New with recovery question
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I dont feel my comment about moderation was irresponsible.
Millions of people moderate their drinking, and those people still have concerned family and friends.
This forum is a general friends and family, and it doesnt advocate any one methodology we should follow.
I also have done a lot of research on this topic because of my husband. He had a drug addiction and while he abstains from cocaine, he has chosen to continue drinking alcohol in moderation and with the support of his Addiction Doctor. Its been almost two years now and hasnt caused a drug relapse or a turn to alcoholism.
I am however concerned about it and can relate to what the OP is sharing. I respect my husbands choice, and Im actually happy for him if he can drink socially, and in moderation. But because I love him, it does make me afraid at times. Like the OP I too want to support my husband. Im not into controlling him because as you can see Ive accepted his decision. Any other conflict or fear is within me and mine to own.
Ive had people tell me he isnt sober, or in real recovery. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. My husband is leading a healthy life and is happy, and we have a good relationship - this is whats important to me.
Millions of people moderate their drinking, and those people still have concerned family and friends.
This forum is a general friends and family, and it doesnt advocate any one methodology we should follow.
I also have done a lot of research on this topic because of my husband. He had a drug addiction and while he abstains from cocaine, he has chosen to continue drinking alcohol in moderation and with the support of his Addiction Doctor. Its been almost two years now and hasnt caused a drug relapse or a turn to alcoholism.
I am however concerned about it and can relate to what the OP is sharing. I respect my husbands choice, and Im actually happy for him if he can drink socially, and in moderation. But because I love him, it does make me afraid at times. Like the OP I too want to support my husband. Im not into controlling him because as you can see Ive accepted his decision. Any other conflict or fear is within me and mine to own.
Ive had people tell me he isnt sober, or in real recovery. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. My husband is leading a healthy life and is happy, and we have a good relationship - this is whats important to me.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Millions of people moderate their drinking, and those people still have concerned family and friends.
Millions of alcoholics? Please forward your research on this. When my husband relapsed he quoted that there was "tons" of information supporting that alcoholics can moderate. I could not find it. I did find information on moderation and am aware there are advocates that alcoholics can moderate. That's not what I am wanting to see. I would like to see the statistical studies that support claims of millions being able to do it.
Moderation is only as good for however long it lasts. Until the end of your husbands life (which is a really long time away I hope!) no one will know the answer to this question.
I would agree that there has to be some alcoholics who manage to moderate forever. Nothing is ever that black and white. Which one will it be? That's what I think is at issue here - not whether it can be done, but what the statistics are as to how many accomplish it. As there is no way to predict who can or can't the logical answer is to abstain and not risk it. By your own comments you do worry.
But to be truthful I also worry that my husband could relapse. Its not a daily, weekly or monthly worry its just something that goes through my mind here and there. He has proven now that moderation is not possible for him. This is the choice I have made to be with him. I have an exit strategy should it happen.
Bottom line is if it is working for you or for the OP then that's what matters. I do think it best to stay legally protected.
Millions of alcoholics? Please forward your research on this. When my husband relapsed he quoted that there was "tons" of information supporting that alcoholics can moderate. I could not find it. I did find information on moderation and am aware there are advocates that alcoholics can moderate. That's not what I am wanting to see. I would like to see the statistical studies that support claims of millions being able to do it.
Moderation is only as good for however long it lasts. Until the end of your husbands life (which is a really long time away I hope!) no one will know the answer to this question.
I would agree that there has to be some alcoholics who manage to moderate forever. Nothing is ever that black and white. Which one will it be? That's what I think is at issue here - not whether it can be done, but what the statistics are as to how many accomplish it. As there is no way to predict who can or can't the logical answer is to abstain and not risk it. By your own comments you do worry.
But to be truthful I also worry that my husband could relapse. Its not a daily, weekly or monthly worry its just something that goes through my mind here and there. He has proven now that moderation is not possible for him. This is the choice I have made to be with him. I have an exit strategy should it happen.
