First few days of a break up?
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First few days of a break up?
Hi, I was hoping someone might have some advice...
I've been dating someone for a long time who goes in and out of substance abuse issues. I have my own... a lot of sobriety time but since dating him I've been a frequent relapser. Not making that his fault at all, it's just how our dynamic has played out.
As of last night it's now really over. It was mostly my decision, in a certain sense, but the timing was his and very sudden. We'd been talking things over a lot following an incident where he got black out drunk and hooked up with someone else. But it was a kind of minor incident... just kissing... and he didn't remember anything (we both found out from a mutual friend who was there), and I was trying to figure out what to do. Then he told me he might go traveling indefinitely, then he told me he wouldn't, etc. Last night he asked me over to talk about things, showed up late and drunk, and now he's leaving for the weekend to go do drugs with other people and I'm not invited because there's no space in the car. It's his last weekend before he leaves the country and doesn't know when he'll be back so... yeah.
It's been toxic for a long time now, and I should really know better. The pattern is really hard for me. He gets really engaged, gives me a lot of attention, and then gets frustrated and just leaves me. The same thing happened a year ago. We went to couple's counseling, which was his idea, for a month... it was hard on me financially and emotionally but I felt like OK, this person is obviously committed to this so I should try to do this. Then he abruptly went traveling and also opened the relationship. Like literally we spent the morning hooking up and then he was like "Actually I can't do this unless we see other people, I don't want to be limited while I travel" and went off smiling to see the world.
I'm not sure how many times we've broken up at this point, which is sad. But I can say there's a crazy thing where he tends to tell me we should move in together and then break up with me within the next week. The worst always seems to follow the strongest feelings of closeness.
But where do I go from here? I get it, it's an awful relationship. Any of my ideas that maybe we could work it out went away when even the weekend before he leaves, going on a trip with me loses out to going on a trip with other people and getting high. He still wants to keep talking but I know it's over because I might be an idiot emotionally, but intellectually I get it.
My family is far away. My friends are thoroughly exhausted by this drama and I used up all of my cry-on-someone's-couch time a long time ago. When you tell someone you just broke up and they're like "Oh, I didn't know you guys were back together?" that's kind of a bad sign.
I know I need to use this weekend to support myself and be ready for a big project at work on Monday, but I just don't know how. I want to just drink for 3 days but I've recently regained my sobriety and I know that's the most important thing in this whole situation.
Sorry, this thing is so long. I'm kind of venting right now, so maybe one of the answers is keep a journal
. But I really do want to know if anyone has any insight on how to handle this early stage. He's going to keep asking me to be with him, but on his terms and without any reciprocity, and I know I have to say no but I've been failing at that for a long time now.
I've been dating someone for a long time who goes in and out of substance abuse issues. I have my own... a lot of sobriety time but since dating him I've been a frequent relapser. Not making that his fault at all, it's just how our dynamic has played out.
As of last night it's now really over. It was mostly my decision, in a certain sense, but the timing was his and very sudden. We'd been talking things over a lot following an incident where he got black out drunk and hooked up with someone else. But it was a kind of minor incident... just kissing... and he didn't remember anything (we both found out from a mutual friend who was there), and I was trying to figure out what to do. Then he told me he might go traveling indefinitely, then he told me he wouldn't, etc. Last night he asked me over to talk about things, showed up late and drunk, and now he's leaving for the weekend to go do drugs with other people and I'm not invited because there's no space in the car. It's his last weekend before he leaves the country and doesn't know when he'll be back so... yeah.
It's been toxic for a long time now, and I should really know better. The pattern is really hard for me. He gets really engaged, gives me a lot of attention, and then gets frustrated and just leaves me. The same thing happened a year ago. We went to couple's counseling, which was his idea, for a month... it was hard on me financially and emotionally but I felt like OK, this person is obviously committed to this so I should try to do this. Then he abruptly went traveling and also opened the relationship. Like literally we spent the morning hooking up and then he was like "Actually I can't do this unless we see other people, I don't want to be limited while I travel" and went off smiling to see the world.
I'm not sure how many times we've broken up at this point, which is sad. But I can say there's a crazy thing where he tends to tell me we should move in together and then break up with me within the next week. The worst always seems to follow the strongest feelings of closeness.
