Cadence57

I've been staring at this computer screen for days now - reading everything I can get my hands on regarding alcoholics and their loved ones... Bits and pieces of information are floating about in my mind, just below the surface at all times...

The things we've lived with and lived through... So many examples of why it doesn't get better. So many reasons to chuck the relationship and move on while I still have my sanity... ok, what's left of my sanity... I'm only 18 months into a relationship with an alcoholic - I lived that life as a child and SWORE I'd never go back to living that way again... but, here I am (surprise!) -- there is no way I can imagine 18 years of this... I didn't have a choice as a child, I do have a choice now... Why can't I let go?

The bottom line is, despite seeing the proverbial writing on the wall, despite my common sense, my gut instincts and the sage advice from friends, I STILL find myself actually considering packing up my stuff and moving 2000 miles away so I can... what... find out what I already know? Set myself up for a failure? Have something to REALLY b*tch about??? What the hell is my problem??? Why am I even considering it?????

HOPE. There is that seed of hope. He hasn't been drunk in over a week (during our PM telephone call) - of course he may just not have been drunk YET... I can only REALLY tell after he hits a certain point in his drinking and with the two hour difference in our time zones, he's got plenty of drinking time left in the day. OK, here's one -- we haven't had one of his irrational drunken "conversations" in two weeks... I have hope and hope springs eternal...

Who am I trying to kid??? He's tried to quit before and he's always returned to his lover, the beer... Even if he stays dry, he's not doing anything to make changes so, basically, I have a dry drunk to contend with - someone who's irrational when he's sober too - that sounds like a hoot. I lived with that with my ex husband for entirely too long... He didn't drink but everything else about him screamed "alcoholic" - I don't want to go back there either.

I don't know where I"m going with this. I keep looking for something to justify hanging on to the relationship but all I find are empty promises (right there next to the empty beer cans), disappointments and... love? I think he loves me - at least I think he would if he didn't numb himself. I think I love him but, any more, I'm truely not sure... I'm not sure I even know who he is. I'm still reeling with the FACT that he is an alcoholic; I'm still adjusting to it not being just a suspicion... but a cold, hard fact. My reign as Queen of Denial is over and the truth does hurt.

Damn, I"m mad - raging mad that I could've been SO stupid, so blind, so willing to believe his BS, his lies, his promises. So stupid to get tangled up and fall "in love" with his facade... :banghead: He won't talk to me about the booze and I've resigned myself to not bringing it up -- You guys would have been proud of me, when he mentioned wanting to go help his buddy (his drinking buddy) with a fence installation tomorrow, I resisted the urge to make a sarcastic comment about what the condition of the fence line would be after a couple of/few six packs between those two... I didn't say anything but I felt the jealousy rising up to the surface... I didn't admonish him to not drink and drive (he JUST got his licesnse back YESTERDAY) - I didn't say much of anything. I kept my mouth shut!

The thing is, under all the BS, the lies, the games -- the facade -- Ive seen a glimmer of a really decent, very sensitive and thoughtful guy. I can see that but he can't -- or he doesn't fit his image of himself (which, by now, must be pretty damn bad). I can also see a very selfish, self centered and arrogent jerk -- it is real or is it the booze?

I'm venting - I'm sorry -- wait, no I'm not -- either I vent or I will explode... I choose to not explode!

OK I think it got most of it out of my system... Dang, it's all about him, isn't it? What can I do for ME? How can I start to feel better??

best

Is it real or is it the booze? Well sounds like you have discribed me in that post. I have been alcohol free for many a year but till I started working the steps of recovery, I had grown into my skin as a very selfish, self centered and arrogent jerk. The decent, very sensitive and thoughtful guy left town for a while and untill I had my eyes opened to what and who I had become, I wasn't going to change. In my opinion... just stopping the alcohol doesn't bring change. The steps and or reading and learning from the bible are needed for a full recovery. A desire for change is what brings change. When I wanted it for myself is when I found that desire.

splendra

Cadence-

I want you to read your post again take careful note of all the things you don't want for your life and ask are you getting ready to go on a 2000 mile trek for what you don't want?

Read everything you can about being co-dependent. Try to find out why you are more comfortable torturing yourself over this guy who is thousands of miles away when you could be out in your own town meeting new people and having a good time. Forget about alcoholics and his drinking and start thinking about what you want for yourself..... TAKE CARE OF YOU give yourself a break!!!!

Ann

My suggestion is to take just a little of the time, mindspace and energy that you have spent lately thinking about him and use it for yourself.

It's the weekend. Make a point, even if you don't feel like it, ESPECIALLY if you don't feel like it, to do some things that are just for YOU.

