So, I guess this is it...
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Honeypig.....another idea to go into your bag of ideas.....you might look for any retirement group of citizens in your area....many times retired people are looking for part-time jobs for the fun and a little pocket money to supplement their income....
dandylion
dandylion
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HP, I am so sorry for all you are going through, but so happy for your new job. That is super great, and sounds like it is happening at just the right time in your life.
I would ask a neighborhood kid with responsible parents. Also, where I live there are people who post it on babysitting web sites LOL. I don't know if you have any locally owned pet stores or groomers, etc, but those people are often a wealth of information!
I am planning on offering a girl who goes to school w/my DD $10 to come in and check on my kitties while I go on vacation. Her mom is happy w/this b/c it gives her a little spending money even though she is not quite ready to be an actual babysitter. Sort of learning responsibility.
Many hugs to you my friend!
I would ask a neighborhood kid with responsible parents. Also, where I live there are people who post it on babysitting web sites LOL. I don't know if you have any locally owned pet stores or groomers, etc, but those people are often a wealth of information!
I am planning on offering a girl who goes to school w/my DD $10 to come in and check on my kitties while I go on vacation. Her mom is happy w/this b/c it gives her a little spending money even though she is not quite ready to be an actual babysitter. Sort of learning responsibility.
Many hugs to you my friend!
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Thanks, you guys--I really appreciate all the suggestions. I don't know if a pet door can work, since there are steps to enter the house both front and back--it sits on a fieldstone foundation and the floors are raised from ground level. There is a porch on the north side; maybe that could work? I'll check.
I will look into the Pet-loo as well as checking w/retirees and kids. So far, services/walkers are just not in my budget--I understand they need to cover travel time, gas, etc., but it's still not affordable for me.
So, to all of you who have applauded my strength and so on--I think it was more shock than strength! I have just been slightly nauseous and more than a little anxious today, have been finding that I'm not breathing or breathing very shallowly and have to remind myself to take that "deep breath" we all talk about. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of that cliff that I talked about way back in one of my first posts ever here. It just feels so much more irrevocable now than it has before, more real. I wouldn't have said I had a lot of false hope, but I guess maybe I did.
AH came back from his meeting all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on Sunday. He is still willing to sign the divorce papers w/no trouble and now has the great idea that he should fix up our upstairs (where the evil plane-modeling studio is) so that he can live up there (it has been a separate upper flat for many years, we just haven't rented it out since shortly after we got married). I'm really not sure what this is about...
He claims he "hit his bottom" on Saturday afternoon, and that is why he came downstairs and said "I can't do this anymore." He says he was angry and hurt b/c I didn't listen to him and have compassion for him, and if I'd given him a chance to explain, things would have been different. He has a point in that I often speak too soon, don't hear people out, don't get the whole story.
However, I did the compassion thing on several occasions 2 years ago when all this was first being revealed. You see how much different the result of "compassion" versus "non-compassion" was, right? The lying and use of joint finances w/o my knowledge or consent just went on and on...
But yet, he has done so many kind and thoughtful things and helped in so many ways. I can almost begin to understand why people stay in alcoholic marriages, why they figure, on balance, that it's OK.
It is such a mess. I am scared. All I can do is the next right thing. And that's to get to the courthouse and file those papers later today. Beyond that, I'll let my HP take care of it, b/c I just don't know what's next.
I will look into the Pet-loo as well as checking w/retirees and kids. So far, services/walkers are just not in my budget--I understand they need to cover travel time, gas, etc., but it's still not affordable for me.
So, to all of you who have applauded my strength and so on--I think it was more shock than strength! I have just been slightly nauseous and more than a little anxious today, have been finding that I'm not breathing or breathing very shallowly and have to remind myself to take that "deep breath" we all talk about. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of that cliff that I talked about way back in one of my first posts ever here. It just feels so much more irrevocable now than it has before, more real. I wouldn't have said I had a lot of false hope, but I guess maybe I did.
AH came back from his meeting all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on Sunday. He is still willing to sign the divorce papers w/no trouble and now has the great idea that he should fix up our upstairs (where the evil plane-modeling studio is) so that he can live up there (it has been a separate upper flat for many years, we just haven't rented it out since shortly after we got married). I'm really not sure what this is about...
He claims he "hit his bottom" on Saturday afternoon, and that is why he came downstairs and said "I can't do this anymore." He says he was angry and hurt b/c I didn't listen to him and have compassion for him, and if I'd given him a chance to explain, things would have been different. He has a point in that I often speak too soon, don't hear people out, don't get the whole story.
