biminiblue

The fact that you are having a visceral reaction to an electronic interaction with an abusive ex should be huge red flags for you.

Let him go.

I would go further to say, get yourself into a recovery program or counseling. Any obsessive behavior, but especially surrounding someone who has treated me badly is part of my sickness, not part of my recovery. I totally understand it because in the past I would hope for a do-over; one that would leave me feeling more powerful and validated - but he has shown you who he is and it isn't anything good.

I no longer spend time on FB, but when I was there I had my profile and pictures locked down as far as was possible. None of my exes had even access to look at it.

I hope you will delete him and block him. Wishing for a healing from him is not a good place to be. I can't go looking for healing from the one who hurt me. It doesn't work like that. Some relationships are meant to be over when they are over.

SuzyMarie

Not judging...been in your shoes, more than once. So ditto to what everyone else has posted and in my experience, any time I let my guard down thinking I could maintain any contact with my ex, I was very regretful that I did so. Stay strong!

NYCDoglvr

I think the fact that you're posting about him means there's some pull there. What would be the basis of friendship? And why do you think he's changed? I suggest ignoring contact in any form.

Roxxxy

Hi everyone, thanks for all of your replies. I did it! I deleted him off my friend request and blocked. I'm glad I didn't send him a message. I saw how it was making me feel - distressed. Therefore, not worth putting myself through another possible roller coaster. I worked so hard on myself these last two years since breakup, getting myself healthy again mentally, emotionally and physical. I would have honestly been disappointed with myself if I would have opened door back up completely with him.

I realized for sometime now that my life is happy without him. I don't need any apologies or explanations from him. I'm ok!!! Life is beautiful!! I'm glad I reached out to you guys on this one. Thank you!!!

marie1960

Think you made a very wise choice in deleting him Roxy.

FeelingGreat

You've gone backwards about 100 steps there. You've used the word 'distress'. Block him sweetie.

searching peace

Congratulations of the realization of what was going on and being able to stop yourself from more heartache from this looser!

Roxxxy

Thank you. Overall I know I made the right decision. Plus I started a summer class today so I need to keep focused on what's important, my responsibilities.

However, I do wonder what his reaction will be once he realizes I deleted him. Is it wrong that I want him to be bothered, possibly heart broken? I shouldn't wish these things I know. Yet, it brings up past moments in our relationship when he rejected me from many things - overall feeling of being acknowledged and loved by him. I guess a little bit of me wants him to feel the rejection he gave me in past.

searching peace

None of what you "feel" is wrong. We all do the best we can with what we have in any given moment. When we know better, we do better. My hope for you is that you can get to a point that his reaction or his feelings about your actions do not matter to you. I understand you wanting him to feel the rejection he placed on you for all of that time. But something tells me this person does not have the ability to feel empathy and won't feel anything not rejection, not acceptance, etc. I think he is only in tune with what his needs and wants are and isn't concerned with anyone's reactions to him.

iGirl66

No, Bueno. All this drama over a friend request, all the obsessing on why he hasn't sent you a message. If you were and addict, this is a relapse. Already a nice chunk of your 2 year "sobriety" is down the drain. Read through your old posts to remind yourself why he is an ex, block him again and get back on the wagon for your sanity!

iGirl66

What searching peace said!

JKSGRL

I totally know how you feel, wanting him to feel the burn, regret, rejection, all of that. But every time I'd do something thinking he would feel these things (even when I convinced myself I was doing it for my good and it didn’t matter how it reacted), I'd find out it barely made a dent in his ego and it would put me back at square one. Even when he said it would get to him, it never seemed genuine and it was a temporary fix. I had to learn (the very hard way, over and over again) that you're never going to be truly satisfied with any of his responses or even knowing it did hurt him, because he is an addict and their thinking and feeling process is certainly not the same. It just won’t EVER be enough to make up for what he has put you through. You have to learn to find closure for that on your own, not from him.

You might have seen this quote or something similar floating around these pages, it's simple but so right on.

"Holding anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick"

I basically look at that as any negative feelings or wishing any sort of revenge on someone else, it’s just a big waste of our time, energy, thoughts and emotion.

