History re written
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Please try to get some sleep. Turn your phone off and your computer off. Please! You cannot think clearly or act rationally on no sleep. You need a clear head before you talk to or communicate with any of them again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
There was another thing that my daughter said she asked my ex about. She asked him if he cheated on me. She told him that was a dealbreaker for her. He told her no. I never ever mentioned this to her. She knew the woman. My ex bought a car for her that she never wanted from this woman. My daughter had been saving for a car, they all of a sudden she got a car she didn't want.
I guess that's why she asked. They never knew his mailing address was a UPS box. I never told them. He would disappear for 2 months or longer at a time and tell me that he was sleeping under his desk in his cubicle at work.
Perhaps, I am crazy, I never believed that.
PS- not getting on the phone today, it is shut off.
amy
another PS - If I get crazy today, just tell me so. It's a miserable day here. Going to rain, mosquitoes all over, was going to try to do some yard work before the rain, but I think you are stuck with me till I can go to sleep. Sorry.
I guess that's why she asked. They never knew his mailing address was a UPS box. I never told them. He would disappear for 2 months or longer at a time and tell me that he was sleeping under his desk in his cubicle at work.
Perhaps, I am crazy, I never believed that.
PS- not getting on the phone today, it is shut off.
amy
another PS - If I get crazy today, just tell me so. It's a miserable day here. Going to rain, mosquitoes all over, was going to try to do some yard work before the rain, but I think you are stuck with me till I can go to sleep. Sorry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Talk about gaslighting, he changed history on me. I have nothing, I burned my journals, not that I would ever bring them out. I can understand he changing some things, but not when he hit me, and my daughter came to the hospital to pick me up, and she hated me for all of these years because I caused injury to myself, and I didn't do that.
I know I emailed him to respond to something else. The way it is right now, I really don't care. I'm being thought of as a viscous, cruel, crazy abuser. That was him, not me. I won't email him again, I just don't care enough, and I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't get an email from him.
which btw, I know I didn't have to respond to. I didn't have to give him the contact info for the pension division. I was just trying to be nice, which is what I do try to be, then it just came over me. I said it with no emotion at all. Don't expect a reply. If he calls daughter to try to convince her more, will only give her more doubt as to who is telling the truth.
Sorry, just crying and crazy today
amy
I know I emailed him to respond to something else. The way it is right now, I really don't care. I'm being thought of as a viscous, cruel, crazy abuser. That was him, not me. I won't email him again, I just don't care enough, and I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't get an email from him.
which btw, I know I didn't have to respond to. I didn't have to give him the contact info for the pension division. I was just trying to be nice, which is what I do try to be, then it just came over me. I said it with no emotion at all. Don't expect a reply. If he calls daughter to try to convince her more, will only give her more doubt as to who is telling the truth.
Sorry, just crying and crazy today
amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
It is ok, Amy. Let it all out. We are here for you.
You are not crazy, but your daughters are victims of crazymaking. It is not surprising. It happens in abusive relationships that one parent uses kids and turns them against the other. It is hard for them to believe.
But you are rebuilding your relationship with them. And being transparent and truthful is required on both sides. They will slowly start to listen. You will see.
You are not crazy, but your daughters are victims of crazymaking. It is not surprising. It happens in abusive relationships that one parent uses kids and turns them against the other. It is hard for them to believe.
But you are rebuilding your relationship with them. And being transparent and truthful is required on both sides. They will slowly start to listen. You will see.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
I think I understand some of your feelings regarding confronting your A. It always feels like I am the one that has to take the high road and keep the peace, while the A spreads BS. And when I call him on it, I am being a b!+ch. I started keeping a diary (of sorts) because I often needed to check back and make sure that I was not the crazy one.
As stated in other posts, your daughter is an adult, and if your A tries to manipulate her because of your comments, then perhaps that might be a good time to recommend some of the books listed above to her. I have the Lundy book on my Kindle, and have already shared it with my DD. She still lives with my XAH part time, but I think she has a pretty good awareness of the dynamics that are at play. Don't be afraid to tell your daughter the truth. It is time.
