Blame games?
 

I was wondering, have any of you fell into the trap of:
"If you made me happier, things would be different" or "you don't make me happy" and similar sayings from an A?

If so, why did you fell for it? And how did you get out?

Yep. I ask this cause sometimes I feel like I could have done more for exabf. My therapist said it's a normal part of the grieving process... But I also think it could be due to codependency?

I don't know why I believed that stuff, but I definitely did. What helped me break the cycle was to see that blaming me was just one small part of the much larger web of excuses and lies that allowed him to continue his behavior.
He said he drank because I did X, so I stopped doing X, then he drank because the dog barked, so I tried to keep the dog quiet. He drank because his grandpa died. Well, he drank when his grandpa was alive. He drank because it was a full moon. He drank because it was a holiday. He drank because he was upset. He drank because he was happy.
All of those reasons were really just about him avoiding reality. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. End of story. Everything else is just window dressing.

I echo what Lady said-my ex was the same way. Drank fir no reason or for every reason....only certainty I had living with him was that he would drink. Why ? Because he's a raging alcoholic. End of story, case closed.

By the way, for years I heard the "if you made me happier I wouldn't have to drink", BS....truth is he wasbt happy-heck, wasn't happy when I met him either...it was not up to me to provide him happiness-God does not put us on this earth to make other people happy. There was nothing you could have done that would have made him not drink. Bc he's an alcoholic.

I believed it because it validated my deep-seated belief that everything was my fault, that I was not worthy of love or affection, care or concern. I learned that belief growing up in a home with an alcoholic mother and codependent father. It was actually my father who taught us how to behave in order to not upset the alcoholic. By putting her sickness at the forefront, without ever actually talking about her sickness out loud, he taught us that we were less-than, only meaningful in relation to her.

I had to build an entire sense of self-esteem from scratch because I didn't learn it in my childhood home.

My best friend would always say, "any excuse will do".

The funny thing is, I believed it was my fault anyway. But my experience is just like lady scribbler's: he drank no matter what!

It took me way too long to figure that out ;)

My ex said he was so unhappy for a long time. He wanted out. So he drank more, and then cheated. Even though I knew I wasn't the real problem, I was the target, and after so long you start believing what they say to be true.

A's have such low self esteem that everything has to be another's fault. The reality of themselves is too much to bare. So they go to the other extreme of being soooooo perfect that if they have a fault it must be caused by someone else. Heaven forbid that they get real with themselves and think "I'm an out of control, lying, cheating train wreck who is no good for anyone. " Can't you just hear the martyrdom? They are so unhappy, but the stuck it out!! Even if it meant drinking, they would not leave and hurt you! Oh, pleeeeeeeeze!

Yes I was subject to the blame game when RAH relapsed. I just agreed with him. I mean, if was REALLY not a good wife, a nag, a bitch, then leave!

OK so YOU are right alcoholic, I am all those things. pack your bags and go.

Think he did? Nope. That's all the validation I needed although I already knew (from here) its a common attribute to blame shift and deflect so the real issue, alcoholism, isn't part of the equation.

Yeah, I think the key is understanding alcoholism--that whatever alcoholics may SAY about why they drink, it all amounts to an excuse/rationalization. Usually they honestly DON'T understand why they drink--which is why you see so many alcoholics in denial changing jobs, geographical locations, relationships, etc. They are trying to put a cause to it, too, and trying different things because they think if "things" WERE different, they wouldn't drink so much.

So maybe he did think it was you. It doesn't matter. The more you understand about alcoholism the more you will see those statements for what they are.

Lexie-good words! Very true.

I believed it because deep down, I always think everything is my fault. That's the flip side of thinking I can control everything--if I caused it, I can fix it. So I guess that is codependency.

Spot on.

Yeah, I thought that too. Especially during the first 5 years, while I was in denial that he was an alcoholic. If I did this or that, he would not be so mean, angry. Then, "How can I fix it?" And he was sitting like a king on his throne, playing games, and I was there to please.

Then after awhile, when you do everything you can, sacrifice relationships with other people, work like a slave, and get absolutely nothing in your marriage, not even sleeping in the same bed, and he is still pointing fingers, something clicks inside of you. And you just see that even if you were a goddess or something, it would not please him.

My advice, do not waste your life on this guy. He ain't worth it. From what you say, he is just another king baby.

this... thank you, ladyscribbler.

I also need to do this...

Are they aware of this?

Thank you. Today I'm having a bad day. Dunno... I think I did nothing wrong yet I miss him.
And I want to stop missing him.

Just be aware doing this is not something that happens quickly. It takes time. Lots of time. Time is the most essential ingredient to building your self esteem. It is a complicated, layered thing that happens while you are otherwise living your life. It is how you choose to live that life that determines how long it's going to take. The more positive choices you make, the more healthy boundaries you set, and the more you move in the direction of your goals, the sooner you will find you not only like, but love and respect yourself unshakably.

I can totally relate. I just went through the most painful break up after being together for two years. My guy and best friend left me who claimed to love me more than anything. He made excuses and placed some blame but also did tell me I deserved to be happy and he could not keep hurting me. He has been in and out of recovery for years and always goes back to secretly using. The reality is though, that I would have stayed in it for a lot longer.... He ripped the bandaid off and it may be the best thing that could have happened.

The hard thing is that my heart just can't catch up with my head. This has hands down been the most painful thing I have ever gone through. Its been over a month but every day I still struggle. I know I am better off but I also miss him all of the time. We didn't fight, there was no abuse but our relationship became consumed with his lies and my worrying - thats no way to love.

Are you still in any contact with him..? I think it's best to to fully cut off. No looking on social media, no communication. It's hard but I think in the long run it helps. Also check out this report on grief... I refer to it often when I am having trouble (it won't let me post the link but google Psychology Today How to Mourn a Breakup to Move Past Grief and Withdrawal)

I'm sorry you are going through this but lets just put faith in this is what is best and in the long run we will be so much better off, as long as we learn and grow from it. xx A