Significant Other's Alcohol abuse
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Significant Other's Alcohol abuse
Hi, I'm new here, and feel the need to get some things off my chest, and ask for advice on some issues I'm going through due to my significant other's alcohol abuse/addiction.
I have been in a one and a half year relationship with a man who believes that he may either be an alcoholic, or is severely abusing alcohol. He is very aware of this, and has spoken out many times about wanting to break this addiction. Of course, I don't know if he really does, or if that's all lip service. He is aware of his problem, though.
When we first dated, it didn't seem apparent. We would have dates where alcohol was present, and sometimes without the presence of alcohol. Four months in, and we had a pretty big argument. It occurred after he had a few hard days at work (I can testify that he works in a very unhealthy environment with a boss who I would label as extremely bipolar and manic, which doesn't help his situation with drinking) and was binge drinking one afternoon. He started going into an extremely negative mood about everything, and started picking out things he didn't like about me. The next instant, he would fully contradict himself, and obviously caused a big argument, and I eventually just left.
I didn't talk to him for weeks, because I didn't even know what to say. I've never really seen that behavior in someone and couldn't really understand how someone who was such a great guy about 99% of the time could switch to someone that was so horrible. A few weeks went by and I finally accepted a phone call after a long night of texts from him, apologizing for everything and promising the world, if I were to just give him another chance, or at least talk to him. I told him in a text that he could call me the next day, and we could talk things out.
We talked on the phone, he once again apologized for all the things he had said. He first started with how he didn't know what got into him, and that he was scared of the commitment he was getting into, and didn't mean anything that he'd said. I felt it was too easy for him to make these apologies over the phone, and suggested we meet up over coffee or something one afternoon. So, we made the plan to meet up, and he made the same apologies, but no longer blamed it on other, outside factors. He then told me his history with alcohol, and his present use of it to cope with his problems.
He had been arrested for 2 separate DUI's within the span of a week, a few years back after a bad turn of events (relationship break-up and loss of a job). I thought that was extreme, but, given his age at the time of the arrest (early 20's), it seemed, at first, like some very bad decisions of a young adult immersed in the party scene. He talked about his abstinence from alcohol for a time, his required meetings for AA (as part of a plea agreement, I believe) and how that taught him an important message about how making that kind of mistake was just not worth it.
He then went on about his present use of alcohol, to which he finally admitted our fight was heavily influenced by the amount he had to drink. Again, I guess I was a little naive about the extent of the issue, and just kept brushing it off as him going through a hard time in his life, and using alcohol as a crutch. He promised to cut down on his drinking, and did for quite a while. Eventually, either because he became more comfortable with me, or just picked back up on the habit, I noticed he'd be drinking more and more.
At first it was a couple of days of kind of heavy drinking. Then it turned into a couple of more days. Then it seemed like he was drinking every day. Like I said, I don't know if he was just masking it, or if he started to rely on it more. Or even if, as we became closer, he just became more comfortable with exposing his habit to me. We'd have a few ups and downs, but nothing like the argument that we had. I guess I was in denial, as well, about the extent of his problems, since he was always talking about cutting it out of his life, and making changes in his life for the better.
Fast-forward to a few months ago, and his habit had worsened. He felt stuck in his job, and kept wanting to find a new job. I would support the thought, and would help urge him to work on his resume and look for job offers. I don't know if it made him sink into a deep depression, but he would have days to where he felt helpless and stuck, and of course his drinking increased. He eventually got to the point of where he'd crack open his first beer within an hour of waking up, and stop drinking just before bed, on his days off.
We spent the weekends together, as I live about 40 minutes away and can't just stop by whenever. One weekend, he got into a particularly bad funk, and we had a huge argument - and I don't even know how it started, or really what it was about. However, he did the same things that he did previously - being hateful, picking out things about me, then doing a complete reversal of what he said, and it escalated to him demanding that I leave and drive home in the middle of the night. I was shocked, dumbfounded, hurt, and everything in between. I ended up leaving to stay at a friends that night, with him first continuing to send horrible texts, and then at the end of the night asking if I was still in town. I ignored them all, and sent him an email explaining all of my thoughts.
