Robin777

No I do not. I'm just not interested in mind-altering substances...at all.

With love and respect,

Lilro

Robin
I say this with love & respect...
You need to step away from the computer and get yourself a job, any job.

Robin777

This is indeed a genuine thread and appeal for advice. I'm sorry if it comes across as trolling. That makes me very sad that it comes across this way.

I'm just very lost at the moment, and it is impossible to fully communicate my thoughts and feelings. This was my last resort to reach out to people who might understand my situation, and I truly appreciate everybody's kind thoughts on my situation. I really do!

With love and respect,

LexieCat

I think there are some issues you need to address that go far beyond your relationship with your "soulmate."

I think that seeing a mental health professional would be a very good first step. I'm not sure anyone on this forum is in a position to help you effectively.

It isn't that we don't care, or are trying to be dismissive of your pain, but first things first.

AnvilheadII

She really does make me feel good when she is sober! But then I fall out of love again when she drinks...it's a never-ending roller coaster.


hate to burst your bubble here but ^^^ that is NOT love. love doesn't come with an ON/OFF switch. nor is love all about how someone ELSE makes US feel. you seem to want to sidestep a lot of reality here....in your own words you AVOID reality and have shut yourself off from the outside world to a great degree. so you find this woman online and within FOUR MONTHS (120 days give or take) you are convinced you have found your SOULMATE.

my husband and i have been together 13 years. i do not nor would i ever claim to know EVERYTHING about him....it takes TIME to get to truly KNOW people and it is an ongoing process.

i must agree with others that you have issues far beyond what a forum such as ours can help you with. this person you have met is a 30 something unemployed alcoholic who lives with her mother and who OFTEN treats you very badly. that ain't love. and you either accept her as she is and take the abuse, or you accept her as she is and move on and save yourself a lot of pain.

FireSprite

Welcome to SR, Robin. Sorry you find a need to be here.

Hmmm..... I've been with my husband for 22 years & I absolutely do NOT know everything about him. We were child-free for 11 years, so we definitely had our share of alone, intimate time. Impossible (sorry) to absolutely, fully, without doubt, KNOW someone in 4 short months, especially an active addict. You know what she's told you/shown you.... not at all the same thing as KNOWING someone. Yours is a very romantic tale but by your own admission you are isolated & blind to outside influences. I'm not positive that you have the perspective/ability necessary to see this situation clearly.

What you are, my friend, is enmeshed. And it kind of sounds like your anxiety/social issues make you a prime person to become enmeshed. I think therapy for yourself is the first thing you need to worry about, honestly. The 2nd is educating yourself about addiction. Start with this page with the sticky threads "stuck" to the top. If you want to feel less "lost" in all of this, you've got to educate yourself on the Facts & not get caught up in all of the Emotions. I know that sounds cold, but there's nothing warm & fuzzy about addiction.

Lilmssunshine

I suggest you go to Al-Anon meetings. Ive been in love with an alcoholic for three years. I advise you to get out while you can. It's a roller coaster ride. I'm also an addict with bipolar diagnosis. She needs to be on meds for it to be able to have a functioning relationship. My love also has PTSD and I feel such compassion for him. But while he is drinking I keep the relationship as friends. I don't want him to affect my subriety. We live in different states now. And it hurts to be away from my lover but it hurts worse to have to deal with his alcohism every day. I know the deep pain. It hurts so much because I love him. But Alcohol is cunning, baffling, powerful. Addiction is stronger than love. I wish you healing.

Refiner

Robin, you're putting in an awful lot of stock in this soulmate of yours. The only reason you can't go ahead and make the break is guilt... the guilt trip she's layed on you how she is what she is because of what others have done TO her. That is a complete CROCK. I had an alcoholic, non-existant father. I was mentally AND sexually abused for YEARS as a child. You hear of all the mess-ups in life give all these excuses for why they are what they are. Well go get some friggin' help for your self, then. I agree with another poster, that as soon as she became an adult and on her own (I believe you said at 17), every single decision she made was hers. She didn't have self esteem? Go read some books on how to get it. She had abondonment issues? Go see a therapist and work it out. She's 35 and single for a reason. There are other fish out there within your "spiritual realm" that don't have all this ton of baggage. Believe me.

