No contact
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Thank you redatlanta. That is what I needed to hear. And you are right. He has made these choices and he did know exactly what he was getting into. And every action he has ever had towards me has been a manipulation or abusive. And you are so right, I have romanticized him and our relationship. You are right on everything you said. And I'm sure you are right, I'm sure he is just doing this to manipulate the divorce. The reason it hasn't gone to court yet was because it was supposed to be heard in March, I had not hired an attorney and his attorney was trying to bully me into things. A week before court, I finally hired an attorney. I have a meeting with him on Wednesday and the new court date is scheduled for September. I didn't mind it dragging on because I was trying to find a job and he was paying status quo. And I had hoped stupidly that things would change and he would want to try to work at our marriage. I dropped the DV charges against him. Well I talked the city attorney into dropping them. The PO is still in place but that is because it was moved to the divorce court when he filed for divorce and nothing has been done with it. I thought he had changed this year. But his verbal, emotional and financial abuse have remained as you pointed out. And yes I guess it has been weekly tirades. I'm scared. I'm scared to be completely alone and try to support my three kids on my own. I don't have a college degree and I can't seem to find a job. I wanted someone to go through life with. I do not like the way he treats me 98% of the time. I guess I keep hoping and praying the person he was before his kids moved would somehow come back. I know how irrational his thinking is and I just think maybe he will start thinking rationally and normal. But you are right I have got to figure this all out and find a way to move forward and not take this from him anymore. I need to find the strength not to respond to his text or his phone calls. I know I need to give up on any hope I have of things changing. Knowing these things and doing something about them seem very far apart to me right now. My brain knows the truth but my emotions seem to take over.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's ok to love someone from a distance. I don't think that you can just switch off feelings, but I do think you can rationalize out in your own head if it's good for you to be in contact or not. That just because you love a person does not mean you should be with them or speak to them. Some we love are toxic to our own selves.
Tight, very tight, hugs. XXX
Tight, very tight, hugs. XXX
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'm scared to be completely alone
Well, what did he do to alleviate any issues for you of being alone other than running his trap?
Who manages the house? YOU
Who takes care of the kids? YOU
Who finds a way to manage with no money? YOU
Who seeks out ways to help themselves?YOU
Who cooks dinner? YOU
Who transports the kids where they need to go? YOU
Who listens to him blather on about himself? YOU
Actually who does it all? YOU
What does stbxah do? ZIP, NOTHING, ZERO.
Ok - so being alone is something you already are and probably were in your marriage as well. You do alone just fine. Its ridiculous for me to pose to you that you can and will meet someone else its so meaningless when you are upset like this - but that isn't the last man you will ever be with unless you want it to be.
Take all that focus off him and put it on you in positive ways. How about getting a degree, or a trade? How about doing something you always wanted to and never did. Its best to get yourself to a point you never have to rely on another human being to survive. Very empowering.
Well, what did he do to alleviate any issues for you of being alone other than running his trap?
Who manages the house? YOU
Who takes care of the kids? YOU
Who finds a way to manage with no money? YOU
Who seeks out ways to help themselves?YOU
Who cooks dinner? YOU
Who transports the kids where they need to go? YOU
Who listens to him blather on about himself? YOU
Actually who does it all? YOU
What does stbxah do? ZIP, NOTHING, ZERO.
Ok - so being alone is something you already are and probably were in your marriage as well. You do alone just fine. Its ridiculous for me to pose to you that you can and will meet someone else its so meaningless when you are upset like this - but that isn't the last man you will ever be with unless you want it to be.
Take all that focus off him and put it on you in positive ways. How about getting a degree, or a trade? How about doing something you always wanted to and never did. Its best to get yourself to a point you never have to rely on another human being to survive. Very empowering.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Redatlanta, thank you so much for your posts. You have helped me so much today. I agree about being self sufficient and not ever depending on anyone financially again. I have applied to so many jobs. I have thought about going back to school. I am a gemologist by trade. But haven't worked in the industry for 20 years. I do a lot of renovations on homes and thought about getting my contractors license. I think a woman would be great at that because we are detail oriented and most of the time it is the wife that is making the decisions on the renovations. I'm in the process of doing work on the little house we bought. I have the thought of selling it if so have to. And if I don't get a job soon, I will have to sell it. I cannot afford to move in right now. I can't afford to pay movers and I cannot afford utilities to live in the house. I hope I get some money from the sale of this house in order to help me until I figure things out.