He called me up, and set forward with the same apologies. He acknowledged how much drinking had taken over his life. He admitted to being a horrible person that he didn't like when he drank. He told me that he wouldn't choose alcohol again, and he'd choose me over it from now on. He made the promise again to confront his issues, immediately cutting back and then seeking out help. I believed him, again, like an idiot. I guess it's a tactic used to prolong the process. Or maybe he meant it and just couldn't bring himself to do it. I don't know.
So we were back together, and things were fine again for two months, until this weekend. Broken promise, again, and the same blow-out argument, ending with him demanding I leave. I held my ground for a bit this time, and he left to go drink at a bar. I stuck around his apartment while he was gone, packing up all my things, and then did something I probably shouldn't have. I don't care though, and don't regret what I did. I packed up all the alcohol he had in his house, put it in my car trunk, and prepared to leave. He got back, drunker than before, and was back and forth with his emotions.
He was angry for a while, but made no sense. Then he calmed down, sat beside me, and just talked. And then, out of nowhere, he snapped back into his anger, and then left the room to go make a drink. All my belongings were packed in my car, and I knew he'd explode after seeing all his alcohol gone. So, I made it to the door, as he realized what happened. He started yelling and screaming, but I shut the door on him and ran out to my car and left. It was too late for him to go get more beer or alcohol for the night, and I knew this was only a temporary problem - as he could just go out today and replace it all. I just didn't care, though. I was angry at him, and angry at the control the alcohol had over him.
It's still sitting out in my car. I can't even bring myself to pop my trunk. So, now I'm sitting here, completely broken over what this has become. I know he'll call again, and offer up the same apologies. I know it's the same before, and his intentions are probably pure when he's sober. But I know it's all just talk. I can't go back until he shows that he can break this habit. I just am not sure what that means. How do you know if it's safe to go back? I know I can't just rely on his word anymore. It is now meaningless. I feel so helpless, and I feel that I'm abandoning him. I fear he won't reach out to anyone else, and it scares me that he'll succumb to this dependency.
How do you stay strong enough to say no, and how do you know if they're sincerely committing to recovering from their dependency?
I have been in a one and a half year relationship with a man who believes that he may either be an alcoholic, or is severely abusing alcohol. He is very aware of this, and has spoken out many times about wanting to break this addiction. Of course, I don't know if he really does, or if that's all lip service. He is aware of his problem, though.
When we first dated, it didn't seem apparent. We would have dates where alcohol was present, and sometimes without the presence of alcohol. Four months in, and we had a pretty big argument. It occurred after he had a few hard days at work (I can testify that he works in a very unhealthy environment with a boss who I would label as extremely bipolar and manic, which doesn't help his situation with drinking) and was binge drinking one afternoon. He started going into an extremely negative mood about everything, and started picking out things he didn't like about me. The next instant, he would fully contradict himself, and obviously caused a big argument, and I eventually just left.
I didn't talk to him for weeks, because I didn't even know what to say. I've never really seen that behavior in someone and couldn't really understand how someone who was such a great guy about 99% of the time could switch to someone that was so horrible. A few weeks went by and I finally accepted a phone call after a long night of texts from him, apologizing for everything and promising the world, if I were to just give him another chance, or at least talk to him. I told him in a text that he could call me the next day, and we could talk things out.
We talked on the phone, he once again apologized for all the things he had said. He first started with how he didn't know what got into him, and that he was scared of the commitment he was getting into, and didn't mean anything that he'd said. I felt it was too easy for him to make these apologies over the phone, and suggested we meet up over coffee or something one afternoon. So, we made the plan to meet up, and he made the same apologies, but no longer blamed it on other, outside factors. He then told me his history with alcohol, and his present use of it to cope with his problems.
