Liveitwell

Crying at work right now. Thinking about how he used to be-and how hard he tried in every other thing, truly. I remember there were many nights after a great day or time doing something together and he would come over and kiss me, a huge kiss, and tell me he loved me and in that moment my heart would break bc I knew that whatever promise he had made was out the window. He was going to drink, regardless of our plans or anything else. The person I married is not the monster he's turned into....is this just pure unadulterated alcoholism abd what happens to them? I know he is still in there....I know it. But knowing something and doing something about it are two different things. Talk vs actions-i know!
He hasn't paid me any child support, done anything the decree states, is just now doing his taxes, got a call from debt collection agency yesterday re his student loans, hasn't seen his kids in over two months, he's not working, still drinking....of course these are all my fault (in his head).
what happened to him?!?! This is not the man I married! It's hard, so damn hard, to not step in. Does that old person ever return? Where did the good in him go?

Hopeless1978

I'm so sorry you're going through this!! I am in the same boat except I wasn't married. I've been sober just over a month now and it's been the same amount of time since my ex and I broke up, we were together for 4 years. I miss the man I fell in love with. The man that made me feel like the only girl in the world, on TOP of the world! The man that would constantly tell me how lucky he was to meet me, how much he adored me and told me never to forget why we fell in love!! The man that would for no reason, would kiss me on my forehead. Then? What happened? The constant drinking together that took the best thing I've ever had, AWAY from me!! I'm so upset because I know it's truly over with us. I don't think we'll ever get back what we "had" no matter how hard we try, because in the back of my mind, I don't ever think I can get over all of the hurtful and cruel things he's ever said to me when he was drunk (and even not drunk near the end). You just can't forget certain things and every time I looked at him in the last month we were together, all of those hateful words poured right back into my head and my heart was once again broken.
I feel very sorry for you, but know that you're not alone in this.
Did you drink as well, or just him??
I'll pray for you that things get better for you.
I've taken plenty of "crying bathroom breaks" here at work. Today is a really hard day for me, but I have to just KNOW that I will be fine.
I'm sorry

Liveitwell

I was an alki as well-have been sober almost three years. Yes-I did love him, truly-purely.

Liveitwell

^^ when I was drinking I was a lunatic at times. Definitely acted in ways I wish I hadn't. My entire personality changed after I quit - and I was back to myself. The drinking just was not good for me.

Hopeless1978

Congrats on your sobriety!!
Do you and him talk at all? I know you said it's been 2 months since he's seen his children.
Hopefully his true rock bottom is soon and he realizes he wants to clean himself up for you and your family. We can only hope, right?

Hopeless1978

Yes! That's how "I" was too! It just kept getting worse too! Every fight, I was meaner with the things I said and my attitude. He, on the other hand said things to me that he knew would truly, TRULY hurt me!! I am so much better sober and my personality is WAY better too! I can have JUST as much fun without drinking, not to mention half of the time before, I didn't even remember much the next day!! UGH! I DON'T miss that nonsense!

firebolt

I'm so sorry. You know all these answers - and they are so painful.

I hope your husband is one of the ones that comes back, and no matter what happens with him, you and the kids are going to be OK! (((HUGS))) to you and your family.

hopeful4

Oh babe, detatch, quickly. Stop these marches down memory lane. I am not trying to be hurtful, this is about self preservation. You have always known he could go down the road to ruin. This is what addiction has the potential to do to a person. It's tragic.

Please take care of you and your kids. Many hugs.

Hopeless1978

That's some advice I need too!! I need to understand my ex and I will never have what we once had. Too much has happened! I should've NEVER given him another chance after he got physical with me. I should've just ended it right then and there! What I can't stop thinking of is if he quits or drastically cuts down, that someone else will get him at what his best was that I once had! Ugh!!

Liveitwell

I know. He is what he is right now...he's not that person I married anymore. Addiction truly has stolen him and warped him. I never wanted what we had back in the beginning-that's infatuation and it's fleeting. I wanted my husband to get better so we could both, jointly, lead our family out of sin and addiction and leave that legacy for our kids. I wanted my husband to tell the truth. Hopeful, I know! It's tragic...I know what drinking did to me and how it warped my sense of decision making....it's horrible to see and know everything happening to him is NOT because of me-but HIM and his choices. Tough crap to swallow.

hopeful4

It is tough crap to swallow. However, you my friend, are one tough cookie. You have been through so much, and are still grieving, and that's ok. Stay strong, you did everything in your power you could do, and that is what counts. Let go, let God.

Eauchiche

I know all about it. Today is our 11 year wedding anniversary. We were together 14 years.
I don't know how well they can recover their old personality. Frankly, the way alcohol changes their brains, it doesn't sound very good.
I hope you can get a good therapist and AlAnon if you don't already have one.
As horrible as losing a mate through death must be, it HAS to be easier than this!

maybear

I'm sorry Forourgirls. It is so incredibly painful to lose someone to alcohol addiction.
It is hard to imagine how they could let it get to that point.
My husband too was once handsome, clever, employed, well kept and funny.
Then he lost his family, his job, his hygiene, his money and his dignity. He behaves like a child, not a responsible adult.
It is hard to accept. They are not dead but it feels like it in a way because the person they once were is no longer.
You are grieving.
Keep moving through your feelings and talking them out as you are. The only way forward is through these dark days xx

searching peace

I am so sorry that you are hurting. So many of us on here know your pain only too well. I wish I had some sage words of wisdom for you. But I'm still grieving and hurting over my husband as well. I'm not on the other side yet. At this stage it is so difficult to even imagine being able to get to the other side. There are moments that my husband seems normal and seems to know and understand exactly what he has done and continues to do to hurt me. But knowing, understanding and doing something to change these behaviors is very different. I would love for more of the people that have had success stories with their A's recovery and their own, to tell us how it occurred for them. I have heard they have to hit rock bottom. But I do not know how anyone hits rock bottom when they continue to shift blame to us. This is such a frustrating horrible thing to have to experience for all of us. Getting healthy seems so daunting for me. I can only imagine what it feels like for my husband. Sending you hugs!!! I am going to say a prayer for all of us hurting tonight to find peace and happiness soon. Stay strong, your girls need you. And you are a wonderful role model to them in your sobriety.

Liveitwell

Thanks, guys goodnight!