New with recovery question
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Originally Posted by CarryThatWeight 
March, how's that manipulating other people thing working for you? How did that manipulating her to stop drinking for the last 20 years of your marriage work for you?
Quite well... I often accomplish a lot with it. Unfortunately, just not enough of the right stuff to save the marriage to the point where I'd be happy with it, so I'm back to learning more skills. I don't give up easily.
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Originally Posted by March1234
Carry,
Quite well... I often accomplish a lot with it. Unfortunately, just not enough of the right stuff to save the marriage to the point where I'd be happy with it, so I'm back to learning more skills. I don't give up easily.
Quite well... I often accomplish a lot with it. Unfortunately, just not enough of the right stuff to save the marriage to the point where I'd be happy with it, so I'm back to learning more skills. I don't give up easily.
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Originally Posted by CarryThatWeight
You want to learn more skills... what kind, exactly? You came on this forum saying you wanted help because you were not able to stop your wife's drinking for 20 YEARS with 25 therapists, rehabs, etc. Then when we suggest that you are powerless over her behavior, you deny it. That is some deep denial on your part, my friend. I hope you can get off the merry go round, because you are headed for a lot more pain if you continue to try to develop skills to control her drinking. I hope your relationship works out and she stays sober. However, if she does, it is because she wanted to, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
I'm not going to debate the power of influence that one has on another, but I know it's possible. I've done it. I know it doesn't always work, as in the alcohol.
And, yes, I clearly believe that if she stays sober, it's because she want's to, not because I told her to do so.....
So, my question is this: What made her quit drinking and stay sober for 16 months? (not looking for an answer, we don't know, yet, and may never know). She started it before we separated. So, we know she has the capability.... now the goal is to keep it that way.
She has had similar capability in the past, but on a much smaller scale, like when we traveled. Not sure what triggered her to stay sober for trips up to two weeks long, but it did work for the most part.
If I find the answer to that, perhaps I can provide some input to create (or keep) that environment alive for her..... or perhaps others have thoughts on doing the same.
I know I can't "control" her drinking, but I can control the environment. Not saying it will work for sure... but sure better than doing nothing. And, I don't mean controlling her life, I mean putting things in her environment that may help with her decisions. That has worked in the past.... just not enough.
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Controlling someones environment IS controlling their life.
You can hang up calming artwork in your house, you can mask all of your emotions and just keep a Stepford happy face at all times so she doesn't feel stress from your bad days, you can send yourselves on constant vacations, you can sabotage her relationships with her 'bad' friends and family, you can buy her flowers weekly and be with her every day so her environment does not get out of control.
If she wants to drink in that perfect environment you set up for her, she will.
Honestly, if someone were to try to control my environment, that would make ME want to drink!
March, I promise you that taking care of yourself and loving yourself will allow you to love her in a healthy way. Loving her in a healthy way is the BEST you can do to support her in keeping a sober lifestyle.
This isn't "doing nothing" - it's really, really hard work. It's being honest with yourself, self discovery, and growth.
I am all about supporting someone that wants a healthy life! You can participate in healthy activities , have healthy fun, lend a listening ear should she want to talk about her path, and let her know how much you love the healthy her.
When we want to control things so they live "the right way, " WE ourselves, are unhealthy.
You can hang up calming artwork in your house, you can mask all of your emotions and just keep a Stepford happy face at all times so she doesn't feel stress from your bad days, you can send yourselves on constant vacations, you can sabotage her relationships with her 'bad' friends and family, you can buy her flowers weekly and be with her every day so her environment does not get out of control.
If she wants to drink in that perfect environment you set up for her, she will.
Honestly, if someone were to try to control my environment, that would make ME want to drink!
March, I promise you that taking care of yourself and loving yourself will allow you to love her in a healthy way. Loving her in a healthy way is the BEST you can do to support her in keeping a sober lifestyle.
This isn't "doing nothing" - it's really, really hard work. It's being honest with yourself, self discovery, and growth.
I am all about supporting someone that wants a healthy life! You can participate in healthy activities , have healthy fun, lend a listening ear should she want to talk about her path, and let her know how much you love the healthy her.