He had been arrested for 2 separate DUI's within the span of a week, a few years back after a bad turn of events (relationship break-up and loss of a job). I thought that was extreme, but, given his age at the time of the arrest (early 20's), it seemed, at first, like some very bad decisions of a young adult immersed in the party scene. He talked about his abstinence from alcohol for a time, his required meetings for AA (as part of a plea agreement, I believe) and how that taught him an important message about how making that kind of mistake was just not worth it.
He then went on about his present use of alcohol, to which he finally admitted our fight was heavily influenced by the amount he had to drink. Again, I guess I was a little naive about the extent of the issue, and just kept brushing it off as him going through a hard time in his life, and using alcohol as a crutch. He promised to cut down on his drinking, and did for quite a while. Eventually, either because he became more comfortable with me, or just picked back up on the habit, I noticed he'd be drinking more and more.
At first it was a couple of days of kind of heavy drinking. Then it turned into a couple of more days. Then it seemed like he was drinking every day. Like I said, I don't know if he was just masking it, or if he started to rely on it more. Or even if, as we became closer, he just became more comfortable with exposing his habit to me. We'd have a few ups and downs, but nothing like the argument that we had. I guess I was in denial, as well, about the extent of his problems, since he was always talking about cutting it out of his life, and making changes in his life for the better.
Fast-forward to a few months ago, and his habit had worsened. He felt stuck in his job, and kept wanting to find a new job. I would support the thought, and would help urge him to work on his resume and look for job offers. I don't know if it made him sink into a deep depression, but he would have days to where he felt helpless and stuck, and of course his drinking increased. He eventually got to the point of where he'd crack open his first beer within an hour of waking up, and stop drinking just before bed, on his days off.
We spent the weekends together, as I live about 40 minutes away and can't just stop by whenever. One weekend, he got into a particularly bad funk, and we had a huge argument - and I don't even know how it started, or really what it was about. However, he did the same things that he did previously - being hateful, picking out things about me, then doing a complete reversal of what he said, and it escalated to him demanding that I leave and drive home in the middle of the night. I was shocked, dumbfounded, hurt, and everything in between. I ended up leaving to stay at a friends that night, with him first continuing to send horrible texts, and then at the end of the night asking if I was still in town. I ignored them all, and sent him an email explaining all of my thoughts.
He called me up, and set forward with the same apologies. He acknowledged how much drinking had taken over his life. He admitted to being a horrible person that he didn't like when he drank. He told me that he wouldn't choose alcohol again, and he'd choose me over it from now on. He made the promise again to confront his issues, immediately cutting back and then seeking out help. I believed him, again, like an idiot. I guess it's a tactic used to prolong the process. Or maybe he meant it and just couldn't bring himself to do it. I don't know.
So we were back together, and things were fine again for two months, until this weekend. Broken promise, again, and the same blow-out argument, ending with him demanding I leave. I held my ground for a bit this time, and he left to go drink at a bar. I stuck around his apartment while he was gone, packing up all my things, and then did something I probably shouldn't have. I don't care though, and don't regret what I did. I packed up all the alcohol he had in his house, put it in my car trunk, and prepared to leave. He got back, drunker than before, and was back and forth with his emotions.
He was angry for a while, but made no sense. Then he calmed down, sat beside me, and just talked. And then, out of nowhere, he snapped back into his anger, and then left the room to go make a drink. All my belongings were packed in my car, and I knew he'd explode after seeing all his alcohol gone. So, I made it to the door, as he realized what happened. He started yelling and screaming, but I shut the door on him and ran out to my car and left. It was too late for him to go get more beer or alcohol for the night, and I knew this was only a temporary problem - as he could just go out today and replace it all. I just didn't care, though. I was angry at him, and angry at the control the alcohol had over him.
It's still sitting out in my car. I can't even bring myself to pop my trunk. So, now I'm sitting here, completely broken over what this has become. I know he'll call again, and offer up the same apologies. I know it's the same before, and his intentions are probably pure when he's sober. But I know it's all just talk. I can't go back until he shows that he can break this habit. I just am not sure what that means. How do you know if it's safe to go back? I know I can't just rely on his word anymore. It is now meaningless. I feel so helpless, and I feel that I'm abandoning him. I fear he won't reach out to anyone else, and it scares me that he'll succumb to this dependency.