CarryThatWeight

Codependency is a word that comes to mind when I read your story. I would recommend you read up on it.

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic (23 years), I know this: nothing makes someone pick up a drink unless someone ties you down and pours it down your throat. She's an alcoholic and incapable of having any kind of healthy relationship. Leave or sink with her. Sorry to be so blunt but now is a time to get real ... this is your life, love and emotions.

fluffyflea

Alanon meetings.

A book called Co Dependent No More.

For you.

iGirl66

LS, I had the same "trolling" vibe too.

I am going to be very blunt here. More blunt than I have ever been within the no flaming rule. If this is trolling, please know that you are sick. Perhaps you are an addict resentful of your enablers or people you think have done you wrong. Work it out, but NOT HERE!

If this is not trolling, then you need help. Very serious help. All of this terminally unique "soulmate" of a deeply damaged, abusive , bi polar etc. etc. addict is dangerous. Even if she weren't a drunk, her on going psychological issues makes her dangerously unstable.

You will not find a single healthy soul here with a day's worth of ESH that will sign on that what you are going through is normal. Here's your best bet, run as far from her as possible, preferably in the direction of a professional counselor. Stop isolating. There are 7 billion and more people on this planet, you are not as unique as you have built yourself up to be. Your overwhelming feelings of empathy for people and the planet are a cover for severe co dependency. Read though my threads. It's not a term that I like or use lightly. It's so much easier to focus on the never ending problems of humanity and others than look at ourselves. Introspection is painful, but freeing. Choosing to continue in that pain is not caused by SO's, Politicians and global warming. Sick people can't help anyone. So if you're serious about helping her or anyone else. You have to get better first or you both will eventually destroy each other emotionally.

This is your first relationship, of course it's going to seem like your birthday, winning the lottery, being struck by lighting and seeing the face of God all during breakfast, but the love that she needs has to come from within herself. It can't come from you. In fact, if she is as bad as you say, your strongest love can't even penetrate the Great Wall of china that is her illnesses. As has been mentioned, as long as she is self medicating you don't know and can't know who she really is. SHE doesn't even know who she is.

Addicts make every excuse in the world to hold on to their DOC. She is yours. You are not noble or spiritual, you are addicted. You don't like the isolation as much as you think and she has given you the human connection that we all need. To lose her means being cast out into your own outer darkness again. No one of high self esteem tolerates what you've been putting up with and no healthy person inflicts the abuse that she is dishing out.

Sorry this seems harsh, but think of it not as harsh words, but the blaring siren of a fire truck. Brash, but signaling danger. This is a 4 month fire storm of dysfunction and denial that cannot end well for either of you. Please read all that you cN about addiction and co dependency. If you are soul mates, taking time to step away will not change that. Good luck!

53500

You do not owe anyone a relationship, with or without alcohol in the mix. If you can't accept her just as she is, drinking and all, you're better off letting her go. I'm sorry for your pain.

Bobcat17

I don't know man. You're still a really young guy (only 24). You have your whole life in front of you. I've dated women that had the same conditions and problems that you describe. These women never got any better and treated me worse as time went on. Maybe your situation will be different (but I doubt it).

I would take a break from her and work on improving your own life a day at a time.

GnikNus

I think you should take the advice of those who have posted and move on from this relationship. I think your perception is warped and affected by the newness of the relationship (four months is nothing, particularly if much of that time has been long distance) the fact that it's your first, and- sorry to be agist here- your young age. It probably seems like this relationship is of vast importance, but it's not in the grand scheme of things.
Get solid footing in your life before looking for a relationship to solve your problems. Also: she sounds like someone you don't want to be involved with.

healthyagain

I just cannot remain silent here: "alcoholic" and "soulmate" cannot be put in the same sentence. Why? You may see her as your soulmate, but alcohol is her only soulmate. Plain and simple. Took me 10 years to learn this, but finally got it.

redatlanta

(and you'd be surprised what is actually true. ) Spill the beans I'd like to know.

Non-offensive Robin you sound like my mother when she was diagnosed with Acute Paranoia. I know, I know..... there is nothing wrong with you.

Anywho......You have written every excuse in the book for your GF current situation and every excuse in the book for her past mistakes. No one can MAKE anyone have an abortion. Sorry guy, just too many excuses.

