Is this issue worth breaking NC?? Please guide me.
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Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
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Originally Posted by redatlanta 
-He is a chronic relapser, lots of wreckage
-He eventually drank and almost got himself killed through a fight leading to a brain injury
-he reacted and scrambled to other resources which involved some AA girl
-became abusive
-I did see a sexting message he sent
-he began mysteriously getting rides places and was unavailable quite often which definitely looked like another girl was involved.
- a text came in that said, "I'm with my chic, I'll call you later."
-He doesn't make the best choice with people
-I have a feeling he has been creeping around here
I can't imagine why I wrote that he sounded creepy and was bad news. Maybe your description of him???? Hmmm.
Perhaps its time to work the steps again for you.
-He eventually drank and almost got himself killed through a fight leading to a brain injury
-he reacted and scrambled to other resources which involved some AA girl
-became abusive
-I did see a sexting message he sent
-he began mysteriously getting rides places and was unavailable quite often which definitely looked like another girl was involved.
- a text came in that said, "I'm with my chic, I'll call you later."
-He doesn't make the best choice with people
-I have a feeling he has been creeping around here
I can't imagine why I wrote that he sounded creepy and was bad news. Maybe your description of him???? Hmmm.
Perhaps its time to work the steps again for you.
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Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Hi TalenCrowhaven,
I understand where you are coming from and I am listening. I just spoke to a woman after a meeting with a similar story to what you just shared.
What I meant about harmless was the feedback I was getting telling me to get a restraining order on him for stalker tendencies.
Since I am trying to continue NC and all he did was leave a flower on my door I thought getting a restraining order the worst thing I could possibly do and would just trigger a whole series of reactions taking me right back into the situation with him.
In defense of the why people suggested this, I thought he took chairs off my porch but found out he didn't and what I meant about harmless was, he isn't contacting me or trying to get a hold of me in anyway.
I'm sure there is incredible harm to my emotional and mental state but I don't really see that because it's all I know and I'm so used to it. Quite honestly I just don't care about myself that much in that way. I'm in so much emotional pain about so much loss I have had, I am probably numb.
The real motivator to in going NC is because there was a possible (OW) and my character defect of jealousy won't allow me to accept that plus I have a 12-year-old son who I can't expose this to. This is just me being really honest.
My son has never seen an alcoholic relapse, he only knows chips, cakes, sobriety birthdays and recovery.
All my friends/sponsor all have 20+ years in both programs so that is all he knows.
However he does see me crying and suffering but he's used to that too because his Dad (not an alcoholic) left me when he was 2 1/2 so I've been crying for years.
The breaking point with the current exab was when I got honest with my sponsor about my exab's relapse. She said you have to tell your son in case he comes to the door drunk- I was mortified, I didn't want to listen to her suggestion.
I thought no, I am going to hide this, that's what I do but she explained in recovery we can't hide or live in denial anymore.
So as awkwardly as you can imagine I told my son.
He knew my guy and liked him of course, because he's a likable guy sober
and he also saw how happy he made me.
So my son's reaction was, "huh? are you sure?" He didn't really know what to think of it but I just told him don't answer the door for anyone if you are home with the sitter and call me if XXX comes to the door.
That was about it and later when my son helped put the exab's stuff into my car to return, he said, "Hey Mommy, maybe when he gets better, you two can see each other again."
That was so sweet and so sad because I don't think my exab has much chance of getting much better even if he is sober today. That was my dream.
I also did tell my son another girl was involved and wasn't sure if that was TMI but that was a harsh truth I had to face.
When he saw the flower on the door being the wise young man he is, he said, "why did he do that, I thought you said some other girl was involved?"
OUCH out the mouths of babe right? I was so embarrassed, ashamed
and just wanted to go back into denial or crawl under a rock and never come out.
The truth is I'm not sure about the OW because I haven't asked one question, looked at anything on FB, not asked any the people we know together
and stayed away from any information about him whatsoever.
(I am very proud of this too)
OW or not the abuse is the abuse, the disease is the disease and although I want more then anything to just leave this computer right now and drive down to his place or call him, I can't.
Thanks for posting,
Kzen
I understand where you are coming from and I am listening. I just spoke to a woman after a meeting with a similar story to what you just shared.
What I meant about harmless was the feedback I was getting telling me to get a restraining order on him for stalker tendencies.
Since I am trying to continue NC and all he did was leave a flower on my door I thought getting a restraining order the worst thing I could possibly do and would just trigger a whole series of reactions taking me right back into the situation with him.
