arspoetica

I'm not exactly a newbie here. I posted several months ago while my husband and I were going through counseling and I jinxed myself by mentioning the improvement in our relationship. That very same night, he had a major episode that ended up involving his whole family. Since then I've only read messages but have not had the courage to actually post one myself. Until tonight. I can't say that things are better or worse. In fact, I think I am so upset because they are exactly the same. I am holding my breath until the next time he has an episode and I am desperately hoping that I have my head together by then. Right now I feel completely desperate. Its the constant doubt.."Am I crazy? Am I making mountains out of molehills?" I swear that I can tell whether or not my husband has been drinking at first glance... a mile away...with my eyes closed!! Even if he has only had a couple, his personality is totally different. Yesterday was the first time I have been able to interact with him before he has had alcohol in his system and it was wonderful. So wonderful that I can't get back into the routine of living with an alcoholic because the memory of what he used to be, before the alcohol, is so fresh in my mind. I admit that I am an extremely emotional person and he uses that to cover up that this is his problem. I am so exhausted. In the past couple of months I have kept busy with my children and work and 4 out-of-town trips that it has been easy for me to keep things in check. But today, the emotional flood gate opened and I can't get it shut! My husband is undeniably an alcoholic. He too buys beer as soon as he gets off from work. A 20 oz. for the ride home and a 12 pack for the night. He often argues with me about how much he drinks but it doesn't really matter, 2 or 12, its all the same to him. Its like he transforms as he drinks...1 or 2 and he is mouthy, 3 or 4 and he gets aggressively sarcastic, 5 and he follows me around trying to pick a fight, 6 and more....well, anything is possible. And I always have to say something..."Are you buzzing?"..."How many have you had?"........."Do I smell beer on your breath already?". Why or why can't I just keep my mouth shut? What does it matter anymore? I know that he drinks every day. What do I prove by calling him on it? I am capable of taking care of myself, of distancing myself, of creating a parallel life to his and allowing interaction only when I choose but I've done that before and we were seperated for a year and a half. I don't know how to deal with his problem without complete seperation and that is not at all what I want. I want him to want help. But in 9 years, it has only gotten worse. Sure, there have been short spans of time when he didn't drink (whenever he tries to prove he is not an alcoholic) that lasted all of two weeks. But the progression is always in the same direction, he picks up exactly where he left off and continues to spiral downward until he does something that makes him feel bad enough to ease up for a day or two or if I'm lucky, a week. My question is....What are realistic expections of an alcoholic? What can I dare to ask from him or dream of him ever becoming? How much time am I going to lose to this disease and is it possible that he will never desire to overcome this problem? I've just been hanging out...waiting...and waiting...and waiting...to see the smallest hope that he will wake up and realize everything that he has lost to the bottle? Sorry about the venting but it keeps the mental breakdown away, at least for another day.

splendra

arspoetica-

Welcome!!

I am sorry that you feel so emotionally out of sorts right now. The truth is and I know you know this the only one we can change is ourselves. If we let their addictive behavior cause us to react in a way that makes us loose our peace the disease is just gaining ground. It is us who have to change. Nobody can tell you to leave or stay what we can tell you is do what is right for you. Take care of yourself and stop worrying about what he does(you already know) and I all ready know whatr my Ah is doing to. Take small steps live one minute at the time if you have too keep coming back and post that stuff right out of your head.s

Cadence57

****{arspoetica}}}

I know just how you feel. I am going through the same scenario with my boyfriend but, as luck would have it, we are now living 2000 miles apart and my moving in with him is riding on his desire and action to quit. I read what you wrote and can't help but wonder if I'll be singing your song, should I decide to make the move.

I know the need to confront - I understand being able to tell from a mile (or 2000) away with your eyes shut. A's don't understand that no matter how hard they try to "hide" it, it's so painfully obvious when they are drunk.

I have no words of wisdom - just a common bond and lots of prayers for you.

Alexia

I have found to not expect anything from an A and you wont be disappointed, hurt, frustrated, angry, etc. They cant deliver. Making your life better for you is they only thing you can do. If they cant come to the "get a life" decision on their own (or with God's help) there is nothing you can do. But you can pray for them, and yourself. God listens! I've gained more strength through prayer lately than I thought possible.

Keep taking care of yourself. You WILL start to feel much better, believe me.
My prayers are with you,
Alexia

JT

It seems like you are at a turning point. You can leave or you can dig in and learn all you can. You can begin to focus on yourself and stop finding fault, you can look for things to be grateful for. You can choose to be married one day at a time while you discover if you can find serenity for yourself in this situation. You can stop looking at this as a "rest of your life" sentence because it is not. You can change your mind tomorrow if you want.

Hugs,
JT

cwohio

yep - they don't even have to be drunk for me to notice the subtle changes. i don't look for them anymore but if they are right in my face then it's hard not to notice.

i too, like alexia, have prayed more than i ever have before - but the difference is i don't usually pray for "things" - let me listen, let me allow my hp to guide me, and, of course, for my ah to hear God's voice.

my support to you also - we all do understand the need to vent and this is the most wonderful place to be able to do that!

cwohio

Magichappens

((arspoetica))
Sounds like you already have your answers. Live your life as fully as you can. Fill it with loving and caring people. Yes it is sad that alcoholics aren't capable of contributing much to that. It doesn't mean we don't love them, but I have had to detach with love for my own sanity, serenity, and wholeness. There is some grieving involved for me in letting go and letting God. But I had to finally grow up and become mature enough to let go of my "perfect world" fantasies, and make the best of reality.

It's a struggle, and sometimes I get tired. But it was tiring working against reality. So tiring that I was at the end of my rope. So when I get tired of detaching, working on my life, bettering myself, I remember that I can rest. I can get support from my Al-Anon group. I don't have to carry the burden alone. I come here. One day at a time, my life is so much better. It's not perfect, never will be. But it's mine. Hugs, Magic

eveie

My Heart goes out to you, and I know what it feels like to be fed up, although in my situation, it was my roommate I missed. When he was sober he was my good fun friend. But like you said you can watch him drink and watch him change. I stopped doing that. Becuase then I started to just depise the man and the disease. I went to AA first, because I wanted answers I wanted to hear what others had to say. You dont have to talk, you can go to open AA meetings just to listen. Thats when I found out about Al-Anon. It was the best and still is. This forum? Well, I cant tell you enough about the wonderful people here the love and support is wonderful. Dont worry about venting, oh boy, Ive come on here just ripping my hair out ...LOL.. go to my name and read my threads...ouch you will see!!
I cant give you advice, becuase thats what we arent here to do, we are here to love you and give you support. I hope you find Al-anon meetings near you and give it a try. I was so broke my first meeting a lady even bought me my first hope for today book. In my situation, It was hard to NOT REACT when my roommate got drunk and called me every name under the sun. But Somehow I was able to not do it. Oh I stoood up for myself a few times, but I could no longer stnad still and watch him kill himself with booze due to the other major health problems he had, so...... Im on my own now. Its amazing to me, how we can talk to our HP now matter HOW WE TALK to him, and see how fast things happen, well in my case anyways!
Tomorrow will be a week on my own. Not one word from my old roommate.
My prayers to you sweet lady, dont worry about him!! Worry about you, YOUR SPECIAL! YOUR BEAUTIFUL ! and YOUR SELF-ESTEEM needs NOONE but YOU!! I read at my first meeting the phrase" cant cure it didnt cause it, cant control it. I say that often. Keep coming back here for anything, lots of love here, and good luck with al-anon if thats what you decide. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME AND KEEP IT SIMPLE Lots of love there too!! Be well dear one! Love and light to you!
Peace!