The Truth About Codependency: Relationship Addiction
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The Truth About Codependency: Relationship Addiction
Gerlach is a systems (family systems therapist), and a professional trauma recovery therapist. He has some pretty eye opening views on codependency. Where I felt like Melanie Beattie really went over all of a codependent's characteristics, Gerlach seems to focus on what he calls a fact, that codependency is an addiction to relationships and should be treated just like an addiction. Most of us here, I have found, tend to follow this thinking about codependency.
Anyway.... I got to thinking, like always... lol.... And I had said something in another person's thread the other day about how an alcoholic will use alcohol to mask pain. Gerlach suggests that we (codependents) do the same thing, only with people. It was like a light bulb went off for me! I mean, I've heard this said over and over, but I didn't "get it", ya know? Instead of thinking that I was trying to keep these people around to 'fill a void'.... because I couldn't reconcile the fact that I've always been pretty independent and I don't really feel lonely or mind being single and alone, so I didn't understand this. Even though I want a good relationship... It's the way I want the relationship is the problem.
Gerlach talks about inner pain and uncomfortable feelings. What I've been doing with these relationships is trying to make my life seem complete. Somewhere in my mind, I felt as if everyone around me had something I didn't.... complete families.... a partner to do life with.... they were in love.... they had someone there....
I never wanted to call that desperation. But it is. Desperate to have this "thing" that I perceived everyone around me had. What I thought my mom and my step father had. This idea of some magical love.
So I continued to settle. Not only to settle, but to repeat a cycle that was set up in my childhood with my real dad, forever seeking out men who could not ever live up to my expectations. I knowingly enter into these relationships with the idea that "if only he would change it would prove that he loves me..." I could apply that same line to my real dad "...if only he would change it would prove that he loved me..." Crazy huh? This is my wound. My source of pain. Not only do I repeat this cycle, but as a codependent, it is convenient to have a partner that cannot communicate properly so that my true self is never discovered and I don't really have to show who I am and be that real... that open... so that I never get rejected.
But what happens, just like the addict, is that I settle. And when I settle, I end up with someone who creates MORE chaos and MORE pain and then I get to feel ashamed for having chosen such a partner. And the shame of having such a jaded past in my choices in men is what then drives me to try and find "someone better". So that I can prove to myself and to those around me that I am okay.... my life IS complete... I am normal.
It is the same vicious cycle that addicts find themselves in. Pain... then drink or drug... then feel ashamed and guilty and depressed... and then to take care of that pain, they drink or drug again. And it keeps going...
And those of us who choose people as our addictions? We feel pain... then we find someone to make us feel better... and then when reality tries to set in, we feel shame, and guilt, and depression about who we are with, and so in order to take care of the pain (just like the addict, instead of turning inward), we either try to fix the relationship, deny anything bad is happening, cover it up with stories, believe it will change, try to change the other person, etc, etc.... And of course, the pain is then doubled and we continue the cycle. Am I making sense? lol.... Sorry, just needed to write this out and see what others have found in their own journeys... This was pretty eye opening for me. It just seems so clear at the moment. It also helps me understand why it is so necessary for me to stay away from xabf and focus on myself. He can do him, and I can do me.
Here is a great You Tube link where gerlach (not even sure if that's his real name! sorry!) talks about codependency. And the second link is about self love... I really liked this one too!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6q6R8WZGIQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi2VsspnN94
Anyway.... I got to thinking, like always... lol.... And I had said something in another person's thread the other day about how an alcoholic will use alcohol to mask pain. Gerlach suggests that we (codependents) do the same thing, only with people. It was like a light bulb went off for me! I mean, I've heard this said over and over, but I didn't "get it", ya know? Instead of thinking that I was trying to keep these people around to 'fill a void'.... because I couldn't reconcile the fact that I've always been pretty independent and I don't really feel lonely or mind being single and alone, so I didn't understand this. Even though I want a good relationship... It's the way I want the relationship is the problem.
Gerlach talks about inner pain and uncomfortable feelings. What I've been doing with these relationships is trying to make my life seem complete. Somewhere in my mind, I felt as if everyone around me had something I didn't.... complete families.... a partner to do life with.... they were in love.... they had someone there....