Bottom line is if it is working for you or for the OP then that's what matters. I do think it best to stay legally protected.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I was a member of "Moderation Management" for four and a half years, "working on" moderating my drinking. It's an online listserv, and during the time I was there (I was very active and even had an "official" position at one point) I encountered maybe three people who were able to "successfully" moderate over the long term. Everyone else cycled through brief periods where they were able to control their drinking followed by bouts of uncontrolled drinking.
During my "moderation" experiment I counted drinks on a daily basis. I convinced myself I was "making progress" but in the end I was worse than I was to begin with because alcoholism is a progressive disease that doesn't care what kind of good intentions you have.
I stay in touch with people I met there, and most of them are continuing the same up/down struggle with alcohol, while others have decided to give up the struggle and quit drinking--some are in AA, some are in SMART or Women for Sobriety, and some are doing it their own way, like some of the sober alcoholics here on SR.
I've been around alcoholism and recovery for 35 years (since my first husband got sober) and for someone who has crossed the line into alcoholism (where the "problem drinking" isn't temporary and situational but rather chronic and life-affecting), moderation does not appear to be a viable solution over the long term.
During my "moderation" experiment I counted drinks on a daily basis. I convinced myself I was "making progress" but in the end I was worse than I was to begin with because alcoholism is a progressive disease that doesn't care what kind of good intentions you have.
I stay in touch with people I met there, and most of them are continuing the same up/down struggle with alcohol, while others have decided to give up the struggle and quit drinking--some are in AA, some are in SMART or Women for Sobriety, and some are doing it their own way, like some of the sober alcoholics here on SR.
I've been around alcoholism and recovery for 35 years (since my first husband got sober) and for someone who has crossed the line into alcoholism (where the "problem drinking" isn't temporary and situational but rather chronic and life-affecting), moderation does not appear to be a viable solution over the long term.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by BlueChair 
I dont feel my comment about moderation was irresponsible.
Millions of people moderate their drinking, and those people still have concerned family and friends.
This forum is a general friends and family, and it doesnt advocate any one methodology we should follow.
I also have done a lot of research on this topic because of my husband. He had a drug addiction and while he abstains from cocaine, he has chosen to continue drinking alcohol in moderation and with the support of his Addiction Doctor. Its been almost two years now and hasnt caused a drug relapse or a turn to alcoholism.
I am however concerned about it and can relate to what the OP is sharing. I respect my husbands choice, and Im actually happy for him if he can drink socially, and in moderation. But because I love him, it does make me afraid at times. Like the OP I too want to support my husband. Im not into controlling him because as you can see Ive accepted his decision. Any other conflict or fear is within me and mine to own.
Ive had people tell me he isnt sober, or in real recovery. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. My husband is leading a healthy life and is happy, and we have a good relationship - this is whats important to me.
Millions of people moderate their drinking, and those people still have concerned family and friends.
This forum is a general friends and family, and it doesnt advocate any one methodology we should follow.
I also have done a lot of research on this topic because of my husband. He had a drug addiction and while he abstains from cocaine, he has chosen to continue drinking alcohol in moderation and with the support of his Addiction Doctor. Its been almost two years now and hasnt caused a drug relapse or a turn to alcoholism.
I am however concerned about it and can relate to what the OP is sharing. I respect my husbands choice, and Im actually happy for him if he can drink socially, and in moderation. But because I love him, it does make me afraid at times. Like the OP I too want to support my husband. Im not into controlling him because as you can see Ive accepted his decision. Any other conflict or fear is within me and mine to own.
Ive had people tell me he isnt sober, or in real recovery. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. My husband is leading a healthy life and is happy, and we have a good relationship - this is whats important to me.
Can YOU successfully drink in moderation?
Yes 44 9.40%
No 424 90.60%
The poll of alcoholics on this site says that more than 90% feel they cannot drink in moderation. Telling people that moderation is a possible choice for most people is irresponsible and misleading. If we're just dealing with anecdotes, I'll take the experiences of 400 alcoholics on this site over your opinion that your husband was a drug addict and can now drink in moderation. I'll stand by my belief that telling people most alcoholics can moderate is irresponsible and factually incorrect.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by totallytrying
From this site:
Can YOU successfully drink in moderation?