But where do I go from here? I get it, it's an awful relationship. Any of my ideas that maybe we could work it out went away when even the weekend before he leaves, going on a trip with me loses out to going on a trip with other people and getting high. He still wants to keep talking but I know it's over because I might be an idiot emotionally, but intellectually I get it.
My family is far away. My friends are thoroughly exhausted by this drama and I used up all of my cry-on-someone's-couch time a long time ago. When you tell someone you just broke up and they're like "Oh, I didn't know you guys were back together?" that's kind of a bad sign.
I know I need to use this weekend to support myself and be ready for a big project at work on Monday, but I just don't know how. I want to just drink for 3 days but I've recently regained my sobriety and I know that's the most important thing in this whole situation.
Sorry, this thing is so long. I'm kind of venting right now, so maybe one of the answers is keep a journal
. But I really do want to know if anyone has any insight on how to handle this early stage. He's going to keep asking me to be with him, but on his terms and without any reciprocity, and I know I have to say no but I've been failing at that for a long time now.
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Location: Chicago
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Have you considered going No Contact and blocking him from all means of communication? Sometimes that is the only thing that can get you through the first, roughest part so your head can clear and you can shift your focus back to taking care of yourself.
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Wow. It sounds to me like you've already got this. You know it's not good for you even though you sort of want it so you're trying to protect your decision. That's amazing and frankly a position I have never been able to achieve.
So, no advice, but encouragement. I think you are going to handle this well.
So, no advice, but encouragement. I think you are going to handle this well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 33
Wow thanks shil2587, I feel far from having this down. But it's amazing encouragement to hear that maybe I'm doing better than I think I am.
SparkleKitty... that's been the biggest thing. I just keep answering the phone, or going to meet him, etc. I don't know how to go no contact.
SparkleKitty... that's been the biggest thing. I just keep answering the phone, or going to meet him, etc. I don't know how to go no contact.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by tuitui 
SparkleKitty... that's been the biggest thing. I just keep answering the phone, or going to meet him, etc. I don't know how to go no contact.
Emotionally, I know it is harder to take that step, and it may be that you are not ready just now to go that far. It will require a leap of faith that blocking your ex from contacting you is the only thing that will allow you the time and space you need if you are going to get some perspective on the situation.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
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Maybe if you are not emotionally ready to go no contact, silence his calls and texts. You can make his ringtone "none" on your phone and the same for text. And that way you won't hear when he calls or texts and might be easier not to answer that way??? Sending you hugs for strength. And you congratulations for remaining sober throughout this emotional turmoil.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Thank you. You're right. I just don't feel like I have the strength to do it. I know the answer is to just toughen up and stop talking to him. But I've been trying to do that for a year! I can't believe it's been a literal year since the last time he walked out on me. The other day a friend called me... she and I got close last summer because we were both going through break ups at the same time... she'd been away for a while and just got back. She asked me how I was and I just straight up lied to her. I couldn't bring myself to tell her I was going through a break up because I know some part of her would be like, "wait, didn't we do this last June???"
It's so hard to connect the person I want to be with the person I am. It's no surprise I have drinking problems... I get addicted to people, too. I dated another alcoholic who got drunk one day and tried to beat me up. And I honestly don't know if I would have broken up with him if it hadn't happened in front of all of our friends. I was so heart broken and concerned for him.
I've been in therapy for years about this stuff. And then when it happens again I just act exactly the same way. Trying so hard to stop the pattern but in the moment I react impulsively.
It's so hard to connect the person I want to be with the person I am. It's no surprise I have drinking problems... I get addicted to people, too. I dated another alcoholic who got drunk one day and tried to beat me up. And I honestly don't know if I would have broken up with him if it hadn't happened in front of all of our friends. I was so heart broken and concerned for him.