I sent my husband a text today. I told him I was walking away. I told him how much I love him and how I have done all I have known to do and that him not wanting to see me or spend time with me was not how to repair a marriage. I addressed the issue of his kids and explained I would never stop him from having any relationship with them and that I only encouraged and supported him seeing them as much and as often as possible. I said a lot of things. But I told him I am going away and if he wants a friendship, relationship or marriage with me then to please let me know. I reminded him how important our marriage was to me and how serious I took my vows to him. I asked his forgiveness and once again asked him to give me and the marriage another chance.
I do not know if it is my very strong faith, my unwavering commitment to him and my strong loyalty to him that is keeping me to continue to want to try or if it is my extreme codependency. I did find a codependent group that meets on Tuesday nights on my city. And im going to go next week. Tonight we celebrated my daughters 20rh birthday.
I have read so many people on here doing things and I can easily see from the outside how district ice or code it is. But I don't know with me. I want to let go. I want to walk away. But something inside of me is telling me to keep fighting for this man. Not to give up on him or us. I know logically and realistically I should walk away and never look back. But because I grew up with my husband, I know what he went through as a child. I know how abusive his dad was and I know how unhealthy his home life was. If he was anyone else, I would have left years ago.
Redatlanta, you make so much sense and give me so much strength. I'm really going to need your help in the next few days. I am going to try not to contact him. I'm going to try to focus on me and my children. I'm going to try to move forward and have a plan for my life. I just have never ever thought my husband wouldn't be on my life. But he is sick and I know that. He won't forgive me for the arrest, he doesn't see that he did anything wrong to get arrested. He blames me for so many things and has convinced himself and his family and friends that I am someone I am not. He thinks of me as some horrible person. And I would go way out of my way to not hurt someone. I only want to have a positive impact on all that I interact with. I just don't get how he can tell me he loves me and wants us to move forward in our marriage and then leave for a week with his daughters talk to me and tell me he loves me on the phone in front of them and the get back and not want anything to do with me. I don't understand it, but I accept it is what it is. And I am beginning my no contact tonight.
I sent my husband a text today. I told him I was walking away. I told him how much I love him and how I have done all I have known to do and that him not wanting to see me or spend time with me was not how to repair a marriage. I addressed the issue of his kids and explained I would never stop him from having any relationship with them and that I only encouraged and supported him seeing them as much and as often as possible. I said a lot of things. But I told him I am going away and if he wants a friendship, relationship or marriage with me then to please let me know. I reminded him how important our marriage was to me and how serious I took my vows to him. I asked his forgiveness and once again asked him to give me and the marriage another chance.
I do not know if it is my very strong faith, my unwavering commitment to him and my strong loyalty to him that is keeping me to continue to want to try or if it is my extreme codependency. I did find a codependent group that meets on Tuesday nights on my city. And im going to go next week. Tonight we celebrated my daughters 20rh birthday.
I have read so many people on here doing things and I can easily see from the outside how district ice or code it is. But I don't know with me. I want to let go. I want to walk away. But something inside of me is telling me to keep fighting for this man. Not to give up on him or us. I know logically and realistically I should walk away and never look back. But because I grew up with my husband, I know what he went through as a child. I know how abusive his dad was and I know how unhealthy his home life was. If he was anyone else, I would have left years ago.
