Stuck and Desperate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
Stuck and Desperate
Long time since I have posted. I've been married for 17 years to AH. I've tried to leave many times, but every time,
something extreme happens to force me to stay whether financial, health, legal or otherwise.
Once again, on Thursday, I was looking for a cheap home to buy to get out and viewed it. Once again, I'm forced to stay
in my impossible situation. Yes, forced. I'm still shocked. How can I be legally forced to stay? But I am. After
viewing the home I wanted to buy in the morning, my drunk AH showed up at our business office and refused to leave.
He wanted to lay on the office floor. I looked in his car to see that morning he had already had 8 beers. He made
a scene with our employee who also yelled at him to leave, continued to scream at me and call me names because I took
his remaining 12 pack. I decided to leave this escalated situation and go to lunch so he could sober up and leave.
When I returned, there was a sheriff's car running in the parking lot but empty (it was 95 degrees F). I walked into
the office, and there were 2 officers there. They explained that one was the deputy and the other a DCF agent, I was
under investigation for elder abuse (he's younger than me) and they were interviewing my AH so I had to go outside and wait,
I couldn't leave and it was hot. So I cried and waited . Then they conducted my interview outisde.
The first thing they asked me 3 times was, "Are you the caretaker?" I said, "No, I'm his wife." I was read my Miranda
rights as they recorded me.
I figured that home health care had reported me. He has Medicare and they started his care the previous week because he
skipped out on his doctor appointments. He then started skipping the home care appointments to go off drinking. I
was sometimes called after the fact. I never was told when they were coming to help them out. My house has been a mess
because I'm so busy running the business by myself and I had my own health issues. AH quit doing anything at home,
including bathing himself because he ramped up his drinking. He won't feed himself even though there is food here, says
his throat hurts too bad from his throat cancer and radiation that started in February (not sore enough to stop from
drinking over 18 beers a day.) He is so abusive when I try to help that I just quit. I try to stay away and do my best.
The DCF agent said to me, "You are considered his caretake because in your marriage vows you promised to stay with
him in sickness and in health." I said, "I did stay with him and not divorce him. Why am I obligated to care
for him when I'm not trained as a nurse or alchol councelor, especially when he's so verbally abusive constantly
calling me a *****?" She said, "If you don't care for him, who will?" I said, "The home health people who turned
me in I guess." She then said I had better clean the house and help him more. She would be doing an inspection
and if it wasn't satisfactory, I would be in trouble. I don't know what to do. I have no money, no health insurance,
and no Medicare. He's a cash cow to all these people so I get to be the bad guy when he misses appointments.
Meanwhile, I'm stuck: I'm a slave to my verbally abusive master. Jail doesn't look so bad. Oh, then these home health
decided he need more help like a nursing home/alcohol treatment center for two months. So far, no one will take
him because he is "too medically needy" with his cancer and inability to walk without a walker. And I have to go out
of state to be with my terminal mother this week. Can anyone help? It's feeling hopeless.
something extreme happens to force me to stay whether financial, health, legal or otherwise.
Once again, on Thursday, I was looking for a cheap home to buy to get out and viewed it. Once again, I'm forced to stay
in my impossible situation. Yes, forced. I'm still shocked. How can I be legally forced to stay? But I am. After
viewing the home I wanted to buy in the morning, my drunk AH showed up at our business office and refused to leave.
He wanted to lay on the office floor. I looked in his car to see that morning he had already had 8 beers. He made
a scene with our employee who also yelled at him to leave, continued to scream at me and call me names because I took
his remaining 12 pack. I decided to leave this escalated situation and go to lunch so he could sober up and leave.
When I returned, there was a sheriff's car running in the parking lot but empty (it was 95 degrees F). I walked into
the office, and there were 2 officers there. They explained that one was the deputy and the other a DCF agent, I was
under investigation for elder abuse (he's younger than me) and they were interviewing my AH so I had to go outside and wait,
I couldn't leave and it was hot. So I cried and waited . Then they conducted my interview outisde.
The first thing they asked me 3 times was, "Are you the caretaker?" I said, "No, I'm his wife." I was read my Miranda
rights as they recorded me.
