talia

Hi cadence..

I just wanted to share my experience because I could relate to your post so well...I saw myself in you...

I hope this makes sense..

I was involved in a long distance relationship on and off for 6 years...the ending of that relationship is what brought me to this forum..because the person I was involved with is an alcoholic/drug addict..

I learned about codependency years ago..16 years ago..when I was going through a divorce...I gave myself quite an education on codependency...learned why I was the way I was...and was determined not to repeat the "cycle" with my child...

all my growth..was done at an intellectual level....I went to therapists...and learned what all my "core" issues were....I was given anti-depressants for depression...

now I know...that something didn't take place....or I wouldn't be where I am now...I never "healed that wounded child" within....

I thought I knew enough...not to place expectations on anyone else to make me happy..intellectually I knew that nobody could fulfill my every need...I knew that another person..wasn't going to be my "cureall"...I knew that I wouldn't skip happily down the road forever...just because I had somebody else....

I thought I had grown enough..that I could be involved...and still work on my issues.I thought that being involved would add to my life...it would just make it better...as I continued to grow...well...what a bunch of BS...I was telling myself...

the real truth is...that I was waiting for someone to love me..FIRST...if somone else loved me..than that meant I was lovable..THEN I would work on myself...

I asked myself...a million times..when I got involved again...why I was staying in it...all the signs were there...history kept repeating itself....

now I know why history kept repeating itself.....it didn't matter that I had all this intellectual knowledge..it wasn't what was "driving the bus"...what was driving the bus...was "that wounded" child..that child in me is was what was attracted to him..

had I been as "emotionally" and "spiritually" evolved as that "intellectual" part of me had been.. we would not have become involved again...

the first time we became involved...I didn't know he was an addict...he didn't drink or use drugs when I was around him...I'm sure if I had lived near him..he wouldn't have been able to "hide" this for long...it sure explained things when it ended...that's when he told me about his addictions..I thought I was going crazy...nothing ever made sense..and I didn't know why....of course,this allowed me to stay in denial..that there might be anything wrong with me...I could blame the all the "craziness" on him..

the second time we became involved...he did drink and use in front of me..I asked about it...but he told me it was no longer an issue...and I wanted to believe him...I never brought the subject up again..

well, he ended it..because..he met someone else...and while I know...this is the best thing that could have happened for me...it sure doesn't feel like it....yet...

but it is the "thing" that has brought me to my knees...if I don't "heal" that child within me..if I don't learn how to love myself...FIRST...I will go thru this pain again and again..


I am reading some of the same books again..that I did 16 years ago..it is like reading them for the first time...it isn't enough...to read that I need to love myself..I NEED to do it...now I know...what "experts" I need....I need GOD..he is THE expert in love..I need human "experts" that know how to teach me how to go out about this business of loving myself..because surely if I'd known how to do that..I would have done it by now..all I've been doing...is living my life in all the ways...that show I don't love myself...and I need friends..that understand me...I too have people in my life...that ask me..why in the world..would I get so involved with someone who couldn't love me back?..why did I stay in it for so long?.do you enjoy being hurt?..

I "justified" staying in the relationship..because I saw enough there to keep me "hoping"...yes..I saw all the good in him..and focused on that...I didn't focus...on what was "really" there now..

and now I know..that he is no different than me....he doesn't love himself either..and I can't make himself...love himself..and I feel sad for him..

he can't love me or anyone else..not in terms of what "love" really means..because he doesn't "really" love himself...and he has to love himself...FIRST...before he can do that


just as I have to love myself FIRST...before I can "really" love someone the way I would like to...yes..I know intellectually..what that all means for me..but not in my heart yet....

and nobody can make "me" love "myself" either..that is something I have to do...

my "hope" for him now...is not "hope" that he will love me...my "hope" for him now..is that he will "love" himself..


you're so right cadence...all you can do is "change" you...I hope that by sharing my experience..will somehow..reinforce that belief....

inside of you..just as there is in me..is a person that deserves to be loved..I'm glad that you are getting on with your life...

Cadence57

Talia,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me... It really does help a lot to get that kind of validation.

I'm only kinda surprised by how similar our stories are -- only kinda because since I came to SR it's been the norm... seems we all share some very common core characteristics... It was shocking at first, to be quite honest, but I've learned to expect it now! LOL

I can't agree with you more regarding the intellectualizing vs knowing, understanding, and accepting deep down inside. I read everything I could get my hands on, I educated myself but it all stayed in my head - not a whole lot made it to my heart, where change is born. I think that this time is, and will be, a different kind of learning experience. I'm open to change - I WANT to change. I don't want a dysfunctional relationship with an alcoholic, I want a relationship born of honesty trust, respect, a commitment to communication... if I can't get that with my b/f (and I know I won't get it with my b/f if he's not willing to work on his issues), I feel secure it will come to me when I'm ready.

This -- the acceptance and the changing and growing -- it's so important to me. I don't want to repeat my past mistakes. I'm tired of always feeling as though I have to give my partner the benefit of the doubt -- I'm trying to embrace the concept of "It is what it is" and if I don't like what it is then I'm free to move on. I have a choice!!!

The Self love concept is a bit difficult. I was in counselling at one time, shortly after my divorce, and the counselor had me take a photo of myself as a small child and really LOOK at it... She asked me if that child was capable of being guilty of any sort of wrong doings -- of course not... "she" was just a child! I can love that child in the photo - I can wrap my arms around her and hold her close to my heart - no questions, no doubts. What I have trouble reconciling, however, is that the child is ME. My head knows it's me but my heart... I don't know... It just doesn't seem like me... I feel very detached from that child in the picture.


Marti

CrazyRed

Ditto on the You go girl, part!