As stated in other posts, your daughter is an adult, and if your A tries to manipulate her because of your comments, then perhaps that might be a good time to recommend some of the books listed above to her. I have the Lundy book on my Kindle, and have already shared it with my DD. She still lives with my XAH part time, but I think she has a pretty good awareness of the dynamics that are at play. Don't be afraid to tell your daughter the truth. It is time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
That f n lying [email protected]. I thought the most damage he did was to pack up the house and ask if he could store it for me in my oldest daughters garage. He played the victim that day. Told them all that he wanted me to have everything, and that I was acting like I was afraid to come to the house to get it. I was afraid to go to take it.
So he had the kids come down on moving day, carefully load up the truck to put things in storage for me, gave them all those woe stories.
I bought my house and asked him for it. He told me it was all gone. That he got rid of it all. Most of it, is still in my daughters garage, and I can't even look at it.
I always thought, it was better to stay together for the children. I know I did tell you that I was preparing to leave in 2000. Then I found out I had 2 different cancers.
I still wish I left then.
It is true, that after awhile, you never regret leaving, you only regret staying as long as you did, and I guess, that is also hitting me today.
I should have left in 2000 when he called me an f n ugly witch, and spit in my face, I didn't. I was diagnosed with cancer, and he became nice, only because that is the was a husband is supposed be so that everyone can sympathize with him and buy him drinks. He did actually tell me this.
For anyone reading this, not knowing whether to leave or not, I will say run, and never, never go back, because those were my good days, (my good days going thru cancer treatment, and a DVT). I surprised him, I recovered. 2 months after last cancer treatment, while having a normal conversation, he said to me, "I see you are back to being the old b!tch that you are". I asked him, what are you talking about, what are you saying. He said, "you're strong enough now, I don't have to be nice to you".
His abuse at that point went 10 fold. Didn't just double.
And last night, I was still questioning myself.
amy
So he had the kids come down on moving day, carefully load up the truck to put things in storage for me, gave them all those woe stories.
I bought my house and asked him for it. He told me it was all gone. That he got rid of it all. Most of it, is still in my daughters garage, and I can't even look at it.
I always thought, it was better to stay together for the children. I know I did tell you that I was preparing to leave in 2000. Then I found out I had 2 different cancers.
I still wish I left then.
It is true, that after awhile, you never regret leaving, you only regret staying as long as you did, and I guess, that is also hitting me today.
I should have left in 2000 when he called me an f n ugly witch, and spit in my face, I didn't. I was diagnosed with cancer, and he became nice, only because that is the was a husband is supposed be so that everyone can sympathize with him and buy him drinks. He did actually tell me this.
For anyone reading this, not knowing whether to leave or not, I will say run, and never, never go back, because those were my good days, (my good days going thru cancer treatment, and a DVT). I surprised him, I recovered. 2 months after last cancer treatment, while having a normal conversation, he said to me, "I see you are back to being the old b!tch that you are". I asked him, what are you talking about, what are you saying. He said, "you're strong enough now, I don't have to be nice to you".
His abuse at that point went 10 fold. Didn't just double.
And last night, I was still questioning myself.
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Yurt,
I can't tell them the truth unless they are willing to listen. I did validate them when they were growing up. I did not let him get away with emotionally abusing my children, I was right there, and right in his face. I knew what would happen, he would go after me and glorify them. I was OK with that. But I then hid in the garage. He re wrote history for them also. He became the best dad as soon as I was gone, and blamed everything on me.
I always cooked, but I couldn't when he did this. So he would BBQ, make a big deal about it, make a bigger deal trying to get me to come and eat the BBQ. His abuse got me so sick sometimes I would go a week without eating. If I ate, I just got sick. I lost a lot of weight. He told me that he was good for me for my diet. I would just look at him, my stomach would expand and hurt, and if he talked I had to vomit.
Both kids were in college for awhile. I was only able to eat and sleep when they were home. The rest of the time I lived in h3ll.