I figured that home health care had reported me. He has Medicare and they started his care the previous week because he
skipped out on his doctor appointments. He then started skipping the home care appointments to go off drinking. I
was sometimes called after the fact. I never was told when they were coming to help them out. My house has been a mess
because I'm so busy running the business by myself and I had my own health issues. AH quit doing anything at home,
including bathing himself because he ramped up his drinking. He won't feed himself even though there is food here, says
his throat hurts too bad from his throat cancer and radiation that started in February (not sore enough to stop from
drinking over 18 beers a day.) He is so abusive when I try to help that I just quit. I try to stay away and do my best.
The DCF agent said to me, "You are considered his caretake because in your marriage vows you promised to stay with
him in sickness and in health." I said, "I did stay with him and not divorce him. Why am I obligated to care
for him when I'm not trained as a nurse or alchol councelor, especially when he's so verbally abusive constantly
calling me a *****?" She said, "If you don't care for him, who will?" I said, "The home health people who turned
me in I guess." She then said I had better clean the house and help him more. She would be doing an inspection
and if it wasn't satisfactory, I would be in trouble. I don't know what to do. I have no money, no health insurance,
and no Medicare. He's a cash cow to all these people so I get to be the bad guy when he misses appointments.
Meanwhile, I'm stuck: I'm a slave to my verbally abusive master. Jail doesn't look so bad. Oh, then these home health
decided he need more help like a nursing home/alcohol treatment center for two months. So far, no one will take
him because he is "too medically needy" with his cancer and inability to walk without a walker. And I have to go out
of state to be with my terminal mother this week. Can anyone help? It's feeling hopeless.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
If you are considered his caretaker because he is unable to care for himself, under our state law you would be able to have him involuntarily committed due to the extent of his substance abuse and self- neglect. Not sure what the laws are in your state. Do you have money to hire an attorney to help you navigate this? You might have more options than you can see right now.
So sorry you're in this awful situation. I hope you can get some relief soon.
So sorry you're in this awful situation. I hope you can get some relief soon.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Sadly there are consequences for choosing to be with an addict. I managed to get out by the skin of my teeth, but not long after, my ex was involved in a fatal hit and run while under the influence. Had we still been together I could have been facing ruinous legal bills due to his actions.
No one else seems to be looking out for your interests in this situation, so you will have to take the initiative if you want anything to change. I agree with Ladyscribbler's advice -- an attorney would be an excellent place to start.
No one else seems to be looking out for your interests in this situation, so you will have to take the initiative if you want anything to change. I agree with Ladyscribbler's advice -- an attorney would be an excellent place to start.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I have no formal knowledge of the law, but would agree w/LS that you should seek legal help--it seems impossible that you would be held responsible for the care of another adult simply b/c you're married to him and "who else will do it?"
Awful situation, but I have to believe there is a way out for you. Please check out your legal options.
Awful situation, but I have to believe there is a way out for you. Please check out your legal options.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi, just wanted really to say Hi. I can't imagine what you are going through.
Can you please call the DV line 1 800 799 SAFE. They might be able to help you, or give you resources .
I so feel for you.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Can you please call the DV line 1 800 799 SAFE. They might be able to help you, or give you resources .
I so feel for you.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Saint Francis.......You need to become proactive on your own behalf.
(are you in his same age group? If he is elderly--then you are also---and, he is abusing you. You can report hims, also---just like he did you!!!!!!!!!!_
Apparently, you have a l o t of eye-witnesses to the crap that he is dishing out.
1. Call your local Domestic violence center---talk to the people there--they will help you with various resources...and, direct you to the best legal services for y our situation.
2. You must get legal advice
3. You should contact y our COUNTY social services department as an ENERGENCY request for help....Ask to speak to a SOCIAL WORKER, there.
4. Call a local church and ask for volunteers to come over and help you clean up the house. Put out the call---help will come.....
It is not hopeless--there is help---BUT, the thing is---you have to be aggressive in seeking it out. Don't be afraid to open your mouth in your own behalf.
dandylion
(are you in his same age group? If he is elderly--then you are also---and, he is abusing you. You can report hims, also---just like he did you!!!!!!!!!!_
Apparently, you have a l o t of eye-witnesses to the crap that he is dishing out.
1. Call your local Domestic violence center---talk to the people there--they will help you with various resources...and, direct you to the best legal services for y our situation.
