Lying to The Children
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Lying to The Children
I know I read and have been counseled so much about protecting the children...which I completely agree with. My STBAXH has been taking our DD7 on an emotional ride and I am sick of it. He is in recovery, relapsing, good dad, bad dad, up, down and all around. He is taking her on a ride and its like there is nothing I can do to protect her! Frustrating. He adheres to financial arrangement and schedule, so there is not a reason to go back to court. Last time I checked being a jerk and emotionally void is not against the law.
Can we just be honest? Do any of you just want to lie to prevent the pain of our smaller children? She asks me so many hard questions! I just want to lie and give her a fluff answer. We have an appointment with therapist (expensive!) but part of me just wants to lie and let her enjoy her childhood without the weight of her dads drama around her neck.
How do you protect the little children from the quacking??
Can we just be honest? Do any of you just want to lie to prevent the pain of our smaller children? She asks me so many hard questions! I just want to lie and give her a fluff answer. We have an appointment with therapist (expensive!) but part of me just wants to lie and let her enjoy her childhood without the weight of her dads drama around her neck.
How do you protect the little children from the quacking??
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 135
wow.... thats a hard one! In a way i think its ok to sugar coat things a bit. At 7 i don't think its necessary to give her all the details of whats happening. I think its probably a good idea to give her assurance that she's safe and you're not going anywhere, and that you will always be there to protect her. I went through a similar situation with my ex husband. At the time of our divorce he was using drugs. My son was very young at the time, so thankfully he didn't see what was going on. I think you can protect her but also give her opportunities to talk about things that may be bothering her. I think its healthy for her to ask you questions. You don't want her to bottle all her feeling inside. Going to a therapist is a great idea! I know we want to protect our children from everything... and with the right guidance she will be ok! She's lucky to have you!!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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Giving straight answers without much detail is best. I'm still trying to sort out the truth from the lies I was told as a child, and I'm 32 now. If it's really uncomfortable or not a question you're prepared to answer, "I don't know" will work. Eventually she will get older and notice things on her own, and a lot of her questions will be answered that way. But don't outright lie. Putting lipstick on a pig doesn't hide that it's still a pig. She'll know you're lying anyway, and it'll just confuse her and teach her that lying is acceptable. We don't need to go any further down that road than what the A is already dishing out.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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How old is your DD?
I think there is a lot of relevant information in Bob1 thread regarding inclusion of children. IMO its a 50/50 answer. Yes she deserves clarification, but yes she also deserves to have a happy childhood and not be saddled with Dad's drama. You certainly don't want your child developing an anxiety disorder or poor coping skills. Young kids simply aren't in a position to understand the dynamics between adults. As an adult in my 20's I became privy to many issues in my own parents marriage inclusive of information about them individually that I still wish I never knew.
Therapist advice on this I think thefts answer.
I think there is a lot of relevant information in Bob1 thread regarding inclusion of children. IMO its a 50/50 answer. Yes she deserves clarification, but yes she also deserves to have a happy childhood and not be saddled with Dad's drama. You certainly don't want your child developing an anxiety disorder or poor coping skills. Young kids simply aren't in a position to understand the dynamics between adults. As an adult in my 20's I became privy to many issues in my own parents marriage inclusive of information about them individually that I still wish I never knew.
Therapist advice on this I think thefts answer.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
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Lying to the kids or Not Discussing It (my parents did that) isn't going to help. But finding constructive language is really import IMHO- you can't just dump the adult themes on a kid. With our daughter we acknowledged the role alcohol played- it made mommy sick, and daddy got angry and demanding, but emphasize what were doing for recovery. I tell her general things about my weekly alanon mtgs- she seems to appreciate the consistent schedule, my wife met another mom in their recovery program and introduced our daughter to her kids. The last couple road trips the 3 of us have been on I got lucky with some AA speaker recordings that didn't get too raunchy.. the strong recovery message seems to give her something to relate to, or maybe its the jokes/accents of the speaker which is fine. The win seems to me to be not making this stuff be a deep dark secret.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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DD7 knows he has a drinking problem. She has grown up knowing there is a problem because he has been in multiple outpatient rehab programs which include the children group sessions and fun activities, age appropriate. She has been to the AA sober events with him. But then again she has seen him relapse multiple times. He has told her still loves me and wants us to be a family and then seen her with other women too. I am so scared of what is happening to her mind.
He is blocked on my phone so he started messaging her Ipad inappropriate things so I blocked him on that too. Telling her he loves her and misses her but yet always throwing in a dig about me somehow.
