MsGrace

We are slugging through how to help a 9 year old boy who is suicidal from living with an alcoholic mother. This code of silence that seems to be a part of the alcoholic family disease is one of the most destructive parts, in my opinion. We are desperately looking for the right way to break this code of silence so this young man can begin to express his feelings.

I found this helpful:

2. The Family System
Parenting forms the child's core belief about themselves. Nothing is more important to the child than his family. When a child is born it is triangled into the system. The child becomes the focus of the relationship. The child is locked in and cannot leave the system. Our lives are shaped from the beginning by our parents. Our self image comes from our primary caregiver's eyes. How I see and feel about myself is what I see in my caregiver's eyes. If my parents are dysfunctional or dependent and as a result shame based they will feel inadequate and needy. In this state they cannot be there for me - they will need me to be there for them.
2.1. Rules and Roles of Dysfunctional Families
In addicted families there are rules. The rules are a response to having an actively dependent person in the family. The rules and the roles are an attempt to bring order to the chaos and instability.
Wayne Kritsberg in The Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome goes on to describe four rules:
i. Rule of Rigidity
o as alcoholism progresses the behaviour of the alcoholic becomes more unpredictable, the family continually adjusts to this behaviour
o in order to bring stability to the family, more and more rigid rules are imposed on the non-alcoholic members of the family
o as the family adapts to the alcoholic's unpredictable behaviour it becomes more and more rigid
This is most evident on the children in the family. In order to grow children need space to experiment with life. They need a safe place where they can change and grow. The alcoholic family does not provide the space to experiment with life.
ii. Rule of Silence
o family members cannot talk about what is happening in the family, they cannot talk to anyone outside the family and they cannot talk to anyone inside the family
o this no talk rule is so strong that children who grow up in this family system have difficulty expressing themselves for the rest of their lives.
o They will then teach it to their children.
The only way children can get free of the rule of silence is to talk about what happened to them and express their repressed feelings.
iii. Rule of Denial
o the family denies there is a problem with alcohol
o denial is the cornerstone, if they can continue to deny what is happening, then they will not have to change
o the children in this system are surrounded by denial, what they see, what they hear and what they feel in their hearts they are told is not true.
In the alcoholic family the denial of feelings is so prevalent that children never learn to honestly express emotions.
iv. Rule of Isolation
o the alcoholic family is a closed system - it tries to be self sufficient
o the members cling emotionally to each other but never become intimate or functional in their communication
o they cannot afford to have people outside the family know what is happening
o the alcoholic family myth of "we will be there for you when you need us" is just not true - it is incapable of supporting its members emotionally or spiritually when the children grow up, they continue to isolate from other people, their feelings of loneliness run very deep.
Children are bound by the rules of the alcoholic family. They use these rules as a way to live their lives. They really have little choice in the matter. This is how they learned to live and survive as children. To become healthy and to live full and happy lives adult children need to learn to live full and happy lives. They must begin to break the rules of the alcoholic family. This is not an easy or a quick process but it can be done.
Family Roles
In the alcoholic family the individual members adapt by taking on various roles. The roles reduce spontaneous behaviour. The alcoholic family is a chaotic system and the roles provide some stability. Each role serves a purpose to maintain the status quo.
The common Roles:
o the Hero: tries to make the family look good by achieving success in school or work
o the Scapegoat: diverts attention from the family by getting into trouble
o the Lost Child: hides out, tries not to make waves, draws attention by non-pressure
o the Clown: lessens tension in the family by being funny and cute
o the Placater: tries to reduce conflict in the family by smoothing things over
o the Enabler: prevents the alcoholic from experiencing the consequences of his or her alcoholic behavior

lillamy

It really is extremely harmful. And that's a good explanation of it!

ladyscribbler

Thanks for posting this. I still struggle with many of these issues even though I'm 20 years removed from my childhood in an alcoholic home, and from the age of 14 on I stopped visiting my father entirely. I saw him once after that, my freshman year of college.
I think the single most detrimental to me was the rule of silence. To this day I have huge issues with speaking my mind, asking for help, talking to anyone for more than a few minutes or speaking in a group of people- not even strangers, people I know.
Having to make a phone call to customer service or my supervisor at work or anyone for any reason puts me into a low-grade panic. After the conversation my face is flushed red and blotchy, my heart is pounding and my armpits are clammy, no matter how smooth and cordial the conversation was.
It's the reason I don't have an Al-Anon sponsor. I'm terrified to approach someone and ask them.
And I was the hero child- the grade grubbing little mouse who never made any waves because I was scared to talk.
One thing I'm doing right (I think) is breaking the cycle with my sons. Neither of my boys is afraid to speak his mind.