I was stuck in analysis paralysis. I started drinking heavily when youngest daughter went to college. It was only the 2 of us then. I was absent from life until I left him.
amy
I can't tell them the truth unless they are willing to listen. I did validate them when they were growing up. I did not let him get away with emotionally abusing my children, I was right there, and right in his face. I knew what would happen, he would go after me and glorify them. I was OK with that. But I then hid in the garage. He re wrote history for them also. He became the best dad as soon as I was gone, and blamed everything on me.
I always cooked, but I couldn't when he did this. So he would BBQ, make a big deal about it, make a bigger deal trying to get me to come and eat the BBQ. His abuse got me so sick sometimes I would go a week without eating. If I ate, I just got sick. I lost a lot of weight. He told me that he was good for me for my diet. I would just look at him, my stomach would expand and hurt, and if he talked I had to vomit.
Both kids were in college for awhile. I was only able to eat and sleep when they were home. The rest of the time I lived in h3ll.
I was stuck in analysis paralysis. I started drinking heavily when youngest daughter went to college. It was only the 2 of us then. I was absent from life until I left him.
amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Ya, I get it. XA is now SuperDad; calling, texting, and emailing instructions to me regarding DD's steps for college. I have also heard about "his version" of past events. I just respond that is his point of view. Our DD doesn't want to hear either of us dis the other, so I keep the details to a minimum when we discuss these things. When she is with him, then I remind her that she shouldn't discuss important items after 6 or 7 pm. He will either pitch a fit, or simply won't remember.
I also lost a lot of weight my last year with him. He would start in on me the moment I sat down. Told me I looked great just before I told him I was leaving.
And cooking...XA acted as if he invented it. Always complained that I didn't cook often enough (I was working full time and going to school, and then working as a first year teacher). And when I did cook...Well, nothing was even close to right. So, I chose not to.
Try to think forward. Choose bliss. You don't have to have contact with him on any given day.
I also lost a lot of weight my last year with him. He would start in on me the moment I sat down. Told me I looked great just before I told him I was leaving.
And cooking...XA acted as if he invented it. Always complained that I didn't cook often enough (I was working full time and going to school, and then working as a first year teacher). And when I did cook...Well, nothing was even close to right. So, I chose not to.
Try to think forward. Choose bliss. You don't have to have contact with him on any given day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
More hugs...
Sending you some peace and serenity.
You know your truths. Nobody can take that from you.
And time will reveal all to your children. Even if it's the day they meet HP...
Truth reveals itself.
I'm working right now..I'll be back later... Don't let this shake your truths. Your history is real, regardless of the stories that come out. There will probably be more over time.
Keep writing. I find that helps. And look around at your home, the safe, good life you've created for yourself.
(((((((((((Amy))))))))))))
Sending you some peace and serenity.
You know your truths. Nobody can take that from you.
And time will reveal all to your children. Even if it's the day they meet HP...
Truth reveals itself. I'm working right now..I'll be back later... Don't let this shake your truths. Your history is real, regardless of the stories that come out. There will probably be more over time.
Keep writing. I find that helps. And look around at your home, the safe, good life you've created for yourself.
(((((((((((Amy))))))))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Yurt, I thank God everyday that I don't really need to contact him. I should not have even responded to him last night. I was trying to be nice and pass on info as to who I called, but then just got aggravated. I didn't even owe him a phone number and a contact name, he wouldn't have given it to me. TBH, and I am today, totally honest, I gave him that info that it was life I was hating myself, so I had to add on the bit about him lying about me throwing myself down the steps.
I did sent one text before shutting off the phone, that was to youngest daughter, just asking if she drove last night because I drove into a rainstorm and heavy fog. She replied, she did go home last night, but it was just drizzling. Happy to know she got home safe. (I would never have let her drive last night)
-----------
I don't know how to express my thanks for everyone who is responding to this or just reading this. I think I would have gone bonkers without a place to write this down.
There are so many twisted people out there that appear normal.