Yes 44 9.40%
No 424 90.60%
The poll of alcoholics on this site says that more than 90% feel they cannot drink in moderation. Telling people that moderation is a possible choice for most people is irresponsible and misleading. If we're just dealing with anecdotes, I'll take the experiences of 400 alcoholics on this site over your opinion that your husband was a drug addict and can now drink in moderation. I'll stand by my belief that telling people most alcoholics can moderate is irresponsible and factually incorrect.
Can YOU successfully drink in moderation?
Yes 44 9.40%
No 424 90.60%
The poll of alcoholics on this site says that more than 90% feel they cannot drink in moderation. Telling people that moderation is a possible choice for most people is irresponsible and misleading. If we're just dealing with anecdotes, I'll take the experiences of 400 alcoholics on this site over your opinion that your husband was a drug addict and can now drink in moderation. I'll stand by my belief that telling people most alcoholics can moderate is irresponsible and factually incorrect.
If I had my choice, the drinking would stop totally. So, I'm working on the next best thing... only one at a time. I guess I have hopes of her being in that 9.4%. She IS very strong with will power and goal oriented.
So right now, I'm leaning on getting info to make her one of the 9.4%. I do know a lot of folks that are in that group, and it's working well... one for well over 20 years.
Another thought, folks say that alcohol is alcohol, but how much difference (if any) does the kind of drink play in the addiction? Beer, wine, hard drinks, etc?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by March1234
Another thought, folks say that alcohol is alcohol, but how much difference (if any) does the kind of drink play in the addiction? Beer, wine, hard drinks, etc?
Switching from hard liquor to wine or beer is something my ex-boyfriend used to do to tell himself he was "cutting back" and therefore "addressing his drinking problem." But in reality he just had to drink more to experience the desired effect of numbing his emotions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
It doesn't. Alcohol is alcohol. If you are dealing with someone addicted to alcohol, then the kind of alcohol they drink is not going to make any fundamental difference in the progression of alcoholism.
Switching from hard liquor to wine or beer is something my ex-boyfriend used to do to tell himself he was "cutting back" and therefore "addressing his drinking problem." But in reality he just had to drink more to experience the desired effect of numbing his emotions.
Switching from hard liquor to wine or beer is something my ex-boyfriend used to do to tell himself he was "cutting back" and therefore "addressing his drinking problem." But in reality he just had to drink more to experience the desired effect of numbing his emotions.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Switching DOC is a common trait in addiction to manage and control (seldom if ever does).
March1234 if you read much about moderation the common deduction amongst most, but not all, is that those whom successfully moderate were not Alcoholics to begin with. Problem drinkers can mimic alcoholics in behaviors and drinking capabilities and habits, even going so far as to label themselves "alcoholic".
For my own self during my 30's while I was not an everyday drinker (not a qualification to be alcoholic to drink every day), I hit it pretty hard 3 - 4 nights a week. This had tapered off, though not completely,in my early 40's. I definitely had some characteristics applicable to alcoholism such as 1) drinking to excess 2) dangerous behaviors (drinking and driving, hooking up with people I didn't know) 3) behaviors that embarrassed me/regretted the next day 4) behaviors that affected my work (hangovers) 5) sometimes putting the booze above other more important things ( for me it was usually spending way too much money while drinking) etc. the list could go on. I did get a DUI in '97.
Ok so when my husband and I were preparing for a move in together his caveat was "no drinking". Not complete abstinence, but in summation nights with co-workers getting tanked would be no more. He made it clear he did not enjoy being around drunk people AT ALL i.e. ME (which he had never been he lived out of state). If I wanted to have a drink here and there then fine whatever. I was queried deeply about my drinking habits - one thing I did not do was drink at home from the get go. Looks like rules but these were laid out as boundaries.
For me I was able to agree immediately. I said goodbye to that lifestyle, never regretted it. It Wasn't hard, and I never missed the alcohol, I did miss the camaraderie with my friends after work. It was a little difficult to find new "after school" activities so to speak because my group were partiers.
I will drink occasionally maybe a sum total of 5 - 10 drinks a year. Am I successful moderator alcoholic? Nope. Not an alcoholic at all. Just someone who changed their drinking habits.