When we want to control things so they live "the right way, " WE ourselves, are unhealthy.
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Originally Posted by firebolt
Controlling someones environment IS controlling their life.
You can hang up calming artwork in your house, you can mask all of your emotions and just keep a Stepford happy face at all times so she doesn't feel stress from your bad days, you can send yourselves on constant vacations, you can sabotage her relationships with her 'bad' friends and family, you can buy her flowers weekly and be with her every day so her environment does not get out of control.
If she wants to drink in that perfect environment you set up for her, she will.
Honestly, if someone were to try to control my environment, that would make ME want to drink!
March, I promise you that taking care of yourself and loving yourself will allow you to love her in a healthy way. Loving her in a healthy way is the BEST you can do to support her in keeping a sober lifestyle.
This isn't "doing nothing" - it's really, really hard work. It's being honest with yourself, self discovery, and growth.
I am all about supporting someone that wants a healthy life! You can participate in healthy activities , have healthy fun, lend a listening ear should she want to talk about her path, and let her know how much you love the healthy her.
When we want to control things so they live "the right way, " WE ourselves, are unhealthy.
You can hang up calming artwork in your house, you can mask all of your emotions and just keep a Stepford happy face at all times so she doesn't feel stress from your bad days, you can send yourselves on constant vacations, you can sabotage her relationships with her 'bad' friends and family, you can buy her flowers weekly and be with her every day so her environment does not get out of control.
If she wants to drink in that perfect environment you set up for her, she will.
Honestly, if someone were to try to control my environment, that would make ME want to drink!
March, I promise you that taking care of yourself and loving yourself will allow you to love her in a healthy way. Loving her in a healthy way is the BEST you can do to support her in keeping a sober lifestyle.
This isn't "doing nothing" - it's really, really hard work. It's being honest with yourself, self discovery, and growth.
I am all about supporting someone that wants a healthy life! You can participate in healthy activities , have healthy fun, lend a listening ear should she want to talk about her path, and let her know how much you love the healthy her.
When we want to control things so they live "the right way, " WE ourselves, are unhealthy.
This is all part of a positive, good relationship. Yes, one can work hard on it, and one can be lazy about it.... I choose to work hard, and try to learn things that can help, and that's why I'm here. I'm not a control freak.
I really think we are talking about totally different kind of control.
Some examples:
She gets up in the morning... makes coffee, and reads for a bit before I get up. She has set the environment so when I get up, I refresh her coffee, get me some, a morning snack, and go out and sit with her on the deck for some quality time. If she didn't "prep" me, I'd be more unlikely to follow through. Controlling? Yes, to a point... she set the stage.
I love to sit in the jacuzzi for a bit, she's not into it that much, so I'll take both coffees to the jacuzzi, and bring a chair out for her, and she will come over, and have coffee with me. I'll finish the jacuzzi, and go back to her table with her. If I dropped her coffee off at her table and didn't bring the chair over (setting the stage), she would be less likely to join me.....
Very small things... but very good. I'd like to be controlled like this all the time (and we do). There's probably hundreds of similar things we do.
On the "negative" side. When one of us is in a negative mood, having a bad day, the other one simply offers support... a huge, a simple "sorry, but can I help" .... and that sets the stage to get rid of the bad mood.
Does this always work..... no. But it usually does.
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March, those things are all well and good, but they won't influence or moderate her drinking. The best environment in the world can't do that. If she doesn't want to do the hard work do get sober, she won't. It's that simple.
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Originally Posted by CarryThatWeight
March, those things are all well and good, but they won't influence or moderate her drinking. The best environment in the world can't do that. If she doesn't want to do the hard work do get sober, she won't. It's that simple.
I totally agree, but a nice environment is better than a lousy one. And for her, the nice environment, she drinks less, and has done so over the past 20 years and was somewhat predictable, but not foolproof.... just couldn't get it to end.... thus the divorce. The divorce was because I couldn't live with the inconsistencies. I don't believe she's hopeless, and has proven so for the past 16 months. And for the past 16 months, we have had not had a bad word or major issue between us (other that minor disagreements that were solvable), nor has she been under the influence of alcohol.