2. You must get legal advice
3. You should contact y our COUNTY social services department as an ENERGENCY request for help....Ask to speak to a SOCIAL WORKER, there.
4. Call a local church and ask for volunteers to come over and help you clean up the house. Put out the call---help will come.....
It is not hopeless--there is help---BUT, the thing is---you have to be aggressive in seeking it out. Don't be afraid to open your mouth in your own behalf.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I knew of a situation a few years ago, where an alcoholic guy got a mail order bride from Russia over here. After beating her up for a few months, he had her arrested for spousal abuse. She barely spoke English, and ended up in the country jail for several months. When it came time for her release, she begged the jailers to let her live there in exchange for menial labor, so she would not have to go back to her abuser.
Later, she found out that she was wife number six, and the second one from Russia.
They divorced. The guy had spent down the thousands she had brought over here, then got 50% of the little she had left.
I thought that was one of the wilder stories I had ever heard until I read yours. I am SO sorry!!! I hope everything works out well.
Later, she found out that she was wife number six, and the second one from Russia.
They divorced. The guy had spent down the thousands she had brought over here, then got 50% of the little she had left.
I thought that was one of the wilder stories I had ever heard until I read yours. I am SO sorry!!! I hope everything works out well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
First of all I am sorry for what brings you here.
Secondly, and very important, you need to seek legal counsel YESTERDAY. Honestly you should not have spoken with the officers. You were not under arrest so I am curious why they mirandized you. You can very nicely tell the officers you will need to seek legal counsel, and that you are not answering them.
Elder abuse is very, very serious. This is not anything you need to mess with. You could find yourself in a load of trouble that you do not deserve. Lawyer up I don't care what it takes.
Putting my life in the hands of an A seems an easier path that in the hands the Feds, City or State Gov't when they start an investigation like this.. You are under no obligation WHATSOEVER to answer ANY of their questions without representation.
Good luck with this and please heed this warning. I hope Lexiecat will be by soon to add in something.
Secondly, and very important, you need to seek legal counsel YESTERDAY. Honestly you should not have spoken with the officers. You were not under arrest so I am curious why they mirandized you. You can very nicely tell the officers you will need to seek legal counsel, and that you are not answering them.
Elder abuse is very, very serious. This is not anything you need to mess with. You could find yourself in a load of trouble that you do not deserve. Lawyer up I don't care what it takes.
Putting my life in the hands of an A seems an easier path that in the hands the Feds, City or State Gov't when they start an investigation like this.. You are under no obligation WHATSOEVER to answer ANY of their questions without representation.
Good luck with this and please heed this warning. I hope Lexiecat will be by soon to add in something.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Can you file for divorce?
Originally Posted by Saint Francis 
Long time since I have posted. I've been married for 17 years to AH. I've tried to leave many times, but every time,
something extreme happens to force me to stay whether financial, health, legal or otherwise.
Once again, on Thursday, I was looking for a cheap home to buy to get out and viewed it. Once again, I'm forced to stay
in my impossible situation. Yes, forced. I'm still shocked. How can I be legally forced to stay? But I am. After
viewing the home I wanted to buy in the morning, my drunk AH showed up at our business office and refused to leave.
He wanted to lay on the office floor. I looked in his car to see that morning he had already had 8 beers. He made
a scene with our employee who also yelled at him to leave, continued to scream at me and call me names because I took
his remaining 12 pack. I decided to leave this escalated situation and go to lunch so he could sober up and leave.
When I returned, there was a sheriff's car running in the parking lot but empty (it was 95 degrees F). I walked into
the office, and there were 2 officers there. They explained that one was the deputy and the other a DCF agent, I was
under investigation for elder abuse (he's younger than me) and they were interviewing my AH so I had to go outside and wait,
I couldn't leave and it was hot. So I cried and waited . Then they conducted my interview outisde.
The first thing they asked me 3 times was, "Are you the caretaker?" I said, "No, I'm his wife." I was read my Miranda
rights as they recorded me.