Perhaps you should put some thought into approaching your lady with quitting. You can lay boundaries for what works for you and given your history you have much reason to do so.
I am not trying to say your ex is not alcoholic - I would say she most
definitely is. Her ability to moderate I have no explanation. I would only say no one can answer if or when it will end, or why she never gets drunk on wine. Proceed with caution.
March1234 if you read much about moderation the common deduction amongst most, but not all, is that those whom successfully moderate were not Alcoholics to begin with. Problem drinkers can mimic alcoholics in behaviors and drinking capabilities and habits, even going so far as to label themselves "alcoholic".
For my own self during my 30's while I was not an everyday drinker (not a qualification to be alcoholic to drink every day), I hit it pretty hard 3 - 4 nights a week. This had tapered off, though not completely,in my early 40's. I definitely had some characteristics applicable to alcoholism such as 1) drinking to excess 2) dangerous behaviors (drinking and driving, hooking up with people I didn't know) 3) behaviors that embarrassed me/regretted the next day 4) behaviors that affected my work (hangovers) 5) sometimes putting the booze above other more important things ( for me it was usually spending way too much money while drinking) etc. the list could go on. I did get a DUI in '97.
Ok so when my husband and I were preparing for a move in together his caveat was "no drinking". Not complete abstinence, but in summation nights with co-workers getting tanked would be no more. He made it clear he did not enjoy being around drunk people AT ALL i.e. ME (which he had never been he lived out of state). If I wanted to have a drink here and there then fine whatever. I was queried deeply about my drinking habits - one thing I did not do was drink at home from the get go. Looks like rules but these were laid out as boundaries.
For me I was able to agree immediately. I said goodbye to that lifestyle, never regretted it. It Wasn't hard, and I never missed the alcohol, I did miss the camaraderie with my friends after work. It was a little difficult to find new "after school" activities so to speak because my group were partiers.
I will drink occasionally maybe a sum total of 5 - 10 drinks a year. Am I successful moderator alcoholic? Nope. Not an alcoholic at all. Just someone who changed their drinking habits.
Perhaps you should put some thought into approaching your lady with quitting. You can lay boundaries for what works for you and given your history you have much reason to do so.
I am not trying to say your ex is not alcoholic - I would say she most
definitely is. Her ability to moderate I have no explanation. I would only say no one can answer if or when it will end, or why she never gets drunk on wine. Proceed with caution.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by redatlanta
Switching DOC is a common trait in addiction to manage and control (seldom if ever does).
March1234 if you read much about moderation the common deduction amongst most, but not all, is that those whom successfully moderate were not Alcoholics to begin with. Problem drinkers can mimic alcoholics in behaviors and drinking capabilities and habits, even going so far as to label themselves "alcoholic".
For my own self during my 30's while I was not an everyday drinker (not a qualification to be alcoholic to drink every day), I hit it pretty hard 3 - 4 nights a week. This had tapered off, though not completely,in my early 40's. I definitely had some characteristics applicable to alcoholism such as 1) drinking to excess 2) dangerous behaviors (drinking and driving, hooking up with people I didn't know) 3) behaviors that embarrassed me/regretted the next day 4) behaviors that affected my work (hangovers) 5) sometimes putting the booze above other more important things ( for me it was usually spending way too much money while drinking) etc. the list could go on. I did get a DUI in '97.
Ok so when my husband and I were preparing for a move in together his caveat was "no drinking". Not complete abstinence, but in summation nights with co-workers getting tanked would be no more. He made it clear he did not enjoy being around drunk people AT ALL i.e. ME (which he had never been he lived out of state). If I wanted to have a drink here and there then fine whatever. I was queried deeply about my drinking habits - one thing I did not do was drink at home from the get go. Looks like rules but these were laid out as boundaries.
For me I was able to agree immediately. I said goodbye to that lifestyle, never regretted it. It Wasn't hard, and I never missed the alcohol, I did miss the camaraderie with my friends after work. It was a little difficult to find new "after school" activities so to speak because my group were partiers.
I will drink occasionally maybe a sum total of 5 - 10 drinks a year. Am I successful moderator alcoholic? Nope. Not an alcoholic at all. Just someone who changed their drinking habits.