Can we survive this without major problems? Who knows, but I'm at least going to give it a good try, and that's why I'm here.
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She gets up in the morning... makes coffee, and reads for a bit before I get up. She has set the environment so when I get up, I refresh her coffee, get me some, a morning snack, and go out and sit with her on the deck for some quality time. If she didn't "prep" me, I'd be more unlikely to follow through. Controlling? Yes, to a point... she set the stage.
I love to sit in the jacuzzi for a bit, she's not into it that much, so I'll take both coffees to the jacuzzi, and bring a chair out for her, and she will come over, and have coffee with me. I'll finish the jacuzzi, and go back to her table with her. If I dropped her coffee off at her table and didn't bring the chair over (setting the stage), she would be less likely to join me.....
I love to sit in the jacuzzi for a bit, she's not into it that much, so I'll take both coffees to the jacuzzi, and bring a chair out for her, and she will come over, and have coffee with me. I'll finish the jacuzzi, and go back to her table with her. If I dropped her coffee off at her table and didn't bring the chair over (setting the stage), she would be less likely to join me.....
The control comes in to play when you look at it as controlling, or as manipulating eachother to do something.
You don't need to answer this to me.....it's just for you to answer honestly for yourself, and is part of the self discovery I mentioned before:
If she were to start declining the coffee by the jacuzzi, that awesome time you have together, how would you react?
If I were in your shoes, and before my hard work, I would have either:
Quit hitting the jacuzzi as much so I could go back and join her at the table.
Or, I would have made the chair by the jacuzzi more enticing with her favorite magazine, or her favorite snack.
The healthy option would be to let her coffee and chair remain at her table, and go enjoy myself in the jacuzzi as usual, because that is what I like to do. Three years ago, that never would have crossed my mind.
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Originally Posted by firebolt
These are simply doing nice things for eachother - THAT'S GREAT! Honestly...that's the good stuff
The control comes in to play when you look at it as controlling, or as manipulating eachother to do something.
You don't need to answer this to me.....it's just for you to answer honestly for yourself, and is part of the self discovery I mentioned before:
If she were to start declining the coffee by the jacuzzi, that awesome time you have together, how would you react?
If I were in your shoes, and before my hard work, I would have either:
Quit hitting the jacuzzi as much so I could go back and join her at the table.
Or, I would have made the chair by the jacuzzi more enticing with her favorite magazine, or her favorite snack.
The healthy option would be to let her coffee and chair remain at her table, and go enjoy myself in the jacuzzi as usual, because that is what I like to do. Three years ago, that never would have crossed my mind.
The control comes in to play when you look at it as controlling, or as manipulating eachother to do something.
You don't need to answer this to me.....it's just for you to answer honestly for yourself, and is part of the self discovery I mentioned before:
If she were to start declining the coffee by the jacuzzi, that awesome time you have together, how would you react?
If I were in your shoes, and before my hard work, I would have either:
Quit hitting the jacuzzi as much so I could go back and join her at the table.
Or, I would have made the chair by the jacuzzi more enticing with her favorite magazine, or her favorite snack.
The healthy option would be to let her coffee and chair remain at her table, and go enjoy myself in the jacuzzi as usual, because that is what I like to do. Three years ago, that never would have crossed my mind.
It's all about the nice environment and being together. Sure, it sometimes doesn't work well, and I go into a different mode... just be kinds and basically sympathize with her if she's having a bad day, and visa versa. She's probably more sympathetic to me, as I have more mood swings from things not going right, but recover rather quickly.
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Originally Posted by CarryThatWeight
You've got this "nice environment" thing worked out... So what was your question again?
Just looking for more guidance, ideas, and ways to keep her in a situation that keeps alcohol in control.
Is that possible? Pobabably not, but certainly worth getting all the info and knowledge I can.
Perhaps someone hear will post a "gem" of an idea that may help. Who knows.
I'm not giving up.
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Ok I will bite on this discussion.