I figured that home health care had reported me. He has Medicare and they started his care the previous week because he
skipped out on his doctor appointments. He then started skipping the home care appointments to go off drinking. I
was sometimes called after the fact. I never was told when they were coming to help them out. My house has been a mess
because I'm so busy running the business by myself and I had my own health issues. AH quit doing anything at home,
including bathing himself because he ramped up his drinking. He won't feed himself even though there is food here, says
his throat hurts too bad from his throat cancer and radiation that started in February (not sore enough to stop from
drinking over 18 beers a day.) He is so abusive when I try to help that I just quit. I try to stay away and do my best.
The DCF agent said to me, "You are considered his caretake because in your marriage vows you promised to stay with
him in sickness and in health." I said, "I did stay with him and not divorce him. Why am I obligated to care
for him when I'm not trained as a nurse or alchol councelor, especially when he's so verbally abusive constantly
calling me a *****?" She said, "If you don't care for him, who will?" I said, "The home health people who turned
me in I guess." She then said I had better clean the house and help him more. She would be doing an inspection
and if it wasn't satisfactory, I would be in trouble. I don't know what to do. I have no money, no health insurance,
and no Medicare. He's a cash cow to all these people so I get to be the bad guy when he misses appointments.
Meanwhile, I'm stuck: I'm a slave to my verbally abusive master. Jail doesn't look so bad. Oh, then these home health
decided he need more help like a nursing home/alcohol treatment center for two months. So far, no one will take
him because he is "too medically needy" with his cancer and inability to walk without a walker. And I have to go out
of state to be with my terminal mother this week. Can anyone help? It's feeling hopeless.
something extreme happens to force me to stay whether financial, health, legal or otherwise.
Once again, on Thursday, I was looking for a cheap home to buy to get out and viewed it. Once again, I'm forced to stay
in my impossible situation. Yes, forced. I'm still shocked. How can I be legally forced to stay? But I am. After
viewing the home I wanted to buy in the morning, my drunk AH showed up at our business office and refused to leave.
He wanted to lay on the office floor. I looked in his car to see that morning he had already had 8 beers. He made
a scene with our employee who also yelled at him to leave, continued to scream at me and call me names because I took
his remaining 12 pack. I decided to leave this escalated situation and go to lunch so he could sober up and leave.
When I returned, there was a sheriff's car running in the parking lot but empty (it was 95 degrees F). I walked into
the office, and there were 2 officers there. They explained that one was the deputy and the other a DCF agent, I was
under investigation for elder abuse (he's younger than me) and they were interviewing my AH so I had to go outside and wait,
I couldn't leave and it was hot. So I cried and waited . Then they conducted my interview outisde.
The first thing they asked me 3 times was, "Are you the caretaker?" I said, "No, I'm his wife." I was read my Miranda
rights as they recorded me.
I figured that home health care had reported me. He has Medicare and they started his care the previous week because he
skipped out on his doctor appointments. He then started skipping the home care appointments to go off drinking. I
was sometimes called after the fact. I never was told when they were coming to help them out. My house has been a mess
because I'm so busy running the business by myself and I had my own health issues. AH quit doing anything at home,
including bathing himself because he ramped up his drinking. He won't feed himself even though there is food here, says
his throat hurts too bad from his throat cancer and radiation that started in February (not sore enough to stop from
drinking over 18 beers a day.) He is so abusive when I try to help that I just quit. I try to stay away and do my best.
The DCF agent said to me, "You are considered his caretake because in your marriage vows you promised to stay with
him in sickness and in health." I said, "I did stay with him and not divorce him. Why am I obligated to care
for him when I'm not trained as a nurse or alchol councelor, especially when he's so verbally abusive constantly
calling me a *****?" She said, "If you don't care for him, who will?" I said, "The home health people who turned
me in I guess." She then said I had better clean the house and help him more. She would be doing an inspection
and if it wasn't satisfactory, I would be in trouble. I don't know what to do. I have no money, no health insurance,
and no Medicare. He's a cash cow to all these people so I get to be the bad guy when he misses appointments.
Meanwhile, I'm stuck: I'm a slave to my verbally abusive master. Jail doesn't look so bad. Oh, then these home health
decided he need more help like a nursing home/alcohol treatment center for two months. So far, no one will take
him because he is "too medically needy" with his cancer and inability to walk without a walker. And I have to go out
of state to be with my terminal mother this week. Can anyone help? It's feeling hopeless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
Thanks everyone for the advice.