Perhaps you should put some thought into approaching your lady with quitting. You can lay boundaries for what works for you and given your history you have much reason to do so.
I am not trying to say your ex is not alcoholic - I would say she most
definitely is. Her ability to moderate I have no explanation. I would only say no one can answer if or when it will end, or why she never gets drunk on wine. Proceed with caution.
March1234 if you read much about moderation the common deduction amongst most, but not all, is that those whom successfully moderate were not Alcoholics to begin with. Problem drinkers can mimic alcoholics in behaviors and drinking capabilities and habits, even going so far as to label themselves "alcoholic".
For my own self during my 30's while I was not an everyday drinker (not a qualification to be alcoholic to drink every day), I hit it pretty hard 3 - 4 nights a week. This had tapered off, though not completely,in my early 40's. I definitely had some characteristics applicable to alcoholism such as 1) drinking to excess 2) dangerous behaviors (drinking and driving, hooking up with people I didn't know) 3) behaviors that embarrassed me/regretted the next day 4) behaviors that affected my work (hangovers) 5) sometimes putting the booze above other more important things ( for me it was usually spending way too much money while drinking) etc. the list could go on. I did get a DUI in '97.
Ok so when my husband and I were preparing for a move in together his caveat was "no drinking". Not complete abstinence, but in summation nights with co-workers getting tanked would be no more. He made it clear he did not enjoy being around drunk people AT ALL i.e. ME (which he had never been he lived out of state). If I wanted to have a drink here and there then fine whatever. I was queried deeply about my drinking habits - one thing I did not do was drink at home from the get go. Looks like rules but these were laid out as boundaries.
For me I was able to agree immediately. I said goodbye to that lifestyle, never regretted it. It Wasn't hard, and I never missed the alcohol, I did miss the camaraderie with my friends after work. It was a little difficult to find new "after school" activities so to speak because my group were partiers.
I will drink occasionally maybe a sum total of 5 - 10 drinks a year. Am I successful moderator alcoholic? Nope. Not an alcoholic at all. Just someone who changed their drinking habits.
Perhaps you should put some thought into approaching your lady with quitting. You can lay boundaries for what works for you and given your history you have much reason to do so.
I am not trying to say your ex is not alcoholic - I would say she most
definitely is. Her ability to moderate I have no explanation. I would only say no one can answer if or when it will end, or why she never gets drunk on wine. Proceed with caution.
Thanks much. Question, what's a DOC (hate acronyms)... drink of choice?
Need to ask your definition of an alcoholic... from what you say about your history, my ex wasn't that bad....
She did drink too much at times, but could easily just not have a drink for as long as two weeks. Probably half of her time she drank. She also didn't getting into trouble... no "bad" friends, horrible behavior, and didn't spend too much on booze. But there were a few embarrassing times, mostly at home with friends and family, where she drank. Rarely outside of the house.
We could take off on a 5 or 6 day trip and she wouldn't have a drop, and it would be great.... then the next time, I had a hard time getting her sober to just get her out the door.
Neither one of us hung around drunks... nor the bar scene. We did patronize one place where alcohol was served (club) but had other activities and one didn't have to drink, but I eventually quit taking her there for fear of her drinking.
Thanks for the "caution"... that's certainly good advice.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by March1234
And that statistic scares the hell out of me. Not sure how to deal with that regarding my SO occasional drinks. I am scare to death that she will have a relapse and start things all over again. While I really want to be supportive and help her, a total relapse will be hard to deal with, no matter what.
If I had my choice, the drinking would stop totally. So, I'm working on the next best thing... only one at a time. I guess I have hopes of her being in that 9.4%. She IS very strong with will power and goal oriented.
So right now, I'm leaning on getting info to make her one of the 9.4%. I do know a lot of folks that are in that group, and it's working well... one for well over 20 years.
Another thought, folks say that alcohol is alcohol, but how much difference (if any) does the kind of drink play in the addiction? Beer, wine, hard drinks, etc?
If I had my choice, the drinking would stop totally. So, I'm working on the next best thing... only one at a time. I guess I have hopes of her being in that 9.4%. She IS very strong with will power and goal oriented.