However, I did the compassion thing on several occasions 2 years ago when all this was first being revealed. You see how much different the result of "compassion" versus "non-compassion" was, right? The lying and use of joint finances w/o my knowledge or consent just went on and on...
But yet, he has done so many kind and thoughtful things and helped in so many ways. I can almost begin to understand why people stay in alcoholic marriages, why they figure, on balance, that it's OK.
It is such a mess. I am scared. All I can do is the next right thing. And that's to get to the courthouse and file those papers later today. Beyond that, I'll let my HP take care of it, b/c I just don't know what's next.
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Just caught up on your thread. (((HUGS))) and Congrats on your job Honeypig. Lots of change.....and I hate change....but if I have to change something, I change EVERYTHING at once. Looks like that's what you have going on - and life doesn't get much more ALIVE than that. Hell, get a haircut or new hair style on top of it all 
Congrats, all the way around - and sending peace and support through it all.
Congrats, all the way around - and sending peace and support through it all.
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Oh HP, I totally hear you. Sometimes I think that right before we take that final, definitive step, we are hit with one last big wave of doubt.
One can only imagine why he seems to think he will continue to live in your house. Perhaps it's his way of quacking to try to minimize the seriousness of the situation. I hope that when that issue comes to a head, it will be resolved peacefully.
One can only imagine why he seems to think he will continue to live in your house. Perhaps it's his way of quacking to try to minimize the seriousness of the situation. I hope that when that issue comes to a head, it will be resolved peacefully.
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Originally Posted by honeypig 
He claims he "hit his bottom" on Saturday afternoon, and that is why he came downstairs and said "I can't do this anymore." He says he was angry and hurt b/c I didn't listen to him and have compassion for him, and if I'd given him a chance to explain, things would have been different. He has a point in that I often speak too soon, don't hear people out, don't get the whole story.
)It still sounds like a lot of JADEing & blameshifting on his part though. I still don't hear any accountability from him in what you've shared; lack of compassion doesn't justify secret drinking or lies.
Maybe he expects you'll share the house long-term as 2 separate "apartments" like a duplex?
Too bad he didn't come home with a new & improved plan for recovery instead though.... quack, quack, quack.Shock sounds accurate! Fear is normal, things are changing & no matter how good or how planned the change may be it is unnerving to experience. I can also totally understand having a smidgen of hope still tucked away inside... I think it's totally normal. (((((((hugs)))))))
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Whatever he thinks to get you to the finish line with divorce is OK, but
after that, he moves.
You will end up getting "reeled in" when his condition continues to deteriorate.
I know you know this, just supporting you.
Doggie door on porch was a lifesaver for my mother and her dog when she could no longer take the dog out for toilet.
If you fence is secure and you have a feeder, it will work just fine I bet
Hang in there HP--you will be just fine and we are here and have your back
after that, he moves.
You will end up getting "reeled in" when his condition continues to deteriorate.
I know you know this, just supporting you.
Doggie door on porch was a lifesaver for my mother and her dog when she could no longer take the dog out for toilet.
If you fence is secure and you have a feeder, it will work just fine I bet
Hang in there HP--you will be just fine and we are here and have your back
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Oh, Dear....I had the very first thought as firesprite....that he may be thinking of staying in the house as a separate apartment......
Maybe that is just me future tripping........(bad dandylion!).
dandylion
Maybe that is just me future tripping........(bad dandylion!).
dandylion
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FS and dandy, you are both right, that is exactly what he thinks will happen. I asked him for details, why he would do this, what would be his goal. He said "b/c I like it here, b/c I can continue to do the stuff I do for you around here, and b/c I don't know what I'll do w/all my tools and stuff." He does do stuff, and I do have concerns about that. But if he is that serious about continuing to help, he will be able to come by every so often to do so, right?
Thank you for the reminder that there is really no accountability--I do NOT see it. Any time I've brought it up, he gets very defensive and seems to feel he's done enough, somehow. I've often thought this is the source of the kind and thoughtful stuff he does--some kind of guilt or "making it up to me." I've asked him this point blank before and he denies it, but I guess what would I expect him to say....?
I was just wandering around the kitchen, thinking "oh, we both paid for the fridge, it's not fair that I get to keep it" and then thought "but how much of our money did HE spend on smokes and booze? No, I get the fridge w/o guilt!"