How do you stay strong enough to say no, and how do you know if they're sincerely committing to recovering from their dependency?
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How do you stay strong enough to say no?
You have to commit to it. Go no contact, remove/block phone numbers. Then Don't contact them. Come here and post if you are feeling weak that's what we are here for.
How do you know if it's safe to go back? This is easy - its not. Appears he has a pretty long history of alcoholism. I'm not seeing any movement on his end toward doing something about it lots of quacking that he needs to (and never does).
Ok here are the facts - You don't live with him. I realize you have a year and a half in but consider yourself lucky you are not residing with him or married.
There is no easy, quick, or a forever cure for his alcoholism. There will never be hope if he chooses not to do anything about it. If he chooses to do something about it it will take a loooong time and is often very stressful on a relationship.
I'd want a minimum 2 years sober and active recovery before thinking about a relationship. Take a look at Foureyes post today. That will give you a good summary about what happens when you marry and/or commit yourself to an active alcoholic.
Stick around here - join Al Anon. Work on your codependency there is much of it evident in your writing. I am glad you got out last night very frightening to think about how that could have gone. I don't poke the bear I suggest you do the same. Its bad enough to deal with an angry person but an angry drunk person can have deadly outcome. No thanks! Keep your booze I'm outta here!
You have to commit to it. Go no contact, remove/block phone numbers. Then Don't contact them. Come here and post if you are feeling weak that's what we are here for.
How do you know if it's safe to go back? This is easy - its not. Appears he has a pretty long history of alcoholism. I'm not seeing any movement on his end toward doing something about it lots of quacking that he needs to (and never does).
Ok here are the facts - You don't live with him. I realize you have a year and a half in but consider yourself lucky you are not residing with him or married.
There is no easy, quick, or a forever cure for his alcoholism. There will never be hope if he chooses not to do anything about it. If he chooses to do something about it it will take a loooong time and is often very stressful on a relationship.
I'd want a minimum 2 years sober and active recovery before thinking about a relationship. Take a look at Foureyes post today. That will give you a good summary about what happens when you marry and/or commit yourself to an active alcoholic.
Stick around here - join Al Anon. Work on your codependency there is much of it evident in your writing. I am glad you got out last night very frightening to think about how that could have gone. I don't poke the bear I suggest you do the same. Its bad enough to deal with an angry person but an angry drunk person can have deadly outcome. No thanks! Keep your booze I'm outta here!
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minime13......I realize that you didn't really realize it at the time....but, what you did with taking the alcohol is a very dangerous move to make with an alcoholic.
More that one person has been killed over just such a move.
I am not trying to just alarm you.....but, it is better to be safe than not.....
A good rule of thumb is to not get into heavy discussions or arguments with a person who is drunk. It is a waste of time and many, many tragedies have resulted from this.
dandylion
More that one person has been killed over just such a move.
I am not trying to just alarm you.....but, it is better to be safe than not.....
A good rule of thumb is to not get into heavy discussions or arguments with a person who is drunk. It is a waste of time and many, many tragedies have resulted from this.
dandylion
Pressure makes diamonds
Join Date: May 2014
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I think it's best to stay away from him at this point and move on with your life. He won't change until HE is ready to change, which will not be an overnight process.
Anger is one letter short of danger and it sounds like he is getting progressively worse with his drinking and behavior. Don't wait for something bad to happen. Just add the word "yet" to your fears of what you worry about him doing because this disease gets worse with time. 2 DUI's haven't stopped him so he's not afraid of the law at this point.
You deserve better.
Anger is one letter short of danger and it sounds like he is getting progressively worse with his drinking and behavior. Don't wait for something bad to happen. Just add the word "yet" to your fears of what you worry about him doing because this disease gets worse with time. 2 DUI's haven't stopped him so he's not afraid of the law at this point.
You deserve better.
