ladyscribbler

Living with DV as a small child before my parents' divorce normalized it for me. I subconciously took in the message that this was what happened in adult relationships when I was very young and despite hearing things to contrary later on, I still believed that deep down, every relationship was really a certain way behind closed doors.
Growing up I was surrounded by all the cliches about how you should never "put up" with abuse. My mom kind of turned into a rabid man-hater after leaving my dad, so there was a lot of underlying scorn for the male gender and the assumption that all men were horrible animals capable of anything. And then there were all the Lifetime movie images of "the battered woman" with black eyes and broken bones, so anything less than that- pushing, shoving, throwing things, punching walls, blocking the way out of a room- didn't register as "real" abuse.
Later I thought that if I gave as good as I got, it was sort of OK because I was fighting back and not "putting up" with anything. I thought it was because of the drinking, so I could focus on making him get sober or managing his mood so he'd be happy drunk instead of mean drunk. I was so depressed and exhausted by the end that literally nothing seemed to matter. I had a lot of thoughts of dying. My big concern was who would care for my sons, and that children of parents who kill themselves are 9 or 10 times more likely to commit suicide. My one call to the DV hotline was unhelpful enough to discourage me forever about trying it again (it didn't take much to discourage me in those days, it was pretty much a permanent state of mind). I was filled with shame and fear about anyone (especially my rabid, man- hating mother) finding out that I was one of those "stupid", "weak" women who would put up with abuse, so I didn't share my situation with family. I had no friends, just a few acquaintances at my part time job. I was afraid of how I would fare as a single mother (a failure at relationships, with two kids by two different dads, holding my hand out for freebies so I could raise my kids).
I wanted to leave, knew I NEEDED to leave for quite a long time before I did. I just didn't see any way out except death for a long time.
Thank you for this thread Amy. And thanks to everyone who shared their stories.

amy55

You know I never lived alone. I never handled money. I never cashed a check in my life. I got paid, my mom did my banking, I told her to take what she needed for hh expenses. I did not do one financial thing or calling repair people or utility companies till I was 53.

I was totally afraid of this. I never did it before. Forget about moving to a different state because with my income I couldn't afford a house in NJ. Couldn't even afford a trailer park in NJ. I was scared.

So I think I also had the "fear of the unknown"......................................

I was lucky that I had friends that took me in, they bought their retirement home, but they weren't moving there for another 18 months. I had it to myself that entire time.

I really think without that, I don't know if I would have left, my fears were so great. I was told so many times how stupid I was, that I can't even write a check out, or pay a bill. That I don't know anything about household repairs.

The day that I left for good, I would say I was in a fog. I don't think I was even capable of thinking for the 1 1/2 hour trip to my friends house. I had to concentrate on the road.

My ex called me while I was leaving. I just picked up the phone, said "I left", and hung the phone up.

There wasn't anything else for me to say, I tried to say it so many times, in so many different ways, that's all my brain concentrated on. But there was no way to explain how I felt. He just didn't want to hear it.

I think I was always stuck thinking somehow I could turn things around. That maybe someday he might "hear" me. I guess I realized he couldn't "hear" me, because he was only trying to figure out how to blame me for everything.

So what kept me there so long? "FEAR". Fear of the isolation, fear of financial situations, fear of who other people would think about me, (this was my second marriage), my own family was not supporting me then, it was like they liked him better. Fear of starting out on my own, (I never lived alone), but I think I need to say this................. I wanted that validation. I wanted closure, and there was none.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy





PS.... That validation and closure, yes, I had to give it to myself, but it had me stuck for so long.

greens

The number one reason for me was Financial bt there were so many other insidious reasons. These things soooo need to be talked about to reduce the stigma.
When I was training to be an intern we dedicated a whole day to the reasons why people stay in abusive relationships- at the end of that 7 hour day one of the trainees asked " I still dont get it, why doesn't she just leave?" We talked about it for 7 hours for Christ's sake!- it's one thing when people have not been educated about it but for someone training to be an advocate for DV survivors to play into victim blaming like that?! Needless to say they did not ask her to stay on as an intern .
I really see a lot of positive changes happening around breaking the silence in general and I couldn't be more proud of survivors for standing up for themselves and speaking out in a society where people still ask "if the abuse is really that bad, why don't they just leave ?"
You are all rock stars

amy55

Thank you greens. I'm sorry that you also went through this. I also thought it was very enlightening that many people don't get this.

I don't know, we feel so crazy for so long, and sometimes we try to speak out and we are looked at , like we are crazy.

Just many thanks,

amy

amy55

Thanks to all of you. I am so sorry for what we have gone thru. I finally made the call. I called my local DV center tonight to volunteer my services. It was late at night, but I will get a call back tomorrow. Not exactly thrilled about the info I got on DV services in my area tonight. I really do think more awareness needs to be made about this, and I hope I can be helpful.

amy

Butterfly

What kept me there for so long was also fear, fear of being alone feeling that I couldn't live without him that he was what I needed to live a happy life but also believing that the problem was me.

boomtruck

Why we stay is complicated. I knew I would not be able to stand the thought of not knowing the kids were safe during visitations. With a blackout drinker would he hurt them, drive with them, or kill them. At least with me there I took most of the abuse and knew they were safe. Plans started before daughter turned 16 and God intervened to help the situation. I
Now 2-1/2 years later I am understanding the full scope of the abuse: had no idea. I got it on all fronts except physical: that was just starting to show up when he was removed from home.
By the way- was married 30 years, had kids later in relationship. Sobering up during pregnancy brought insight into how bad he was drinking.

searching peace

I haven't been on the forum in a few days. I would try to come back and read this post, but it was so difficult that I had to come back later and try again. I can relate to everyone's post on here, as I'm sure others can relate to mine. It is awful how similar the abuse can be. They seem to say some of the same things and try the same tactics. It is very scary! I think the validation thing is a big reason for staying. Trying to get them to hear us. And they never will. It is so hard to wrap our brain around behavior we would never do. No one comes with an instruction manual. But abusers and alcoholics each seem to use the same play books.