I think a degree of manipulation does exist in all relationships. I know how to motivate my husband to clean the house - I make him some dessert. While someone may argue I shouldn't have to I don't mind. Trust he does the same for me at times, but our entire marriage does not pivot on an axis of manipulating or buying each other things to force a positive behavior. Some do though and those kinds of relationships eventually burn out. I don't see that here. I do think you think if you can create a lifestyle that is super awesome that she will be less likely to drink. I'll agree with you a bit but not totally. Her moderation comes from her desire to do so - if there is positive reinforcement as well I would say yes that can help, but it may not in the end. I think you are aware of that. The amount of control in relationships vary and what works for one is not always applicable to another. For instance I am very lenient about husband making decisions about where we eat or what we are going to watch on TV. I could care less. I do care about going and doing the things I want to without restriction. That is understood in our relationship. That may not work for everyone.
What made her quit drinking and stay sober for 16 months? (not looking for an answer, we don't know, yet, and may never know). She started it before we separated. So, we know she has the capability.... now the goal is to keep it that way.
This is my opinion: A's decide to get sober when a couple things happen. Most involve accountability and repercussion, and the moment of clarity when they realize they are powerless over alcohol. Codies have a tendency to deflect accountability and not enforce repercussion. At the end of the 20 years you were out the door. Her drinking may have stopped while you were still living together, but before you left you were checked out, and the marriage had ended. Accountability and repercussion.
I have advised how I would proceed but I will say it again. You have mentioned if you intend to marry again - do you? I wouldn't without a prenup that was locked down so tight the Supreme Court couldn't do anything with it. I would make it VERY clear that should past behavior raise its head you will be out the door. This time around there will not be 20 years or even 20 days to try and get on the straight and narrow.
If you are choosing not to re-marry I would proceed with keeping all finances separate, property separate, investments separate etc. Same stipulations as above. Its sounds that you are both financially sound which affords you more freedoms. Its not like you are walking into this combining assets that will put you in a position harder to get out of.
With all that said it would behoove you to work on your control issues. You have them.
Ok, just move forward and enjoy your life with her. No one can predict if it will work. No one can predict if any relationship will.
I think a degree of manipulation does exist in all relationships. I know how to motivate my husband to clean the house - I make him some dessert. While someone may argue I shouldn't have to I don't mind. Trust he does the same for me at times, but our entire marriage does not pivot on an axis of manipulating or buying each other things to force a positive behavior. Some do though and those kinds of relationships eventually burn out. I don't see that here. I do think you think if you can create a lifestyle that is super awesome that she will be less likely to drink. I'll agree with you a bit but not totally. Her moderation comes from her desire to do so - if there is positive reinforcement as well I would say yes that can help, but it may not in the end. I think you are aware of that. The amount of control in relationships vary and what works for one is not always applicable to another. For instance I am very lenient about husband making decisions about where we eat or what we are going to watch on TV. I could care less. I do care about going and doing the things I want to without restriction. That is understood in our relationship. That may not work for everyone.
What made her quit drinking and stay sober for 16 months? (not looking for an answer, we don't know, yet, and may never know). She started it before we separated. So, we know she has the capability.... now the goal is to keep it that way.
This is my opinion: A's decide to get sober when a couple things happen. Most involve accountability and repercussion, and the moment of clarity when they realize they are powerless over alcohol. Codies have a tendency to deflect accountability and not enforce repercussion. At the end of the 20 years you were out the door. Her drinking may have stopped while you were still living together, but before you left you were checked out, and the marriage had ended. Accountability and repercussion.
I have advised how I would proceed but I will say it again. You have mentioned if you intend to marry again - do you? I wouldn't without a prenup that was locked down so tight the Supreme Court couldn't do anything with it. I would make it VERY clear that should past behavior raise its head you will be out the door. This time around there will not be 20 years or even 20 days to try and get on the straight and narrow.
If you are choosing not to re-marry I would proceed with keeping all finances separate, property separate, investments separate etc. Same stipulations as above. Its sounds that you are both financially sound which affords you more freedoms. Its not like you are walking into this combining assets that will put you in a position harder to get out of.
With all that said it would behoove you to work on your control issues. You have them.
Ok, just move forward and enjoy your life with her. No one can predict if it will work. No one can predict if any relationship will.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
Ok I will bite on this discussion.
