Timetoheal12

Why do I always wake up feeling that way?
It's weird. I go to bed very, very tired everyday since I've been working hard on a final project from college.
I've been going to bed at 2 or 3 am almost everyday, and I always stay in this site a little before finally getting to sleep.
I woke up at 9 am. I haven't gone to school because we don't have classes anymore; we are just working on our projects.

But, like I said, I always wake up feeling terrible.
The feeling subsides during the day, but every other morning feels just the same way. I guess it is part of the letting go/grieving process?

I'm tired of waking up feeling sad.



Also, I talked to a good friend yesterday. She told me I basically wasted two years of my life with exabf. I somehow agree...
But not completely. I do believe he loved me at one point. I felt it. I felt loved, respected, admired, cherished, whatever. I felt it was mutual.
It didn't last long, but I felt it and knew it. It was the very first time I felt something like that, so it wasn't hard to differentiate it from other experiences.

...

I used to be very innocent. Then I met him and now I seem to be a bitter/sad person. This friend told me that I should try to date other people, that it could be helpful for my current position. Honestly, I'm not interested. It's only been a month since he dumped me.

If it wasn't because I went back to him this last time, maybe I should be able to date again at this point, but I took him back and felt in love, and he dumped me, so, I don't really feel like dating, and it's my responsibility. I feel drained, I feel tired... to even think about feeling or expressing love. Right now it's like I'm incapable of it, at least, romantic love.... I don't want to hurt anyone; or try to replace with someone what I once felt with him.

I have never done this in 2 years. I won't do it now.

And you might say I shouldn't be thinking about this, but I will write it out anyway... It is weird. The girl he is dating now is someone he met before we got back together again. And after he met her, he told a mutual friend that he never felt with anyone the way he felt for me. He said "when I looked her in the eyes, I felt like I was a kid, I felt so tiny and excited, happy. I felt like evrything was new and wonderful".
It still saddens me to remind this. I know this mutual friend is an honest guy, so, I know he didn't lied about what my ex told him. And I know he felt that way, cause I felt that way too.

The girl... She's my polar opposite, and when he broke up with me, he said we weren't compatible. So I guess he was right, now he is with someone who is a lot more like him....
I somehow still think he is bad news for her... But I, anyways, still think, that he wasn't like this before, when we met.
It's like that guy is dead.
I've seen other members of SR talk about that in here, how their partners used to be so wonderful, and how alcoholism slowly turned them into souless people.

I don't want to race him to prove who is (seemingly) doing better after the break up. I know him, he always wants to have the upper hand even when he doesn't feels good....
I'm not interested on that, not a tiny bit. I just want to get better, accept him for who he is so I can say "oh, this really wasn't a loss, was it?" and just be happy again and live my life the way I always loved to...

I love being responsible. I love getting to know interesting people and new ideas. I love my career. I love reading and writing. I love making music. I love animals. I love many things. And they are waiting for me to get back with myself. It's like... This is a break up with myself.
A break up that happened long ago, the day he told me I was mentally ill.


Sorry if this was a little long. I felt like writing it today...

And sorry for the typos...

Katchie

Feeling sad is normal for a time. I was married 22 years and have 4 sons by my ex (almost ex). There is a grieving process, there just is. I began my grieving a couple of years ago and feel I'm doing quite well at the moment. You will get there too. If you're not up to dating, thats fine. Maybe just do more things with friends instead. If you need to cry, then cry; there is absolutely nothing wrong with it and tears are very healing.
I do not believe that your time was wasted. You've learned some valuable lessons from loving an alcoholic; I know I have. I now know what I want, do you? I value myself much more these days than I did when living with my stbxah because he zapped everything from me -- my focus was so narrow because it was energy spent all on his addiction. Not anymore and its wonderful.
You're going to be ok with time. Allow yourself that healing time and don't beat yourself up to taking it, you need it.

LemonGirl

Hi hon... it sounds like you're in a whirl wind of emotions still. There are a lot of things you wrote that made me think of responding... but I'll settle on the first part of what you wrote. The sleeping.... I have read before, and I have to agree, that a lack of sleep can trigger negative emotions and good sleep is recommended for codependents. Going to bed at 2/3 and waking up at 9 is only 6-7 hours per night. Anyway.... maybe getting better sleep, staying away from SR before bed (how about reading something positive instead; we have so many heart wrenching stories here), and then waking up and doing a 5 minute meditation where you're thinking on positive things. And don't forget to smile; just smiling alone can induce positive feelings :-)
As for the ex.... I'm one of the few who believe that just because we had relationships with alcoholics does not mean we have idealized everything; a lot of it is probably true. But what is also still true about these relationships is that love.... the love that we deserve... cannot flourish in the environment offered by our prospective afflictions: alcoholism/codependency...

