Signs of emotional abuse
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Join Date: May 2010
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Signs of emotional abuse
I read this today, and it pertains to so many here that I just had to post it. I am sorry it's long, but I don't think many here recognize when they are experiencing this sort of abuse. I did not when it was happening until the very end of my marriage....Please Read!
SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE....
1. Repeated cheating: One affair doesn’t have to be a deal breaker for your marriage; many marriages dealing with infidelity recover and become even stronger. At the same time – as with any destructive behavior – repeated or on-going affairs with no willingness to change is a big danger sign. These affairs are intended to hurt you, or at least show a complete disregard for your feelings and needs. These are signs of emotional abuse and reasons for divorce.
2. Aggressing – Emotionally aggressive behavior includes blaming, ordering or commanding, threatening, accusing, criticizing, and name-calling. Aggression can also be quite subtle and a bit harder to recognize than outright insults. An abuser may insist on doing things his way (overriding your opinion) or try to prove he is intellectually superior. An aggressive abuser often uses words or actions to show they he has the ultimate say in the marriage and invalidate the victim and her ideas.
3. Denying – Denying (withholding intimacy, the “silent treatment,” abandonment, and more) as a form of punishment is a common marriage mistake many of us make when we are upset at our spouses. This type of behavior has no place in a marriage! These can also be signs of emotional abuse when denying behavior is severe and ongoing.
An abuser may deny her victim by not listening or talking to him, acting as if he is not in the room. Thus, the abuser is able to emotionally withdraw from the situation and the victim. Being able to frame her spouse as an object, lesser and not worthy of normal interaction, helps the abuser to psychologically prepare for greater abuse.
An abuser may also deny her negative behavior or harming the spouse
signs of emotional abuse
If you have questions about signs of emotional abuse in your marriage, talk to a trusted friend or counselor.
(with words or blows). She may claim to not remember any such thing happening. This means the abuser is overruling anything the victim says, thinks, or feels which, consequently, disrupts the victim’s sense of reality. He may no longer rely on their own judgment or feel he can trust his personal experience.
4. Minimizing – Minimizing occurs when the abuser acknowledges his hurtful behavior but trivializes the incident to imply the victim is blowing it out of proportion. He may say things like, “Stop exaggerating,” or “You are being way too sensitive.” Again, these signs of emotional abuse question the victim’s sanity and the validity of her emotions.
5. Guilting – Guilting is another common behavior in many relationships, yet it is actually one of the signs of emotional abuse and has no place in a marriage at any degree. Guilting uses subtle criticism to attack the spouse’s self-esteem and coerce him into obeying the abuser by, confusingly, framing the abuser as the victim! Your spouse may say things like, “If you were a good husband you would…” or “You don’t care about me! If you did you would…” This plays on the victim’s love, trust and care for his abusive partner. If your spouse often makes you feel guilty for not doing things her way, or for any independent behavior, to the point where you feel like a “bad” person and must obey her, you are likely in an emotionally abusive relationship.
SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE....
1. Repeated cheating: One affair doesn’t have to be a deal breaker for your marriage; many marriages dealing with infidelity recover and become even stronger. At the same time – as with any destructive behavior – repeated or on-going affairs with no willingness to change is a big danger sign. These affairs are intended to hurt you, or at least show a complete disregard for your feelings and needs. These are signs of emotional abuse and reasons for divorce.
2. Aggressing – Emotionally aggressive behavior includes blaming, ordering or commanding, threatening, accusing, criticizing, and name-calling. Aggression can also be quite subtle and a bit harder to recognize than outright insults. An abuser may insist on doing things his way (overriding your opinion) or try to prove he is intellectually superior. An aggressive abuser often uses words or actions to show they he has the ultimate say in the marriage and invalidate the victim and her ideas.
3. Denying – Denying (withholding intimacy, the “silent treatment,” abandonment, and more) as a form of punishment is a common marriage mistake many of us make when we are upset at our spouses. This type of behavior has no place in a marriage! These can also be signs of emotional abuse when denying behavior is severe and ongoing.
An abuser may deny her victim by not listening or talking to him, acting as if he is not in the room. Thus, the abuser is able to emotionally withdraw from the situation and the victim. Being able to frame her spouse as an object, lesser and not worthy of normal interaction, helps the abuser to psychologically prepare for greater abuse.
An abuser may also deny her negative behavior or harming the spouse
signs of emotional abuse
If you have questions about signs of emotional abuse in your marriage, talk to a trusted friend or counselor.