I think a degree of manipulation does exist in all relationships. I know how to motivate my husband to clean the house - I make him some dessert. While someone may argue I shouldn't have to I don't mind. Trust he does the same for me at times, but our entire marriage does not pivot on an axis of manipulating or buying each other things to force a positive behavior. Some do though and those kinds of relationships eventually burn out. I don't see that here. I do think you think if you can create a lifestyle that is super awesome that she will be less likely to drink. I'll agree with you a bit but not totally. Her moderation comes from her desire to do so - if there is positive reinforcement as well I would say yes that can help, but it may not in the end. I think you are aware of that. The amount of control in relationships vary and what works for one is not always applicable to another. For instance I am very lenient about husband making decisions about where we eat or what we are going to watch on TV. I could care less. I do care about going and doing the things I want to without restriction. That is understood in our relationship. That may not work for everyone.
What made her quit drinking and stay sober for 16 months? (not looking for an answer, we don't know, yet, and may never know). She started it before we separated. So, we know she has the capability.... now the goal is to keep it that way.
This is my opinion: A's decide to get sober when a couple things happen. Most involve accountability and repercussion, and the moment of clarity when they realize they are powerless over alcohol. Codies have a tendency to deflect accountability and not enforce repercussion. At the end of the 20 years you were out the door. Her drinking may have stopped while you were still living together, but before you left you were checked out, and the marriage had ended. Accountability and repercussion.
I have advised how I would proceed but I will say it again. You have mentioned if you intend to marry again - do you? I wouldn't without a prenup that was locked down so tight the Supreme Court couldn't do anything with it. I would make it VERY clear that should past behavior raise its head you will be out the door. This time around there will not be 20 years or even 20 days to try and get on the straight and narrow.
If you are choosing not to re-marry I would proceed with keeping all finances separate, property separate, investments separate etc. Same stipulations as above. Its sounds that you are both financially sound which affords you more freedoms. Its not like you are walking into this combining assets that will put you in a position harder to get out of.
With all that said it would behoove you to work on your control issues. You have them.
Ok, just move forward and enjoy your life with her. No one can predict if it will work. No one can predict if any relationship will.
I think a degree of manipulation does exist in all relationships. I know how to motivate my husband to clean the house - I make him some dessert. While someone may argue I shouldn't have to I don't mind. Trust he does the same for me at times, but our entire marriage does not pivot on an axis of manipulating or buying each other things to force a positive behavior. Some do though and those kinds of relationships eventually burn out. I don't see that here. I do think you think if you can create a lifestyle that is super awesome that she will be less likely to drink. I'll agree with you a bit but not totally. Her moderation comes from her desire to do so - if there is positive reinforcement as well I would say yes that can help, but it may not in the end. I think you are aware of that. The amount of control in relationships vary and what works for one is not always applicable to another. For instance I am very lenient about husband making decisions about where we eat or what we are going to watch on TV. I could care less. I do care about going and doing the things I want to without restriction. That is understood in our relationship. That may not work for everyone.
What made her quit drinking and stay sober for 16 months? (not looking for an answer, we don't know, yet, and may never know). She started it before we separated. So, we know she has the capability.... now the goal is to keep it that way.
This is my opinion: A's decide to get sober when a couple things happen. Most involve accountability and repercussion, and the moment of clarity when they realize they are powerless over alcohol. Codies have a tendency to deflect accountability and not enforce repercussion. At the end of the 20 years you were out the door. Her drinking may have stopped while you were still living together, but before you left you were checked out, and the marriage had ended. Accountability and repercussion.
I have advised how I would proceed but I will say it again. You have mentioned if you intend to marry again - do you? I wouldn't without a prenup that was locked down so tight the Supreme Court couldn't do anything with it. I would make it VERY clear that should past behavior raise its head you will be out the door. This time around there will not be 20 years or even 20 days to try and get on the straight and narrow.
If you are choosing not to re-marry I would proceed with keeping all finances separate, property separate, investments separate etc. Same stipulations as above. Its sounds that you are both financially sound which affords you more freedoms. Its not like you are walking into this combining assets that will put you in a position harder to get out of.