Call a friend and go meet for coffee, and make an effort to talk about anything else but him. Go to a library or book store and get a couple of good books. "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie is a good start as well as her wonderful book "The Language of Letting Go". Or get a novel or a travel book that will just let you take your mind somewhere else when the obsession begins. Take a walk in the park, go to a meeting and plan to start working the steps, join an interest group for something that you would enjoy, plan a little vacation - even a weekend getaway to visit a friend or family...just anything that is about you.

Sometimes it takes action on our part to remove ourselves as the victim and to just learn that no one else holds the key to our happiness - we do and we have all along. Take that key and unlock all the treasures that are truly yours.

Hugs
Ann

Alexia

Cadence, there are some wise people on this board. Best is right. Just quitting the drinking doesnt make it all better. I've got that "selfish, self centered jerk" right now who does not want to make a change in life, thinking that being sober for five weeks is all the effort he should give. (the big difference is that I will no longer live with it)

I'm also with Splendra. Reading your post, I think you answer all your own questions.
Taking care of you is most important, and only you can decide. I can only say that I gave it 7 years the first time, and 16 years the second time. Twenty three years to figure out that I needed to do what was right for me. Life is precious, live it for yourself.

My prayers are with you,
Alexia

Cadence57

I was bummed last night - I'd just finished a rather pleasant sober (or atleast somewhat sober - I have to assume he's drinking) conversation with him and I was feeling so very confused...
In the light of day, my words aren't as confused as I thought; in the light of day it seems pretty clear. I'm rarely so honest with myself - always skirting the edge of truth but never looking at it head on and eyes wide open.
The distance that started out as a curse has, in fact, been a Godsend. My guardian angel must've been working overtime to keep those roadblocks coming at me so I couldn't move.... LOL I think I'll give her/him a rest. I'd move in a heartbeat if he'd commit to working a program but... he's not going to do that, so... guess I won't be moving.
I can hear his words already --- "I quit drinking, what more do you want? - Why is nothing I do 'good enough' why do you women always want more?" blah blah blah. I have to be prepared with an answer for that. I am thrilled that he doesn't seem to be drinking - but... what can I say, it isn't enough! It's a great start but until something actually changes, nothing is going to change... At this point, I think it's ME who has to do the changing.

Thanks for you words -- all of you. You reinforce what I already know. :scratchch Hmmm... I think I WILL spend my weekend taking care of me - doing something I enjoy (something that gets me out of this house and out into the real world where I can meet other people)... who knows, it may be the best thing I've ever done for me.

Marti

JT

Marti...you are doing it. You are doing what drove me the looniest. Having conversations...whole conversations...having prepared answers to what he "will" say but he never says it and the answer doesn't fit.

I hit recovery when MY conversations in MY head made me cry more than what the alcoholic actually said. I had dissappeared...

Hugs,
JT

bikewench

Cadence...

You know whats funny?
I began recovery 16 years ago because I knew that if I didn't deal with my addcitions.. they could possibly end up killing me. So.. I put all my energy into learning about the 12 steps and being powerless... and I kinda skipped over the co-dependancy part.. cause I always thought... I'm an addict... not a co-die.

That's why I could never get well. That's why I could never find the solution. Co-depencancy is the base disease. It manifests in two ways... substance abuse.. and control.

And what have I been trying to do this last 14 years with my guy? Trying to control.

So.. it don't matter if I leave him... cause until I understand fully what is driving me inside.. I will just be doomed to repeat the whole scenario.

I will have to add Understanding Co-dependancy by Sharon-Wegscheider-Cruse and Joseph Cruse to the reading list.

Do yourself a favor girl.. stop focusing on your addict. He's living his own lie... and is just as helpless and confused in the face of that.

Understand co-dependancy
set yourself free...

Cadence57

You are so right. So much of this relationship is based on what I DON'T want in a relationship!!! Especially the booze part - I've always been adamant about not dating anyone who drank more than one or two drinks a night (actually, a week would be more like it but I have tried to relax my standards to accomodate for those who might have a glass of wine with dinner)
I have Melanie Beattie's books upstairs - I read them YEARS ago but I guess it's time to dust 'em off and read them again.

Thanks Splendra

Cadence57

Ahh yes... guilty.

Cadence57

Bikewench,
Thank you (again) for your honesty.

I made a decision today to get off my butt and get out and DO things. I'm so tired of sitting around obsessing about something I have no control over. The more I get out and occupy my mind, the less time I have to think, the less time I have to think the better the chance that life will continue to happen and things will work themselves out.

I'm ready to give up the struggle - I know I'm a co-dep. I remember coming to that revelation many moons ago but I guess I never actually WORKED on it - and just acknowledging it is not enough.