I did consult with a divorce lawyer last year. He warned me that AH may become mentally incompetent and unable to make decisions, include divorce so here we are now. Basically, it will take years now to become final. I don't think my AH has that long to live without immediate intervention. He just turned 50. I'm 50 so I don't understand the "elder abuse." He looks, acts, and has the brain of someone much older. I'm just frustrated with the system. I'm in Florida and I've heard horror stories. Now, I'm living mine. I will seek legal help again, if I can get the legal services for free given my financial situation. It just seems like when I need help, I don't qualify. But the poor baby alcoholic get's SS disability, Medicare, and many other resources. He chooses to live like this.
I did consult with a divorce lawyer last year. He warned me that AH may become mentally incompetent and unable to make decisions, include divorce so here we are now. Basically, it will take years now to become final. I don't think my AH has that long to live without immediate intervention. He just turned 50. I'm 50 so I don't understand the "elder abuse." He looks, acts, and has the brain of someone much older. I'm just frustrated with the system. I'm in Florida and I've heard horror stories. Now, I'm living mine. I will seek legal help again, if I can get the legal services for free given my financial situation. It just seems like when I need help, I don't qualify. But the poor baby alcoholic get's SS disability, Medicare, and many other resources. He chooses to live like this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Saint Francis,
You definitely need to consult with a lawyer. You're considering buying a house--I'd suggest that that money would be better spent, at this point, on legal advice so you can get free of this marriage and terminate your responsibility toward someone determined to self-destruct.
Is he mentally competent (apart from the drinking)?
You definitely need to consult with a lawyer. You're considering buying a house--I'd suggest that that money would be better spent, at this point, on legal advice so you can get free of this marriage and terminate your responsibility toward someone determined to self-destruct.
Is he mentally competent (apart from the drinking)?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by Saint Francis
Thanks everyone for the advice.
I did consult with a divorce lawyer last year. He warned me that AH may become mentally incompetent and unable to make decisions, include divorce so here we are now. Basically, it will take years now to become final. I don't think my AH has that long to live without immediate intervention. He just turned 50. I'm 50 so I don't understand the "elder abuse." He looks, acts, and has the brain of someone much older. I'm just frustrated with the system. I'm in Florida and I've heard horror stories. Now, I'm living mine. I will seek legal help again, if I can get the legal services for free given my financial situation. It just seems like when I need help, I don't qualify. But the poor baby alcoholic get's SS disability, Medicare, and many other resources. He chooses to live like this.
I did consult with a divorce lawyer last year. He warned me that AH may become mentally incompetent and unable to make decisions, include divorce so here we are now. Basically, it will take years now to become final. I don't think my AH has that long to live without immediate intervention. He just turned 50. I'm 50 so I don't understand the "elder abuse." He looks, acts, and has the brain of someone much older. I'm just frustrated with the system. I'm in Florida and I've heard horror stories. Now, I'm living mine. I will seek legal help again, if I can get the legal services for free given my financial situation. It just seems like when I need help, I don't qualify. But the poor baby alcoholic get's SS disability, Medicare, and many other resources. He chooses to live like this.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Take care of yourself!
Also, as a patient (not your patient, but of the system) he has the right to refuse food, drink, assistance, etc. I am not a lawyer and I am not giving you law advice. But, if I were you I would start to keep a journal (contact notes) and simply write every time he refuses to eat, bathe, appointments, etc. Record it all. If he has a nurse I would also call her and tell her he is refusing meals, bathing and have her document it and give you her recommendations. Maybe ask her for a copy of the Patient Bill of Rights or find it on the medicaid website.
Where I live a patient has the right to refuse food. Just so long as it is available, being offered, etc.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
Update: AH was taken to a hospital 2 hours away this morning to detox. After that he goes into a treatment center for up to two months, according to the home health people that arranged it. The problem was I was supposed to fly this morning to visit my terminal mother. He was very ill detoxing the hours before going to hospital and all of it was draining. I did talk to airline and since I could prove he went to the hospital, they waived the flight change fee. Thank God. So, I'm going Thursday. It's just so peaceful at home and work now. And I really do want AH to get better and healthy. If there was no intervention, he would have died soon. So I do feel better and at least DCF should leave me alone for a while.
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