Thank you for the reminder that there is really no accountability--I do NOT see it. Any time I've brought it up, he gets very defensive and seems to feel he's done enough, somehow. I've often thought this is the source of the kind and thoughtful stuff he does--some kind of guilt or "making it up to me." I've asked him this point blank before and he denies it, but I guess what would I expect him to say....?
I was just wandering around the kitchen, thinking "oh, we both paid for the fridge, it's not fair that I get to keep it" and then thought "but how much of our money did HE spend on smokes and booze? No, I get the fridge w/o guilt!"
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Originally Posted by firebolt
Just caught up on your thread. (((HUGS))) and Congrats on your job Honeypig. Lots of change.....and I hate change....but if I have to change something, I change EVERYTHING at once. Looks like that's what you have going on - and life doesn't get much more ALIVE than that. Hell, get a haircut or new hair style on top of it all Congrats, all the way around - and sending peace and support through it all.
Congrats, all the way around - and sending peace and support through it all.The suggestion for a new haircut/style made me laugh--I wear my hair short, VERY short--like an inch to an inch and a half short! I think my options are limited to going total Sinead O'Connor shave or dying it fuchsia (does fuchsia cover gray well?). Maybe something like this for the summer:
I can't believe how much it helps to laugh! Thanks, all!
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Papers filed. All that remains to make it official is the judge's signature and then a copy will be mailed to each of us. I guess I'm about as close to divorced as you can get w/o the final papers in your hands.
Also spent time w/the insurance agent getting my auto insurance separated from his--I received some wise advice to do this right away, since clearly he will drive drunk. More papers for him to sign and return...
As we were almost home from the courthouse, we saw some guys trying to move a big snapping turtle out of the 4-lane highway we were on. AH and I pulled over and wrapped the snapper up in a big blanket that was in my car and took him across the road to the pond there. It took some doing to get him out of the blanket and pointed the right way, but he made his way to the water, slowly submerged, still facing us, and bobbed a few times, putting just his weird little nostrils above the water. Then he turned to face the pond and swam gently off, long neck extended, legs w/long-clawed feet paddling, gradually disappearing into the tea-colored water. I want to remember exactly how he looked; I found it calming and somehow reassuring.
Also spent time w/the insurance agent getting my auto insurance separated from his--I received some wise advice to do this right away, since clearly he will drive drunk. More papers for him to sign and return...
As we were almost home from the courthouse, we saw some guys trying to move a big snapping turtle out of the 4-lane highway we were on. AH and I pulled over and wrapped the snapper up in a big blanket that was in my car and took him across the road to the pond there. It took some doing to get him out of the blanket and pointed the right way, but he made his way to the water, slowly submerged, still facing us, and bobbed a few times, putting just his weird little nostrils above the water. Then he turned to face the pond and swam gently off, long neck extended, legs w/long-clawed feet paddling, gradually disappearing into the tea-colored water. I want to remember exactly how he looked; I found it calming and somehow reassuring.
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Haha - Apparently fuchsia and lavender hair is all the rage!
On the turtle, a girlfriend of mine had a wolf run in front of her not too long ago, and while she was on a drive and going through turmoil. Soon after, she met a spiritual guide that told her the wolf is her spirit animal and was there to guide her.
I don't know if you are spiritual or not....but this is freaking cool, and explains the sense of calm:
Spirit of Turtle, Your Animal Spirit Guide, Turtle Totem
That turtle was for YOU, girl!
On the turtle, a girlfriend of mine had a wolf run in front of her not too long ago, and while she was on a drive and going through turmoil. Soon after, she met a spiritual guide that told her the wolf is her spirit animal and was there to guide her.
I don't know if you are spiritual or not....but this is freaking cool, and explains the sense of calm:
Spirit of Turtle, Your Animal Spirit Guide, Turtle Totem
That turtle was for YOU, girl!
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Holy cow, firebolt--that is some amazing stuff! AH and I have rescued a number of turtles over the years, some together and some on our own. I hope that all the things that site said about the "Spirit of Turtle" come to bear in my life as well as his.
Thanks for the post.
Thanks for the post.
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I had the exact same thoughts as firebolt (maybe that fire-twin thing last week wasn't so far off base, lol!) .....that turtle was no accident, it was serendipity... they are GOOD MOJO my friend, highly symbolic & just generally awesome. He was there for you, no doubt, but it's also kinda symbolic that you freed the turtle together, almost ceremoniously. During one of my big AHA phases in recovery I had a persistent woodpecker in my back yard demanding my attention for days... then he moved on & never returned.
