Me Again, Still A Mess
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32
Me Again, Still A Mess
I've spent hours, days, months reading and educating myself. Sought therapy, but moved after 6 weeks, got on anti depressants, started exercising, but this time NOTHING is helping.
My ex contacts daily, calls, video, texts. We both know it's not healthy at all. I thought I was doing ok finally this past week, but then I invited him to come visit and he was going to. Then one night he disappeared, and I knew that meant she was still with him. So I text her pics of his calls and texts to me. I gave her enough evidence HE kept in contact. She got upset,but decided to tell me about them. About his lying,they're constant fighting and breaking up making up. So she had him take her home and said (for the millionth time) she was done with him. She said she believed me and knows he is awful but if I wasn't in the picture she could see them together a long time. But she says he won't let me go, he never has, so she's walking away.
Funny thing, he doesn't want me back, he tells me he is happy and I'm crazy and he will never date a woman like me again.(someone who snoops in his phone, email, etc) He gets to make the rules, and break them. But if I snoop I'm the bad guy. He was cheating on me, hell yah I snooped. I'm not justifying my behavior, I lost my sanity dealing with his serious issues of drinking, drugs, lying all the time, and he lost my trust. Now today we are back on the no contact, which is fine but I have withdrawals, physically and mentally. Walking away from him is like losing an arm. We were so awful to each other, I was totally codependent, still am! We have been broken up for 3.5 months, but he never let me go, while continuing a relationship with her. He picked her every time over me, protected her, was "good" to her while he lied to us both. Why can't I get over him? Im back to depressed, back to being hurt, logically I understand why, but emotionally I'm defeated. Why can't I let this lying, cheating, alcoholic go??? He is so bad for me,I've realized when I challenge the situation, I end up losing the battle, every single time!
What can truly help me at this point, I've lost 4 years to this guy. I love him, but I hate him. Knowing he gives a better him to her or anyone else hurts so much. I was his rock, now he's rejected me. I'm not good enough to be his gfs anymore. I feel worthless and lost and hopeless in my life.
My ex contacts daily, calls, video, texts. We both know it's not healthy at all. I thought I was doing ok finally this past week, but then I invited him to come visit and he was going to. Then one night he disappeared, and I knew that meant she was still with him. So I text her pics of his calls and texts to me. I gave her enough evidence HE kept in contact. She got upset,but decided to tell me about them. About his lying,they're constant fighting and breaking up making up. So she had him take her home and said (for the millionth time) she was done with him. She said she believed me and knows he is awful but if I wasn't in the picture she could see them together a long time. But she says he won't let me go, he never has, so she's walking away.
Funny thing, he doesn't want me back, he tells me he is happy and I'm crazy and he will never date a woman like me again.(someone who snoops in his phone, email, etc) He gets to make the rules, and break them. But if I snoop I'm the bad guy. He was cheating on me, hell yah I snooped. I'm not justifying my behavior, I lost my sanity dealing with his serious issues of drinking, drugs, lying all the time, and he lost my trust. Now today we are back on the no contact, which is fine but I have withdrawals, physically and mentally. Walking away from him is like losing an arm. We were so awful to each other, I was totally codependent, still am! We have been broken up for 3.5 months, but he never let me go, while continuing a relationship with her. He picked her every time over me, protected her, was "good" to her while he lied to us both. Why can't I get over him? Im back to depressed, back to being hurt, logically I understand why, but emotionally I'm defeated. Why can't I let this lying, cheating, alcoholic go??? He is so bad for me,I've realized when I challenge the situation, I end up losing the battle, every single time!
What can truly help me at this point, I've lost 4 years to this guy. I love him, but I hate him. Knowing he gives a better him to her or anyone else hurts so much. I was his rock, now he's rejected me. I'm not good enough to be his gfs anymore. I feel worthless and lost and hopeless in my life.