I never wanted to call that desperation. But it is. Desperate to have this "thing" that I perceived everyone around me had. What I thought my mom and my step father had. This idea of some magical love.
So I continued to settle. Not only to settle, but to repeat a cycle that was set up in my childhood with my real dad, forever seeking out men who could not ever live up to my expectations. I knowingly enter into these relationships with the idea that "if only he would change it would prove that he loves me..." I could apply that same line to my real dad "...if only he would change it would prove that he loved me..." Crazy huh? This is my wound. My source of pain. Not only do I repeat this cycle, but as a codependent, it is convenient to have a partner that cannot communicate properly so that my true self is never discovered and I don't really have to show who I am and be that real... that open... so that I never get rejected.
But what happens, just like the addict, is that I settle. And when I settle, I end up with someone who creates MORE chaos and MORE pain and then I get to feel ashamed for having chosen such a partner. And the shame of having such a jaded past in my choices in men is what then drives me to try and find "someone better". So that I can prove to myself and to those around me that I am okay.... my life IS complete... I am normal.
It is the same vicious cycle that addicts find themselves in. Pain... then drink or drug... then feel ashamed and guilty and depressed... and then to take care of that pain, they drink or drug again. And it keeps going...
And those of us who choose people as our addictions? We feel pain... then we find someone to make us feel better... and then when reality tries to set in, we feel shame, and guilt, and depression about who we are with, and so in order to take care of the pain (just like the addict, instead of turning inward), we either try to fix the relationship, deny anything bad is happening, cover it up with stories, believe it will change, try to change the other person, etc, etc.... And of course, the pain is then doubled and we continue the cycle. Am I making sense? lol.... Sorry, just needed to write this out and see what others have found in their own journeys... This was pretty eye opening for me. It just seems so clear at the moment. It also helps me understand why it is so necessary for me to stay away from xabf and focus on myself. He can do him, and I can do me.
Here is a great You Tube link where gerlach (not even sure if that's his real name! sorry!) talks about codependency. And the second link is about self love... I really liked this one too!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6q6R8WZGIQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi2VsspnN94
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
The way I dealt with my unraveling relationship, was I drank with him.
Thanks for an excellent post. I will explore this gentleman's work further.
Thanks for an excellent post. I will explore this gentleman's work further.
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Talking with a counselor well versed with addiction (even our kind), she said that many researchers believe that codependency is at the heart of EVERY addiction. That is part of the reason so many friends and family of alcoholics become alcoholics themselves.
Interesting.
When the magnitude of ABF's affliction originally hit me, the thought of alcohol made me physically ill. I quit drinking much at all. Now, 4 years on, I find myself considering a cheap, easy numbed evening to get rid of the stress of the day here and there.
We are more similar to them than we want to admit, and THAT scares the hell out of me.
Interesting.
When the magnitude of ABF's affliction originally hit me, the thought of alcohol made me physically ill. I quit drinking much at all. Now, 4 years on, I find myself considering a cheap, easy numbed evening to get rid of the stress of the day here and there.
We are more similar to them than we want to admit, and THAT scares the hell out of me.
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I had my last drink in March of 2014 when we split.
Am I an alcoholic? Probably not, but I have a pattern for many years of my use gradually increasing to ridiculous levels.
So, I made the decision to just quit altogether. I don't miss the stuff, and I am a lot healthier.
Am I an alcoholic? Probably not, but I have a pattern for many years of my use gradually increasing to ridiculous levels.
So, I made the decision to just quit altogether. I don't miss the stuff, and I am a lot healthier.
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Lemongirl. I'm probably in a similar boat, except that I've never been in a relationship ever. Which bothers me in ways. It's probably a defense thing, which I don't like. While I know it's probably a defense thing, I dont understand or see the defense, and so I'm at a loss as to where to even start to bring them down...
Oy.
Oy.
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Originally Posted by Spalding
Lemongirl. I'm probably in a similar boat, except that I've never been in a relationship ever. Which bothers me in ways. It's probably a defense thing, which I don't like. While I know it's probably a defense thing, I dont understand or see the defense, and so I'm at a loss as to where to even start to bring them down...
Oy.
Oy.
