searching peace

I need suggestions please. No judgements! I think the hurt my stbxah causes and probably more to the point, the hurt I allow and the hurt my own codependency has caused is making me think I need to go no contact. I was trying to wait until divorce was final. For those that have read my post know this is my second husband. But I have loved this man my entire life since we were 8. There has never been a time in all of those years even us married to other people that we didn't talk. This isn't like my other marriage. I was able to leave and it was easy to go no contact with him. But my stbxah is someone that I truly wanted in my life. I know I need to put distance between us so I don't keep thinking our marriage has a chance. It is just something I am not sure I will be able to do. Any suggestions on how to do this or what has worked for you on going no contact? How do you not care if they are ok or not? How do you block someone that won't have a way to reach you if they do change or need something etc?

horsegirl

Hi, I'm doing no contact with the man that I loved with all me heart, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We were together 11 years. I have to maintain no contact if I am going to heal. No other way around it. I do not think I will ever get over him totally, (I'm 50 and do not see another big love in my future) , but I am learning to live without him. I gave him to God and am letting him live the life he wants., I am powerless over him and the decisions he makes. It has been over two months, while I think about him every day, the pain is getting less. It's time now for me to stop dreaming of reconciliation, as this just keeps me stuck. I am very sad and I worry about him ,but try to remember to give it to my higher power ,my love is in gods hands now.

redatlanta

Searching - You have a child with him correct? I think you could lay boundary for contact and become more stringent about it. Not sure I would advise blocking him if he has custody of your child part of the time.

Hawkeye13

How about texting / email only about child and no phone or personal meetings?

Anything legal should go between lawyers.

Give yourself some time and space away as you've been through a very tough time.

searching peace

No, my three children are from my first husband. And they are all old enough to have contact with him on their own if they choose. He has basically abandoned all three. But my son sometimes sees him or talks to him. My son is like me in the regard it is difficult for him to understand another person's behavior that is so foreign to anything he would do. And he keeps thinking his dad will all of a sudden change and be a dad to him and his sisters. But not an A and not my current husband.

jjj111

Searching, you asked about how you can let go of the worry about whether they are OK. One of the things that helped me go no contact with my last AXBF was to accept that his well being was between him and his higher power. He was really never mine to take care of or protect. I was never that powerful.

I had a look at your old posts, and you have been through so much with this guy, domestic violence, emotional abuse, financial abuse. I think it's terrific that you are thinking about going NC. You have come a long way, and how wonderful that your father left you this legacy of a house where you and your children can be safe. You don't share any children with this guy and there is really no reason for you to be in contact at this point. Why not hand him over to his higher power and focus your love and energy on yourself and your children?

FeelingGreat

SP, if you're strong enough not to contact him, then blocking him may be unnecessary. You could draw up strict business-like guidelines about what contact you'd respond to, like legal matters. Otherwise NC.

If you don't feel you can be strong enough, then any contact should be direct through your lawyer, or a third party, and you can block him.

kayleezen

Hi Searching Peace~ I just went through this with someone who felt like family to me, my soul mate. I was down for life. This is what I did to go NC and heal.

1. I wrote prayers for him every day. I prayed for his spiritual awakening and for God to reveal it's will for me in the relationship
2. I wrote prayers for myself. "God please show me what you would have me do in this relationship."
3. I read everything I could on NC and the benefits.

I took it one minute at a time, it was hard and some days I'd drive around not knowing where to go, completely lost on my way to his house and someone would call right at that moment and I'd pull over.

I forced myself to meetings and to share- I took it easy on myself, very easy. Mornings were the worst, I almost broke down many times but I didn't.

It's 31 days today and I found (not by asking) he's still sober and okay.
He put a rose on my door and that was my sign. He can't do anything like that when's he's drunk, he can't even walk. I'm still in NC until I don't know when but it's ODAT

Your HP will reveal to you if he is okay .in a gentle way, in a way that is not harmful.
When you go NC, things get quiet and both of you will begin to heal.

Have faith, we are here for you.

redatlanta

May I ask the context of your contact with him currently? You are still in process of divorce now I see you do not have kids.