Last edited by ExhaustedA; 06-11-2015 at 08:28 PM. Reason: misspells
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
You can't let go for the same reason the A wont stop drinking. You don't want to. Block, block, block! No calls, no text, nothing! He won't let you go? Unless you are in a physical cage in his basement, that is nonsense.
You have taught him how to treat you. Teach diffrent, you get diffrent. There is no love here , just emotional abuse. Your #1 priority is getting help for yourself. Break the cycle, it's in your hands.
You have taught him how to treat you. Teach diffrent, you get diffrent. There is no love here , just emotional abuse. Your #1 priority is getting help for yourself. Break the cycle, it's in your hands.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
He isn't letting you go because you are making it convenient for him to hang on.
He is getting something from your contact:
An ego stroke, a shoulder to cry on etc etc. there isn't anything romantic about it.
What are you getting? Pain.
It might seem like a quick fix letting him hang on because once you cut ties you are faced with the reality of being alone, the heartbreak, your own self doubt.
But you are faced with all that and a declining self esteem by hanging on.
If you let him go, you will be ok.
Yes it will hurt, yes you will feel empty but it will not be like that forever. Give yourself some credit, you can do this!
He is getting something from your contact:
An ego stroke, a shoulder to cry on etc etc. there isn't anything romantic about it.
What are you getting? Pain.
It might seem like a quick fix letting him hang on because once you cut ties you are faced with the reality of being alone, the heartbreak, your own self doubt.
But you are faced with all that and a declining self esteem by hanging on.
If you let him go, you will be ok.
Yes it will hurt, yes you will feel empty but it will not be like that forever. Give yourself some credit, you can do this!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
You seem to thrive in the drama. Sending this other woman "proof" he is a two timing douch is crazy behavior.
I will repeat the obvious, block him, hell I'd go so far as getting a new phone and number.
You have been on this crazy train for 4 YEARS.
No wonder you are an emotional wreck. Only you can change this, you know this to be true. Question is why aren't you??
I will repeat the obvious, block him, hell I'd go so far as getting a new phone and number.
You have been on this crazy train for 4 YEARS.
No wonder you are an emotional wreck. Only you can change this, you know this to be true. Question is why aren't you??
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Holyoke, MA
Posts: 156
OMG!! Your situation sounds just like mine, minus the cheating or new girl! I can't let him go either. When we didn't drink together and fight, we were so happy and so in love. Once the stupid, drunken fights happened, it was just an emotional abuse attack! ...but I miss and love him so g'damn much and can't let go!! I, too, was with him for 4 years. Lots and LOTS of amazing times and memories, but lots of NOT so great memories. I just can't fall out of love in a month. Ugh. It's such a horrible feeling!! I'm sorry you're going through this! I hope everything works out for you! BIG HUGS!! xxxxx
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Roselle,Nj
Posts: 17
its EASY for people to say block his calls etc..yea thats the right thing to do...but thats not easy...actually its harder to block him out then stay with the misery...i don't have any answers sorry...i hope it gets better
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Rocstardj 
its EASY for people to say block his calls etc..yea thats the right thing to do...but thats not easy...actually its harder to block him out then stay with the misery...i don't have any answers sorry...i hope it gets better
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
I know you have heard the definition of insanity... doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
You will be miserable till you accept that life doesn't have to be like that. You deserve to live a life not serve a sentence. Let go and start building something worthy of you.
You will be miserable till you accept that life doesn't have to be like that. You deserve to live a life not serve a sentence. Let go and start building something worthy of you.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"I've spent hours, days, months reading and educating myself. Sought therapy, but moved after 6 weeks, got on anti depressants, started exercising, but this time NOTHING is helping."
Well of course not because of this:
"My ex contacts daily, calls, video, texts."
What can truly help you?
First off accept that it's you allowing it to happen.
Then stop contact with him. Dont allow contact to happen.
Use the word NO.
Then you will be able to Put all that information you got into action and heal.
Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is insanity.
Well of course not because of this:
"My ex contacts daily, calls, video, texts."
What can truly help you?
First off accept that it's you allowing it to happen.
