What do you all think of this

Old 06-11-2015, 09:35 PM
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What do you all think of this

My AH didn't rage, throw things, break things, pee the bed or ever act in a mean way to the kids. His abuse was in his absence, mostly. Or that he was dismissive/belittling toward me.

If he ever was home (or if we were on vacation) he'd spend time exclusively with the kids (doing whatever- watching sports, playing whiffle ball) and pointedly ignore me. This is tough because it's very isolating.

Most of his hurt to the kids is abandonment, which I feel terrible about. Every time it happened, he'd promise never again but that would only last till the next drinking binge. Then he runs.

I have the kids in alateen and counseling. Still, I struggle with forgiving myself for putting them through that.

Please, can you all advise and give thoughts: am I making too much of it? He will never admit to hurting us or apologize to the kids. He thinks he's been a great father.

We've tried to move on/get healthy without him. He is currently sober but still very cold as a person and not there for any of us.

Sometimes it seems like NPD or Anti-social Personality disorder.
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Old 06-11-2015, 09:54 PM
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My heart goes out you...and yes it feels lonely and isolating. I understand completely how you feel.
Although I am a newcomer I'm fairly confident other people understand the situation you're in.
Believe me you are not day day at a time you will look back at this time and realize just how much you have grown from this challenge. Everything will be okay in the end. Hugs to you and your children
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Old 06-12-2015, 04:32 AM
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Flavia....this is what I think: No good will come of continuing to flaggilate and torture yourself for something that you can't do anything about.

You can't change the kind of person that he is (no matter what you label it).
You will grow very old if you are waiting for history to change itself.
And, kicking yourself doesn't do one damn thing to help them.

I say....continue what you are already doing to help them. Put your energy into future actions and loving and living..... There is where any payoff will be...
Having one strong, healthy parent who cares seems to be the important factor....
Bishop Jaques (sp?) and Steve Harvey have some very good ideas about how to bring good male role modeling into their lives for children being raised by a single mother........

I think you have done a great job, so far.....look at the positive!!!!!!!
LOL! Be a model of the glass half-full attitude....

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Old 06-12-2015, 06:33 AM
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Notice........please change my wretched spelling to T. D. Jakes (not jaques).

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Old 06-12-2015, 12:00 PM
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The way I see it as described he would have abandoned them no matter what. Great you have them in counseling and Alateen. That's the best you can do for them! They will be ok!
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Old 06-12-2015, 03:16 PM
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I don't think you are making too much of it. I don't know all the ins and outs of what has transpired, but you letting it go and backing off from this idea that he has not been a great father is absolutely none of his business. What is his business is only what he has done or is trying to do to "fix" things.
I have an ex... my youngest daughter's dad, and he is so sure that he has changed and he doesn't understand why all three of his kids don't have respect for him or why they don't readily seek to talk to him on the phone or ask to visit him. He thinks their behavior is all me and the other mother involved. But actually, it is because it is because of all the abandonment he did when they were younger... Not calling on birthdays, not showing up when he said he would, not moving back to their state of residence like he promised, not showing up for important events, not putting them and their needs or wants first... It all added up over the years. And he never apologized either. He won't even acknowledge his behavior. For me, I don't even care if he ever recognizes what he did to me personally. I don't need his apology. But having watched my kids cry themselves to sleep when they were younger over "where is daddy?" and all the other nonsense he has done and continues to do...? They deserve his apology.

And, I carry the guilt of having chosen such an awful person to be their dad. But I don't beat myself up for his actions. I can't control him.

It feels like I have to work double time to help balance my kids against his negative influences.
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Old 06-12-2015, 03:34 PM
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Neglect is a form of abuse that often gets over looked .
it can have devastating effects tho, I am not saying your husband meant to do that, he is maybe unaware of the extent of harm that is a byproduct of his neglect (maybe even possibly he felt it was In your family's best interest to be gone when he was drinking)
some negative consequences of neglect are :
anxiety, depressiom, dissociation, difficulty concentrating, increased hypervigilance, and difficulty sleeping
and the list goes on
I do not think you are over reacting . I think you sound like a good parent who is looking out for the best interest of your kids
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Old 06-13-2015, 04:33 AM
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Thank you, everyone.!
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