I can't think of any reason why you should be in contact. The only thing between the two of you currently is a legal proceeding which should be handled by your attorneys.

You mention that you are still hoping your marriage has a chance did I read that correctly? Is this why you are still in contact with him?

searching peace

Redatlanta,
Yes as embarrassed as I am to admit this to you and on here where everyone knows what I have been through. Yes you read that correctly, I stupidly do want to save my marriage and yes that is why I have had contact with him. Durning this last year since his arrest, we have opened up to eachother more than we ever have since college. We have been open about our own short comings and how we were working on them. We have discussed the abuse and he has told me he doesn't want to do that anymore, etc. He is still living away from our home. He is afraid to come home. Everyone is telling him that if I call the police again, he will go to jail for a very long time. He is afraid he will loose his temper with me or that things will go back to the way they were before the arrest of he moves back in. But I have seen him become much calmer, more patient over this past year. What hurts now, is that he is away from the home. I am here alone with the kids. He makes plans with me on weekends and then breaks them. I think this is so he can drink and be alone. I feel isolated, alone and abandoned when he does this. He has more than alcoholism going on. There is some really messed up thinking and psychological issues. He has kept me at arms distance since we got married. He doesn't want me to be around his kids. His ex wife that is remarried doesn't like me and doesn't want the kids to have a relationship with me. His oldest that is a senior in high school has been manipulative since we first started dating. I understand kids all want their parents to get back together and she thinks I am standing in the way. She told him if he stays married to me, she will not be around me and will not come over to the city we live in. I have witnessed her behavior so I am not taking my stbxah's word on this. All of this plays with his head and he feels guilty for being with me and my kids and it is the reason he has and keeps pushing me away and is really the root for his abuse of me. He ex and his kids have made him feel very very guilty for being married to me. They have used that guilt to really get to him and come between us. His father was abusive to him, and he goes above and beyond for his kids so that they have the opposite experience with him. Unfortunately, he treats me the way his father treated his mother or worse. But he is aware of that and is trying not to behave that way anymore. The hurt of not being around him all of the time and him pushing me away to pull me back in is gut wrenching to me. I do not know if it is due to alcohol or just a way for emotional abuse or due to his guilt over the kids etc. but regardless of why, it is destroying me. I can't keep being strung along and so that is why I am considering NC.

searching peace

Well I guess my question no longer matters. My stbxah went no contact with me yesterday. He told me he loved me on Saturday and was planning our future together and then Sunday went no contact and I have texted him and emailed him. I know he has received the texts. He cut off all forms of financial support and it is against the judges orders, so I have an appointment with my attorney on Wednesday. I hate not knowing what happened. But at this point, if he is able to treat me the way he does and not care about me or my kids or our well being then I need to get over him. I keep thinking about our friendship and knowing him my whole
Life. But he isn't thinking about that or me or anything but himself. I am beyond sad. But hopefully I won't be pulled back in again. I think one reason this is so difficult is I have had to relive being dumped over and over by him. He pulls me back in just to hurt me again.

firebolt

(((SP)))

You have a lot more power than you think. This is your chance - to get stronger, to heal, to recover, to take care of yourself, and to be with people that TRULY love you.

He'll probably come sad-sacking back to you at some point with a big story and a bunch of nice things to say. If you grab a hold of this time without his quacking, and focus everything on you - on making a great life for yourself by yourself, and being the best person you can be which starts by being good to yourself, you'll be ready for it when he does. You will have realized how much better your life is without him in it.

