maybear

My dad has come to visit me and my daughter and is staying with us.
On one hand, I am thankful for the company and he is fine during the day. But as soon as it hits drink o'clock I hate it.
The stupid talk starts, the carrying on. But the thing I hate the most, is he is trying to 'parent' my daughter. I knew this would happen because he is very controlling. For example, she was crawling around and got her foot stuck behind a table leg. I went to move her foot and he told me not to and to let her figure it out herself. That is exactly how he parented me (critical and actually downright mean a lot of the time).
He also made a comment about how he won't "let her get away with stuff".
And then it was how I am dressing her too warm for bed.
I feel so angry. He has no right. And the way he talks to me (like I'm an idiot) brings all my childhood sadness back.
He lives in the state I am moving to soon and he has talked a lot about how he wants to take her here and there etc etc.
I have fallen out with him so many times over things he has said while he is drinking. I need to set some boundaries with him particularly in regards to my daughter without losing my cool, which I feel I am about to.
I just got my peace back when my husband left and now he is here drinking and smoking like a chimney. He is only staying for a week but I'm not sure I can stand it.
Any advice would be so appreciated right now.

happybeingme

Ugh. Tough spot. It may be a little late but I would definitely say no smoking in the house or around your daughter. Period. Tell him he can drink but if he gets drunk or wants to get drunk he has to go to a hotel.

You are the mom. She is your daughter. Your dad is welcome to have his opinions on your parenting style but he needs to keep it to himself.

Remember to take a slow deep breath in and out before you talk to him. This will clear your mind and lower your blood pressure . But do speak to him. Sooner rather than later. Waiting will only make it harder.

maybear

I've said no smoking in the house (yuck!) but he smokes outside and when he comes in I can smell it. It's on his clothes as well.
I noticed today he didn't wash his hands after smoking and picked her up so I will have to talk to him tomorrow when he is sober.
He belittles me in regards to parenting. He belittled my mum when they were married too. He treated her like a possession, as was I to him. Now I can see he is trying to do it with my child.
To be honest, I think I will probably end up falling out with him again because even if I set boundaries he won't respect them.

Spalding

Sounds like a not fun situation.

I would still put up the boundaries instead of letting your expectations carry you away. Not only will it help you in knowing what you will and wont expect, and making it clear to yourself and others; it will also give your dad a chance to modify his behaviour. He might not change it, as you suspect. But it will give him something to work with, instead of going the tried and true way of 'falling out'.
Do the work to enforce your boundaries, and let that constructive (though difficult) process do its work in moving your relationship where it needs to be at this point.
So it if it does lead to falling out, know that you still grew from practicing and holding those boundaries. AND that you're helping to break the cycle of dysfunction by constructively dealing with the behaviours of someone, instead of just falling out with them/arguing etc etc?

searching peace

What he is doing and has done is a form of abuse. Have you read "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft? My mother smokes and it took me several times of telling her not to smoke around my children before she would respect my wishes. Finally I told her my daughter has asthma and I cannot afford to take her to the hospital because you choose to smoke. She does not stay with us for that reason, the smoking. And I agree you need to go ahead and set up boundaries now. My parents have totally controlled my situation with my children. They disregard my wishes all of the time. It is as if they are treating my children as their own an extension of them. I wish I had to do all over again. I have accepted financial help from them over the years and so I didn't feel I had the right or ability to cut ties. They have used the money things as a control weapon. I don't want my children to do without but in hindsight, it wasn't worth it. I can give you a lot of examples. If you wan to pm me I am happy to go through some of my experiences of not setting boundaries and the harm it has caused. Your father has no right to treat you or your daughter the way he is. My very best advice based on my experience would be to tell him you think it best if he move to a hotel now. That you would enjoy finishing the visit, but you absolutely cannot have the drinking and smoking in your home and around you and your daughter. And if he gets angry or offended, who cares? Then he can leave. This is your home, not his. This is your daughter, not his. And honestly, you don't want your daughter growing up and being treated the way you were and then the cycle goes on and she marries and alcoholic that is abusive. Stop the vicious cycle now. You have the perfect opportunity to start setting your boundaries before your move.

maia1234

Oh Maybear, you finally get your life in order with AH and now you are being challenged with AD? Yikes, you get a double whammy.

I agree with setting up boundaries. I know that you only have him for a week and it is challenging at best. You totally understand about taking steps backwards with dealing with an selfish, narcissistic alcoholic in your home. You really don't want to even go there. You have come so far learning what is acceptable and what is not in yours and baby maybears life.

In no way are you going to change your dad and even trying is once again like hitting your head against the wall. In my opinion I would disengage with his behavior. Making sure that you two are safe for the next couple days, are most important. I definitely would not set up this scenario again, and tell him he can't really stay with you again if he tries at your new home.

In my opinion its really not worth the fight. He smells, drinks and is obnoxious, how much more fun can you get with your dad???? Take it one day at a time, regroup and do the best you can!!! Keep posting to vent as w e all know its not going to make a bit of difference venting at him!!'

Hugs to the two of you!!!

ladyscribbler

I've been no contact with my abusive, controlling alcoholic father for going on 20 years. He has never met my sons. I heard from my brother (before he went no contact) that dad had quit drinking and was very sanctimonious about it. He also said, "I don't know what I ever did to you kids." Which was what made my brother go no contact.
Second the suggestion on the Lundy Bancroft book. It's a great read, especially for anyone who had a childhood like ours.
Sending hugs and support to you and your precious baby.

Refiner

Oh maybe at what a horrible situation! My AD was rather like yours, but I never hD kids. I hope you set those boundaries (that he won't respect anyway) BEFORE you move out his way so your expectations are made VERY clear. Perhaps a talk should happen in person right now with him, as a matter of fact.

maybear

Thanks everyone.
I had a talk to him this morning about the smoking and touching the baby.
I think I am going to have to find a way of nicely saying that he doesn't need to stay for a week.
I will definitely have to set some boundaries when I move. Without a doubt, I don't want him to be highly influential in her life. He was a bad father to me on so many levels.