I get what you're saying... I think. I am aware of where all my nonsense started and why I continued certain behaviors, but I do all of it so subconsciously now that I can't see situations for what they are right off the bat. I can't put my finger on what it is that ultimately attracts me to the wrong person. And I don't know where to start in order to change that. I can make a million healthy choices, but somehow, I still land in the arms of someone who is unhealthy. I think it has something to do with not having my brain hard wired for what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.
It's like we are training ourselves from scratch, only instead of having puddy to work with (like the mind of a child), we have hard boulders that now have to be carved.
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Originally Posted by firebolt
Talking with a counselor well versed with addiction (even our kind), she said that many researchers believe that codependency is at the heart of EVERY addiction. That is part of the reason so many friends and family of alcoholics become alcoholics themselves.
Interesting.
When the magnitude of ABF's affliction originally hit me, the thought of alcohol made me physically ill. I quit drinking much at all. Now, 4 years on, I find myself considering a cheap, easy numbed evening to get rid of the stress of the day here and there.
We are more similar to them than we want to admit, and THAT scares the hell out of me.
Interesting.
When the magnitude of ABF's affliction originally hit me, the thought of alcohol made me physically ill. I quit drinking much at all. Now, 4 years on, I find myself considering a cheap, easy numbed evening to get rid of the stress of the day here and there.
We are more similar to them than we want to admit, and THAT scares the hell out of me.
Even in Codependent No More Beattie talks about how codependent people often begin their own addictions to cope with life. So, I'd believe what that counselor said. It sounds reasonable to believe that.
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I looked at severAl of his videos and some of his website. What a kind and generous man to put all of that work into explaining a path out of addiction. I've long seen how my H and I are twinsies in being somehow wounded in our childhood. It makes my stomach roll with recognition that's for sure!
But I kept thinking that the 12 Steps will get you there too.
My H has a lot of denial and maybe someday I could slide Breaking the Cycle his way. He will not address his inner issues., so knowing of an alternative is always a good thing.
Thanks for posting this LemonGirl!
But I kept thinking that the 12 Steps will get you there too.
My H has a lot of denial and maybe someday I could slide Breaking the Cycle his way. He will not address his inner issues., so knowing of an alternative is always a good thing.
Thanks for posting this LemonGirl!
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Agree 100%. I had my codependent relationship in my tenth year of sobriety and could easily see the parallels. In both cases I craved something that wasn't good for me. Alcohol and this person didn't enhance my life, they diminished it. I used both to escape my internal pain (although neither worked) and needed a 12 Step program for both. The compulsion to drink was identical to the compulsion to cling to a very screwed up person incapable of a relationship. I quickly got Alanon after years of AA.
AA taught me I am responsible for all words and actions and Alanon taught me I'm equally responsible for the consequences when I pick the wrong person.
AA taught me I am responsible for all words and actions and Alanon taught me I'm equally responsible for the consequences when I pick the wrong person.
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I really need to read this thread. When I first found out my husband was an alcoholic, I get rid of all alcohol in the house and didn't have one drop with him or without. It wasn't until recently that I have found I drink more than he seems to. I will have a couple glasses of wine or a couple mixed drinks with dinner. I am very petite, and I used to get very tipsy on one drink and two would have me under the table. But my tolerance is building up now. I know I don't have to drink. And I don't crave it. I thought alcoholism was a disease and hereditary. I didn't think anyone could become an alcoholic just by drinking too much too often. There is so much I don't know about all of this.
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"So I continued to settle. Not only to settle, but to repeat a cycle that was set up in my childhood with my real dad, forever seeking out men who could not ever live up to my expectations. I knowingly enter into these relationships with the idea that "if only he would change it would prove that he loves me..." I could apply that same line to my real dad "...if only he would change it would prove that he loved me..." Crazy huh? "
Not crazy..... everything you shared makes a 100 % sense to me and I, too have had much clarity on this issue lately. I kept recreating my childhood...attaching myself to unattainable people trying to force a different outcome!
Not crazy..... everything you shared makes a 100 % sense to me and I, too have had much clarity on this issue lately. I kept recreating my childhood...attaching myself to unattainable people trying to force a different outcome!