I've been in therapy for years about this stuff. And then when it happens again I just act exactly the same way. Trying so hard to stop the pattern but in the moment I react impulsively.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Have you heard of love addiction? Google it. Someone on this forum suggested I might be addicted to my stbxah. And then I heard that term. For me, I have found out that I am codependent and have love addiction. It all stems from the neglect and abuse I experienced from my childhood. I had suppressed a lot of the memories and trying to learn about my husbands alcoholism and his being abusive, I have learned about myself and am trying to work on my issues. It is really difficult and I understand a lot of what you are feeling and going through. So many on here can relate to your heartbreak and the yo yo cycle of going back. I do find when it is my choice to go no contact, it is easier for me and it is better for me not to have contact. Once away from stbxah, I am able to clear my head and begin to think rationally and normal again. But it is still difficult and there is still the grieving process. But someone on this forum once said if you stay in that place of missing the A and romanticizing what could have been then you stay stuck. And the sooner you can force yourself to move on, the sooner you can heal and move toward a healthy life and hopefully healthy relationship.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Spend a lot of time learning about WHY you are struggling to detach from an obvious toxic manipulative relationship that is keeping you from moving forward in your life.
I agree with the other poster to read all about codependency and love addiction and add to that the very important subject of how our brains are wired to stay connected to intimate relationships even when they are toxic!
The AHA moment when we understand why we are so stuck on someone who is clearly destructive, selfish and seriously emotionally flawed and unavailable helps us transition to no contact and eventually frees us from the addiction.
You feel "love" for this person but what you and all of are really feeling is our brain dumping chemicals to glue us to the person who is absent... what is not is love in its real sense. True love is when we are bonded to someone who is trustworthy, unselfish, honorable, loving and kind. How can we "love" someone who repeatedly is none of those things?
You are fighting your own body and brain who are instinctively keeping you tied to your qualifier. The only way to break that soul and brain tie is stop reinforcing the thoughts and obsessing on the person. Your brain will create new neural pathways by the thoughts you think and you can control what you choose to think about.
You have to consciously cast down the thoughts about him ASAP and instead focus on what is TRUE not reinforce what are false feelings of "love". Keep your brain focused on getting free and learning every scrap you can about changing your brain, codependency and love addiction. DO make a journal...list every single time you can remember that he hurt and disappointed you. Focus on your NEVER wanting to experience that pain again.... and tell yourself that are deserving of true love. Think about the kind of man you want to find...in detail. Knowing what we want helps us to NOT fall into the fire again with the wrong man!
This is how I escaped a very toxic relationship with a chronic relapser that felt like he the love of my life. It was beyond belief how strongly I felt about that man...I never felt such strong feelings of "love" but I now understand that this had a lot to do with my own broken childhood and relationship with my Alcoholic father. I escaped completly four years ago... since then he has been in and out of jails and been sober for short stints ... I just got a text this morning that he is drinking again and on the streets. He is going to die soon and that is sad but I had no emotional reaction to the news. I am free from being tied to his choice to eventually die in his addiction.
You can be free.... you can find happiness and joy and choose your destiny if you throw off the anchor that is keeping you in this horrible limbo state. Retrain your brain, control your brain and what is chooses to dwell on. If you choose this path you can choose how long it is until you are completely free and the time is greatly shortened when you cut all ties and contacts. Don't let thoughts of him enter into your life....it takes times but it eventually lessens and lessens until he is GONE physically, mentally and emotionally.
Hope that helps...
I agree with the other poster to read all about codependency and love addiction and add to that the very important subject of how our brains are wired to stay connected to intimate relationships even when they are toxic!
The AHA moment when we understand why we are so stuck on someone who is clearly destructive, selfish and seriously emotionally flawed and unavailable helps us transition to no contact and eventually frees us from the addiction.
You feel "love" for this person but what you and all of are really feeling is our brain dumping chemicals to glue us to the person who is absent... what is not is love in its real sense. True love is when we are bonded to someone who is trustworthy, unselfish, honorable, loving and kind. How can we "love" someone who repeatedly is none of those things?
You are fighting your own body and brain who are instinctively keeping you tied to your qualifier. The only way to break that soul and brain tie is stop reinforcing the thoughts and obsessing on the person. Your brain will create new neural pathways by the thoughts you think and you can control what you choose to think about.