Then stop contact with him. Dont allow contact to happen.
Use the word NO.
Then you will be able to Put all that information you got into action and heal.
Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is insanity.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you need to understand he isn't doing anything TO you that you are not allowing. you LET him contact you EVERY day, you engage in conversations with his GIRLFRIEND, you were willing to allow him to come over.
dude is a total player. he USES women. he keeps you around because you ALLOW it. his ego is feeding off this. hey look how crappy I can treat her and she STILL wants me.
you want to get well? go NO CONTACT. cut him off. be done. in the same way the addict can ONLY recover is if they quit doing ALL substances and change their lifestyle, that is what you must do.
or stay in this hell. its not a competition, you vs her. you assume he actually cares about either one of you. he does not. he cares only about himself. you are just collateral damage.
dude is a total player. he USES women. he keeps you around because you ALLOW it. his ego is feeding off this. hey look how crappy I can treat her and she STILL wants me.
you want to get well? go NO CONTACT. cut him off. be done. in the same way the addict can ONLY recover is if they quit doing ALL substances and change their lifestyle, that is what you must do.
or stay in this hell. its not a competition, you vs her. you assume he actually cares about either one of you. he does not. he cares only about himself. you are just collateral damage.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I know your pain. I totally understand. They say an alcoholic takes hostages and it is so true. I used to romanticize my "great love" with my STBXAH but we would have gone on in that limbo as long as I would have let it.
It is hard to contact with a child but I had to do it. Our daughter is 7 and capable of communicating to me and I just cannot engage with him at all. If ever, it is via email something quick and informational but that is all.
He pulled me in and pushed me away so many times. I was so angry with him until it finally hit me that everything He was doing to me, I was allowing him the opportunity do so.
Reasons don't matter. Just look at actions. I had to have a therapist point out to me how skewed my version of normalcy really was. I had come to value myself so little and accepted scraps from him and justified all the poor behavior.
You truly deserve better. Until you believe that, and act accordingly, nothing will ever change. I am so sorry you are hurting because I understand that gut wrenching heart ache. You can take control. Know your worth.
It is hard to contact with a child but I had to do it. Our daughter is 7 and capable of communicating to me and I just cannot engage with him at all. If ever, it is via email something quick and informational but that is all.
He pulled me in and pushed me away so many times. I was so angry with him until it finally hit me that everything He was doing to me, I was allowing him the opportunity do so.
Reasons don't matter. Just look at actions. I had to have a therapist point out to me how skewed my version of normalcy really was. I had come to value myself so little and accepted scraps from him and justified all the poor behavior.
You truly deserve better. Until you believe that, and act accordingly, nothing will ever change. I am so sorry you are hurting because I understand that gut wrenching heart ache. You can take control. Know your worth.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
"I'm not good enough to be his girlfriend anymore."-
You deserve SO much better and he couldn't show up and provide that for you. You are TOO good to be his girlfriend anymore
You guys spent a lot of time together so this must be so difficult for you an I don't want to mitigate that for you, but I honestly beleive once this all passes you are going to discover a life and a partner that you really deserve
Im sorry you're in so much pain right now though and I am truly sorry . Love is a bitch.
You deserve SO much better and he couldn't show up and provide that for you. You are TOO good to be his girlfriend anymore
You guys spent a lot of time together so this must be so difficult for you an I don't want to mitigate that for you, but I honestly beleive once this all passes you are going to discover a life and a partner that you really deserve
Im sorry you're in so much pain right now though and I am truly sorry . Love is a bitch.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
"He pulled me in and pushed me away so many times. I was so angry with him until it finally hit me that everything He was doing to me, I was allowing him the opportunity do so.
Reasons don't matter. Just look at actions. I had to have a therapist point out to me how skewed my version of normalcy really was. I had come to value myself so little and accepted scraps from him and justified all the poor behavior.
You truly deserve better. Until you believe that, and act accordingly, nothing will ever change. I am so sorry you are hurting because I understand that gut wrenching heart ache. You can take control. Know your worth."