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Originally Posted by minime13 
I stuck around his apartment while he was gone, packing up all my things, and then did something I probably shouldn't have. I don't care though, and don't regret what I did. I packed up all the alcohol he had in his house, put it in my car trunk, and prepared to leave.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
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I know now, thinking back, that it was not the right decision to clean his house of alcohol. It was a desperate move because I hated that he was letting it destroy his life. I felt that maybe, when he got home from work today it would be a trigger to him about how bad it's gotten. I know, very wishful thinking. I don't really expect that to happen.
He was already trying to get me back over last night, and I simply said that it wasn't a good idea to stop back by, and left it at that.
Most of my posting here will be more cathartic and letting out what I feel. I've already made the decision to not put any further trust in his words. I left my make-up bag at his place, and I can buy new make-up. One of his tactics for getting me back over - it won't work. It's just horrible to see the type of person he is about 90% of the time being controlled by the monster he becomes 10% of the time. It's never gotten physical, but I know that's a direct possibility in time. I know I say 90% of the time he's great - and he is even if he's had something to drink, but I know that will dwindle over time.
I know that it's his choice that will get him help. I can't do it. I can't be the cause of it. The last time we reconciled, when he said he'd choose me over it, there were things he said that bothered me. I was his happiness, and he needed me by his side to go through this. He needed my support, and he wouldn't be happy without me. When we sat down to talk about it, previously, I brought those issues up. I told him he couldn't do it for me. He couldn't do it for anyone but himself. I thought he understood and agreed. He probably did, but only sober him. I told him I didn't want to be that person for him, but would support him and stand behind his decisions if he started getting help. Was that wrong?
My mistake was accepting what he had to say without seeing any results. I know that now. I don't blame myself, but I really wish I had been a little bit stronger. I know see that accepting just what he said probably enabled him to put it off a little longer. One of the keys I'm realizing is that anytime he talked about the future, he always talked about no longer drinking, as if it would just be established somehow, but never really a game plan of how to get there. He probably still sees it that way - 2-3 years from now, he's alcohol free, and no longer smokes cigarettes, and has a job he's proud of and we're starting our family.
I'm sure that's what he wants, but it now feels like more of a way to get me to hang on a little more.
Thanks for the support and advice. I'm sure I'll stick around for a while.
He was already trying to get me back over last night, and I simply said that it wasn't a good idea to stop back by, and left it at that.
Most of my posting here will be more cathartic and letting out what I feel. I've already made the decision to not put any further trust in his words. I left my make-up bag at his place, and I can buy new make-up. One of his tactics for getting me back over - it won't work. It's just horrible to see the type of person he is about 90% of the time being controlled by the monster he becomes 10% of the time. It's never gotten physical, but I know that's a direct possibility in time. I know I say 90% of the time he's great - and he is even if he's had something to drink, but I know that will dwindle over time.
I know that it's his choice that will get him help. I can't do it. I can't be the cause of it. The last time we reconciled, when he said he'd choose me over it, there were things he said that bothered me. I was his happiness, and he needed me by his side to go through this. He needed my support, and he wouldn't be happy without me. When we sat down to talk about it, previously, I brought those issues up. I told him he couldn't do it for me. He couldn't do it for anyone but himself. I thought he understood and agreed. He probably did, but only sober him. I told him I didn't want to be that person for him, but would support him and stand behind his decisions if he started getting help. Was that wrong?
My mistake was accepting what he had to say without seeing any results. I know that now. I don't blame myself, but I really wish I had been a little bit stronger. I know see that accepting just what he said probably enabled him to put it off a little longer. One of the keys I'm realizing is that anytime he talked about the future, he always talked about no longer drinking, as if it would just be established somehow, but never really a game plan of how to get there. He probably still sees it that way - 2-3 years from now, he's alcohol free, and no longer smokes cigarettes, and has a job he's proud of and we're starting our family.
I'm sure that's what he wants, but it now feels like more of a way to get me to hang on a little more.
Thanks for the support and advice. I'm sure I'll stick around for a while.
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Originally Posted by Thomas45
He is an adult and has the right to drink. You can't force your moral decisions upon his lifestyle. You can choose whether to accept his lifestyle or move on with your own life.