MsGrace

thank you Ladyscribbler....my heart goes out to you. I've found one of the hardest things as a family member is recognizing how alcoholic damage affects us...so we can indeed recover.

The code of silence is deadly to everyone in the family. The A has some magic power to keep everyone silently supporting this insidious disease. It's so hearbreaking to see what happens to the kids...

blessings to you...

Latte

That is exactly how I grew up and until a year and a half ago-that is the way my children grew up. I am so relieved to have the opportunity to make changes so that they don't end up raising their children that way.

I approach situations with my children today in an honest and open way. We are getting there slowly. I am also trying to do that with my family of origin. I am looking to break a cycle instead of beating myself up that it was like that.

I grew up with an alcoholic Father who got sober three years ago (I'm 41) and I am in recovery myself. Getting hit with it from all sides almost broke me.

Thank you so much for that.

iGirl66

God bless that sweet child!!!

This monster family unit protects itself from any truth or consequences. My ex's family cut me off and out the second he found a new girl in rehab and lied to me for months while I held on to his belongings. Then tried to sever my ties with my friend who is the ex's brother's girlfriend lest I know anything about the ex. They lie, cheat, enable and deny like no other group I've ever seen and shun anyone who won't play the game. Sick from the top to the bottom. This only reinforces my stand on never being involved with an addict again. This little one is in my prayers!

LemonGirl

I just read this info in a book at a book store the other day... can't remember the title, of course. Pretty scary info, and so true.

It reminds me of the fact that, while many of us grew up like this, and may have even made amends with our parents and feel we have all grown past the chaos of our childhood, the real work is in undoing the coping mechanisms we learned as children. Shutting down emotionally, for instance, was a way to keep the chaos at bay as a child, but as an adult, it makes it difficult to connect to others (not my own personal experience, just an example).

If you are working with children in this area, it will still be difficult to unlearn these types of learned behaviors. Probably the most important key to success here is to build trust. Which means repetitious experiences that can help the child come to rely on and trust the adults trying to help foster a new and positive behavior. And in addition, the timeline has to be on the child's terms, not the adults involved in the support. Not sure where he is at in child developmental terms (probably stunted, the poor dear), but at 9 he should be building his skills for self reliance... though most children under these circumstances have probably missed developmental milestones and instead have learned to mistrust rather than trust, have become dependent and suffer from shame and doubt rather than learning independence, feel guilty for their desire to learn and grow rather than learning how to take initiative, and have learned that he/she is incompetent instead of competent .

All you can do is try.... most children are resilient.

LifeRecovery

I am one generation REMOVED from the alcoholic FOO member, and this is my life struggle. My grandfather was an alcoholic, and my mother's family fell for all of these hook, line, sinker and made are very adept at them.

My immediate family was very good at them too. For me I believe it is the reason I struggle with an eating disorder......

Therapy has made a huge difference in my life, but it is scary to me that I did not grow up with an alcoholic.....and it could be such a huge force across generations.

Eauchiche

OH!!! Do I understand these things...
I was from a classic alcoholic family where nobody obviously drank. Doesn't matter, the results were still the same.
Then, I was with an alcoholic spouse for 14 years.
Most days, I do okay. Some days, I feel like I'm being drawn back in like a tractor beam. On days like that, I try to find a meeting.
Thanks for sharing. Good luck!

schnappi99

We did the silence thing in my FOO, enforce ld by my father who kept his battles with my mothers drinking private. But my brother witnessed the trash searching and we both lived in the discord. Its taken me over a year to learn to speak more easily in my alanon group, the tension is down to discomfort rather than debilitation which is nice. I was the problem child, my brother the hero. The 12 steps have really helped me. Good luck all

martina12

Thank you ..I was brought up in a 'normal' family but I was not able to express myself..both my Mother and my Father loved us very much but I think something went wrong?..my sister developed a lifelong bulimia problem and I gravitated towards alcoholics.....then the alcohol dependency in me...

Thank you for taking the time to post this...food for thought for me