Another thing I don't know if I did it wrong or not. My daughter was complimenting my outfit and my looks, and my hair, and oh well, I don't take well to compliments. I put ever everything down about me, like, oh well this shirt is about 12 yrs. old, the skirt, well I got that at KMart. My hair, well it's dyed, my face, she said I was beautiful, I said did you see all the wrinkles, I hate to look in the mirror. She said why do you do this to yourself, when you always told me to look at the beautiful person that I am. I had no answer. Or I couldn't give an answer.
I just want to fade away into the background. I don't want anyone to notice me, and "no", I don't like myself or how I look. I still hear voices in my head, and I don't want to argue yet with the voices in my head.
amy
I did sent one text before shutting off the phone, that was to youngest daughter, just asking if she drove last night because I drove into a rainstorm and heavy fog. She replied, she did go home last night, but it was just drizzling. Happy to know she got home safe. (I would never have let her drive last night)
-----------
I don't know how to express my thanks for everyone who is responding to this or just reading this. I think I would have gone bonkers without a place to write this down.
There are so many twisted people out there that appear normal.
Another thing I don't know if I did it wrong or not. My daughter was complimenting my outfit and my looks, and my hair, and oh well, I don't take well to compliments. I put ever everything down about me, like, oh well this shirt is about 12 yrs. old, the skirt, well I got that at KMart. My hair, well it's dyed, my face, she said I was beautiful, I said did you see all the wrinkles, I hate to look in the mirror. She said why do you do this to yourself, when you always told me to look at the beautiful person that I am. I had no answer. Or I couldn't give an answer.
I just want to fade away into the background. I don't want anyone to notice me, and "no", I don't like myself or how I look. I still hear voices in my head, and I don't want to argue yet with the voices in my head.
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I don't think not being willing to accept a compliment is a right or wrong type thing. It's just where you are right now. Self-acceptance is something that builds over time, and in our society where youth and beauty is prized above all, sometimes acceptance of our external selves is the last thing to slot into place.
Telling our stories (our truths) is a good choice towards self-acceptance. I wouldn't worry about that bit just yet. It's more a sign of where you are right now than a problem to be tackled. You've got other things on your mind just now.
Telling our stories (our truths) is a good choice towards self-acceptance. I wouldn't worry about that bit just yet. It's more a sign of where you are right now than a problem to be tackled. You've got other things on your mind just now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Being the insomniac that I am, and being up 29 hours, with 3 hours sleep the night before and no sleep the night before that, I tend to analyze things.
I feel beautiful around my friends, I can actually accept their compliments, it's like they know they don't have to, and don't always do it, but when they do, it's honest. I don't feel that way around my children. or family. I'm like almost waiting for the "dig" after the compliment, so I put myself down first, before they can get to me.
Perhaps reading too much into that, perhaps not enough sleep, perhaps accurate of how I feel and respond.
Thank you,
((((((hugs))))))
amy
I feel beautiful around my friends, I can actually accept their compliments, it's like they know they don't have to, and don't always do it, but when they do, it's honest. I don't feel that way around my children. or family. I'm like almost waiting for the "dig" after the compliment, so I put myself down first, before they can get to me.
Perhaps reading too much into that, perhaps not enough sleep, perhaps accurate of how I feel and respond.
Thank you,
((((((hugs))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Someone once told me- when you're complimented, look the person in the eye, smile gently, and say- "thank you!" in a very meaningful way. I struggled so much with this.
First time I did it I felt like a cocky weirdo. Now it's natural. And it spreads the happiness right back to the complimenter. And it feels fantastic.
You spent years owning bad things you didn't think we're true and wondering if they were real...maybe try owning some of the good things people see in you?
Imagine spending 25 years with someone saying THESE things to you!
Embrace it. If she thinks you're beautiful you can't say no...it's how she feels, and she decides that. Accept it with a smile.
As an aside, it's another gift you would be giving your daughter when she compliments you. For her to know you believe you are worthy of love and value yourself. Even more, it's a gift to you. From you. And it's inexpensive.
First time I did it I felt like a cocky weirdo. Now it's natural. And it spreads the happiness right back to the complimenter. And it feels fantastic.