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. It's just horrible to see the type of person he is about 90% of the time being controlled by the monster he becomes 10% of the time. It's never gotten physical, but I know that's a direct possibility in time. I know I say 90% of the time he's great - and he is even if he's had something to drink, but I know that will dwindle over time. I know you think you think he's bad only a small percentage of the time, but keep in mind you were only spending that much time with him on weekends. Imagine if it were 7 days a week if you were married or living together. I think then the percentages would be 90% alcohol driven monster and 10% remorseful.
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Originally Posted by minime13
I understand that but he's asked for my help.
If he is stocking alcohol in his fridge, it is in no way your responsibility to be pouring it out or throwing it away. That's his responsibility, and that's shifting blame from him to you for his sobriety.
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I now am able to see that, and understand that the words he's spoken made me a target for his failures.
I think I just hoped for the best and hoped I could actually make a difference. I now know the difference has to be within him.
Do people usually find that dependency and alcoholism manifest as a coping mechanism at first, or does it seem like, even without problems, there's a risk regardless of how one's life is? I've seen him have triggers that make him turn to drinking. His job is awful, and his boss reminds me of an old boss I had which, yes, I did cope with that stress by getting a little tipsy after work here and there. He's got some deep-rooted issues with his family (foreign born, and father brought the family over to the US when he was young, only to abandon them). I know he uses alcohol to cope. Yesterday was Father's Day, so it could have been a trigger. In fact, the first fight was the day before Father's Day as well. I know there is comprehensive help and therapy he needs for these things, and not just help for his alcohol dependency.
I'm not trying to make excuses or talking points, though. I'm just trying to understand what it is with dependency/abuse versus full-on alcoholism.
I think I just hoped for the best and hoped I could actually make a difference. I now know the difference has to be within him.
Do people usually find that dependency and alcoholism manifest as a coping mechanism at first, or does it seem like, even without problems, there's a risk regardless of how one's life is? I've seen him have triggers that make him turn to drinking. His job is awful, and his boss reminds me of an old boss I had which, yes, I did cope with that stress by getting a little tipsy after work here and there. He's got some deep-rooted issues with his family (foreign born, and father brought the family over to the US when he was young, only to abandon them). I know he uses alcohol to cope. Yesterday was Father's Day, so it could have been a trigger. In fact, the first fight was the day before Father's Day as well. I know there is comprehensive help and therapy he needs for these things, and not just help for his alcohol dependency.
I'm not trying to make excuses or talking points, though. I'm just trying to understand what it is with dependency/abuse versus full-on alcoholism.
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Join Date: May 2014
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He's an alcoholic- it's that simple.
The situations he calls triggers, allow him to justify his behavior/disease.
He will fill the rest of your days with justifications if you allow it.
He is in a prison and is the only one with the key. You can't fix it!
The situations he calls triggers, allow him to justify his behavior/disease.
He will fill the rest of your days with justifications if you allow it.
He is in a prison and is the only one with the key. You can't fix it!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
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Getting repeatedly drunk can be a form of escapism, yes. I can't speak to the majority of cases, but I know that alcohol abuse can arise from so many different situations. It can be escapism from a traumatic past. It can be brought on by living the party lifestyle. Societal norms in different cultures. Genetic predisposition.
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Originally Posted by Hope2014
. It's just horrible to see the type of person he is about 90% of the time being controlled by the monster he becomes 10% of the time. It's never gotten physical, but I know that's a direct possibility in time. I know I say 90% of the time he's great - and he is even if he's had something to drink, but I know that will dwindle over time. I know you think you think he's bad only a small percentage of the time, but keep in mind you were only spending that much time with him on weekends. Imagine if it were 7 days a week if you were married or living together. I think then the percentages would be 90% alcohol driven monster and 10% remorseful.
I get that it does get worse if he continues down this path without getting help, but I don't think it's right to attribute this to a person who is so deep into his addiction that he's never likely to come out. I attribute this to a person who's teetering on a pretty dangerous edge that he's about to fall off to where he can really and comprehensively ruin his life. The warning sign is there with how he's letting it ruin his closest relationship.
