amy55

I am or was doing really good. Going to a bridal shower this weekend that I was initially not going to go to. My youngest daughter is, and she said to me I'll see you on Sunday. So changed my mind and decided to go.

Talked to my older daughter today. Said to her, well you know when you come up in August and we go to Knoebels Amusement Park, I was thinking of asking Jackie, (my youngest) to come with us.

For me I thought that would work out terrific. See I am trying to reestablish a relationship with my youngest daughter. I thought this would be good that she wouldn't be coming up alone. I thought she would feel more comfortable this way.

My oldest daughter, Dani, reaction to this was to yell at me that Jackie doesn't come to see her for the weekends, so why would I think that she would do this?

I;m at a loss. I don;t know what to do. I think I am still going to go with that invite. I think my older daughter is jealous, and she will try to ruin this.

I really don't know what to do.

amy

PS - I do really trust your opinions here.

amy55

I thought this might be a normal thing to do, now I am not so sure.

Katchie

Amy,

I have a son that overreacts often to the smallest things. Heres what I do, I ignore it. If he is disrespectful, I correct it in a low calm tone and move on regardless of what he does or says and proceed with my plans. Just keep being you. You did nothing wrong. You are not the one with the problem, your daughter is the one that has issue. There isn't anything you can do about that except make your plans and hope that she will want to take part too with a good attitude.
I refuse to let my difficult teenage son ruin a good time for everyone. If he wants to be an a** then he can be one all by himself.

LexieCat

I wonder if your older daughter is upset because you are mending your relationship with the younger one. Sort of like the story of the prodigal son--the younger one is the "problem child" and you're doing special things with her, so the "good daughter" is a little PO'd? Maybe?

Just a guess. Either way, it isn't your job to ride herd on everyone's feelings. Do what you want to do, and if either one of them doesn't like it they can lump it.

searching peace

It sounds to me as if older daughter is a bit codependent. My oldest daughter is extremely co dependent and tries to tell me and my younger two what to do and how to do it. She is also highly offended when the younger two do anything that she feels isn't what should be done, whether it directly involved or effects her at all. I am constantly pointing out to my oldest that she would be so much happier if she just worried about herself and let everyone else handle themselves. I also think there might be a bit of sibling rivalry going on for your time and attention. I think there are a lot of unhealthy family dynamics that play into your XAH and your daughters and the way they treat you. You are doing great!!! And yes inviting both of your daughters is a normal thing to do. Why don't you really go the distance and see if your son and his wife want to come also? That is what normal families do, they vacation all together and behave as adults and enjoy each other's company. I would think your oldest should be appreciative that you are trying to make this special for HER son. I don't always get along with my brother, but my kids think it is great when we are all together for holidays. So I suck it up for those few days and do what is best for my kids. In my opinion, your oldest has no boundaries where you are concerned and she has treated you horribly. You are trying to do something nice for her and her son. I would try to ignore her objections and do what you want and do what you feel is the right thing to do and what will make you happy in that situation. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. Families can be really difficult to be around sometimes. Very few families are Norman Rockwell paintings, most are dysfunctional to some degree. If she wants to hang on to anger and resentment, that only hurts her. Don't take her issues on yourself. It has nothing to do with anything you have done or haven't done. Keep doing what you are doing. You ARE doing great!

redatlanta

Your eldest daughter likes to stir the pot. Ignore it. Your younger daughter may not decide to come for a variety of reasons - or she may. Invite her!

amy55

I'm going to do what I decided to do. I am going to invite the both of them for that weekend. I think I already knew there would be problems because my youngest daughter is now talking to me. I was talking to my friend the other day, and when I told her how well things went on Saturday, she just told be to beware, that she felt a storm brewing. I said, I know. I just didn't think it would be this quick.

This is some background on this situation. They went to Vegas 2 years ago. While they were there my oldest daughters h, created a huge commotion at the hotel, because he wanted sex. It was in the restaurant of the hotel. He later attempted suicide by throwing a hair dryer into the tub he was in. It was all manipulation because he is smart enough to know about circuit breakers.

Prior to this my youngest daughter was visiting her sister once or twice a month, and staying for the weekend. Since that happened she only visits for parties. She won't do "crazy" anymore. This is what my son had told me 2 years ago. I don't think my youngest daughter ever told her sister why she stopped visiting so much.

So, in my oldest daughters mind, if my youngest daughter spends a weekend at my house, then she is "dissing" her.

Oh the drama for a weekend at an amusement park !!!!