You spent years owning bad things you didn't think we're true and wondering if they were real...maybe try owning some of the good things people see in you?
Imagine spending 25 years with someone saying THESE things to you!
Embrace it. If she thinks you're beautiful you can't say no...it's how she feels, and she decides that. Accept it with a smile.
As an aside, it's another gift you would be giving your daughter when she compliments you. For her to know you believe you are worthy of love and value yourself. Even more, it's a gift to you. From you. And it's inexpensive.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Praying, you made me cry but in a good way. I can try to do that with compliments. Just really not use to getting them.
Next, how to not freak out when someone says---"where would you like to go out to eat?" Always a trick question for me and a lose lose sitch.
I am getting a little tired now. Been catching up on Orange is the new Black. Season 3.
I do really thank everyone for keeping me company today and keeping me sane. (I think).
I know more sh!t will be coming my way, I would be stupid to not expect it. I didn't really expect this one, should have..
Oh, I was staying away from email, but checked it a little while ago. My daughter had emailed me at 9 in the morning, that she got home, had a great time and can't wait to see me again.
Still won't be pushing for anything he said about me, but if it comes up, and it probably will, will just tell the truth, and if it ruffles feathers, then it does, I can't do anything else.
One other funny thing. Both my son and my daughter had contacted me in the past about abusive relationships and stalking that their friends were going through. Actually with my son, it is his now wife. My oldest daughter also contacted me when youngest daughter was in an abusive relationship. They all wanted to know what was safe.
Guess that is what boggles my mind the most. Why would they call me if they think or was told I was the abusive one?
amy
Next, how to not freak out when someone says---"where would you like to go out to eat?" Always a trick question for me and a lose lose sitch.
I am getting a little tired now. Been catching up on Orange is the new Black. Season 3.
I do really thank everyone for keeping me company today and keeping me sane. (I think).
I know more sh!t will be coming my way, I would be stupid to not expect it. I didn't really expect this one, should have..
Oh, I was staying away from email, but checked it a little while ago. My daughter had emailed me at 9 in the morning, that she got home, had a great time and can't wait to see me again.
Still won't be pushing for anything he said about me, but if it comes up, and it probably will, will just tell the truth, and if it ruffles feathers, then it does, I can't do anything else.
One other funny thing. Both my son and my daughter had contacted me in the past about abusive relationships and stalking that their friends were going through. Actually with my son, it is his now wife. My oldest daughter also contacted me when youngest daughter was in an abusive relationship. They all wanted to know what was safe.
Guess that is what boggles my mind the most. Why would they call me if they think or was told I was the abusive one?
amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Maybe she felt like she just had to get it "out there" and hear what your response would be. She may not really believe it, but had to ask, you know? For her own peace of mind. Kind of like we ask things here like, "Am I crazy, or is this happening?" A reality check.
I had a case where a victim endured horrific abuse and hid it from her three teenagers. When it finally was disclosed after his arrest, two of the kids were not that surprised. The one child--the son, who was the only kid dad treated well--was completely brainwashed by the abuser, and he went so far as to threaten his mom if she didn't drop the charges. Eventually he did see the truth, and he now has his head screwed on straight, but it took a while.
Just suggesting that it may take some time for this to be processed.
I had a case where a victim endured horrific abuse and hid it from her three teenagers. When it finally was disclosed after his arrest, two of the kids were not that surprised. The one child--the son, who was the only kid dad treated well--was completely brainwashed by the abuser, and he went so far as to threaten his mom if she didn't drop the charges. Eventually he did see the truth, and he now has his head screwed on straight, but it took a while.
Just suggesting that it may take some time for this to be processed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Still awake here. Lexie, thank you. You keep my head balance so many times. I think I got hit the hardest yesterday. Can't imagine getting hit much worse then being accused of throwing yourself down the steps to cause an injury, which might cause death, from a person that is terrified of heights. Also to be accused of being viscous, and violent, and abusive, and she was still holding onto me. She didn't want to let go.
Not going to over think anything here anymore. She had text me and emailed me that she got home. She didn't have to do that.