I've already (logically) come to terms with the fact that we can't have the same relationship we did if he's not putting any real effort into overcoming the dependency he has on alcohol. Our recent history shows me I'm not equipped to effectively handle or manage the "angry drunk." Personally, I don't think I want to have that qualification.
I also know that, if he starts fighting this dependency, it won't be a quick fix. If there's a possibility for a future here, I know it's not the near future. This mistake's already been made.
I guess I used yesterday's post to vent more than get to all the questions I have and give my understanding of where he's at. I think my opinion of alcohol abuse may differ from some here, as I don't feel that a person's coping mechanisms during a period of their life automatically labels them as this or that, and completely hopeless as far as reform is concerned. I can look at my own history, and pretty much any other person I know that consumes alcohol.
Most, if not all, use it as a form of coping at some point. Different circumstances create different reactions, and I honestly feel - not given how he explains his triggers, but what I'e observed myself - that this is a long-term coping mechanism (long term as in the problem with the DUIs were early/mid 20's and he's in his late 20's now). That's a tough habit to break after using alcohol as a coping mechanism for 4 years. It can turn to a lifelong problem.
I don't look at that behavior as an already lost cause, though.
It's taken me a little while to actually understand that I can't be the savior here. I know that any encouragement or method of being there for him will be from a distance right now. I've already resigned myself to that, because I don't want his issues with alcohol to take over my own life. I'm sure there are people out there that have been able to be there for a person should they choose treatment, and I guess that's the kind of advice I'm looking for.
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Location: Texas
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I think there are a lot of people on this forum that wish our relationship with the A would "just go back to how it was in the beginning"..... part of the time he is great, the other part sounds pretty bad...I can relate to the bad part... he is using excuses to drink alcohol to cope with life. Many people don't like their jobs or have a not so great boss, but we don't go home every night and drink alcohol to "help solve" the issues...it just makes it worse...it sounds like he doesn't want to quit drinking...there is nothing you can do or say that will change it. he has to want it for himself...which it sounds like you understand that...my heart breaks for you as mine is breaking now with my AH...loving an A is hell...
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Originally Posted by SadInTX
I think there are a lot of people on this forum that wish our relationship with the A would "just go back to how it was in the beginning"..... part of the time he is great, the other part sounds pretty bad...I can relate to the bad part... he is using excuses to drink alcohol to cope with life. Many people don't like their jobs or have a not so great boss, but we don't go home every night and drink alcohol to "help solve" the issues...it just makes it worse...it sounds like he doesn't want to quit drinking...there is nothing you can do or say that will change it. he has to want it for himself...which it sounds like you understand that...my heart breaks for you as mine is breaking now with my AH...loving an A is hell...
So, I don't think it's a factor of him simply not wanting to stop. I think it's very fear-driven. I know I can't make him or control him as far as choosing to get help. I simply want to be a good influence. I can't give up on someone so easily.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
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Originally Posted by dandylion
minime.......first, you need to EDUCATE yourself as to how this disease works.
dandylion
dandylion
I should clarify - I want to be a positive influence, but it will be from a distance. Obviously, there's no guarantee of safety in his house when he's been drinking. I don't feel inclined to be around him if he decides he wants to drink. Those are some of the boundaries I've already set in place for me. I'm still pretty broken up over what has happened, but I'm only going to permit the good guy to interact with me. I'm not going to deny the relief I felt after making these decisions either. I'm going to keep that with me.
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Believe me, you can "function" at work and life for quite a few years and still be a full-blown alcoholic. (I was one)
However, the functionality will gradually decrease over time. Sometimes a long time, but it doesn't get better.
I've worked the same place over sixteen years, and I drank for ten of those years.
Yet if you asked people, nearly all would have said I had "no problem" but I did.
However, the functionality will gradually decrease over time. Sometimes a long time, but it doesn't get better.
I've worked the same place over sixteen years, and I drank for ten of those years.
Yet if you asked people, nearly all would have said I had "no problem" but I did.
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