Rants... and guilt for the rant!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Rants... and guilt for the rant!
I came to SR because of my xabf. But, in doing that I opened a can of worms for my own recovery and have since had to come to terms with the fact that all three of my parents are alcoholics. (my real dad whom I do not speak to anymore, my mom who I live with, and my step dad who passed away almost 2 years ago from liver cancer).
I moved in with my mom and my step dad about 6 years ago because my break-up with my youngest daughter's dad left me in a HUGE financial mess... I lost my house. It was the right move to go live with my parents though. I finished school and graduated with a 3.96 GPA all while going through that horrendous break-up, losing my home, all my furniture, watching my credit go to pots, and all the other mess with it! I got a great job too! But then the government decided to cut our funding and my job went from full time to part time. I only decided to stay with the part time because at the same time my step dad's cancer was in full force... treatments ongoing, and then, we finally lost him. This whole event also caused me to choose to stay living with my mom. I didn't realize at the time that her drinking was worsening, and I even felt like "Hell, I'd be drinking too if I just lost my husband." And they were a great couple! I also slipped back into codie mode through this time because I was taking on waaaaaay too much responsibility for my mom. I felt that I had to.
But here, just over 2 years later, I can't take it anymore... She is high functioning. I love her. I respect her. Her being my mom and the fact that I live with her makes detaching even harder for me than it was with my xabf. I have been struggling with living with her.
I am actively seeking better employment so that my daughters and I can move out. But God do I feel guilty!!! Who leaves their mom like that? I do. An ACOA who is sick of living in this environment and doesn't want it to affect her kids does this kind of thing. And I can tell that my mom resents me for it. She has NO clue what her drinking does to us... to me... and my kids don't understand what it is doing to them. That is the saddest most hardest part!
My little rant then are instances like last night. My mom works a lot of hours. It was her day off. She cooked an awesome dinner (I cook most nights, but it was her night, and she is an amazing cook!). We enjoyed dinner, and I said as I was cleaning the kitchen, "hey, do you want to go on a quick walk with me and the girls? you said you wanted to start getting healthy again.." I knew her answer would be NO since she was already about 6 beers in. She then proceeds to remind me that we were going to watch a movie together "To Kill A Mockingbird" Classic movie; great story! I had recorded it for my daughters to see. My mom seemed to think that she recorded it for the kids, that they had to watch it, and that I knew nothing about the story... she needed to teach us this wisdom in her mind. Ah, the alcoholic memory...
I told her, "we'll be quick!" The sun was setting.. It was beautiful outside. We get back and waited about 10 minutes for her to have her cigarette and then get another beer until finally she sits down acting all surprised that we were waiting. (this is the passive aggressive behavior I get from her all the time.)
We watch the movie. She keeps looking over to make sure my oldest is really absorbing what she is watching. And it isn't just "making sure"... It is a condescending, controlling type of making sure because well, "my mom knows what's best for my kids". (even though I am the one who recorded this movie for them to watch.)
After the movie (about 10 beers in now), I wanted to watch the THREE minute commentary by Sally Fields about the movie and novel. My mom yells, "Hey! I want to watch the news!" All demanding like.. as if I was doing something rude to her. And then she rolls her eyes and says, "whatever..."
I just said, "Okay. I'll go finish watching this in my room."
Then to back track and make it even more confusing she says "there's only 3 minutes left anyway..."
I said, "Yes, I know." and I scooped up my sleeping daughter and gathered my other daughter and we went to bed.
I feel like we are always hiding in our rooms. Since it is my "mom's" house, WE have to be the ones to leave the room. And well, this is getting to be more than I am willing to live with. One more year of this, and I should be in a better place. Ugh!!!
I moved in with my mom and my step dad about 6 years ago because my break-up with my youngest daughter's dad left me in a HUGE financial mess... I lost my house. It was the right move to go live with my parents though. I finished school and graduated with a 3.96 GPA all while going through that horrendous break-up, losing my home, all my furniture, watching my credit go to pots, and all the other mess with it! I got a great job too! But then the government decided to cut our funding and my job went from full time to part time. I only decided to stay with the part time because at the same time my step dad's cancer was in full force... treatments ongoing, and then, we finally lost him. This whole event also caused me to choose to stay living with my mom. I didn't realize at the time that her drinking was worsening, and I even felt like "Hell, I'd be drinking too if I just lost my husband." And they were a great couple! I also slipped back into codie mode through this time because I was taking on waaaaaay too much responsibility for my mom. I felt that I had to.
But here, just over 2 years later, I can't take it anymore... She is high functioning. I love her. I respect her. Her being my mom and the fact that I live with her makes detaching even harder for me than it was with my xabf. I have been struggling with living with her.
I am actively seeking better employment so that my daughters and I can move out. But God do I feel guilty!!! Who leaves their mom like that? I do. An ACOA who is sick of living in this environment and doesn't want it to affect her kids does this kind of thing. And I can tell that my mom resents me for it. She has NO clue what her drinking does to us... to me... and my kids don't understand what it is doing to them. That is the saddest most hardest part!
