PnotP

Long time lurker, first time poster.
Felt like I had to sign up to tell you when I left my AXH
When he woke up from a nap and told me to go buy and make him some f^#&ing coffee.
After he had come home still drunk at 7am and told me he had cheated on me. Then went upstairs to take a nap.
I feel like if you wonder if you should leave, you prob. need some space. It doesnt have to be permanent.

megsykreeg

You definitely would not be a failure. Get out now. Once you have kids it gets way more complicated. If my husband treated me that way I would've left. Leaving doesn't make you a failure it makes you strong.

Again hugs to you!

firebolt

Divorce is not a failure. It is one incident in a long line of learning events in life. Comparable to a closed up business venture, stopping college, ending a toxic friendship, and even buying a lemon car. All are learning experiences leading us to something better.

I am listening to the Wright Brothers on tape right now by David Mccullough. SO inspiring! Wilbur almost died 3 times. Their ideas were stolen. They had no money. No education. Numerous crashes. Numerous blown engines. Stuck away from a great family. So many "failures" they couldn't be counted. My God - what if they stopped because of the feeling of failure?!

"KEEP MOVING FORWARD"
-Walt Disney


(((HUGS)))

SadInTX

foureyes: My AH has done similar things to me too...gets drunk, then starts to "lecture" as I called it...lecture me about our relationship, what I am not doing right, "You need to get your head on straight" "Get right", "stop being so heady"...he would say...I would just sit there and take it. If I tried to explain or say something he would come back with "don't you interrupt me..." it would go on for a hour or more. It was exhausting. The next day he would sometimes act like nothing ever happened...or if I was upset he would get mad that I didn't just forgive and forget...hardly ever was there an apology...when I first came to this forum I was trying to get advice about the alcohol...alcoholism...but I found out it was much more and worse...he was abusing me. I didn't want to admit it...not me...but our situation is "different"... I thought it would get better, but it never did. He got a DUI a few months ago and just the other night was arrested for public intoxication...I did not bail him out of the second one and now he has kicked me out saying it is over. He is not a sane person I am now understanding...nothing you can do or say is going to change that, unless HE does the changing. And serious change..you will not be a failure.

glenl

I've been lurking but wanted to register to answer this one.

I left last Sunday. He'd been playing a game with friends for several hours (I wasn't keeping tabs but just assumed he was likely drinking since he usually is) and ordered some delivery when they left. When it came, he dropped it all over the living room floor and the side of the couch and made a mess.

He proceeded to begin ranting and raving, punching the wall, and then going on and on about how he was going to kill himself and "I wish everyone were dead" and it wasn't the first time or the hundredth time, but it was the last time I'll be there to hear it. My heart is racing now just typing this.

I've been working on myself for most of the past year already. I figured out awhile ago that my life had become unmanageable and I needed help and perspective to find my way back. I even told him I was doing this.

Of course it didn't matter. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. I can choose not to participate and to work on living my life and making myself happy, safe, and fulfilled.

I've been actively detaching for months, but was distancing myself before that without really realizing it.

I feel myself slipping every day, from guilt, from worry, from missing my beautiful apartment (even though I dreaded going home from work every single day and would often stand outside the building taking deep breaths before I could walk inside), from missing my cats (I couldn't bring them where I am staying, at least not yet), from sunk-cost destructive thinking... but this time when I feel it happening, I go into my room and listen to positive affirmations and I read Alanon boards and other recovery groups and I remind myself, "You're not crazy. You are protecting yourself. You are not crazy."

And finally, I said to him, "I am not crazy. My feelings are valid and you don't have to agree in order for that to be true."

And finally, I said to my friend who I am staying with, "The thing is, even if he really isn't drinking and even if he really makes an effort, I'm afraid that if I go back and then he relapses, he will have it in his mind that I can really leave him again and he will finally get violent/hurt me physically."

And I think that means that I don't get to go back. Ever. Because I don't believe that damage can be undone.

FourEyes

First off all, I'm so happy for you that you left. I've been split from my now EX AH for over a year and a half. Things were tricky because of the lease (my name was on there) and finances were tight for a bit, but I'm out. I'm the clearest I've been in a long time. I know what I want and I definitely know what I don't want.

Those outbursts can turn violent. My ex had thrown a potted plant at me, spat on me, embarrassed me in public and worn down my self esteem. The second to last outburst I experienced with my ex was him raising his fist as if to punch me in the face. I took my glasses off and told him to do his best. Instead, he opted to push me down on the futon. This argument was the result of his food coming out 10 minutes later (at a restaurant) than everyone else's.

When I finally told him I wanted a divorce, he skipped work (then a teacher's aide) for two days. The second day, there were threats of suicide by overdose. I was at work, so I called the police to do a wellness check on him, which infuriated him. When I got home from work that day, he yelled at me and then made a big show off swallowing a handful of his epilepsy meds. I called 911. He was put in a psychiatric ward for a week. He told me he had sobered up, and for couple of months I shared the apartment with him, he did not drink. As far as I know, he's still sober and resentful (he blames me for him losing his job).

I finally moved out last July and filed papers for divorce in October (I acted pro se until my parents helped me out by hiring an attorney). I'm now officially divorced as of this past July.

I will say, you should see if there are any shelters that will help you place your cats in foster care. I don't want to scare you, but alcoholics sometimes do bad things (after coming home from a weekend away with one of my oldest friends, I found my 8lb dog's cage kicked in).

I know this is a difficult situation. But YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT! This is a time where you're going to need to reach out and get the help and emotional support you need. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You are strong. You've gotten this far, so don't give up on yourself. You deserve to be happy, safe and fulfilled. Best of luck to you, my friend.