So right now, I'm leaning on getting info to make her one of the 9.4%. I do know a lot of folks that are in that group, and it's working well... one for well over 20 years.
Another thought, folks say that alcohol is alcohol, but how much difference (if any) does the kind of drink play in the addiction? Beer, wine, hard drinks, etc?
Does your loved one ever share her feelings about drinking? curious because my husband has told me in the beginning he needed to see if he could manage it ok. I believe in the stages of change model and so I initially felt this was something he needed to do. He worked with his addiction doc and has said he wont drink as a coping mechanism, to numb emotions. Ive seen some things in discussions on harm reduction where people will find themselves monitoring their drinks and emotions so closely, it becomes a burden and they decide to stop. I think its part of the stages of change? Ive asked my husband if he struggles and he's said no. I know for true alcoholism drinking is more a compulsion and I think they would not be satisfied moderating and become angry or frustrated is one sign to watch for. We've talked about it in our family therapy and the doctor has asked if I see problems. I feel like its a good sign if there is open communication. My husband knew/knows I have concerns and he is sensitive to it, so he will answer my questions openly if I ask.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Bluechair,
Your husband is a coke addict. Not an alcoholic. You keep posting about moderating alcohol. Can he moderate his coke use? What would you do if someone told him to try moderating his cocaine?
OP,
Alcoholics have a craving for alcohol and once they start drinking have a hard time stopping. No one can really diagnose anyone else as an alcoholic although in some cases it's pretty obvious. Some people keep it hidden well so outward appearances can be deceiving.
Your husband is a coke addict. Not an alcoholic. You keep posting about moderating alcohol. Can he moderate his coke use? What would you do if someone told him to try moderating his cocaine?
OP,
Alcoholics have a craving for alcohol and once they start drinking have a hard time stopping. No one can really diagnose anyone else as an alcoholic although in some cases it's pretty obvious. Some people keep it hidden well so outward appearances can be deceiving.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by March1234
Question, what's a DOC (hate acronyms)... drink of choice?
Here's a link to the thread with the acronyms: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-acronyms.html
I had the same question as sg1970, Blue. I wonder where you stand on moderating when it comes to cocaine. I can understand how your husband can moderate alcohol - he's NOT an alcoholic. That's what the rest of us call normal drinking, no? That's not really moderating an addiction, IMO.
March - I've learned that an important piece of the addiction puzzle is what the person's Mental State is regarding their DOC. My experience in my 20's/30's was almost exactly like Red's example of behaviors - lots of drinking, lots of excess, lots of regrettable moments. (no dui, thankfully) But when it comes to alcohol I have no attachment so when it came time to slow down/quit I just did, like flipping a switch. I don't think about it at all. It didn't change the way I acted, socialized, communicated. It was an addition to good times for me, not a crutch that I leaned on to help me maneuver emotions or to create self confidence for social situations. Taking it out of the mix doesn't change my experience at all for the most part.
By comparison, RAH has a constant mental game of stopping his brain from wanting to drink. He has much more mind chatter & emotional dependency on alcohol. It was horrid in early recovery - sometimes all he could manage was focusing on NOT drinking - & while it's gotten better for him over time there's still that pull for him that I don't feel no matter how long I go without alcohol.
I've learned that it isn't about volume, frequency or type of alcohol imbibed..... it's about how the person FEELS about it that matters, how much they are dependent on it to feel like a whole person.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by sg1970
Bluechair,
Your husband is a coke addict. Not an alcoholic. You keep posting about moderating alcohol. Can he moderate his coke use? What would you do if someone told him to try moderating his cocaine?
OP,
Alcoholics have a craving for alcohol and once they start drinking have a hard time stopping. No one can really diagnose anyone else as an alcoholic although in some cases it's pretty obvious. Some people keep it hidden well so outward appearances can be deceiving.
Your husband is a coke addict. Not an alcoholic. You keep posting about moderating alcohol. Can he moderate his coke use? What would you do if someone told him to try moderating his cocaine?