You have to consciously cast down the thoughts about him ASAP and instead focus on what is TRUE not reinforce what are false feelings of "love". Keep your brain focused on getting free and learning every scrap you can about changing your brain, codependency and love addiction. DO make a journal...list every single time you can remember that he hurt and disappointed you. Focus on your NEVER wanting to experience that pain again.... and tell yourself that are deserving of true love. Think about the kind of man you want to find...in detail. Knowing what we want helps us to NOT fall into the fire again with the wrong man!
This is how I escaped a very toxic relationship with a chronic relapser that felt like he the love of my life. It was beyond belief how strongly I felt about that man...I never felt such strong feelings of "love" but I now understand that this had a lot to do with my own broken childhood and relationship with my Alcoholic father. I escaped completly four years ago... since then he has been in and out of jails and been sober for short stints ... I just got a text this morning that he is drinking again and on the streets. He is going to die soon and that is sad but I had no emotional reaction to the news. I am free from being tied to his choice to eventually die in his addiction.
You can be free.... you can find happiness and joy and choose your destiny if you throw off the anchor that is keeping you in this horrible limbo state. Retrain your brain, control your brain and what is chooses to dwell on. If you choose this path you can choose how long it is until you are completely free and the time is greatly shortened when you cut all ties and contacts. Don't let thoughts of him enter into your life....it takes times but it eventually lessens and lessens until he is GONE physically, mentally and emotionally.
Hope that helps...
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Thank you, searching peace. I'm googling and reading about love addiction. I didn't know that term.
It does sound like me. I grew up with a physically abusive sibling. When I fall in love with someone, I'm really engaged and probably over-sensitive. It's like I have a refusal to understand when the negatives out weigh the positives. The person I'm in love with just becomes so... real. When you spend your childhood empathizing with someone who's hurting you... it makes it so hard to act on hurt when you're older. When it's your family, when you're young... you learn to just deal and weather the storm. And you love that person and you understand the nuances of what is making them be that way in any given moment. The people that hurt you are hurt themselves. You learn to see their pain. In relationships instead of protecting myself, I see what's happening with them and that becomes so focal to me. When I was a kid, I would have to drop everything to make my sibling ok. When we had babysitters, oh my god. I was so much younger than them but they would get scared of her and tell me to go in and "talk" to her. And I would, and I would get hurt, but I still loved her and I understood where her rage was coming from.
Sorry. Day 2 of break up, rambling like mad. I guess it looks like this will be the day where I just fall apart. While he has a nice trip on the beach. But maybe by tomorrow I can deal with this.
It does sound like me. I grew up with a physically abusive sibling. When I fall in love with someone, I'm really engaged and probably over-sensitive. It's like I have a refusal to understand when the negatives out weigh the positives. The person I'm in love with just becomes so... real. When you spend your childhood empathizing with someone who's hurting you... it makes it so hard to act on hurt when you're older. When it's your family, when you're young... you learn to just deal and weather the storm. And you love that person and you understand the nuances of what is making them be that way in any given moment. The people that hurt you are hurt themselves. You learn to see their pain. In relationships instead of protecting myself, I see what's happening with them and that becomes so focal to me. When I was a kid, I would have to drop everything to make my sibling ok. When we had babysitters, oh my god. I was so much younger than them but they would get scared of her and tell me to go in and "talk" to her. And I would, and I would get hurt, but I still loved her and I understood where her rage was coming from.
Sorry. Day 2 of break up, rambling like mad. I guess it looks like this will be the day where I just fall apart. While he has a nice trip on the beach. But maybe by tomorrow I can deal with this.
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Thank you, Hopeworks. I also felt an extreme connection with this man... it was instantaneous. And then grew. It's so hard to reconcile that part with the fact that he doesn't treat me well. This man has given me so much joy. When he's sober and engaged, we have had so much fun together. I'm so scared to walk away from that, even though I know I have to. But you're right, I can be free of this. I have to be. I'm glad you got out of your situation and I hope I can be saying that soon too. I'm just... same disclaimer as above. Day 1 was all reason and logic, Day 2 just started with instant sadness. I'm kind of weepy right now so not really as articulate as I'd like.
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I agree that you really need to block him so you don't get Hoovered back in while you work on yourself to make yourself happy with YOU... your true happiness should not be dependent on another person. Ask him to please respect your boundary that he not contact you as well.
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