Redatlanta, you make so much sense and give me so much strength. I'm really going to need your help in the next few days. I am going to try not to contact him. I'm going to try to focus on me and my children. I'm going to try to move forward and have a plan for my life. I just have never ever thought my husband wouldn't be on my life. But he is sick and I know that. He won't forgive me for the arrest, he doesn't see that he did anything wrong to get arrested. He blames me for so many things and has convinced himself and his family and friends that I am someone I am not. He thinks of me as some horrible person. And I would go way out of my way to not hurt someone. I only want to have a positive impact on all that I interact with. I just don't get how he can tell me he loves me and wants us to move forward in our marriage and then leave for a week with his daughters talk to me and tell me he loves me on the phone in front of them and the get back and not want anything to do with me. I don't understand it, but I accept it is what it is. And I am beginning my no contact tonight.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Food for thought, as I felt very similarly to you regarding wanting to keep that door open--if you don't act, you don't act. It's fine to tell him to show you a sign or say he wants it, but if he doesn't jump back in WITH BOTH FEET, it's time to act, or you'll remain in limbo and the pain will go on indefinitely. I hear in your words that maybe you just aren't ready yet. That's okay, but most likely the words are wasted on him and will only increase your agony.
For me, I filed for divorce and planned a cross-country move "home" with our kids...all the while holding a glimmer of hope that someday our paths might cross again if he chose to get his act together. I really believed in him. I really thought we were meant to be together. But--the day I truly chose to leave I said nothing else. I told him this is what you've said many times, I am filing for divorce, this is best for me and the kids. No reasons, no feelings. He'd heard them all before. He could have fought it if he wanted to. I did leave him a very sweet letter praying that he faces himself and approaches life with no fear--and saying that I would always believe in him and be in his corner. But nothing face to face.
It's okay to still believe in him. But your prayers, your love, your strength--cannot replace his own. Sometimes it's better to believe from afar. I'd seriously consider ratcheting up the aggressiveness in the divorce/DV process. Show him you mean business and you're not going to mess around. (IF you mean business...)
For me, I filed for divorce and planned a cross-country move "home" with our kids...all the while holding a glimmer of hope that someday our paths might cross again if he chose to get his act together. I really believed in him. I really thought we were meant to be together. But--the day I truly chose to leave I said nothing else. I told him this is what you've said many times, I am filing for divorce, this is best for me and the kids. No reasons, no feelings. He'd heard them all before. He could have fought it if he wanted to. I did leave him a very sweet letter praying that he faces himself and approaches life with no fear--and saying that I would always believe in him and be in his corner. But nothing face to face.
It's okay to still believe in him. But your prayers, your love, your strength--cannot replace his own. Sometimes it's better to believe from afar. I'd seriously consider ratcheting up the aggressiveness in the divorce/DV process. Show him you mean business and you're not going to mess around. (IF you mean business...)
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
SP, you have a very strong emotional bond with him which you can't seem to break, even though it's obvious your marriage isn't viable. He's abused you physically and emotionally, his ties to his family are too strong, he's an A, and he's at the mercy of the ex and his children and you come a distant second. That's harsh I know, but those are just the bald facts (and I've been in your shoes).
If you can't give up hope, all you can do is hang onto your pride and dignity and power through your pain. Don't contact him at all. Don't answer when he calls to rave at you. Don't leave yourself open to manipulation if he tells you he still loves you. You must be as strong as you've ever been. It will hurt like hell, but at least you'll have your pride, and your self-esteem will grow. You're going to need that to set up a strong future for yourself and your family. You seem to be good at self-sacrifice, so you can frame it that way, except this time you're sacrificing for your children.
Are you seeing a therapist, or doing anything for your mental health?
I've been through a similar situation and had to try lots of little things to make it better. After a year or so, I realised with surprise things were getting better, I just hadn't noticed. So it's worth setting yourself out a program of recovery and goals even if they don't seem to be helping at first.
If you can't give up hope, all you can do is hang onto your pride and dignity and power through your pain. Don't contact him at all. Don't answer when he calls to rave at you. Don't leave yourself open to manipulation if he tells you he still loves you. You must be as strong as you've ever been. It will hurt like hell, but at least you'll have your pride, and your self-esteem will grow. You're going to need that to set up a strong future for yourself and your family. You seem to be good at self-sacrifice, so you can frame it that way, except this time you're sacrificing for your children.
Are you seeing a therapist, or doing anything for your mental health?