(with words or blows). She may claim to not remember any such thing happening. This means the abuser is overruling anything the victim says, thinks, or feels which, consequently, disrupts the victim’s sense of reality. He may no longer rely on their own judgment or feel he can trust his personal experience.
4. Minimizing – Minimizing occurs when the abuser acknowledges his hurtful behavior but trivializes the incident to imply the victim is blowing it out of proportion. He may say things like, “Stop exaggerating,” or “You are being way too sensitive.” Again, these signs of emotional abuse question the victim’s sanity and the validity of her emotions.
5. Guilting – Guilting is another common behavior in many relationships, yet it is actually one of the signs of emotional abuse and has no place in a marriage at any degree. Guilting uses subtle criticism to attack the spouse’s self-esteem and coerce him into obeying the abuser by, confusingly, framing the abuser as the victim! Your spouse may say things like, “If you were a good husband you would…” or “You don’t care about me! If you did you would…” This plays on the victim’s love, trust and care for his abusive partner. If your spouse often makes you feel guilty for not doing things her way, or for any independent behavior, to the point where you feel like a “bad” person and must obey her, you are likely in an emotionally abusive relationship.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Excellent info hopeful, thanks so much.
I can definitely admit that this is something RAH & I are both guilty of, in different ways. I used to be a master of denying & guilting, he was more skilled as a minimizer with a little aggression thrown in. I always rationalized my behavior as retaliation to his & for the longest time I could not see myself in any other way. I couldn't grasp that I could choose a different reaction. I'm so grateful to have learned better tools in recovery!
I can definitely admit that this is something RAH & I are both guilty of, in different ways. I used to be a master of denying & guilting, he was more skilled as a minimizer with a little aggression thrown in. I always rationalized my behavior as retaliation to his & for the longest time I could not see myself in any other way. I couldn't grasp that I could choose a different reaction. I'm so grateful to have learned better tools in recovery!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
I see #4 minimizing a lot. The minimizing is nothing but rationalizing their behavior. Always under playing the severity or consequences of their acts. Problem is I noticed the more they do it the more predictable and common it becomes because practice makes perfect. This is why many alkie/addicts would make for outstanding professional grifters putting a Bernie Madoff to shame.
And this is where the danger is for them as well. Friends & family know them and will tolerate them/ lie as just another lie or story. A stranger won't be so patient one day.
This is why I found even a soft challenge to some of their crap works sometimes. They have to know that not everyone is a sucker or patsy. I constantly see them going to the same people for favors like a predator hunting prey.
And this is where the danger is for them as well. Friends & family know them and will tolerate them/ lie as just another lie or story. A stranger won't be so patient one day.
This is why I found even a soft challenge to some of their crap works sometimes. They have to know that not everyone is a sucker or patsy. I constantly see them going to the same people for favors like a predator hunting prey.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
My AH husband does all of this but he swears up and down it can't possibly be abuse because it is not illegal. Only physical abuse is illegal, arrestable and has a penal code. Since he is a former cop he negates any other abuse as ******** and weakness on my part "sticks and stones" he chants. It's unfortunate that the only abuse that is recognized to protect its victims is physical so in my house abuse that doesn't cause bruises is not abuse at all but instead just me being weak and sensitive. No controls in place by any law enforcement agency to protect the emotionally abused so it is not considered real in the eyes of the police.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ sorry angel. I feel you. My ex was not a cop but was a very insecure pissed off little bully....who I guess got off on abusing his wife and kids. This is exactly what my ex did-emotionally, but definitely turned violent and physical at times as he realized he was losing control.
Thanks for posting.
Thanks for posting.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
I was always too sensitive. For the longest time, I truly thought I was the most overly sensitive person in history! Um no. Patricia Evans book was so eye opening they came close to popping out of the sockets!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Ah, yes-the "too sensitive" line-my ex used that each day-if I complained about him calling me a pu$$y or other derogatory or demeaning terms? I was oversensitive...if I complained bc he through something at the wall and broke it during a drunken tirade? I was oversensitive. Try to rub my crotch on Easter Sunday in front of our kids and my parents? You guessed it-over sensitive....(whst a charming guy, eh?)
And I truly second guessed myself everytime. Until I started watching it happen to my daughter-and that was enough for me.
And I truly second guessed myself everytime. Until I started watching it happen to my daughter-and that was enough for me.
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