My little rant then are instances like last night. My mom works a lot of hours. It was her day off. She cooked an awesome dinner (I cook most nights, but it was her night, and she is an amazing cook!). We enjoyed dinner, and I said as I was cleaning the kitchen, "hey, do you want to go on a quick walk with me and the girls? you said you wanted to start getting healthy again.." I knew her answer would be NO since she was already about 6 beers in. She then proceeds to remind me that we were going to watch a movie together "To Kill A Mockingbird" Classic movie; great story! I had recorded it for my daughters to see. My mom seemed to think that she recorded it for the kids, that they had to watch it, and that I knew nothing about the story... she needed to teach us this wisdom in her mind. Ah, the alcoholic memory...
I told her, "we'll be quick!" The sun was setting.. It was beautiful outside. We get back and waited about 10 minutes for her to have her cigarette and then get another beer until finally she sits down acting all surprised that we were waiting. (this is the passive aggressive behavior I get from her all the time.)
We watch the movie. She keeps looking over to make sure my oldest is really absorbing what she is watching. And it isn't just "making sure"... It is a condescending, controlling type of making sure because well, "my mom knows what's best for my kids". (even though I am the one who recorded this movie for them to watch.)
After the movie (about 10 beers in now), I wanted to watch the THREE minute commentary by Sally Fields about the movie and novel. My mom yells, "Hey! I want to watch the news!" All demanding like.. as if I was doing something rude to her. And then she rolls her eyes and says, "whatever..."
I just said, "Okay. I'll go finish watching this in my room."
Then to back track and make it even more confusing she says "there's only 3 minutes left anyway..."
I said, "Yes, I know." and I scooped up my sleeping daughter and gathered my other daughter and we went to bed.
I feel like we are always hiding in our rooms. Since it is my "mom's" house, WE have to be the ones to leave the room. And well, this is getting to be more than I am willing to live with. One more year of this, and I should be in a better place. Ugh!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 95
This sounds like a really challenging situation to be in, that it sounds like though you are working on yourself differently and noticing about yourself which I am sure will help you through in a healthier way, but I can only imagine how tough on multiple levels! hope it gets smoother for you soon!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I'm so sorry you're going through this. (((hugs)))
I'm really good at coming up with answers for myself that I think I really need, and then as I work my program, let go and let God, and keep open to life, new things come about that take care of me.
How's it going with getting to meetings, sponsorship & stepwork?
Is there an Alateen meeting available for your girls?
Realizing that my husband has a disease that has some similarities to Alzheimer’s and dementia helps me with learning new skills to communicate better. It requires much different support overall, to let him find his independence and own path, but there are some things that seem to be in common. My sponsor has been very helpful for an outside viewpoint. The time thing and memory loss are very hard to deal with! It's very hard for him, also.
"You said" is something we're both trying to avoid saying. Perhaps make your own plans (such as going for a walk), and ask her if she'd like to join you. "I'd love your company!" hits a different spot that being reminded that my health isn't so good.
When my husband says no to my invites, he now realizes (hopefully) that he is genuinely wanted. And I no longer have guilt for going on with my own plans if he doesn't want to join me. We're not very good together with tv or theaters, either. Still learning.
I make slips all the time, but I'm learning to be okay with that. Life isn't perfect, neither am I or my husband. What we are finding are some little ways to connect with humor and fun. And tears, and emotion. And then some fun again.
I'm really good at coming up with answers for myself that I think I really need, and then as I work my program, let go and let God, and keep open to life, new things come about that take care of me.
How's it going with getting to meetings, sponsorship & stepwork?
Is there an Alateen meeting available for your girls?
Realizing that my husband has a disease that has some similarities to Alzheimer’s and dementia helps me with learning new skills to communicate better. It requires much different support overall, to let him find his independence and own path, but there are some things that seem to be in common. My sponsor has been very helpful for an outside viewpoint. The time thing and memory loss are very hard to deal with! It's very hard for him, also.
"You said" is something we're both trying to avoid saying. Perhaps make your own plans (such as going for a walk), and ask her if she'd like to join you. "I'd love your company!" hits a different spot that being reminded that my health isn't so good.
When my husband says no to my invites, he now realizes (hopefully) that he is genuinely wanted. And I no longer have guilt for going on with my own plans if he doesn't want to join me. We're not very good together with tv or theaters, either. Still learning.
I make slips all the time, but I'm learning to be okay with that. Life isn't perfect, neither am I or my husband. What we are finding are some little ways to connect with humor and fun. And tears, and emotion. And then some fun again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I never thought of Alateen for my kids and I do not attend Alanon for myself. It is not something I have felt compelled to do in this situation. I do plenty of reading and exercise for my growth, however, and have made all sorts of necessary changes. Plus, it didn't bother me one bit to go on the walk with just me and my girls... we do all sorts of activities and have a pretty well-rounded and healthy lifestyle regardless of my mom's drinking, so there really isn't a problem there, but thank you for your kind words!