I am not lying to her about his problem but sometimes I just want to save her little mind and say dad did not show up because he is sick but if I say I dont know, I feel guilty because I do know why. I guess I will never be able to shield her from this pain. I guess I just have to be there when she needs me to hold her. I hate that we cannot protect them from the A parent entirely. He is her dad and the reality is he is an A. I was just thinking of how I can minimize her grief.
He is blocked on my phone so he started messaging her Ipad inappropriate things so I blocked him on that too. Telling her he loves her and misses her but yet always throwing in a dig about me somehow.
I am not lying to her about his problem but sometimes I just want to save her little mind and say dad did not show up because he is sick but if I say I dont know, I feel guilty because I do know why. I guess I will never be able to shield her from this pain. I guess I just have to be there when she needs me to hold her. I hate that we cannot protect them from the A parent entirely. He is her dad and the reality is he is an A. I was just thinking of how I can minimize her grief.
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Oh wow, how I understand your situation.
I agree, give her basic information without too much detail. Answer her questions with honesty though, or she will end up bitter with you. Let her know that she did not do anything to cause it at all, that he is just sick. There are some good books out there that discuss it too. I know counseling is expensive (my kids are both in and have been for a long time). However, it is worth every penny if you get someone she clicks with.
Many, many hugs to you.
I agree, give her basic information without too much detail. Answer her questions with honesty though, or she will end up bitter with you. Let her know that she did not do anything to cause it at all, that he is just sick. There are some good books out there that discuss it too. I know counseling is expensive (my kids are both in and have been for a long time). However, it is worth every penny if you get someone she clicks with.
Many, many hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Iamthird, I don't see that telling your daughter that her dad won't show up because he is sick is inappropriate or a lie.
From my experience, kids need to know that whatever happens is not their fault; they tend to see what happens around them as being caused by their own thoughts and/or actions. Making the separation that "Dad does what he does" because of his own needs and NOT hers is important and honest.
What you are trying to do here is help her understand that what she wishes and wants and thinks does not cause his behavior. Otherwise, kids think in "magic" such as "I wanted him to come, and he didn't so it must be my fault".
His behavior is erratic and alternately "push me away/pull me close" and the sooner the better that she can truly understand that she can't cause him to behave in any way and isn't to blame when he rejects her.
ShootingStar1
From my experience, kids need to know that whatever happens is not their fault; they tend to see what happens around them as being caused by their own thoughts and/or actions. Making the separation that "Dad does what he does" because of his own needs and NOT hers is important and honest.
What you are trying to do here is help her understand that what she wishes and wants and thinks does not cause his behavior. Otherwise, kids think in "magic" such as "I wanted him to come, and he didn't so it must be my fault".
His behavior is erratic and alternately "push me away/pull me close" and the sooner the better that she can truly understand that she can't cause him to behave in any way and isn't to blame when he rejects her.
ShootingStar1
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Location: Florida
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I truly feel like the best age & maturity appropriate honesty now saves tons in time & therapy dollars later. Personally, I have found that being honest with DD helped MY relationship with her tremendously, which was a wonderful bonus I wasn't anticipating.
I think truth IS protecting the kids. Giving them the right definitions for words & situations & calling things what they REALLY ARE reduces their confusion & distrust.
EVERY child is different - they have been exposed to different levels & types of dysfunction & abuse & have a different individual maturity outside of all of that BS as well.
IMO, with as much as she already HAS been involved with regarding his recovery, I'd be as honest as possible.... including answers like, "I don't always know why either honey, it's not an easy thing to understand." I also turned it back to DD a lot at this age, asking what her observations & thoughts about things were. "Well, what do YOU think?" It showed me a lot about her fears, vulnerabilities & joys. And I found that sometimes, just like me, she just needed to talk it through to feel better about it. She just needed to be heard.
In NO way have I ever smack-talked RAH to DD. No name-calling, no giving her my opinions about his behavior, no blame-shifting or finger pointing.... I tell her about reality & that sometimes the answer is that I'm just as confused as she is. I teach her detachment, even using a hula hoop to demonstrate that theory to her in action, lol. I keep reminding her that his issues don't define her; it isn't about her in any way & it's nothing she can control.
I think truth IS protecting the kids. Giving them the right definitions for words & situations & calling things what they REALLY ARE reduces their confusion & distrust.
EVERY child is different - they have been exposed to different levels & types of dysfunction & abuse & have a different individual maturity outside of all of that BS as well.