With all that said it would behoove you to work on your control issues. You have them.
Ok, just move forward and enjoy your life with her. No one can predict if it will work. No one can predict if any relationship will.
You make some very good points, and suspect my manipulation isn't much different than yours. We have decided that we will not make ultimatums that aren't in both of our best interest.... like, paint the garage or no sex. That doesn't happen with us, and never did... excepting some of the threats made when alcohol was a big problem.... hopefully that's over.
Also, I have not threatened her with "if the drinking becomes a problem, I'll be out the door, pronto" or similar, but I have clearly got the point across that is was the reason for failure and I won't be able to put up with failure again. I also indicated that I'd support her, regardless, but there's no time frame set on if or when I'd leave.
Another thing... after going thru 20 years of fighting this and all of the unpleasantries of divorce, we have ALWAYS cared for each other. Didn't show it always, but it was there..... the actual divorce was totally civil, we did it ourselves, with the help of an unbiased attorney to do things correct. We still own property together, and other assets .... no problem. Finances were never a "trust" issues, and I'd trust her with my entire estate, and likewise... no need for a prenup. And, yes, we do share dollars for the basic household needs, and if she needs some, I give it to her.... and likewise. Neither one of us ever cheater the other out of money or property. So the financial thing is not an issue for this discussion. As for marriage, we are open to it, but for now there is a huge financial penalty if we were to marry and no advantages.
The problem was alcohol and her control of it, and that's my main concern today. She has admitted, for years, that she was an alcoholic, and a drunk... she just didn't want to quit. I almost accepted it as norm, but about 5 years before the end, I just got tired of the uncertainty of not know when it would be an issue, especially with activities with family and friends. And worse if we were the host. About 3 years out I told her it was going to end and started to plan along those lines. A few times, I thought things would turn around, once she quit for about 2 months.
So, goal is the same... to maintain her current status for now.
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You know March you have 4 pages of responses and of every idea, advice, etc. you don't agree with advice. In fact you go to great length to express how you have it all under control, or how your ideas are fine, are working, etc. for your terminally unique A.
You are doing everything incontrovertibly wrong from becoming involved with an alcoholic whom is drinking (moderate or not), not laying down boundaries, stating that you will support her IF she "relapses" with no time frame for how long you will support, or if and when you will leave, not protecting yourself from another divorce (sorry don't care if things were pleasant last time no guarantees this time, and they are all costly under the best of circumstances).
Dude, nothing would make me happier than it to work out perfectly, I really hope it does. I don't think there is any advice to be had here! You don't really want it.
Caveat Emptor.
You are doing everything incontrovertibly wrong from becoming involved with an alcoholic whom is drinking (moderate or not), not laying down boundaries, stating that you will support her IF she "relapses" with no time frame for how long you will support, or if and when you will leave, not protecting yourself from another divorce (sorry don't care if things were pleasant last time no guarantees this time, and they are all costly under the best of circumstances).
Dude, nothing would make me happier than it to work out perfectly, I really hope it does. I don't think there is any advice to be had here! You don't really want it.
Caveat Emptor.
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As an alcoholic, I tell you quite frankly that moderation will not work long term for a true alcoholic.
I suppose there is always an exception, but they are few and far between.
It seems like you want us to tell you it will work, and we are pretty much all saying the red flags are flying.
Still, it's your life and your choice and I certainly wish you both the best.
I suppose there is always an exception, but they are few and far between.
It seems like you want us to tell you it will work, and we are pretty much all saying the red flags are flying.
Still, it's your life and your choice and I certainly wish you both the best.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
You know March you have 4 pages of responses and of every idea, advice, etc. you don't agree with advice. In fact you go to great length to express how you have it all under control, or how your ideas are fine, are working, etc. for your terminally unique A.
You are doing everything incontrovertibly wrong from becoming involved with an alcoholic whom is drinking (moderate or not), not laying down boundaries, stating that you will support her IF she "relapses" with no time frame for how long you will support, or if and when you will leave, not protecting yourself from another divorce (sorry don't care if things were pleasant last time no guarantees this time, and they are all costly under the best of circumstances).