Slowly but surely... step by step
Marti

StandingStrong

Cadence:
This is the exact conversation that AH and I had just a few months ago. As I read your post, I could actually hear my AH's voice!!!!!!!!
But what a wonderful thing for me to read at the end...."At this point, i think it's ME who has to do the changing." Girl, this is a big realization - took me YEARS!!! to figure that out!
Keep on trudging along girl, one day at a time! However small the step may be - as long as it's a step forward, you'll still be moving!
And here's a ((((hug))) for you for whenever you may need it. We all feel weak sometimes.

Lorelai

I have to be prepared with an answer for that.

You don't have to have an answer for everything.

A couple of things I've learned are that - when I'm not absolutely sure of what I'm saying, I don't say it - and - I can always say "I don't know. I'm working on figuring it out."

I used to say a lot of things that were designed to get his attention and to make him react because I felt like he wasn't listening to me. I didn't mean them. Now, when I say something, I mean it.
L

Cadence57

Gosh, they must all read the same rules!! I've read other posts and could hear my b/f's voice in them (or my own for that matter).

Thanks for the hug -- I needed that

Cadence57

Hi Lorelai,
I have done my share of saying things to get his attention ("HELLOoo - is there anybody in there? Can you hear me now???") LOL usually those types of comments end up as arguments... especially if he's been drinking. And, even drunk, he can see a manipulation from a mile way so I've learned to not use those tactics.

I guess I don't need an answer for everything, do I? My little control freak self wants to be prepared for whatever may come up... I should know better because the alcohol conversation NEVER comes up unless I bring it up --- and I'm not doing that anymore...

Lorelai

Cadence -
I remember one time years and years ago when I was holding court in one of my one-sided conversations with my H. I talked and cried and explained (yet again) how much pain I was in. I explained (yet again) what he was doing and how much it hurt. I finally said "What is it you want from me? What do you want me to do?"

He looked at me and said "Just keep talking." At the time, I thought that was sweet. I thought that he was saying that I was getting through to him and that he knew I could save him with my words as long as I kept trying. He WANTED me to help him afterall.

Now I know that "Just keep talking." wasn't that at all. As long as I kept talking, he knew that's all I was going to do. He was extremely comfortable with that.

I decided to stop talking about it for a while. It was hard because I was convinced that was the only way to solve the problem. BUT - I read something that said "Continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results is insanity." I had been doing the same thing for 15 years. I decided to try something else.

I decided to step away from it, take some time and figure out what it was I really wanted to say. My H will never bring up the subject either and talking to him just confused me.

Hugs - L

Cadence57

I had to laugh - I had the same conversation, verbatim!
My b/f came right out and said that the more I talked the more he knew what I was up to - where my thoughts were (he had control)

Like you, I have stopped talking. No more... I'm all talked out. I've said to him everything I had to say the subject. The rest is up to him and while he muddles it out I'm going to go out do what I have to do -- for me.
Today I'm going to go visit a friend and go shopping... I'm going to get out of this apartment and start getting on with life... it's too short to spend it waiting for someone else to change.

Marti

Lorelai

You go girl !

Cadence57

I got off my rearend and went out today. I drove an hour to meet with a friend and we went to Barnes and Noble (got two books there), then to Trader Joe's (my favorite grocery store in the entire world!) to do some specialty food shopping (artichoke spaghetti sauce YUM!!!). I came home, sat outside and read one of my new books (Monty Roberts: "Horse Sense for People" - Monty Roberts is the real horse whisperer that the movie was loosely based on). Chatted for a while on the phone with a friend who just returned from Jamaica and now, here I am, back online - but I'm going back to my book shortly.
I understand that this book has been used as part of an alcohol/drug abuse treatment program, it's used by big corporations in their endeavors to humanize the work environment and in schools to create an environment conducive to learning... It is about creating an warm, trusting and caring environment for communication, fostering respect, instilling positive learning habits in children, etc etc etc.

I'll let you know what I think of it when I'm finished
Marti

brightlight

I have not posted my story here yet, but it has bits and pieces of all of yours. Husband with alcoholic father. Grew up drinking. I have been married to him for 12 years and he stopped drinking about 4 years after we were married and we had about 6 or 7 years of a wonderful life. We have two kids 11 and 5. I have a job on the computer from home and he works. His job has a bar where drinks are served and the employees can drink after they clock out. He started drinking two years ago. Kids are upset. I am upset. I feel like my job is only giving him extra money so he can drink. He drinks at a bar across the street and I feel like the bottle is his first love. I feel used. He is nice and all that except when I cause the trouble. I am a big time codie person. I was going to have a talk with him today. Called on the phone and DEMANDED like a nut that he be home right after work and we are going to TALK. I guess about how I feel so bad and blah blah blah. I am now not going to talk. He will be home and I am telling him I decided I have nothing to talk about. Everytime I say I want this or that, he does just opposite. There is no controlling him. I am thinking of buying some land and moving a trailer to it. I am interested in having a garden and chickens. I am thinking about horses too. He can come or stay here.