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I second SuzyMarie in her post's entirety. Until I learned to deal with our childhood scars in a healthier way, I continued to try to heal them through unhealthy relationships. All the while avoiding the fact that the only person I really wasn't "good enough" for anymore was myself. And that was something I *did* have the power to change.
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Gosh I so relate to everything you said, LemonGirl. I just ended a 2 year relationship with my boyfriend that I thought was my soulmate, but in reality we were both just so entirely codependent on each other that we felt comfortable.
He never met my expectations- I was constantly thinking, if only he would do this then I would know he really loved me. I allowed him to cross every boundary of mine. I'm not even sure I had any boundaries. It got to the point that I would go along with whatever he said, just to avoid conflict. I isolated myself and made him my everything.
With him gone now, I feel my self esteem and self worth left right along with him. I'm not even sure who I am. I've always been in relationships where I have just picked up the hobbies and likes of the other person. I'm determined to change this habit this time around.
Of course my ex-boyfriend is constantly calling and texting me wanting to get back together- I was always trying to do everything for him to please him. I have to just block him, as hard as it is, and focus on myself.
I'm glad I'm not alone in this.
He never met my expectations- I was constantly thinking, if only he would do this then I would know he really loved me. I allowed him to cross every boundary of mine. I'm not even sure I had any boundaries. It got to the point that I would go along with whatever he said, just to avoid conflict. I isolated myself and made him my everything.
With him gone now, I feel my self esteem and self worth left right along with him. I'm not even sure who I am. I've always been in relationships where I have just picked up the hobbies and likes of the other person. I'm determined to change this habit this time around.
Of course my ex-boyfriend is constantly calling and texting me wanting to get back together- I was always trying to do everything for him to please him. I have to just block him, as hard as it is, and focus on myself.
I'm glad I'm not alone in this.
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Originally Posted by laur24
Gosh I so relate to everything you said, LemonGirl. I just ended a 2 year relationship with my boyfriend that I thought was my soulmate, but in reality we were both just so entirely codependent on each other that we felt comfortable.
He never met my expectations- I was constantly thinking, if only he would do this then I would know he really loved me. I allowed him to cross every boundary of mine. I'm not even sure I had any boundaries. It got to the point that I would go along with whatever he said, just to avoid conflict. I isolated myself and made him my everything.
With him gone now, I feel my self esteem and self worth left right along with him. I'm not even sure who I am. I've always been in relationships where I have just picked up the hobbies and likes of the other person. I'm determined to change this habit this time around.
Of course my ex-boyfriend is constantly calling and texting me wanting to get back together- I was always trying to do everything for him to please him. I have to just block him, as hard as it is, and focus on myself.
I'm glad I'm not alone in this.
He never met my expectations- I was constantly thinking, if only he would do this then I would know he really loved me. I allowed him to cross every boundary of mine. I'm not even sure I had any boundaries. It got to the point that I would go along with whatever he said, just to avoid conflict. I isolated myself and made him my everything.
With him gone now, I feel my self esteem and self worth left right along with him. I'm not even sure who I am. I've always been in relationships where I have just picked up the hobbies and likes of the other person. I'm determined to change this habit this time around.
Of course my ex-boyfriend is constantly calling and texting me wanting to get back together- I was always trying to do everything for him to please him. I have to just block him, as hard as it is, and focus on myself.
I'm glad I'm not alone in this.
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Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I absolutely agree with this. I know I had to heal my own addiction (codependency) just like an addict.
And, because it's a lifelong process of constantly growing and finding more and more self awareness, I knew there would never be a right time to start a new relationship or change careers or face my fears, etc I choose to live life and be open to whatever my Higher Power has in store for me.
My favorite saying from my meeting is "Progress not Perfection". Honestly, the most important thing I've learned from reading Codependent No More and from therapy for 3 years is that I will never live for someone else ever again no matter how much I want to enmesh my life with theirs. One of the things my BF admires about me is that I go on girls' weekends with my friends, that I visit family out of state even when he his available to me, that I turn him down for dates sometimes because it's my yoga night or meeting night or "I need some time to myself' night. Basically, I practice serious self care and it helps me stay balanced no matter how crazy in the head I may get, lol. It's a daily process and I know I will have to do it forever!
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