This is great advice to read over and over! Well said.
Reasons don't matter. Just look at actions. I had to have a therapist point out to me how skewed my version of normalcy really was. I had come to value myself so little and accepted scraps from him and justified all the poor behavior.
You truly deserve better. Until you believe that, and act accordingly, nothing will ever change. I am so sorry you are hurting because I understand that gut wrenching heart ache. You can take control. Know your worth."
This is great advice to read over and over! Well said.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by ExhaustedA
I've spent hours, days, months reading and educating myself. Sought therapy, but moved after 6 weeks, got on anti depressants, started exercising, but this time NOTHING is helping.
My ex contacts daily, calls, video, texts. We both know it's not healthy at all. I thought I was doing ok finally this past week, but then I invited him to come visit and he was going to. Then one night he disappeared, and I knew that meant she was still with him. So I text her pics of his calls and texts to me. I gave her enough evidence HE kept in contact. She got upset,but decided to tell me about them. About his lying,they're constant fighting and breaking up making up. So she had him take her home and said (for the millionth time) she was done with him. She said she believed me and knows he is awful but if I wasn't in the picture she could see them together a long time. But she says he won't let me go, he never has, so she's walking away.
Funny thing, he doesn't want me back, he tells me he is happy and I'm crazy and he will never date a woman like me again.(someone who snoops in his phone, email, etc) He gets to make the rules, and break them. But if I snoop I'm the bad guy. He was cheating on me, hell yah I snooped. I'm not justifying my behavior, I lost my sanity dealing with his serious issues of drinking, drugs, lying all the time, and he lost my trust. Now today we are back on the no contact, which is fine but I have withdrawals, physically and mentally. Walking away from him is like losing an arm. We were so awful to each other, I was totally codependent, still am! We have been broken up for 3.5 months, but he never let me go, while continuing a relationship with her. He picked her every time over me, protected her, was "good" to her while he lied to us both. Why can't I get over him? Im back to depressed, back to being hurt, logically I understand why, but emotionally I'm defeated. Why can't I let this lying, cheating, alcoholic go??? He is so bad for me,I've realized when I challenge the situation, I end up losing the battle, every single time!
What can truly help me at this point, I've lost 4 years to this guy. I love him, but I hate him. Knowing he gives a better him to her or anyone else hurts so much. I was his rock, now he's rejected me. I'm not good enough to be his gfs anymore. I feel worthless and lost and hopeless in my life.
My ex contacts daily, calls, video, texts. We both know it's not healthy at all. I thought I was doing ok finally this past week, but then I invited him to come visit and he was going to. Then one night he disappeared, and I knew that meant she was still with him. So I text her pics of his calls and texts to me. I gave her enough evidence HE kept in contact. She got upset,but decided to tell me about them. About his lying,they're constant fighting and breaking up making up. So she had him take her home and said (for the millionth time) she was done with him. She said she believed me and knows he is awful but if I wasn't in the picture she could see them together a long time. But she says he won't let me go, he never has, so she's walking away.
Funny thing, he doesn't want me back, he tells me he is happy and I'm crazy and he will never date a woman like me again.(someone who snoops in his phone, email, etc) He gets to make the rules, and break them. But if I snoop I'm the bad guy. He was cheating on me, hell yah I snooped. I'm not justifying my behavior, I lost my sanity dealing with his serious issues of drinking, drugs, lying all the time, and he lost my trust. Now today we are back on the no contact, which is fine but I have withdrawals, physically and mentally. Walking away from him is like losing an arm. We were so awful to each other, I was totally codependent, still am! We have been broken up for 3.5 months, but he never let me go, while continuing a relationship with her. He picked her every time over me, protected her, was "good" to her while he lied to us both. Why can't I get over him? Im back to depressed, back to being hurt, logically I understand why, but emotionally I'm defeated. Why can't I let this lying, cheating, alcoholic go??? He is so bad for me,I've realized when I challenge the situation, I end up losing the battle, every single time!