IMO, with as much as she already HAS been involved with regarding his recovery, I'd be as honest as possible.... including answers like, "I don't always know why either honey, it's not an easy thing to understand." I also turned it back to DD a lot at this age, asking what her observations & thoughts about things were. "Well, what do YOU think?" It showed me a lot about her fears, vulnerabilities & joys. And I found that sometimes, just like me, she just needed to talk it through to feel better about it. She just needed to be heard.
In NO way have I ever smack-talked RAH to DD. No name-calling, no giving her my opinions about his behavior, no blame-shifting or finger pointing.... I tell her about reality & that sometimes the answer is that I'm just as confused as she is. I teach her detachment, even using a hula hoop to demonstrate that theory to her in action, lol. I keep reminding her that his issues don't define her; it isn't about her in any way & it's nothing she can control.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
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My daughter is in the same position with her now 9 yo daughter. She has let the therapist (best money ever) help her with coping skills and answer in a safe manner. You might be sure to discuss privately, with the therapist, what your concerns are and encourage your daughter to talk about those things with the therapist. Thats what we've done with gdaughter. My daughter always answers in a positive way and encourages discussion. Always age appropriate. We have worked hard not to villify the xah, but gd sees what is going on and is often scared of going to his house. We are so troubled by not being able to protect her from him, but she loves her daddy. Such a difficult position. Big hugs to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Had the next therapy session today with DD7. It was expensive but definitely worth it. It is crazy how in such a small time (60 min.) someone can point out all the things I should be able to see myself!
I feel in a good starting place right now. I will never master it but feeling good about what I need to do.
I feel in a good starting place right now. I will never master it but feeling good about what I need to do.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
This is an excellent question.
You know, xah manipulates. He's an excellent liar too - a real wolf in sheep's clothing.
As time goes on ( I threw him out 2.5 years ago and he lives across the ocean from us) my four children and I have built a different kind of household. We look out for one another, we use respectful language, we communicate our feelings, we cooperate, we work together. We are honest. We let things go and move on. We accept that stuff happens outside our our control.
Their Dad does some lousy things. Occasionally some decent ones. We have all figured out there's no controlling him but we can control ourselves. It's sad that he has been selfish but we don't have to linger over his actions.
I was definitely in a whirlwind when xah was living with us and got increasingly abusive and scary. The children unfortunately lived through me talking and crying and raging and scared and living in real panic. It was rough for all of us and I wish I had curbed my tongue. They heard way more than they should have about the rotten things there father had and was doing.
But xah isn't so relevant any more. I am honest about him when he comes up in conversation, but I can speak more calmly and reassuringly.
Bottom line is, they live in my care. And I, with their help ( the oldest is already 18), can make our world here stable, warm, caring, honest and peaceful.
So they go see xah and the ride is rough. But they live another way with me. And so they are developing stronger ties to one another and they learn they can still count on some people.
It's ultimately not just what you say to explain things. It's showing your children a better way.
Life is sometimes hard. And life is beautiful.
You know, xah manipulates. He's an excellent liar too - a real wolf in sheep's clothing.
As time goes on ( I threw him out 2.5 years ago and he lives across the ocean from us) my four children and I have built a different kind of household. We look out for one another, we use respectful language, we communicate our feelings, we cooperate, we work together. We are honest. We let things go and move on. We accept that stuff happens outside our our control.
Their Dad does some lousy things. Occasionally some decent ones. We have all figured out there's no controlling him but we can control ourselves. It's sad that he has been selfish but we don't have to linger over his actions.
I was definitely in a whirlwind when xah was living with us and got increasingly abusive and scary. The children unfortunately lived through me talking and crying and raging and scared and living in real panic. It was rough for all of us and I wish I had curbed my tongue. They heard way more than they should have about the rotten things there father had and was doing.
But xah isn't so relevant any more. I am honest about him when he comes up in conversation, but I can speak more calmly and reassuringly.
Bottom line is, they live in my care. And I, with their help ( the oldest is already 18), can make our world here stable, warm, caring, honest and peaceful.
So they go see xah and the ride is rough. But they live another way with me. And so they are developing stronger ties to one another and they learn they can still count on some people.
It's ultimately not just what you say to explain things. It's showing your children a better way.
Life is sometimes hard. And life is beautiful.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
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Thank you for this question and everyone's responses. I've been struggling with this myself with what to say to the children. Ages 7 (yesterday) and 9. The 9 year old is starting to see things on his own and comes up with his own answers and conclusions. Daughter still asking questions. What I've tried to come up with is neutral truth. But I think that eventually therapy is going to be in order.
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