In defense of the why people suggested this, I thought he took chairs off my porch but found out he didn't and what I meant about harmless was, he isn't contacting me or trying to get a hold of me in anyway.
I'm sure there is incredible harm to my emotional and mental state but I don't really see that because it's all I know and I'm so used to it. Quite honestly I just don't care about myself that much in that way. I'm in so much emotional pain about so much loss I have had, I am probably numb.
The real motivator to in going NC is because there was a possible (OW) and my character defect of jealousy won't allow me to accept that plus I have a 12-year-old son who I can't expose this to. This is just me being really honest.
My son has never seen an alcoholic relapse, he only knows chips, cakes, sobriety birthdays and recovery.
All my friends/sponsor all have 20+ years in both programs so that is all he knows.
However he does see me crying and suffering but he's used to that too because his Dad (not an alcoholic) left me when he was 2 1/2 so I've been crying for years.
The breaking point with the current exab was when I got honest with my sponsor about my exab's relapse. She said you have to tell your son in case he comes to the door drunk- I was mortified, I didn't want to listen to her suggestion.
I thought no, I am going to hide this, that's what I do but she explained in recovery we can't hide or live in denial anymore.
So as awkwardly as you can imagine I told my son.
He knew my guy and liked him of course, because he's a likable guy sober
and he also saw how happy he made me.
So my son's reaction was, "huh? are you sure?" He didn't really know what to think of it but I just told him don't answer the door for anyone if you are home with the sitter and call me if XXX comes to the door.
That was about it and later when my son helped put the exab's stuff into my car to return, he said, "Hey Mommy, maybe when he gets better, you two can see each other again."
That was so sweet and so sad because I don't think my exab has much chance of getting much better even if he is sober today. That was my dream.
I also did tell my son another girl was involved and wasn't sure if that was TMI but that was a harsh truth I had to face.
When he saw the flower on the door being the wise young man he is, he said, "why did he do that, I thought you said some other girl was involved?"
OUCH out the mouths of babe right? I was so embarrassed, ashamed
and just wanted to go back into denial or crawl under a rock and never come out.
The truth is I'm not sure about the OW because I haven't asked one question, looked at anything on FB, not asked any the people we know together
and stayed away from any information about him whatsoever.
(I am very proud of this too)
OW or not the abuse is the abuse, the disease is the disease and although I want more then anything to just leave this computer right now and drive down to his place or call him, I can't.
Thanks for posting,
Kzen
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by kayleezen
Hi TalenCrowhaven,
I understand where you are coming from and I am listening. I just spoke to a woman after a meeting with a similar story to what you just shared.
What I meant about harmless was the feedback I was getting telling me to get a restraining order on him for stalker tendencies.
Since I am trying to continue NC and all he did was leave a flower on my door I thought getting a restraining order the worst thing I could possibly do and would just trigger a whole series of reactions taking me right back into the situation with him.
In defense of the why people suggested this, I thought he took chairs off my porch but found out he didn't and what I meant about harmless was, he isn't contacting me or trying to get a hold of me in anyway.
I'm sure there is incredible harm to my emotional and mental state but I don't really see that because it's all I know and I'm so used to it. Quite honestly I just don't care about myself that much in that way. I'm in so much emotional pain about so much loss I have had, I am probably numb.
The real motivator to in going NC is because there was a possible (OW) and my character defect of jealousy won't allow me to accept that plus I have a 12-year-old son who I can't expose this to. This is just me being really honest.
My son has never seen an alcoholic relapse, he only knows chips, cakes, sobriety birthdays and recovery.
All my friends/sponsor all have 20+ years in both programs so that is all he knows.
However he does see me crying and suffering but he's used to that too because his Dad (not an alcoholic) left me when he was 2 1/2 so I've been crying for years.
The breaking point with the current exab was when I got honest with my sponsor about my exab's relapse. She said you have to tell your son in case he comes to the door drunk- I was mortified, I didn't want to listen to her suggestion.
I thought no, I am going to hide this, that's what I do but she explained in recovery we can't hide or live in denial anymore.
So as awkwardly as you can imagine I told my son.
He knew my guy and liked him of course, because he's a likable guy sober
and he also saw how happy he made me.
So my son's reaction was, "huh? are you sure?" He didn't really know what to think of it but I just told him don't answer the door for anyone if you are home with the sitter and call me if XXX comes to the door.