I've been through a similar situation and had to try lots of little things to make it better. After a year or so, I realised with surprise things were getting better, I just hadn't noticed. So it's worth setting yourself out a program of recovery and goals even if they don't seem to be helping at first.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I agree about being self sufficient and not ever depending on anyone financially again.
In my estimation this is why you are having such a hard time getting rid of him. I'm not discounting your feelings for him - but lets face it you are in a bad predicament without his financial help. That is a scary place to be. Money (believe it or not) is the easiest thing to rectify because emotions are not involved, and there is no such thing as a debtors jail. You have skills. Like the idea of getting a contractors license look into the requirements. If you have a FB why don't you post that you are looking to get some work in this field, or just ask your friends to put it out there. You may be surprised to find you are employed quickly.
I told him I was walking away. then.....But I told him I am going away and if he wants a friendship, relationship or marriage with me then to please let me know. I reminded him how important our marriage was to me and how serious I took my vows to him. I asked his forgiveness and once again asked him to give me and the marriage another chance. This seems manipulative to me. You threaten to walk away then close with ....please give the marriage another chance. This kind of response is very conflicting. I think you are trying to scare him that you are done, but not really. Come on SP. Sometimes it really is better to just say nothing. No one is forcing you to say to him "I'm done", so if you aren't you aren't, but you don't have to tell him that. This is very transparent to me and I am sure to him as well.
or if it is my extreme codependency. I'd say so. Good on the meetings keep up with them.
I just don't get how he can tell me he loves me and wants us to move forward in our marriage and then leave for a week with his daughters talk to me and tell me he loves me on the phone in front of them and the get back and not want anything to do with me. Mmmmm because you are in the midst of a divorce and he is trying to manipulate you for a better settlement. He is not paying you the temporary alimony or whatever it is he is supposed to me paying. He knows how to push every button on your body. I would not be surprised that if he is looking at contempt for failure to pay he suggest you move back in together or something of that nature. His actions of manipulation are equally as transparent as your own to try and plead with him to stay with you. In other words he is having his cake and eating it too. Do you see this?
He thinks of me as some horrible person. And you desire to stay married to a person who thinks this of you? Come on. He has the freedom to think what he wants. You cannot control that. Seems to me its important for you to be "RIGHT" as far as his perception of you. Move along from needing to be right or to solicit an admission from him that you are a nice person. You know who you are you don't need this man to define it for you.
He won't forgive me for the arrest More reason to move on lest your idea of a positive relationship is to pay him back forever for being arrested for abusing you. Every time he ever does something wrong it will be blamed shifted to you for having him arrested for physically abusing you.
You can do this. Keep your focus on becoming financially independent. An idle mind is the Devil's playground. Finding a job can be a job itself. It will help your self esteem tremendously just trying. I really feel if you can make progression in this area you wouldn't put up with as much of his crap.
In my estimation this is why you are having such a hard time getting rid of him. I'm not discounting your feelings for him - but lets face it you are in a bad predicament without his financial help. That is a scary place to be. Money (believe it or not) is the easiest thing to rectify because emotions are not involved, and there is no such thing as a debtors jail. You have skills. Like the idea of getting a contractors license look into the requirements. If you have a FB why don't you post that you are looking to get some work in this field, or just ask your friends to put it out there. You may be surprised to find you are employed quickly.
I told him I was walking away. then.....But I told him I am going away and if he wants a friendship, relationship or marriage with me then to please let me know. I reminded him how important our marriage was to me and how serious I took my vows to him. I asked his forgiveness and once again asked him to give me and the marriage another chance. This seems manipulative to me. You threaten to walk away then close with ....please give the marriage another chance. This kind of response is very conflicting. I think you are trying to scare him that you are done, but not really. Come on SP. Sometimes it really is better to just say nothing. No one is forcing you to say to him "I'm done", so if you aren't you aren't, but you don't have to tell him that. This is very transparent to me and I am sure to him as well.
or if it is my extreme codependency. I'd say so. Good on the meetings keep up with them.