Dude, nothing would make me happier than it to work out perfectly, I really hope it does. I don't think there is any advice to be had here! You don't really want it.
Caveat Emptor.
You are doing everything incontrovertibly wrong from becoming involved with an alcoholic whom is drinking (moderate or not), not laying down boundaries, stating that you will support her IF she "relapses" with no time frame for how long you will support, or if and when you will leave, not protecting yourself from another divorce (sorry don't care if things were pleasant last time no guarantees this time, and they are all costly under the best of circumstances).
Dude, nothing would make me happier than it to work out perfectly, I really hope it does. I don't think there is any advice to be had here! You don't really want it.
Caveat Emptor.
I hope I didn't mislead you... never said I had it under control (or I wouldn't be here). I never mentioned I'd remarry her.... for now. So no future divorce. The only costly thing, is packing my bags and living by myself. And yes, dude, I want it to work, too.
Ok, what would your suggest.... ?
I've left nothing out and said it like it is. I KNOW there are risks and because I care, I'm willing to accept them. Maybe or maybe not armed any better, we'll see.
But if you were in MY shoes, what would your do? Considering....
1. I really want this to work and she is certainly worth some effort.
2. She is also worth some risk.
3. I can always bail, if things really get ugly... no divorce, no issues.
4. I also have some issues that she realized that I have, and need to solve, too.
5. Right now, it looks like she wants this as much or more than I do. She never wanted the divorce, but respected my decision and it went ok (as divorces go).
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
March - Speaking from a place of honesty I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I can only speak from my own experience - My husband is the only addict I have ever been with. He was sober 10 years when we met. He relapsed a year later. I think it went on for several months I knew of it the last two. It was the first time in my life I ever felt trapped, and the first time I had no clue what to do. Helpless and me don't do well together.
I did find my way here and attended Al Anon. He got sober again. He was also diagnosed with BiPolar 2. That was almost 4 years ago I think - It was a horrific first year dealing with all that. He is medicated well, and its very under control. So - Its been a lot of work. We have made so much progress, and I love him to death. Best friends. He has been a great partner in many, many ways. My RAH has issues, and I don't think that is unusual for alcoholics (having nothing to do with BP). Beneath the surface are things that go really deep. They don't raise their head too much - they are there. He could relapse again that's always a possibility. I don't worry about that too much if at all. If it happens we are done (and he knows this). I love him deeply he is a good man.
If I had reason enough to split I promise you I would never be back. Certainly it would have to be something bad, relapse, cheating etc. Have never been one much on returning to relationships that had good reason for ending.
For me and alcoholics recovering or otherwise this one is it. Perhaps someone else should chime in who has been in the same situation.
My advice stands - make your boundaries clear. Since I would never date an addict again its hypothetical - I would never, EVER, EVER return to this relationship unless she agreed to quit drinking.
I can only speak from my own experience - My husband is the only addict I have ever been with. He was sober 10 years when we met. He relapsed a year later. I think it went on for several months I knew of it the last two. It was the first time in my life I ever felt trapped, and the first time I had no clue what to do. Helpless and me don't do well together.
I did find my way here and attended Al Anon. He got sober again. He was also diagnosed with BiPolar 2. That was almost 4 years ago I think - It was a horrific first year dealing with all that. He is medicated well, and its very under control. So - Its been a lot of work. We have made so much progress, and I love him to death. Best friends. He has been a great partner in many, many ways. My RAH has issues, and I don't think that is unusual for alcoholics (having nothing to do with BP). Beneath the surface are things that go really deep. They don't raise their head too much - they are there. He could relapse again that's always a possibility. I don't worry about that too much if at all. If it happens we are done (and he knows this). I love him deeply he is a good man.
If I had reason enough to split I promise you I would never be back. Certainly it would have to be something bad, relapse, cheating etc. Have never been one much on returning to relationships that had good reason for ending.
For me and alcoholics recovering or otherwise this one is it. Perhaps someone else should chime in who has been in the same situation.