My post is more just a rant. Trust me, it doesn't matter how I put what I say, she will continue to view me this way as long as she is actively drinking. What I really need is to do just get out! Detaching can only do so much for us when we live with an active alcoholic. It is just going to take a while longer for me to do that, so, I rant.... I am actively seeking better employment and have paid off about 4 large bills in order to have a better income.
Thank you for the reminder that as I let go and let God, I can trust that options will continue to open for me. =)
My post is more just a rant. Trust me, it doesn't matter how I put what I say, she will continue to view me this way as long as she is actively drinking. What I really need is to do just get out! Detaching can only do so much for us when we live with an active alcoholic. It is just going to take a while longer for me to do that, so, I rant.... I am actively seeking better employment and have paid off about 4 large bills in order to have a better income.
Thank you for the reminder that as I let go and let God, I can trust that options will continue to open for me. =)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Patience, that time will come, and you will be able to leave. I truly understand your frustration. The worst time for me were the last two weeks before I moved out. I could rant and rant and rant. Yes, all you can do is detach and keep digging your way out. Step by step. It will all pay off in the end. I'm out physically and am saving money for divorce. Three months ago, I was sheepishly calling attorneys. I thought I would never get a place on my own. This evening, I am listening to nightingales. There is absolutely nothing bad that can happen. And you will find your peace too. Hard work always pays off.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Rant away Lemon. I'd be on edge about that behaviour too as I experienced a version of it when my mother was drinking. Not a nice drunk. My sister seems to have taken her place as the family drinker, and it's tedious but at least I don't live with her.
Congratulations on your progress so far; you have a goal of moving out within a year, and I have no doubt you will get there.
Congratulations on your progress so far; you have a goal of moving out within a year, and I have no doubt you will get there.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
I'd be working on moving out asap. No way I will live with an addict of any sort anymore. Its not a healthy situation for me to be in. The flip side of that is I can no longer be the unrestrained codie that others have to live with, so I have work to do in the meantime.
A friend of mine is in alanon, she has two early teen sons one of whom occasionally goes to alateen, the other may at some point. I talked briefly with her son who'd been to the meetings, he liked them- identifying with other kids in his situation was helpful- personally I like how they try to make it a space where the kids are relating to one another about the issue and not having it be more adults telling them things.
A friend of mine is in alanon, she has two early teen sons one of whom occasionally goes to alateen, the other may at some point. I talked briefly with her son who'd been to the meetings, he liked them- identifying with other kids in his situation was helpful- personally I like how they try to make it a space where the kids are relating to one another about the issue and not having it be more adults telling them things.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by schnappi99 
I'd be working on moving out asap. No way I will live with an addict of any sort anymore. Its not a healthy situation for me to be in. The flip side of that is I can no longer be the unrestrained codie that others have to live with, so I have work to do in the meantime.
A friend of mine is in alanon, she has two early teen sons one of whom occasionally goes to alateen, the other may at some point. I talked briefly with her son who'd been to the meetings, he liked them- identifying with other kids in his situation was helpful- personally I like how they try to make it a space where the kids are relating to one another about the issue and not having it be more adults telling them things.
A friend of mine is in alanon, she has two early teen sons one of whom occasionally goes to alateen, the other may at some point. I talked briefly with her son who'd been to the meetings, he liked them- identifying with other kids in his situation was helpful- personally I like how they try to make it a space where the kids are relating to one another about the issue and not having it be more adults telling them things.
I would totally consider alateen if I felt it was somehow necessary... I mean, Idk, maybe I have some sort of denial about this, but my mom works so much, and I keep them pretty busy. Seriously, we have dwindled down much of our communication with her to just around dinner time and some other trips during the day when she is not drinking. I guess I know that they see her drinking, but they really haven't had any confrontations or mishaps with her due to the drinking; they really just don't know everything that is going on. And while I know that alcoholism flourishes under secrecy, I don't go around raving about her drinking to my kids... Rather, I tell them that drinking isn't good for the body, mind, soul, for relationships... I make it known that alcohol is ultimately what caused my step-dad's liver cancer... But I don't, you know... bring it up much and so it is just "normal" for them to see her having beer, but they really aren't privy to all her moods most of the time. It seems that I am just highly aware of it now, and as her daughter... the oldest daughter, far too much falls onto me and my shoulders, including the brunt of her moods when she is tossed. Usually just passive aggressiveness or over-bearing opinions that everyone absolutely must accept, or guilt trips (over nothing), and her memory lapses (telling me one thing, and then when I do it, she complains and says she never said that, etc...)
Thanx a bunch everyone! I was reading Codependent No More and she actually talks about how many of us will look for a way out of our relationships with our A's... and that sometimes that means diving into another relationship with yet another A. Crazy... I almost moved in with my xabf last August! Wow!
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