Sending you lots of peace and (((HUGS)))

searching peace

Thank you fire bolt and everyone for all of you kinda words of encouragement. He called tonight. I answered and he began to just go off on me and saying things that he says are the cause of him divorcing me which are not true. He said I keep him from being with his kids. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I encourage him and support him to go to where they live and be a part of their lives and always wanted them to come to our home. But his ex stopped that a few years ago. He is very over the top with his kids and she knows this. She knew keeping them away from me would drive a wedge and she has used those kids to come between us. Right before his trip last week, he told me that he does see his oldest daughter as manipulative. But, then he goes into this crazy talk and crazy thinking and blaming me for them not being with him. I told him tonight if he is going to blame me for something to please make it something that is real and not something in not doing. At one point in the conversation he was getting angry with me for different things and he got mad that I sent him a text when he was on the phone with someone and he was saying I was relentless and then he just screamed at me to leave him alone. It was so harsh that it took my breath away. I couldn't speak after that. I was crying but didn't want him to hear me crying and I just couldn't say anything. It was much worse than it sounds. Whenever he is away from me for more than a day without seeing me, he does this. He becomes mean and nasty and puts up these huge walls. Tonight was bad. And as much as I wish and have prayed for him to be normal in his thinking, he isn't. He blames me for his kids being moved away. And he blames me for all the bad in his life. I love the man he has been with me all of the years before his kids moved away. But since then, he has been horrible to me. And I am not getting anything from this marriage or relationship except someone being angry with me all of the time and always yelling at me and blaming me. I really tried to save my marriage, my friendship with him. I tried everything I could to be a good wife to him. But nothing I ever did or said mattered to him. And he can walk away from this life long friendship without thinking twice is awful. There is nothing I ever could have done to please him longer than a day and I now know that. I hate it. But I cannot do anything for him to see the reality. His ex and his children don't want him with me and he has and is allowing them to dictate how he treats me. I'm sorry this is long. I am going to go try to find something else to focus on right now. Being rejected, especially when I have given everything I could have and tried and been willing to do anything to save a marriage and still being rejected and discounted really is the worst thing I have ever felt. Divorce is so much worse than a death. If someone dies, they didn't choose to leave you and people feel sorry for you and there is no shame and no one thinks you did anything wrong. In divorce you are left alone and they chose to leave you. How can I have been going through this since October 2012 when I found out he was an alcoholic and still be so sad and distraught over his rejection of me.

jjj111

SP, remember that you can always hang up, turn off the phone, block his number, etc. Why keep letting him yell at you? I know how hard it is. I was always like a deer caught in headlights when my AXBF started raging. Going NC started for me with turning off the phone periodically. The peace and quiet was so great that I decided I wanted it all the time!

AnvilheadII

trust me hon, it IS worse when someone we love DIES. my first husband, my daughter's dad, died shortly after she graduated from college. we separated when she was ONE but remained great co-parents through out since he died I have had to solo parent.....there have been countless times I wish he was HERE to help me thru the next phase of our daughter's life.

I have had many conversations with brian in my car......that's when he shows up and tell me everything is gonna work out. chill out. i'm doing a good job. alhto divorced for many years, I helped the family plan his final arrangements....cremation and memorial service. while his long term GF was "unable" to speak, I took the podium for brian's memorial service. I helped pick out the music.

this was one of the tunes and what he says to me in our "car" meetings: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYCpWblDKok

I wish every day that brian was still here. his baby girl NEEDS him....as it is she is stuck with me.



SHE hasn't had a dad for 13 years. i'm all she's got. she doesn't even have a drunk dad off somewhere.........

Praying

It is gut-wrenching. My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry. I know this feeling.

Remember this--there is no shame in your behavior. You will eventually find peace knowing you did everything you could. Hold your head high for that effort. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Be proud.

My XAH began a public affair when he moved out "to work on himself" (he didn't know it was public and denied it the whole time...in my loving denial I half-believed his lies, which is crazy looking back). Long story, but in the end he married her 6 days after our divorce was final. I was afraid of what people would think if XAH could throw me away after two decades. How awful could I be that I couldn't keep that marriage? Especially compared to the woman he chose!! I'd look around at other women who were just awful to their husbands and wonder why It was ME. I really tried, forgave, and loved. I really was a GOOD wife. I struggled with this pain until my heart finally accepted my brain's hammering words...his rejection didn't define me as a person unless I allowed it to. And his rejection meant absolutely nothing at the end of the day anyway, because it came from his own set of warped values and behaviors. Deep down I knew better. But how could a man who knew me so deeply and loved me reject me so harshly?

