guava

So I know I made two mistakes early this morning and I'm contemplating making my third before the day officially ends. Mistake #1 - I answered the phone when my XAH called at 3am. Mistake #2 - I didn't end the conversation after 60 seconds when I realized he was drunk. So here comes Mistake #3 - I wrote him an email and I want to send it. I want to defend myself against the accusations he made last night. I want to explain why I felt divorce was the right decision. I want to make sure he knows it is unacceptable to call me names and that I will never engage in a conversation with him when he's drunk again. Can someone remind me why we are encouraged to write letters to our As but then are supposed to just throw them away?

ladyscribbler

If it's anything like my ex's drunken rants, he probably doesn't remember any of it, so explaining for the umpteenth time that his accusations are crazy and namecalling is unacceptable behavior probably isn't going to make much of a dent in his awareness.
If you could have a reasonable, adult discussion with him that yielded some fruitful result and ended with mutual satisfaction and understanding, would he be your ex?

Timetoheal12

I agree with ladyscribbler.
I think you shouldn't send it.
Just try to keep the NC from now on...

FeelingGreat

Guava, you're right that you shouldn't have answered the phone, or engaged with him for longer than it takes to say two words, and the second one is 'off'. It's a slip and has only made grief for yourself, but as long as you keep engaging, you'll feed him and feed off him.
Don't send him a justification. It's a waste of time, and I speak from experience. You'll find NC incredibly liberating.

SparkleKitty

[QUOTE="guava;5413238"] I want to make sure he knows it is unacceptable to call me names and that I will never engage in a conversation with him when he's drunk again. /QUOTE]

If you really want him to get this message, don't answer the phone next time. At some point you have to decide whether you want you to be RIGHT or whether you want to live in PEACE because his addiction is not going to let you have both. But the truth is, there isn't anything you can say or do to get your point across if the other person isn't open to it, which he isn't. So you write out your argument for YOU. To remind yourself that your choice to leave was valid. No one else can give that to you. Sending it would be exactly like going to the hardware store for bread. He has nothing for you.

guava

Thank you for the feedback. I didn't send the email (although I haven't deleted it yet either - I'm a work in progress. )

We have a son together so NC is unfortunately not an option. Not sure how to even limit contact right now as I supervise all visitation (total of 4 evenings per week other than the 2 hours on Thursday evenings when I go to my Alanon meeting and Grandma supervises.) My son is happy with this arrangement and keeping him happy (and safe) matters more than me being "right." Gotta let go of this.

hopeful4

If he was drunk he likely won't even remember what he said, which means you are defending yourself against something he has no idea what you are talking about. This is just a reason to continue on with more dialogue.

Chalk it up to a mistake. Accept that he is a going to have drunk ramblings, you cannot rationalize with him. Just accept what it is, go NC for things not related to your son, and move forward. Can you tell I am quite familiar with all of this LOL?

Hugs, tight hugs.

Refiner

I like the two word approach and the 2nd word is "off" Baaaa haaaaaa ha!!!! THAT was funny!

SparkleKitty

Right, so NC is off the table because of your son. But is there even the remotest chance that the 3:00 am phone call was related to your son? Maybe you can start by avoiding that particular brand of BS by turning off the phone while you sleep on that nights your son is with you?

firebolt

You were married - I could guess that over the course of your marriage, you have attempted to reason, defend yourself, and verbalize boundaries. Probably more times than you can count (yeah, me too.) None of that mattered to him then, and it clearly doesn't matter to him now.

You could say "communication via email or text only, and only about our child from here out." Then you have the delete / forward to lawyer option.

Good luck!!

LexieCat

One more suggestion. If you can't bring yourself to hit the "delete" button just yet, delete his email address from the address field. It will delay that impulse to just hit "send."

Wait until tomorrow. Then, when tomorrow comes, wait until the day after that. The urge will pass and you will be glad you didn't send it.

guava

Tonight was the first time I saw him since the drunken rant. He started to apologize (kind of) and then asked me to tell him exactly what he said during the call. He doesn't remember it. Yep, as you all guessed, while his words have been stinging my ears for the last 40 hours he doesn't recall a thing.

I told him I wasn't interested in talking about it and kept myself busy with dinner and other things letting him hang out with my son. I mean what's the point? If I had rehashed all of it it just would have upset me again and what would I have gotten out of it? A weak apology from him and maybe some whacked sense of righteousness on my part? This whole thing is stupid. Time to jump off the carousel.

The "To" field is blank (thanks Lexie) and I'm 95% sure I'll delete it in the morning. I have a feeling if he were ever to get sober and was open to really hearing what I have to say - he'd know the reasons without me having to explain it.