I just don't get how he can tell me he loves me and wants us to move forward in our marriage and then leave for a week with his daughters talk to me and tell me he loves me on the phone in front of them and the get back and not want anything to do with me. Mmmmm because you are in the midst of a divorce and he is trying to manipulate you for a better settlement. He is not paying you the temporary alimony or whatever it is he is supposed to me paying. He knows how to push every button on your body. I would not be surprised that if he is looking at contempt for failure to pay he suggest you move back in together or something of that nature. His actions of manipulation are equally as transparent as your own to try and plead with him to stay with you. In other words he is having his cake and eating it too. Do you see this?
He thinks of me as some horrible person. And you desire to stay married to a person who thinks this of you? Come on. He has the freedom to think what he wants. You cannot control that. Seems to me its important for you to be "RIGHT" as far as his perception of you. Move along from needing to be right or to solicit an admission from him that you are a nice person. You know who you are you don't need this man to define it for you.
He won't forgive me for the arrest More reason to move on lest your idea of a positive relationship is to pay him back forever for being arrested for abusing you. Every time he ever does something wrong it will be blamed shifted to you for having him arrested for physically abusing you.
You can do this. Keep your focus on becoming financially independent. An idle mind is the Devil's playground. Finding a job can be a job itself. It will help your self esteem tremendously just trying. I really feel if you can make progression in this area you wouldn't put up with as much of his crap.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
In my estimation this is why you are having such a hard time getting rid of him. I'm not discounting your feelings for him - but lets face it you are in a bad predicament without his financial help. That is a scary place to be. Money (believe it or not) is the easiest thing to rectify because emotions are not involved, and there is no such thing as a debtors jail. You have skills. Like the idea of getting a contractors license look into the requirements. If you have a FB why don't you post that you are looking to get some work in this field, or just ask your friends to put it out there. You may be surprised to find you are employed quickly.
I told him I was walking away. then.....But I told him I am going away and if he wants a friendship, relationship or marriage with me then to please let me know. I reminded him how important our marriage was to me and how serious I took my vows to him. I asked his forgiveness and once again asked him to give me and the marriage another chance. This seems manipulative to me. You threaten to walk away then close with ....please give the marriage another chance. This kind of response is very conflicting. I think you are trying to scare him that you are done, but not really. Come on SP. Sometimes it really is better to just say nothing. No one is forcing you to say to him "I'm done", so if you aren't you aren't, but you don't have to tell him that. This is very transparent to me and I am sure to him as well.
*-I didn't look at this as being manipulative. I wasn't trying to be. I am very confused and he has sent me mixed messages. I have said to him, to my attorney, to everyone that I want to save my marriage. I love my husband very much. I do not like the way he has treated me or some of his behaviors. But I love this man and would do anything to have a healthy marriage with him.
He thinks of me as some horrible person. And you desire to stay married to a person who thinks this of you? Come on. He has the freedom to think what he wants. You cannot control that. Seems to me its important for you to be "RIGHT" as far as his perception of you. Move along from needing to be right or to solicit an admission from him that you are a nice person. You know who you are you don't need this man to define it for you.
*- I do not want to be "right" in this scenario. But I do care what he thinks of me. To me, in my mind, he is still my husband and his opinion of me matters more than anyone else's while we are still married.
I told him I was walking away. then.....But I told him I am going away and if he wants a friendship, relationship or marriage with me then to please let me know. I reminded him how important our marriage was to me and how serious I took my vows to him. I asked his forgiveness and once again asked him to give me and the marriage another chance. This seems manipulative to me. You threaten to walk away then close with ....please give the marriage another chance. This kind of response is very conflicting. I think you are trying to scare him that you are done, but not really. Come on SP. Sometimes it really is better to just say nothing. No one is forcing you to say to him "I'm done", so if you aren't you aren't, but you don't have to tell him that. This is very transparent to me and I am sure to him as well.
*-I didn't look at this as being manipulative. I wasn't trying to be. I am very confused and he has sent me mixed messages. I have said to him, to my attorney, to everyone that I want to save my marriage. I love my husband very much. I do not like the way he has treated me or some of his behaviors. But I love this man and would do anything to have a healthy marriage with him.
