everywhere that'd help him. Occasionally, he'd tell me that no court would award custody or even visitation to a woman who couldn't keep house or take care of their family the right way. (Which I obviously wasn't doing because he berated me so often about my *failures*.)

Guilt. I felt so guilty about the idea of 'giving up' on our marriage. I felt that I had to keep trying to fix it, to make him understand that what he did was hurting US (not me). By leaving, I felt I was giving up on us, our relationship, our family.

I didn't want to 'fail.' What kind of wife and mother was I if I gave up on our family. Besides, something _had_ to work. I just wasn't doing something right. If I could figure out what I needed to do or say, "we'd" be better. Failure wasn't an option on something so important.

AXH crushed my self esteem, or maybe withered is a better word. Little comments here and there from some one who "loved me", and which added up over the years. (Sometimes said in harsh tones, but just as often uttered in tones that others would use for sweet nothings. Hands brushing hair out of my eyes, gently raising my chin to plant a light kiss on my forehead.) "You're so clueless/helpless/weak, what would you possibly do without me?" "You don't really think *that*. People who think *that* are worse than clueless." "You want to write? What could you possibly have to say?"

Those comments were peppered in with 'pedestal' talk. "You deserve so much better." "I'm such a lucky man!" "You're my best friend." "I couldn't live without you." "I just love you so much!" Breakfast in bed, plans to do things he knew I wanted to do. A 1001 different little proofs of 'love'.

False hope: He'll change. He promised. He loves me. It'll get better. Sometimes it IS better.

Towards the end, I was just so tired. I felt so drained and beaten down, that it took an enormous effort to just get through the day. I spent so much trying to mentally get ready for when I'd be home with AXH and all the uncertainty of how he could react/behave, that I couldn't even imagine the idea of something different. I daydreamed about being catatonic, imagined not being able to feel anything, because I was so tired of feeling the only things I could really feel by that time: confusion, hopelessness, and fear with sparks of anger.

Living with DV as a small child before my parents' divorce normalized it for me. I subconciously took in the message that this was what happened in adult relationships when I was very young and despite hearing things to contrary later on, I still believed that deep down, every relationship was really a certain way behind closed doors.
Growing up I was surrounded by all the cliches about how you should never "put up" with abuse. My mom kind of turned into a rabid man-hater after leaving my dad, so there was a lot of underlying scorn for the male gender and the assumption that all men were horrible animals capable of anything. And then there were all the Lifetime movie images of "the battered woman" with black eyes and broken bones, so anything less than that- pushing, shoving, throwing things, punching walls, blocking the way out of a room- didn't register as "real" abuse.
Later I thought that if I gave as good as I got, it was sort of OK because I was fighting back and not "putting up" with anything. I thought it was because of the drinking, so I could focus on making him get sober or managing his mood so he'd be happy drunk instead of mean drunk. I was so depressed and exhausted by the end that literally nothing seemed to matter. I had a lot of thoughts of dying. My big concern was who would care for my sons, and that children of parents who kill themselves are 9 or 10 times more likely to commit suicide. My one call to the DV hotline was unhelpful enough to discourage me forever about trying it again (it didn't take much to discourage me in those days, it was pretty much a permanent state of mind). I was filled with shame and fear about anyone (especially my rabid, man- hating mother) finding out that I was one of those "stupid", "weak" women who would put up with abuse, so I didn't share my situation with family. I had no friends, just a few acquaintances at my part time job. I was afraid of how I would fare as a single mother (a failure at relationships, with two kids by two different dads, holding my hand out for freebies so I could raise my kids).
I wanted to leave, knew I NEEDED to leave for quite a long time before I did. I just didn't see any way out except death for a long time.
Thank you for this thread Amy. And thanks to everyone who shared their stories.

You know I never lived alone. I never handled money. I never cashed a check in my life. I got paid, my mom did my banking, I told her to take what she needed for hh expenses. I did not do one financial thing or calling repair people or utility companies till I was 53.