That was about it and later when my son helped put the exab's stuff into my car to return, he said, "Hey Mommy, maybe when he gets better, you two can see each other again."
That was so sweet and so sad because I don't think my exab has much chance of getting much better even if he is sober today. That was my dream.
I also did tell my son another girl was involved and wasn't sure if that was TMI but that was a harsh truth I had to face.
When he saw the flower on the door being the wise young man he is, he said, "why did he do that, I thought you said some other girl was involved?"
OUCH out the mouths of babe right? I was so embarrassed, ashamed
and just wanted to go back into denial or crawl under a rock and never come out.
The truth is I'm not sure about the OW because I haven't asked one question, looked at anything on FB, not asked any the people we know together
and stayed away from any information about him whatsoever.
(I am very proud of this too)
OW or not the abuse is the abuse, the disease is the disease and although I want more then anything to just leave this computer right now and drive down to his place or call him, I can't.
Thanks for posting,
Kzen
I understand where you are coming from and I am listening. I just spoke to a woman after a meeting with a similar story to what you just shared.
What I meant about harmless was the feedback I was getting telling me to get a restraining order on him for stalker tendencies.
Since I am trying to continue NC and all he did was leave a flower on my door I thought getting a restraining order the worst thing I could possibly do and would just trigger a whole series of reactions taking me right back into the situation with him.
In defense of the why people suggested this, I thought he took chairs off my porch but found out he didn't and what I meant about harmless was, he isn't contacting me or trying to get a hold of me in anyway.
I'm sure there is incredible harm to my emotional and mental state but I don't really see that because it's all I know and I'm so used to it. Quite honestly I just don't care about myself that much in that way. I'm in so much emotional pain about so much loss I have had, I am probably numb.
The real motivator to in going NC is because there was a possible (OW) and my character defect of jealousy won't allow me to accept that plus I have a 12-year-old son who I can't expose this to. This is just me being really honest.
My son has never seen an alcoholic relapse, he only knows chips, cakes, sobriety birthdays and recovery.
All my friends/sponsor all have 20+ years in both programs so that is all he knows.
However he does see me crying and suffering but he's used to that too because his Dad (not an alcoholic) left me when he was 2 1/2 so I've been crying for years.
The breaking point with the current exab was when I got honest with my sponsor about my exab's relapse. She said you have to tell your son in case he comes to the door drunk- I was mortified, I didn't want to listen to her suggestion.
I thought no, I am going to hide this, that's what I do but she explained in recovery we can't hide or live in denial anymore.
So as awkwardly as you can imagine I told my son.
He knew my guy and liked him of course, because he's a likable guy sober
and he also saw how happy he made me.
So my son's reaction was, "huh? are you sure?" He didn't really know what to think of it but I just told him don't answer the door for anyone if you are home with the sitter and call me if XXX comes to the door.
That was about it and later when my son helped put the exab's stuff into my car to return, he said, "Hey Mommy, maybe when he gets better, you two can see each other again."
That was so sweet and so sad because I don't think my exab has much chance of getting much better even if he is sober today. That was my dream.
I also did tell my son another girl was involved and wasn't sure if that was TMI but that was a harsh truth I had to face.
When he saw the flower on the door being the wise young man he is, he said, "why did he do that, I thought you said some other girl was involved?"
OUCH out the mouths of babe right? I was so embarrassed, ashamed
and just wanted to go back into denial or crawl under a rock and never come out.
The truth is I'm not sure about the OW because I haven't asked one question, looked at anything on FB, not asked any the people we know together
and stayed away from any information about him whatsoever.
(I am very proud of this too)
OW or not the abuse is the abuse, the disease is the disease and although I want more then anything to just leave this computer right now and drive down to his place or call him, I can't.
Thanks for posting,
Kzen
(((Hugs to you)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Hi Refiner,
Well interesting development with the chairs..
My exab didn't take them and the fact I was able to find out without breaking NC was God intervention.
A last minute weird situation happened at work which caused me to run into my exab so I was able to ask him if he took the blasted chairs!!
He said no but admitted that he did leave the rose on the door. ..so I guess someone just randomly took my chairs??
The thing that was good about it was, I wanted to know but I didn't want to call him and I didn't end up having to.
It did trigger a lot of crying later but in the moment I was able to succeed at my job and not loose my composure...I gave him no attention or conversation which was quite the accomplishment because the last time I saw him I was begging for answers about our relationship and in total despair.
That was May 10 so I've come a long way with NC.
ONE MINUTE AT A TIME...