It took me a LONG time but once I finally blocked the ex and stop looking for apologies or revenge, life was so much sweeter! Again in my opinion it’s better to not know and anytime I felt tempted or angry I learned to run it off therefore I’m probably in the best health I’ve been in a long time, ha! Always got to turn that pain into gain!

atalose

Is FB the only way this person knows how to get in contract with you? Doesn’t he know your address? I would think that if his person had any remorse in any way shape or form that the teary eyed apology you anticipate so much would have already arrived, and not on FB.

What’s that expression about assume – When you assume you make an ass out of YOU and ME.

YES – this…….look how big and major and stressful a little thing as a drunk friend request has turned you.

NO it wouldn’t be ok not unless you wanted to erase these past 2 years and go right back to that same place all over again. Emotionally you are already right back there.

Why would you even think being friends with this person how could that benefit you in any way shape or form?

Roxxxy

Q: So.... because I got sensitive over friend request make me not over it? I ask because I honestly don't have any more anger or resentment towards him. However, does wishing him to feel my rejection - mean I'm still holding anger?? Im confused lol.

I didn't realize that him sending friend request would spark up some emotions - distress in patariculat, only because I felt like I had enough time (2 yrs.) to heal. Guess I'm still healing?? I'm a little confused on what my emotions are all about....

kayleezen

Hi Roxxxy,

Just wondering why you would think anyone on this site would say anything else but do not respond?

It seems everyone guides to NC and complete banishment. I would think about it and check your own motives, I really want to have a conversation with my exab but I have different reasons.

If you don't feel triggered, I would consider it but there is a reason everyone is against it...

BLESSINGS
kzen

Roxxxy

Kay I'm a little confused on what you mean in your first sentence?

Yea... I'm agree with everyone. I did delete and block him. I'm only human just trying to understand my emotions. They count right? I mean regardless if I've moved on or not. Im still learning and growing from all of this...

amy55

Roxxxy, You most certainly entitled to your own emotions. I had the same ones.

I'll even go out on a limb here and say that this might have been the way that he abused you. With silent treatments. Treating you like you don't matter. So he puts the carrot out for your to grab onto and he gets the response from you, then he ignores you again. That is was we need to go NC, so we don't jump for the carrots they are holding out.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Roxxxy

Thanks again for all comments. I appericate them all and do take them into deep thought and consideration.

I'm starting to understand why NC with exabf is the best way to stay. I was thinking that 2 years of healing time was all I needed and a possible "friendship" with ex would be ok. I'm not sure what his intentions were in reaching out. However, I do know he hasn't changed, he's still drinking (mutual friends have told me). Like I said, I got excited - even thought he may have hit rock bottom and reaching out to me to apologize or in need of a friend was the issue. Ha, who am I kidding huh?

Btw... amy55, yes when him and I were together he did a good job of neglecting me - withholding affection. I would always speak of it, question in tears if their was something wrong with me. He would always respond back with.... You need to earn my love and affection and until you stop nagging maybe you'll get what you want. <---- This is only a small portion of his mental and emotional abuse he gave me.

Come to think of it a week before he sent me friend request I bumped into his friend out one night. His friend was telling me how my ex was still up to no good. His friend then compliments me on how I look really good and asked if I was over ex, I replied back with...... Heck yeah!!!! I have no doubt his friend called him up and told him about bumping into me and letting know that I was doing really well and over him. I then received request a week later. Haha kinda funny.

Roxxxy

So yea... I guess part of me telling that last story about bumping into his friend was in regards to him reaching out to me, but then only to ignore me. He heard I was doing good and over him - possibly wanted to still see if he could control/abuse me for his ego? Idk

atalose

Usually we actually SEE the change when a person has truly changed. Like I said, he knows your address and if he had true remorse and had changed he would have sent you a sincere letter of apology and wished you well.

But more often than not when we sit back and watch, it still is all about them and them getting their needs met and has nothing to do with us with the exception that we allowing ourselves to get sucked back in.

Anytime your feelings feel like distress – listen to them because they are warning you that you are floating into dangerous territory.