He thinks of me as some horrible person. And you desire to stay married to a person who thinks this of you? Come on. He has the freedom to think what he wants. You cannot control that. Seems to me its important for you to be "RIGHT" as far as his perception of you. Move along from needing to be right or to solicit an admission from him that you are a nice person. You know who you are you don't need this man to define it for you.
*- I do not want to be "right" in this scenario. But I do care what he thinks of me. To me, in my mind, he is still my husband and his opinion of me matters more than anyone else's while we are still married.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by searching peace 
But I do care what he thinks of me. To me, in my mind, he is still my husband and his opinion of me matters more than anyone else's while we are still married.
I grew up in an addicted home. I was taught to value myself only through what others thought of me (or appeared to think of me anyway, who can really ever know something like that).
Learning to value, love, and respect myself was key for me in letting go of toxic relationships. I don't see anything healthy or nurturing or respectful in what you describe with this man. I only see you projecting what you hope he is or could be onto someone who has repeatedly shown you his true self. You can try to figure out his motives and real feelings and desires until the cows come home, but it costs you. It costs you time and energy you could be pouring into the only relationship you are guaranteed to have for the rest of your life -- the one you have with yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Thank you sparkle kitty, and I don't take anything yall are saying as a dig. I am very appreciative of all input. I know I am having a difficult time seeing my reality while in the middle of this. And yes you are right, I am trying to get back the man I fell in love with at 8, and again in high school and college and even after our failed marriages. It wasn't until his ex moved the kids away that he became this person he is now. So you are correct I am trying to make him into something he is not at the moment.
I really appreciate your and redatlantas input along with everyone else. I have said before it is easy for me to see someone else's situation clearly, mine not so much. I am truly trying to concentrate on me as much as I can. Thank you again!!!
I really appreciate your and redatlantas input along with everyone else. I have said before it is easy for me to see someone else's situation clearly, mine not so much. I am truly trying to concentrate on me as much as I can. Thank you again!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Dandylion often reminds people that the two greatest gifts we can give ourselves when we are feeling lost, confused, hurt, etc., are TIME and SPACE.
A little distance from the situation may give you the perspective you need to untangle this. Yes, that means No Contact. At least for awhile. I know that is hard, but it may be the only thing that helps you get unstuck.
A little distance from the situation may give you the perspective you need to untangle this. Yes, that means No Contact. At least for awhile. I know that is hard, but it may be the only thing that helps you get unstuck.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sometimes I think partners of alcoholics avoid things like "no contact" for the same reason alcoholics avoid AA--what if it WORKS? What if I do get healthy and move on and give up all my delusions (that I can drink again, that I can have a healthy relationship with someone who has no interest in recovering)? What do I do with myself then? Who will I be?
It all boils down to fear of the unknown. Most often, when I've taken that leap of faith that things will happen as they should, I've been very, VERY glad that I did.
It all boils down to fear of the unknown. Most often, when I've taken that leap of faith that things will happen as they should, I've been very, VERY glad that I did.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 95
LexieCat, you are so right on about this! Thank you for that, I needed to read that for my situation as well. And it is so true, I have noticed being ruled by fear quite often and I have let go of some but have not taken the full leap of faith even though I need to. I also have realized that I hold onto my A and the fantasy of him and us just as tightly as he holds onto the alcohol. and I am really working to let go, and take different action, or I am in the essentially same boat. I am approaching and walking toward the recovery bridge, and I also take steps back in the other direction and trying to minimize that best I can...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Thank you sparkle kitty, Lexi and uplifting. I am ok so far today. Probably would have the shaking hands if I were an A. But I'm doing work at the other house painting rooms, hanging light fixtures etc. and everytime my mind goes to my husband I say to myself stop. And then refocus. Nights are always the toughest for me. I lay there and analyze the day (I know very code) I'm going to try to work on me. Whether I am with my husband or by myself or someone new, I have got to be healthy for myself and my kids. I am not so confused and so blind that I don't get how I cause a lot of my hurt to myself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