Well interesting development with the chairs..
My exab didn't take them and the fact I was able to find out without breaking NC was God intervention.
A last minute weird situation happened at work which caused me to run into my exab so I was able to ask him if he took the blasted chairs!!
He said no but admitted that he did leave the rose on the door. ..so I guess someone just randomly took my chairs??
The thing that was good about it was, I wanted to know but I didn't want to call him and I didn't end up having to.
It did trigger a lot of crying later but in the moment I was able to succeed at my job and not loose my composure...I gave him no attention or conversation which was quite the accomplishment because the last time I saw him I was begging for answers about our relationship and in total despair.
That was May 10 so I've come a long way with NC.
ONE MINUTE AT A TIME...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
How convenient that a weird situation at work arose where you had to break the no contact that you had been wrestling with regarding your ex.
I used to have a lot of weird situations as well come up during my NC phases with my ex. All were self made manipulations with the sole purpose of feeding my NEED to see him or hear his voice which fed my illness. Kind of like the A needing a shot and a beer.
Nothing positive ever comes from it.
Let the healing begin again.
I used to have a lot of weird situations as well come up during my NC phases with my ex. All were self made manipulations with the sole purpose of feeding my NEED to see him or hear his voice which fed my illness. Kind of like the A needing a shot and a beer.
Nothing positive ever comes from it.
Let the healing begin again.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
kay, I think you're aware of the dangers and coping well. Stay vigilant and strong and it will get easier as time passes. You know your weaknesses and you have your guard up; don't relax for a second.
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Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by atalose
How convenient that a weird situation at work arose where you had to break the no contact that you had been wrestling with regarding your ex.
I used to have a lot of weird situations as well come up during my NC phases with my ex. All were self made manipulations with the sole purpose of feeding my NEED to see him or hear his voice which fed my illness. Kind of like the A needing a shot and a beer.
Nothing positive ever comes from it.
Let the healing begin again.
I used to have a lot of weird situations as well come up during my NC phases with my ex. All were self made manipulations with the sole purpose of feeding my NEED to see him or hear his voice which fed my illness. Kind of like the A needing a shot and a beer.
Nothing positive ever comes from it.
Let the healing begin again.
I had to really check my motives when it happened and think about that for myself.
I wrestled with it-and what the consequences would be either way.
I texted my sponsor immediately and then thought about what would happen if I tried to get out of taking my client to the intake where my exab lives.
If I didn't take him , it would have hurt my client and I would have had to lie to staff about the reason.
So I just prayed and went through with it...the results were positive because at least I now know he didn't take my chairs and I have nothing to worry about that way.
It was upsetting but liberating too because I saw how NC for 32 days had really helped me and that I was better.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by kayleezen
Hi Refiner,
Well interesting development with the chairs..
My exab didn't take them and the fact I was able to find out without breaking NC was God intervention.
A last minute weird situation happened at work which caused me to run into my exab so I was able to ask him if he took the blasted chairs!!
He said no but admitted that he did leave the rose on the door. ..so I guess someone just randomly took my chairs??
The thing that was good about it was, I wanted to know but I didn't want to call him and I didn't end up having to.
It did trigger a lot of crying later but in the moment I was able to succeed at my job and not loose my composure...I gave him no attention or conversation which was quite the accomplishment because the last time I saw him I was begging for answers about our relationship and in total despair.
That was May 10 so I've come a long way with NC.
ONE MINUTE AT A TIME...
Well interesting development with the chairs..
My exab didn't take them and the fact I was able to find out without breaking NC was God intervention.
A last minute weird situation happened at work which caused me to run into my exab so I was able to ask him if he took the blasted chairs!!
He said no but admitted that he did leave the rose on the door. ..so I guess someone just randomly took my chairs??
The thing that was good about it was, I wanted to know but I didn't want to call him and I didn't end up having to.
It did trigger a lot of crying later but in the moment I was able to succeed at my job and not loose my composure...I gave him no attention or conversation which was quite the accomplishment because the last time I saw him I was begging for answers about our relationship and in total despair.
That was May 10 so I've come a long way with NC.
ONE MINUTE AT A TIME...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by TalenCrowhaven
What would you tell your daughter, sister, or best friend if she wrote the above post?
(((Hugs to you)))
(((Hugs to you)))
I would tell her good for you telling your sponsor and son the truth.
Recovery can not live in hiding and lying.
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Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by redatlanta
If he did take the chairs even more reason not to contact. Its stealing, bizarre, and creepy.