This will not be a pleasant life for you. Its a big, huge, red flag when relationships develop this way and folks use terms like "soulmate" and "we know everything about each other" in 4 months. I fear you are both a bit obsessed with each other, and since neither really has contact with the outside world much have found a friend. Its hard to go through life without them.

You don't owe her to stay with her. Life with an active alcoholic is miserable. If this is bothering you at 4 months at 4 years how do you think you will feel.

Move along.

JKSGRL

Robin777 - I too was in a long distance relationship with a 35 year old jobless alcoholic that lived with his parents. I truly believed he was my soul mate, I never thought it would be possible to be without him and I too believed all the problems lied within him, not me and his alcoholism was a direct effect of his upbringing and having a tough lot in life. Then I came here and starting reading peoples posts, I started educating myself on the disease and then I realized I might have some really deep seated issues that were causing me to be involved in this type of relationship so off to therapy I went followed by no contact with the A so that I could have some real clarity.

Guess what?! That soul mate that I couldn't live without, I most certainly can live without him, in fact I have a much better life without him in it. And the further away I am from the situation, the more I see it for what it really was and is. You didn’t not know her until 4 months ago, her sob story, is most likely just that, a STORY. I found out the majority of what my exA told me was a whole lot of BS, addicts tend to lie and exaggerate A LOT.They get so good at it that they themselves often forget what the reality it. Also they know exactly what to tell you so that you do feel like OMG, they HAVE to be my soul mate, I just know it. No my dear that’s called manipulation. Don’t fool yourself she has probably been dealing with this disease for years and years and has probably never had it together. And ok maybe she is telling the truth and had awful things happen in her life, guess what, we all do, she is a 35 year woman, no matter what has happened to her, she has to learn to suck it up and stop using it as an excuse for bad behavior.

It’s only been 4 months for you, 4 months into my relationship with the A I pretty much felt the same way you did. It was inconceivable to me to ever want to be with another person and I too had a million excuses why he was the way he was. 3 ½ years later I smack myself in the head for being so delusional and lacking self-respect and self-love.

Stop the fantasy NOW and it is a fantasy whether you want to believe that or not. I say this in kindness because I had the same feelings and was adamant it was not a fantasy. Please don’t fool yourself like I did and say you don’t not have issues that need dealing with.

Thomas45

This goes deeper than learning how to interact with the opposite sex. Her upbringing was such that the 'male role model' in her formative years was a man who was unavailable. This is what was imprinted on her subconscious mind as 'normal' in a relationship, and when it came time to look for partners, her subconscious guided her into being attracted to emotionally unavailable men who would be inclined to neglect her. That has nothing to do with sleeping with someone on the first date, and more to do with how she was wired from an early age. Whether she knew it or not, her brain was pushing her towards men who fit the mold of her father figure.

From what you've written, it sounds to me that your girlfriend has profoundly deep psychological issues that need proper professional treatment and support. The alcoholism is only a symptom, and treating the symptom won't make the underlying cause of the symptoms better. If you have a severe case of strep throat, for example, you don't take some over the counter cough syrup to ease the pain in your throat... you take antibiotics to destroy the bacteria which is causing the problem of the sore throat. The same goes for treating addiction - the addiction is almost always just a symptom of a greater problem which requires professional counseling, support from others who have been in similar situations and gotten better, and above all the desire to face one's own demons and accept responsibility for one's own life.

My own hard-earned wisdom with regard to happy and healthy relationships is that if you can not fully accept someone the way they are NOW, then you will save yourself a lot of self-inflicted pain and heartache by just moving on and finding someone who you can fully accept. You can't expect to change someone else. You can't control someone else's life choices. The only thing you can control is yourself.

That being said, here's some more Taoist wisdom that might help you with your relationship, conspiracy worries, and life in general:

53500

That is so true. I sort of forgot that aspect of it. My long-ago A was an incredibly creative liar, he spun these tales to anyone who'd listen and was very convincing. He told stories of his time in Viet Nam when he'd barely ever left Brooklyn lol. I knew a lot it was bs but I was young and "in love" and thought, no harm done.

Geez, I still cannot believe the crap I went through for what I thought was love.