I do know sometimes that I hear that she is 28 yrs old. She can take what she wants, leave the rest. She is my child though. She is ACOA. Adult child of alcoholism/adult child of abuse, and has been through at least 2 abusive relationships that I am aware of.
I am responsible for it.
I accept that.
Things are looking better for me and my relationship with my 3 children. Don't know, guess time will tell.
Lexie, I read what you wrote, that was encouraging.
It's hard to reestablish a relationship. Perhaps not that hard, I can do that part of it. The hard part is mostly about the abuse. Don't know how to deal with that part since for the last 4 - 5 years I was labeled as the abuser and crazy person.
Guess the hardest part is he has been talking to my 2 daughters about once a week, not so much my son that much. He calls my son about every 2 months. My son now calls me once a week.
OK, really sleep deprivation here. Think I am signing out and going to sleep
Thank you again for keeping me sane
amy
Not going to over think anything here anymore. She had text me and emailed me that she got home. She didn't have to do that.
I do know sometimes that I hear that she is 28 yrs old. She can take what she wants, leave the rest. She is my child though. She is ACOA. Adult child of alcoholism/adult child of abuse, and has been through at least 2 abusive relationships that I am aware of.
I am responsible for it.
I accept that.
Things are looking better for me and my relationship with my 3 children. Don't know, guess time will tell.
Lexie, I read what you wrote, that was encouraging.
It's hard to reestablish a relationship. Perhaps not that hard, I can do that part of it. The hard part is mostly about the abuse. Don't know how to deal with that part since for the last 4 - 5 years I was labeled as the abuser and crazy person.
Guess the hardest part is he has been talking to my 2 daughters about once a week, not so much my son that much. He calls my son about every 2 months. My son now calls me once a week.
OK, really sleep deprivation here. Think I am signing out and going to sleep
Thank you again for keeping me sane
amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
amy, every person has their own memories. what WE remember is not what OTHERS recall. the truth is not the issue, altho it seems it should be....because what is YOUR truth, might not be that of someone else.
my last ex was the middle child of five. when, as adults, they got together to discuss their childhood it turns out they EACH had different memories of the same event....some had NO recall, some recalled a specific incident in completely different ways.
when my daughter was still in pre-school, they had a mom's day event.....for absolutely NO reason except that I forgot (I wasn't working and was completely sober) and did not attend. her dad called me later (we were separated) and asked if there was anything I forgot that day and I said NO.....and then it hit me. OH CRAP. my daughter who was maybe 3 at the time said: that's ok mommy, all the other mommy's showed up but I have all your gifts. (they made little place mats and flowers with pipe cleaners as the stems).
I felt like the most horrid mother on the planet. to this day I wish I could go back and BE there.
here's the thing. my daughter? she has NO memory of that event. none. she thinks its kind of funny. she is 32. what was for ME my singular worst act as a parent meant NOTHING to my child.
your memories are YOURS. you do not need to try and reconfig the memories of your children. neither defend nor explain.
what you have is the NOW. dragging the past along with you serves no good purpose.
my last ex was the middle child of five. when, as adults, they got together to discuss their childhood it turns out they EACH had different memories of the same event....some had NO recall, some recalled a specific incident in completely different ways.
when my daughter was still in pre-school, they had a mom's day event.....for absolutely NO reason except that I forgot (I wasn't working and was completely sober) and did not attend. her dad called me later (we were separated) and asked if there was anything I forgot that day and I said NO.....and then it hit me. OH CRAP. my daughter who was maybe 3 at the time said: that's ok mommy, all the other mommy's showed up but I have all your gifts. (they made little place mats and flowers with pipe cleaners as the stems).
I felt like the most horrid mother on the planet. to this day I wish I could go back and BE there.
here's the thing. my daughter? she has NO memory of that event. none. she thinks its kind of funny. she is 32. what was for ME my singular worst act as a parent meant NOTHING to my child.
your memories are YOURS. you do not need to try and reconfig the memories of your children. neither defend nor explain.
what you have is the NOW. dragging the past along with you serves no good purpose.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