If you come home to newly stained chairs one day that's the only time I would break contact to let him know that he is trespassing and if he shows up again or takes something else you'll report him to the police. I would go ahead and file a police report.
I get an icky creepy feeling from your post. Dude is bad news. Please don't make the assumption he needs to make an amends or even suggest it. Its simply opening the door for further contact.
Move along nothing happy to be had here.
If you come home to newly stained chairs one day that's the only time I would break contact to let him know that he is trespassing and if he shows up again or takes something else you'll report him to the police. I would go ahead and file a police report.
I get an icky creepy feeling from your post. Dude is bad news. Please don't make the assumption he needs to make an amends or even suggest it. Its simply opening the door for further contact.
Move along nothing happy to be had here.
I just read your post, sorry for all the crisis you are going through, I can now see based on your experience, strength and hope why your opinion about my exab would be bad news, he's creepy, etc
I have never had police or authorities needed in my situation and I am also in NC. I'm sorry you feel forced to stay in yours but not knowing all the details or being in your shoes I wouldn't say anything about staying or going just words to support you where you are.
kzen
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'm sorry I think you have confused me with someone else. Or did you read my threads from when I joined? If its in reference to why I came here when my husband relapsed yes it was a horrible crisis then.
All is calm on the Western Front - that was several years ago. He got clean and I got straightened out too. Our biggest crisis now a days is an argument (lol) over who gets the remote control to the Roku box. Best to you hope you are doing well.
All is calm on the Western Front - that was several years ago. He got clean and I got straightened out too. Our biggest crisis now a days is an argument (lol) over who gets the remote control to the Roku box. Best to you hope you are doing well.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Sounds like you plan to break the no contact rule at some point. Much like an addict plans their relapse. You keep asking about how long you should wait before you do it, which to me, indicates that you are waiting for the right moment; when maybe you can best get a point across to him.
Why? You need to ask yourself if you want to go back to the way it is now, because this is the best he might treat you if he doesn't get treated and really want recovery. If so, why EVER break the no contact rule?
Why? You need to ask yourself if you want to go back to the way it is now, because this is the best he might treat you if he doesn't get treated and really want recovery. If so, why EVER break the no contact rule?
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Wonderful
Originally Posted by redatlanta
I'm sorry I think you have confused me with someone else. Or did you read my threads from when I joined? If its in reference to why I came here when my husband relapsed yes it was a horrible crisis then.
All is calm on the Western Front - that was several years ago. He got clean and I got straightened out too. Our biggest crisis now a days is an argument (lol) over who gets the remote control to the Roku box. Best to you hope you are doing well.
All is calm on the Western Front - that was several years ago. He got clean and I got straightened out too. Our biggest crisis now a days is an argument (lol) over who gets the remote control to the Roku box. Best to you hope you are doing well.
And maybe I can catch up since I obviously saw something from a long time ago.
Cheers,
kzen
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Originally Posted by Ursula745
Sounds l like you plan to break the no contact rule at some point. Much like an addict plans their relapse. You keep asking about how long you should wait before you do it, which to me, indicates that you are waiting for the right moment; when maybe you can best get a point across to him.
Why? You need to ask yourself if you want to go back to the way it is now, because this is the best he might treat you if he doesn't get treated and really want recovery. If so, why EVER break the no contact rule?
Why? You need to ask yourself if you want to go back to the way it is now, because this is the best he might treat you if he doesn't get treated and really want recovery. If so, why EVER break the no contact rule?
Some chairs went missing and I wanted to know if it was him. Through no contact of my own I found out.
Of course I have many points to make to him but I turn that over, I can not be trusted to make any decision on that.
Only my HP can guide that, just like I was guided with the chairs.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
I met my AH and starting dating him too after only about 3 months of him being sober...we madly fell in love, I moved into his house with my kids, got married (all within 3 months) and he started drinking 3 months after that. I too was working a program, I thought i was well informed and able to handle him drinking...I was not. But we were married, he is my husband...I am going to work this out...I am going to love him enough, stand by his side and he will figure out on his own that he needed to go back to AA and quit drinking...never happened. I think I became addicted to him...to this relationship, even as toxic as it is...I like what another person wrote about that...IMO it sounds like NC is the best thing for you...it will take time to heal...that is what I keep telling myself. Loving an A is not easy...and I think it is harder to walk away because we are the one with the big hearts and feel/give so much more...hugs to you. Thank you for your posting...you motivated me to go to AL Anon meeting tonight.
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