Soulful

I kicked my AH out two times before, and took him back with hopes that we can rebuild our family again. I loved him so much and I have lowered my standards just to be with him. I learn a lot from doing that, because I learnt that ignoring your values will get you in trouble.

It just got worse. I always felt he cheated on me, my soul was telling me that, but I didn't have concrete proof. Or maybe I had proof, but I refused to see the reality, because I still had hope.
My hope got shattered when he got really drunk at my son's 5th birthday and he literarily forced us to jump in the car and drove my son and I home drunk. I was stuck in the middle of an unsafe area, with no taxis around and I was so scared at how he was behaving.

He was so incredibly drunk, the car was swaying side to side and all I could do is pray. I imagined my son in a coffin and that scared the crap out of me.
And the universe also gave me the proof I needed to finally see that he also cheated on me. Between that, cocaine and raging behaviour that put me and my son in danger, I decided to be the one walking away this time.

Best decision ever.

OpheliaKatz

Hey there. I got out ten years in, although I was only married for a short part of that time. My ex's behavior was always slightly off, not out-right abusive (although some people thought he was very manipulative), but after the marriage it definitely became obvious that he was contemptuous of me (and women in general). We are dealing with similar people. They have a sense of entitlement over you. You don't have to tolerate the abuse, because that is what it is. He doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse. Would you treat anyone you love the way he treats you? I wouldn't. Please take the dog and leave. You don't have kids so it will be easier. I know that divorce is difficult, but he's not acting like a married man, he's acting like an abusive one. Alcohol doesn't automatically make people abusive. People are like that because that is who they are. PLEASE DO NOT consider saving the marriage by going to marriage counseling because if your husband is manipulative, he will use the sessions to manipulate you into staying in the relationship to your detriment (this happened to me). I don't know if you're religious but you mentioned he might be, so I'll just say this: God knows that he's not holding up his end of the marriage and it's not your fault if you leave, it is HIS fault. You can't change or fix him either. Please stay safe.

Carol Star

Seems similar to things I experienced- they switch the fault to you so they don't have to look at themselves. Alanon helped me see it wasn't me and I was powerless over what he did. The only power I had was over my reactions. I didn't know boundaries- didn't know how to set them. Alcohol destroys all their organs not just the liver- his brain is going too. It is like dementia. I divorced someone I dearly loved. He died a few years later.

FourEyes

Hi all! Thank you for all the replies. Your kind and frank words helped to ground me and made me realize that I didn't cause any of my EXAH's drinking. I am grateful for each and every one of you.

I'm happy to say that I finally moved out in July 2016 and filed papers for divorce in October 2016 (I acted pro se until my parents pushed for me to hire an attorney). I'm now officially divorced as of this past July. I haven't looked back.

Nata1980

Oh dear....

I have to say - I can totally relate to the years of gaslighting, feeling like I have done something wrong and still! feeling sorry for him.

I left when I said I would - which was if he relapses one more time. He also got into hard drugs and pills this time - and did all that while I was away on a business trip and my son was in his care.

Also (it came out after our separation and was not surprising at all) he had a fling with unemployed alcoholic drug addicted woman. Which I believe was a divine sign from a higher power and knocked any of "what ifs" right out of me.

What I have to do when I "feel sad for what his life has become" (and it still happens) is to take this empathy and direct it towards myself. No one should be allowed to treat you the way he does - not many how hart of a time they are going through.

Distance helps with clarity. The farther I am from the day of divorce and XAH - the more clear it is to me that he is deeply unhappy, insecure, addict with narcissistic inclination, and just not a good person. He talks a good game and puts a lot of effort into impression management - but it is all very shallow and meaningless.

Sounds like you got it all squared away!

amy55

I think sometimes, this is the most important things to remember. Once you leave or threaten to leave, the abuse escalates, because in their mind, you only did that because they weren't in control of you enough.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

amy55

Hi FourEyes, thank you so much for your update. I am so happy that you are out of that situation. Another success story.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

glenl

This is a huge part of what took me so long - I wasn't going to do it if I thought I was likely to go back, because I knew in my heart it might be too dangerous to go back.

Even now (and whatever this says about me I guess I'll have to live with that), I haven't told him that I definitely won't be returning. I told him that we need space between us and he needs to work on himself and I need to worry about myself and that I don't know what's going to happen.

But I am 99.9% certain that there's no going back. I leave the .1% in case of miracle, but I don't expect one.

dandylion

glenl.....you aren't obligated to tell him that you don't intend to come back.....
When it comes to your safety...you are allowed to do whatever you need to do....

This is where the domestic violence organizations can help so much...with safety planning and offering protection, if needed...
I wish that m ore people were inclined to talk to them and use their services...many of which, people don't often know about.....

glenl

Last night he actually had the gall to text me, "Are you seeing someone else. My mother thought you probably are." (emphasis mine)

Like, how f****** transparent is that? And when I responded, "You are trying to manipulate me and I am going to bed," he came back with the deluge of "I love yous" etc. Ugh.

amy55

glenl,

I found that when I was dealing with the things that you are now, I REALLY needed to talk. I guess sometimes I thought I was going crazy, and other times I thought I was doing OK.

Can I make a suggestion? Can you start you own thread so that we can get to know you better. I see a few people here are talking to you on this thread, but when we see this thread was started over 2 years ago, some people don't read all the way through. Just copy and paste what you originally wrote here on your first post into your own thread. You'll get a lot more responses.

Just know that I am here for you, and that phone call tonight? well, what can I said? you read it just the right way.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

glenl

Thank you for every word of this. And I will post a separate thread, I didn't realize this one was that old.