OP,
Alcoholics have a craving for alcohol and once they start drinking have a hard time stopping. No one can really diagnose anyone else as an alcoholic although in some cases it's pretty obvious. Some people keep it hidden well so outward appearances can be deceiving.
And Ive stated my husband doesnt use cocaine.
And Ive already said Im not speaking in regards to his loved one, but sharing on the topic of moderation and harm reduction, cross over addictions based on what Ive learned due to my own concerns in regards to my husband relapsing or getting a cross over addiction.
I think I have a right to be concerned because many people will tell you cocaine and alcohol addictions often go hand in hand.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
March,
Search for threads from people that relapsed and have come back. There are plenty of them and a common theme is they thought they could handle it.
My opinion is still that if she really wants to have this relationship she can give up the occasional glass of wine. If she is not an alkie that shouldn't be a problem. What is so special about having an occasional glass of wine that would make someone insist on being able to have it? Nothing..
Search for threads from people that relapsed and have come back. There are plenty of them and a common theme is they thought they could handle it.
My opinion is still that if she really wants to have this relationship she can give up the occasional glass of wine. If she is not an alkie that shouldn't be a problem. What is so special about having an occasional glass of wine that would make someone insist on being able to have it? Nothing..
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by March1234
redatlanta,
Thanks much. Question, what's a DOC (hate acronyms)... drink of choice?
Need to ask your definition of an alcoholic... from what you say about your history, my ex wasn't that bad....
She did drink too much at times, but could easily just not have a drink for as long as two weeks. Probably half of her time she drank. She also didn't getting into trouble... no "bad" friends, horrible behavior, and didn't spend too much on booze. But there were a few embarrassing times, mostly at home with friends and family, where she drank. Rarely outside of the house.
We could take off on a 5 or 6 day trip and she wouldn't have a drop, and it would be great.... then the next time, I had a hard time getting her sober to just get her out the door.
Neither one of us hung around drunks... nor the bar scene. We did patronize one place where alcohol was served (club) but had other activities and one didn't have to drink, but I eventually quit taking her there for fear of her drinking.
Thanks for the "caution"... that's certainly good advice.
Thanks much. Question, what's a DOC (hate acronyms)... drink of choice?
Need to ask your definition of an alcoholic... from what you say about your history, my ex wasn't that bad....
She did drink too much at times, but could easily just not have a drink for as long as two weeks. Probably half of her time she drank. She also didn't getting into trouble... no "bad" friends, horrible behavior, and didn't spend too much on booze. But there were a few embarrassing times, mostly at home with friends and family, where she drank. Rarely outside of the house.
We could take off on a 5 or 6 day trip and she wouldn't have a drop, and it would be great.... then the next time, I had a hard time getting her sober to just get her out the door.
Neither one of us hung around drunks... nor the bar scene. We did patronize one place where alcohol was served (club) but had other activities and one didn't have to drink, but I eventually quit taking her there for fear of her drinking.
Thanks for the "caution"... that's certainly good advice.
-I did not have bad friends
- I did not get into trouble aside from DUI in '97 - really thats it.
- I did not spend too much money on BOOZE - I spend too much money at Gucci after a couple drinks.
I also never had a partner that complained about my drinking. I never have seen 25 specialists, nor I have spent 20 years trying to correct my drinking behavior. I fell in love with an RA and when he stated he could not live with someone who regularly drank I quit. End of story.
Now I would say as you describe your wife after my description that doesn't sound like a serious problem to me. She drank too much every once in a while? - no bad friends, no horrible behavior. Can you remind me why you spent 20 years trying to get her to quit, saw 25 specialists, and got divorced?
March my description of an alcoholic isn't important. Whether she wears the label isn't important. What is important as that something about her drinking resulted in divorce.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
This from your other thread:
"I'm not a fan of AA, or a lot of the larger organized methods. I feel the best success is getting her to accept the issues and risk (which she has so far)."
Has me thinkin there's a wee bit of a codependency problem, which the F&F forum is a great place to learn about it.
Some good reading material in the stickies.
"I'm not a fan of AA, or a lot of the larger organized methods. I feel the best success is getting her to accept the issues and risk (which she has so far)."
Has me thinkin there's a wee bit of a codependency problem, which the F&F forum is a great place to learn about it.