I was totally afraid of this. I never did it before. Forget about moving to a different state because with my income I couldn't afford a house in NJ. Couldn't even afford a trailer park in NJ. I was scared.

So I think I also had the "fear of the unknown"......................................

I was lucky that I had friends that took me in, they bought their retirement home, but they weren't moving there for another 18 months. I had it to myself that entire time.

I really think without that, I don't know if I would have left, my fears were so great. I was told so many times how stupid I was, that I can't even write a check out, or pay a bill. That I don't know anything about household repairs.

The day that I left for good, I would say I was in a fog. I don't think I was even capable of thinking for the 1 1/2 hour trip to my friends house. I had to concentrate on the road.

My ex called me while I was leaving. I just picked up the phone, said "I left", and hung the phone up.

There wasn't anything else for me to say, I tried to say it so many times, in so many different ways, that's all my brain concentrated on. But there was no way to explain how I felt. He just didn't want to hear it.

I think I was always stuck thinking somehow I could turn things around. That maybe someday he might "hear" me. I guess I realized he couldn't "hear" me, because he was only trying to figure out how to blame me for everything.

So what kept me there so long? "FEAR". Fear of the isolation, fear of financial situations, fear of who other people would think about me, (this was my second marriage), my own family was not supporting me then, it was like they liked him better. Fear of starting out on my own, (I never lived alone), but I think I need to say this................. I wanted that validation. I wanted closure, and there was none.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy





PS.... That validation and closure, yes, I had to give it to myself, but it had me stuck for so long.

The number one reason for me was Financial bt there were so many other insidious reasons. These things soooo need to be talked about to reduce the stigma.
When I was training to be an intern we dedicated a whole day to the reasons why people stay in abusive relationships- at the end of that 7 hour day one of the trainees asked " I still dont get it, why doesn't she just leave?" We talked about it for 7 hours for Christ's sake!- it's one thing when people have not been educated about it but for someone training to be an advocate for DV survivors to play into victim blaming like that?! Needless to say they did not ask her to stay on as an intern .
I really see a lot of positive changes happening around breaking the silence in general and I couldn't be more proud of survivors for standing up for themselves and speaking out in a society where people still ask "if the abuse is really that bad, why don't they just leave ?"
You are all rock stars

Thank you greens. I'm sorry that you also went through this. I also thought it was very enlightening that many people don't get this.

I don't know, we feel so crazy for so long, and sometimes we try to speak out and we are looked at , like we are crazy.

Just many thanks,

amy

Thanks to all of you. I am so sorry for what we have gone thru. I finally made the call. I called my local DV center tonight to volunteer my services. It was late at night, but I will get a call back tomorrow. Not exactly thrilled about the info I got on DV services in my area tonight. I really do think more awareness needs to be made about this, and I hope I can be helpful.

amy

What kept me there for so long was also fear, fear of being alone feeling that I couldn't live without him that he was what I needed to live a happy life but also believing that the problem was me.

Why we stay is complicated. I knew I would not be able to stand the thought of not knowing the kids were safe during visitations. With a blackout drinker would he hurt them, drive with them, or kill them. At least with me there I took most of the abuse and knew they were safe. Plans started before daughter turned 16 and God intervened to help the situation. I
Now 2-1/2 years later I am understanding the full scope of the abuse: had no idea. I got it on all fronts except physical: that was just starting to show up when he was removed from home.
By the way- was married 30 years, had kids later in relationship. Sobering up during pregnancy brought insight into how bad he was drinking.

I haven't been on the forum in a few days. I would try to come back and read this post, but it was so difficult that I had to come back later and try again. I can relate to everyone's post on here, as I'm sure others can relate to mine. It is awful how similar the abuse can be. They seem to say some of the same things and try the same tactics. It is very scary! I think the validation thing is a big reason for staying. Trying to get them to hear us. And they never will. It is so hard to wrap our brain around behavior we would never do. No one comes with an instruction manual. But abusers and alcoholics each seem to use the same play books.