In my case I believe that as my alanon-ish behaviors increased once I understood addiction, his anger that he couldn't hide from himself or blame me increased, so he had to find validation elsewhere. He tried to make me feel like garbage along the way. It was utter heLL.

He never filed for divorce, by the way. I had to do it even though he was the one who wanted out. Realistically he wanted to keep me there to leave and return if he needed me. Then he blamed me for "wanting out" when I was exhausted. I was on a rope he yanked around until I got the courage to cut it. (Yours might not actually follow through either- words are cheap.)

Today...I'm proud I DID file. I didn't give up. I chose to love myself half as much as I had loved him. And God (my HP) smiled on me.

Sending you tight hugs. I know these words may sound hollow today...but I believe better days will come.

searching peace

Thank you Praying! Your words really help and o will read them probably more than once or twice.

Anvil, I'm sorry for your loss. My first husband the father of my children abandoned them and it has only been me as their parent for the past 10 years. So I understand the feelings of having to do the parenting alone. My pint was her father would have given anything to be there with her and to help you parent. My first husband chose to leave his kids and chose not to be a parent and my current husband is choosing to leave me and not be with me, as my friend, my husband nothing. I apologize if I offended you. I did not mean to. I was speaking for my own pain. I have had a much more difficult time with my husband leaving than I did with my fathers death. And my father and I were extremely close. I would not choose to leave someone that wanted to make thing work in a relationship as badly as I did. Again, I apologize for offending you.

searching peace

Praying, I'm sorry for all you went through. And you are correct his affair and his marriage after your divorce has everything to do with his inadequacies and nothing to do with your worth.

Praying

Thank you! Looking back now, I wouldn't trade it. I'm so much more... REAL... than I think I'd have ever been in a different life. I was divorced a little over two years ago, but sometimes I can barely remember it, like it was a lifetime ago. That's how much things can change when they change. I am so serene and content. And I know who I am.

You'll find light if you keep on walking. Day by day. The pain does stop.

redatlanta

I am sorry for all this SP. Your STBXAH has a problem with any accountability. It is true that many times Ex's will use the children for manipulation. I look at that a couple of ways - this is something your XAH knew was going to happen upon entering a marriage with you, it already was happening . He had a choice to not marry you and play by "her" rules. I wouldn't let anyone dictate my life that way, but I do have to put it out there he did make the choice to. Secondly he had legal rights to these kids and should "she" choose not to play by Judge's order your XAH had recourse through the Court system. If he chose not to do that that was also HIS choice inclusive of stopping them from moving.

I'm going to be straight up honest here in what I perceive is going on. You have remained in contact with this man throughout this entire ordeal, you were in contact with him when there was a P.O. and you were explicitly told not to, I now see your contact has been very frequent and that you have seen him quite a bit. If I am to understand what you wrote he gets very nasty if he hasn't seen you for a day. BTW you don't have the power to be the difference between whether he gets nasty or not. His is nasty period.

Yet the divorce is still moving forward its never stopped. I hope this is a wake up call to you to stop being this mans doormat because I feel his continued contact with you is to manipulate you through the divorce proceeding. I think you are very hung up on romanticizing this relationship due to loving this person from the age of 8. I don't blame you there because it is romantic if he was a decent human being. He's not though. He is an abusive alcoholic who has been arrested for abusing you and whom continues his tirades against you weekly.

There has to be something in you that is dying by allowing this kind of treatment. The more you put up with it and allow it there worse you feel about yourself. Why is it that you have waited this long to go back to Court when he has not been paying you? I know why. Promises, promises, promises. If he was intending to get back together with you why is that Divorce still on the docket? Why is he still living separate from you? OH because his ex-wife!!! The Kids!!! Oh poor me I don't get to see my children!! Oh my children won't have anything to do with me if I get back together with YOU! He's a rotten father. He has kicked your children to the curb like a bag of trash and if you think he has been such a stellar example and father figure to his own kids you are sadly mistaken. You are his "beard" of excuse to neglect, abuse, and drink.

Lots of hugs SP, lots of them. Lets get you on the road to recovery. You don't deserve this treatment, you don't owe him squat. You owe him nothing.