Some good reading material in the stickies.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by redatlanta
Ha well I love when people make comparisons and state "gosh you sound worse than my wife".
-I did not have bad friends
- I did not get into trouble aside from DUI in '97 - really thats it.
- I did not spend too much money on BOOZE - I spend too much money at Gucci after a couple drinks.
I also never had a partner that complained about my drinking. I never have seen 25 specialists, nor I have spent 20 years trying to correct my drinking behavior. I fell in love with an RA and when he stated he could not live with someone who regularly drank I quit. End of story.
Now I would say as you describe your wife after my description that doesn't sound like a serious problem to me. She drank too much every once in a while? - no bad friends, no horrible behavior. Can you remind me why you spent 20 years trying to get her to quit, saw 25 specialists, and got divorced?
March my description of an alcoholic isn't important. Whether she wears the label isn't important. What is important as that something about her drinking resulted in divorce.
-I did not have bad friends
- I did not get into trouble aside from DUI in '97 - really thats it.
- I did not spend too much money on BOOZE - I spend too much money at Gucci after a couple drinks.
I also never had a partner that complained about my drinking. I never have seen 25 specialists, nor I have spent 20 years trying to correct my drinking behavior. I fell in love with an RA and when he stated he could not live with someone who regularly drank I quit. End of story.
Now I would say as you describe your wife after my description that doesn't sound like a serious problem to me. She drank too much every once in a while? - no bad friends, no horrible behavior. Can you remind me why you spent 20 years trying to get her to quit, saw 25 specialists, and got divorced?
March my description of an alcoholic isn't important. Whether she wears the label isn't important. What is important as that something about her drinking resulted in divorce.
The reason I divorced her is that I couldn't depend on her for a loving relationship without alcohol interfering. She could be totally sober for a few days to several weeks, but if we had some serious plans with others, or a major trip planned, I never knew if it would happen because of the alcohol. Many times, I just left her at home and did the trip myself.... sometimes she joined me and sometimes I went solo. Not my choice of a loving relationship.... I wanted to be closer and more responsible to each other.
Don't get me wrong... we enjoyed MANY years of a great relationship... but I wasn't able to continue with all of the alcohol limitations. Sometimes we would plan a trip, and we were responsible to others for the trip... providing food, transportation or other stuff, and when she just wouldn't get out of bed to go.... I just hated it... and learned to just hate our relationship and just got to the point where I just didn't care, and quit going out with her at all. Yes, I believe she was an alcoholic (however you define it).
I've had horrible times getting good counselors (for either one of us)... and 95% of them are horrible. She had one she should have kept. And I have a winner now. I shouldn't have taken 20 years. I should have left her in the first 6 months and life would have been much better.
But, I'm back... hard to throw away the good times, and willing to work with her. When sober, as she has been, she is a wonderful, intelligent, popular lady. I miss those things and now we are doing them again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by tomsteve
This from your other thread:
"I'm not a fan of AA, or a lot of the larger organized methods. I feel the best success is getting her to accept the issues and risk (which she has so far)."
Has me thinkin there's a wee bit of a codependency problem, which the F&F forum is a great place to learn about it.
Some good reading material in the stickies.
"I'm not a fan of AA, or a lot of the larger organized methods. I feel the best success is getting her to accept the issues and risk (which she has so far)."
Has me thinkin there's a wee bit of a codependency problem, which the F&F forum is a great place to learn about it.
Some good reading material in the stickies.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by sg1970
March,
Search for threads from people that relapsed and have come back. There are plenty of them and a common theme is they thought they could handle it.
My opinion is still that if she really wants to have this relationship she can give up the occasional glass of wine. If she is not an alkie that shouldn't be a problem. What is so special about having an occasional glass of wine that would make someone insist on being able to have it? Nothing..
Search for threads from people that relapsed and have come back. There are plenty of them and a common theme is they thought they could handle it.
My opinion is still that if she really wants to have this relationship she can give up the occasional glass of wine. If she is not an alkie that shouldn't be a problem. What is so special about having an occasional glass of wine that would make someone insist on being able to have it? Nothing..
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