What can truly help me at this point, I've lost 4 years to this guy. I love him, but I hate him. Knowing he gives a better him to her or anyone else hurts so much. I was his rock, now he's rejected me. I'm not good enough to be his gfs anymore. I feel worthless and lost and hopeless in my life.
Your post helped me tonight because heading into 30 days NC I am hurting a lot but when I see what could have happened if I kept contact I realize how worse I would feel.
Give his disease back to him and she isn't getting some improved sober guy, she's getting a cheater who is hanging on to you. ..
Set yourself free just for today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by iGirl66
Four years is a long time. Think back to the days before you knew he existed. You were someone then and you are now. You've not lost a leg, you've lost an ass.
Utter peace. (Yeah, pain, but that was there either way. Now it's gone.)
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
ExhaustedA,
4 years is a long time. That is the same amount of years I wasted on my addiction to my XA.
Like the A is addicted to alcohol I was addicted to the A and later learned that our brains are affected in much the same way as the A fight their own overwhelming craving for their drug of choice.
When we dwell on the A in our thoughts obsessively it creates neural pathways which are physical "trees" .... I think of them of weed trees. As we "water" the weed trees with our obsessive thinking they grow and grow and grow.... we are growing a prison of our own making in our brains.
On the other hand if we control our thought life and we cast down ever thought of the negative thought (A's in our case) even if we cast it down 1000 times in a row the the next time it might be 985 and so on. If we focus on our recovery by reading, meetings and therapy we are creating healthy brain forests that I like to think of as redwoods...strong and majestic and beautiful.
Until you or I or anyone else stops the cycle of obsessive thoughts there can be no true freedom from an addictive relationship... not easy but it gets easier and easier once you permanently cut off contact completely and go cold turkey and do not pick up (phone for us drink for them) for any reason!!
And one day you suddenly realize that you went an entire day without a thought of him... I remember that day for me. Then I started going a couple of days without a thought of him...now I have zero emotional or mental reaction at a thought of him... I think I was a complete idiot for staying so long but it was my BRAIN that was keeping me chained to him... (feelings of "love" are chemical in nature and bonds us to our intimate relationships especially when we have a physical intimacy).
Hope that helps....it helped me when I could view my XA as keeping me in bondage to him with brain chemicals!
4 years is a long time. That is the same amount of years I wasted on my addiction to my XA.
Like the A is addicted to alcohol I was addicted to the A and later learned that our brains are affected in much the same way as the A fight their own overwhelming craving for their drug of choice.
When we dwell on the A in our thoughts obsessively it creates neural pathways which are physical "trees" .... I think of them of weed trees. As we "water" the weed trees with our obsessive thinking they grow and grow and grow.... we are growing a prison of our own making in our brains.
On the other hand if we control our thought life and we cast down ever thought of the negative thought (A's in our case) even if we cast it down 1000 times in a row the the next time it might be 985 and so on. If we focus on our recovery by reading, meetings and therapy we are creating healthy brain forests that I like to think of as redwoods...strong and majestic and beautiful.
Until you or I or anyone else stops the cycle of obsessive thoughts there can be no true freedom from an addictive relationship... not easy but it gets easier and easier once you permanently cut off contact completely and go cold turkey and do not pick up (phone for us drink for them) for any reason!!
And one day you suddenly realize that you went an entire day without a thought of him... I remember that day for me. Then I started going a couple of days without a thought of him...now I have zero emotional or mental reaction at a thought of him... I think I was a complete idiot for staying so long but it was my BRAIN that was keeping me chained to him... (feelings of "love" are chemical in nature and bonds us to our intimate relationships especially when we have a physical intimacy).
Hope that helps....it helped me when I could view my XA as keeping me in bondage to him with brain chemicals!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
If you don't go NC you won't move on. It's as simple as that. Without the hard work of recovery (Alanon) codependents are as compulsive about alcoholics and other dysfunctional people as drunks are about booze.
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