This is my favorite part of the description of the turtle from the link in fire's post:
Talk about a pretty clear road sign on your journey! 
This is my favorite part of the description of the turtle from the link in fire's post:
The Turtle Spirit asks you to seek serenity in all things. Use your energy effectively, and don't be frustrated by minor matters or events beyond your control. Remember that a period of Chaos often precedes a new dawn of Creation.
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Catching up here at SR and I want to wish you all the courage and strength for this new part of your life.
I really do like what firebolt said about if you have to change something, change everything. Change is good why we fear it so much I don’t know.
I also agree that him remaining just as he was in the same building as you, separate apartment or not is no kind of positive change for you.
Exciting with the new job and new life, you will do just fine!!!!
((hugs))
I really do like what firebolt said about if you have to change something, change everything. Change is good why we fear it so much I don’t know.
I also agree that him remaining just as he was in the same building as you, separate apartment or not is no kind of positive change for you.
Exciting with the new job and new life, you will do just fine!!!!
((hugs))
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On the turtle front: I found a very long "turtle medicine" page https://morningstar.netfirms.com/turtle.html and it is almost scary how much of it fits to the proverbial T. Thanks to those who pointed out the significance of the turtle to me, as I think it's probably pretty important and I wouldn't have realized it on my own.
CarmenLove, I'm so glad to have been a kind voice at a time when you surely needed one. I'm so glad to pay back a small fraction of what I receive here!
Hawkeye and Atalose, I'm certain you're right about how simply moving him upstairs will not be a sufficient change for either of us. He continues to act as if I'm overreacting, as if nothing he's done has been that big of a deal, as if the problem is MINE and not his. He can cry about the least little thing in a movie but shed not one tear yesterday when we filed papers to end a 19-year marriage. He has been cooperative thus far in everything I've asked him to do regarding ending the marriage, which is a blessing. I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be for those of you who are fighting custody/financial/property battles, too.
At this point, I will take the advice of dandy and others and use that "turtle medicine" to travel slowly and steadily, paying attention to details. I do believe I'm at the end; I just need for all the straggling bits to catch up.
And I'm also seeing that being done doesn't necessarily mean there are not emotions attached--I exchanged emails w/a good recovery friend where I talked about the fears I have, and of course there is sadness. I have some abandonment issues myself, and I have to keep telling myself that I'm NOT abandoning him, I'm turning him over to his HP. Not only that, but that I'M not being abandoned; I'm also being turned over to my HP (who I guess may look like a snapping turtle!).
I'm tired as hell b/c I slept very little last night, but it's a beautiful day here and I'm going to pack up my little houndies and take a nice walk on the trails in a local county park. I think we'll all feel better.
Again, thanks to everyone who's posted or read here. The support is tremendous and helps so much.
CarmenLove, I'm so glad to have been a kind voice at a time when you surely needed one. I'm so glad to pay back a small fraction of what I receive here!
Hawkeye and Atalose, I'm certain you're right about how simply moving him upstairs will not be a sufficient change for either of us. He continues to act as if I'm overreacting, as if nothing he's done has been that big of a deal, as if the problem is MINE and not his. He can cry about the least little thing in a movie but shed not one tear yesterday when we filed papers to end a 19-year marriage. He has been cooperative thus far in everything I've asked him to do regarding ending the marriage, which is a blessing. I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be for those of you who are fighting custody/financial/property battles, too.
At this point, I will take the advice of dandy and others and use that "turtle medicine" to travel slowly and steadily, paying attention to details. I do believe I'm at the end; I just need for all the straggling bits to catch up.
And I'm also seeing that being done doesn't necessarily mean there are not emotions attached--I exchanged emails w/a good recovery friend where I talked about the fears I have, and of course there is sadness. I have some abandonment issues myself, and I have to keep telling myself that I'm NOT abandoning him, I'm turning him over to his HP. Not only that, but that I'M not being abandoned; I'm also being turned over to my HP (who I guess may look like a snapping turtle!).
I'm tired as hell b/c I slept very little last night, but it's a beautiful day here and I'm going to pack up my little houndies and take a nice walk on the trails in a local county park. I think we'll all feel better.
Again, thanks to everyone who's posted or read here. The support is tremendous and helps so much.
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