I'm going to do it anyway, it's time for my oldest daughters annual silent treatment to me.

Also who can really expect their single 28 yr old sister to spend 1 to 2 weekends a month at your house.

I would love to invite my son and dil for that weekend also, I just don't have the room, but if oldest daughter backs out, then I can do it.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

I always know where to come for a sanity check.

amy55

I know this isn't the right place to post this. It doesn't have anything to do with alcoholism. I just trust everyone here. I don't trust many people.

I know why my oldest daughter, D40, is upset with me. I think it's because she wanted me to move in with her.

I lived with her for awhile when she was pregnant and on bed rest. It was the only time that her house was clean.

I went there this last weekend, her house could be shown on the "Hoarders" show.

I didn't want to say this. I talked to my mom, and my mom was asking about if they ever fixed their front door? No, they didn't, the front door is just rotting away. All it really needed a few years ago was some paint. Now all of the wood is just rotting away.

The kitchen, had ants all over the place. I put my pocketbook on the floor, my daughter asked me to move it because of the ants, I put it on the counter top, she told me that wasn't a good place either.

I was going to take the garbage out, but ants were walking all over it. I got skeeved out. Instead of them taking out the garbage, they just opened up a new garbage bag, and asked my son to take the garbage bag out the next day.

I made this cajun dish for her birthday. Put it in the oven. Smoke alarms went off. So much stuff on the bottom of the oven. It's a self clean oven, but they are afraid to use it because it might cause a fire.

I let the dog out to go to the bathroom. He went right by the door that I let him out of.

Tried to use the bathroom upstairs. It was stuffed up with crap. I had to clean that out. Was afraid to take a shower there.

Can't walk through the rooms, and this was actually cleaner then last year when I was there. Last here I had to walk over boxes to get into the kitchen.

Hallway upstairs, about 6 foot wide, can't walk through the hallway.

Landscaping, .... nothing done since 2007 when I was there. In ground pool was never opened since 2008. Hot tub, completely deteriorating. Possibly not usable. This was a house that they bought for over $600,000.00

See this was all my job. She wanted to take care of me, and in exchange I would do all the maintenance, provide nanny care, do the cooking, the wash, the ironing, cleaning, and pay rent.

She tells me all the time that I put her in the middle of things, and she had the perfect solution for me, but I didn't take it.

I'm still scratching.

amy

Praying

Does she or her husband suffer from depression? Can I say you are doing a fantastic job of minding your own business? I'm not even a clean freak and I'd have had a really hard time not wanting to help or change things while I was there.

53500

Oh my Amy, the state of her house sounds rather dangerous! She needs help. Maybe hire a cleaning service. Her, not you, this is not your house or your problem, really, although I'd be pretty worried about her living in those conditions.

TBH she and her husband sound like drama queens (no disrespect intended, really) and give new meaning to "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".

I think you are right to go ahead and make your plans as you see fit and not worry about her over-the-top reactions.

::hugs::

amy55

[QUOTE=Praying;5416502]Does she or her husband suffer from depression? Can I say you are doing a fantastic job of minding your own business? I'm not even a clean freak and I'd have had a really hard time not wanting to help or change things while I was there.

I would say he has clinical depression, and that she had situational depression.

He only goes out to do food shopping, since he clips food coupons, and the hockey field. Has not had a job since 12/2007. He claims gambling is his job and he make 3 figures a year from that.

That house was clean when I lived there. I keep my mouth shut, but I can't see how 2 people who do not work can't clean a house. I would be mortified if my house looked like that and that I was expecting friends to come over to help clean it up.

amy

hopeful4

Amy...you saved yourself from becoming her slave. Your moving in there would be a nightmare in the making. Oh my.

I would tell them both regardless of their differences you just wanted to invite your girls for a weekend all together. If they want to go, fine. If not, fine.

You are doing great! XXX

healthyagain

Hi Amy,

From what you say, it seems that your oldest daughter has some huge issues that are beyond fixable for an ordinary mortal. When someone gets so sloppy, it indicates some mental issues. So you are expected to cook and clean, be a nanny, do maintenance, and on top of that, pay the rent, and she is taking care of you exactly, how??? And she has issues with her sister not visiting her? Seriously? I do not think that your oldest one is extremely "self-critical."

You are only responsible for your own relationship with other people (and this is 50%), but it is not your responsibility to take care of other people's relationship's with other people. What is between the two of them is their own problem. And you should not be affected at all.