My advice stands - make your boundaries clear. Since I would never date an addict again its hypothetical - I would never, EVER, EVER return to this relationship unless she agreed to quit drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by redatlanta
March - Speaking from a place of honesty I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I can only speak from my own experience - My husband is the only addict I have ever been with. He was sober 10 years when we met. He relapsed a year later. I think it went on for several months I knew of it the last two. It was the first time in my life I ever felt trapped, and the first time I had no clue what to do. Helpless and me don't do well together.
I did find my way here and attended Al Anon. He got sober again. He was also diagnosed with BiPolar 2. That was almost 4 years ago I think - It was a horrific first year dealing with all that. He is medicated well, and its very under control. So - Its been a lot of work. We have made so much progress, and I love him to death. Best friends. He has been a great partner in many, many ways. My RAH has issues, and I don't think that is unusual for alcoholics (having nothing to do with BP). Beneath the surface are things that go really deep. They don't raise their head too much - they are there. He could relapse again that's always a possibility. I don't worry about that too much if at all. If it happens we are done (and he knows this). I love him deeply he is a good man.
If I had reason enough to split I promise you I would never be back. Certainly it would have to be something bad, relapse, cheating etc. Have never been one much on returning to relationships that had good reason for ending.
For me and alcoholics recovering or otherwise this one is it. Perhaps someone else should chime in who has been in the same situation.
My advice stands - make your boundaries clear. Since I would never date an addict again its hypothetical - I would never, EVER, EVER return to this relationship unless she agreed to quit drinking.
I can only speak from my own experience - My husband is the only addict I have ever been with. He was sober 10 years when we met. He relapsed a year later. I think it went on for several months I knew of it the last two. It was the first time in my life I ever felt trapped, and the first time I had no clue what to do. Helpless and me don't do well together.
I did find my way here and attended Al Anon. He got sober again. He was also diagnosed with BiPolar 2. That was almost 4 years ago I think - It was a horrific first year dealing with all that. He is medicated well, and its very under control. So - Its been a lot of work. We have made so much progress, and I love him to death. Best friends. He has been a great partner in many, many ways. My RAH has issues, and I don't think that is unusual for alcoholics (having nothing to do with BP). Beneath the surface are things that go really deep. They don't raise their head too much - they are there. He could relapse again that's always a possibility. I don't worry about that too much if at all. If it happens we are done (and he knows this). I love him deeply he is a good man.
If I had reason enough to split I promise you I would never be back. Certainly it would have to be something bad, relapse, cheating etc. Have never been one much on returning to relationships that had good reason for ending.
For me and alcoholics recovering or otherwise this one is it. Perhaps someone else should chime in who has been in the same situation.
My advice stands - make your boundaries clear. Since I would never date an addict again its hypothetical - I would never, EVER, EVER return to this relationship unless she agreed to quit drinking.
Understand you're still with your husband, and what makes you stay?
You make a good point about never returning. And, I could make that same argument. However, I choose not to do that and returned. Mistake? Only time will tell. She does have some great qualities, and that's what I miss.
Right now, I'm betting on her. Sure, it's a crap shoot, but TODAY, life is good. Sure we have problems, but minor. When people have known each other for 48 years, and mostly get along great, it's just impossible to forget that and not want some of that back.
Time will tell, but I appreciate your input. Thanks.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Originally Posted by March1234
But if you were in MY shoes, what would your do? Considering....
1. I really want this to work and she is certainly worth some effort.
2. She is also worth some risk.
3. I can always bail, if things really get ugly... no divorce, no issues.
4. I also have some issues that she realized that I have, and need to solve, too.
5. Right now, it looks like she wants this as much or more than I do. She never wanted the divorce, but respected my decision and it went ok (as divorces go).
1. I really want this to work and she is certainly worth some effort.
2. She is also worth some risk.
3. I can always bail, if things really get ugly... no divorce, no issues.
4. I also have some issues that she realized that I have, and need to solve, too.
5. Right now, it looks like she wants this as much or more than I do. She never wanted the divorce, but respected my decision and it went ok (as divorces go).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Sorry might not be clear I thought it was - things are good. Have been for a long time. Progressively get better.
For me its just not a risk I would take again my friend. Next time might not be so lucky.
For me its just not a risk I would take again my friend. Next time might not be so lucky
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