LexieCat

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with feeling the way you are. It's just part of the process, and it will fade. I guarantee you won't feel this way forever. Breakups hurt, no matter how/why they happen. And there's no way of avoiding the hurt, it just has to run its course, like a bad case of the flu.

I agree with LG--take good care of yourself. And nothing you can learn from is ever a "waste"--you learned some valuable lessons about what you do and don't want in a relationship. We all have to go through that as part of growing up.

Timetoheal12

Thanks for letting me know about your experience, Katchie!
Well, I know what I want on terms of goals, career, even personally (dreams, stuff like that). But I think I should think about what I want/need to be, and what I want/need in a partner for the future.


Thanks again! : )

Timetoheal12

I am... Usually, I get very busy during the evening, so I don't have that much time to focus on him or the relationship, and I feel a lot better. But the mornings and some nights are the worst part of the day.

You're right about how I need to sleep more. But I guess I won't be able to do it until I finish the semester.
There's only one week left for that, so, I'll be fine.

I think it is right that it couldn't be a healthy love.
So it's better off this way, even when I miss him/the him I thought he was/the him he used to be... Dunno! But thanks a lot

Timetoheal12

Lexie, I always find your advice really helpful.
Thank you!

maia1234

TTH- I believe that everything is a stepping stone to where you are going. God doesn't do things by mistake. What you had was love and no one can take that away. Loving an addict is so painful.

I am not sure if you have time, as you are studying. But I find when I get up at 6 am and go for a 2 mile walk that I get in a really good mood. I feel great and I am happy with myself that I exercised. Hugs my friend, finals are almost over and then you can try to relax.

ghost99

I do this also.
I can feel calm and happy in the evening before I go to sleep. I have read that it might be because seratonin levels are higher in the evenings and lowest when you first wake up but i am also sure it's a symptom of depression.

Timetoheal12

Maia, sometimes I feel like I was loved. Some other times I just feel like that can't be true.
I mean, he doesn't really care. To him, it was always easy to start going out with girls like I was absolutely replaceable.
It hurts. I wanted it to work, so it hurts.
Thanks for your support.

Timetoheal12

Hmmm. Yes... I guess I'm going to discuss it with my therapist... Thank you.

LexieCat

I also think part of the "feeling sad" is the sense of disorientation. I think when you're in a relationship--whether it's a good one or a bad one--it's part of what your life is. It can feel like it's a big part of who you ARE--so and so's wife, girlfriend. So when it ends, it takes some time to re-establish that sense of who you are without that as part of your frame of reference. The same kind of thing happens with other big life changes--getting married, getting or losing a job, having a baby, having grown kids move out. It takes a while before you feel like "you" again--and that disorienting feeling is disturbing and can make you long for things to be how they used to be. And that's true even with changes that are for the best.

Timetoheal12

It could be. But I think that what saddens me the most right now is the fact that I took him back.
It's like I'm mad at myself, or something like that.

kudzujean

Great post, and I believe you can have that feeling when you change jobs.

dandylion

Timetoheal.....as has been said....these are normal feelings for the aftermathe of a broken romance. It is a process that continues for many weeks...to months....to one or two years in some cases....depending on the individual, of course.
In the big picture...it has only been a few weeks for you....

There is a website that y ou might want to check out....it is called everyday feminism.com.
It deals with the various stages of grief that a person can expect in a situation such as yours....

One thing that DOES help....is to have people to talk to and ruminate with...about your feelings and thoughts....
LOL! I think a lot of us do it with our girlfriends.....
This site might provide some great support for you in this way....

dandylion

Della1968

I don't usually post here because I am the alcoholic. I lost my fiance last year due to my drinking. I just couldn't quit for him. I loved him with all my heart and still do. I guess I just want you to know if you felt loved you were loved.

You will get over it with time but I know it hurts like hell. We addicts usually don't make the best decisions. Just know that he was put on your life path for some reason. So don't have regrets.

Timetoheal12

Thankyou dandylion
I find it hard to talk about this with my friends since I've been a little paranoid. I dunno who can I trust.
But having the opportunity to write in here is great.
My therapist said I should try to date but I haven't told her my ex is an A.
Should I tell her, or should I keep on going with the treatment as if my break up was a regular one?

Timetoheal12

...Maybe I was.
Maybe not.
I felt it was mutual, but as they say, actions speak louder than words...

Still, you're right about him having got into my path for a reason... thanks for your words: )

dandylion

Timetoheal.....why in the WORLD would you not tell your therapist, after all this time, that your ex was an alcoholic?
If I may ask.....is your therapist a male or female?
Is it possible that y ou don't trust your therapist?
I do think that that is a significant piece of information for your therapist to know.

dandylion

Timetoheal12

I did tell her that he liked to drink and probably had an issue with it, but I didn't mention that he was an A.
I study psychology, so I kinda wanted to focus on me, but I think I will discuss this topic with her in our next session, as I really am finding this process harder than expected...