Praying

Hi! One thing I'd like to suggest is that you prepare yourself for the possibility that he resurfaces. I'm not saying it will happen, but once you are moving on, you're in a vulnerable spot if it catches you by surprise and you haven't thought this part through. As you learn and heal, please think about how you would react--putting yourself and your needs first--if he comes back to you.

Many of us have experienced a yo-yo effect and forgiven time and time again. For me, when I had time alone to think clearly, it was easier to see through manipulation and promises made for HIS benefit, not mine. When he was right in front of me I was blinded by my love, hope, and denial that he fed right into. Might not be the same for you, but it can't hurt to think through!

tdt918

to Praying

Hi it is funny that you bring this up...and no one else has. the strangest thing happened at church on sunday. I haven't gone to church in a really long time. the main reason is that i live in temecula for school now and i really have no time..and i haven't found a church here yet that i can attend. but i was visiting my parents this past weekend and we decided to go to a church that i have only attended a few times because I used to take my clients there on the weekends, (they had eating disorders).

I have spent a lot of time praying to God, my god is Jesus...about giving me peace, understanding, acceptance, strength...really anything that will help me get through this, and really for a while it seemed like he wanted to stay silent. My main question has been, will he come back? or should i move on? should i move on either way? and it seems as though I should move on either way...because who knows whether he will come back or not, and if he does, who knows if i should even take him back...i have learned that i have to be strong and not take him back if things haven't changed. in fact, it could be the most hurtful thing i can do to myself if i were to take him back without any change.

anyway...we went to this service on sunday, my parents and i. the worship songs were sung...and i stood there with my arms crossed, with a closed heart, trying to battle the words filling the room. it's hard to stay happy with God in a time like this, it is so easy to think that he is not on our side. it is so easy to get mad and blame him. it is so hard to see that this is what is best right now and that's why he has allowed it to happen. the sermon was about hearing God's voice. how interesting, huh? well, the pastor continued immediately after opening up the topic about a personal story. this story goes like this:
"when i was in my mid 20's, i was dating a girl and we had been dating for a while. our relationship came to the point where i had to ask myself, should i take it to the next level with this girl, or should i break it off? one day we were walking on the beach and i stopped her. i told her that i had prayed about it, and that God told me that we shouldn't date anymore. she told me, that's not God. well it was over, we only spoke 2 times in 9 months to a year. during that time i felt really confused and lost, and i didn't really know what i was doing. one day, i felt that i should give her a call and ask her to give me another chance. it took exactly 39 days for me to pick up the phone and ask her out. she said ok, and then we got married."

i couldn't help but think, wow, this sounds a lot like what's happening to me, only, i'm the girl, and the pastor is my ex boyfriend. both my mom and my dad looked at me when the story was over, and said "wow, we know someone like this....." and it was the weirdest feeling that we all had, like this can't be a coincidence. all this time i've been praying for something, anything...and the one time i decide to attend church, the topic is about hearing God's voice and the story sounds so much like mine. the pastor continued to talk about addiction and mentioned other things in our lives that can really make us confused and lost, and can bring us down. God's voice is not one of worry, confusion, helplessness, it's one of peace, love, joy..etc...

what i've decided is to not put all my hope in what i'd like to call a sign...even though i really am not one to get stuck on things like "signs" because we can make anything a sign if we really want to see it. i have to just take care of myself right now, do my hw, goto school, work on becoming the best student nurse i can be and just learn not only about everything encompassing nursing but also about myself..this can be a huge growing period for me that i should take advantage of. ...and i really am trying to do my best. i've been a bit better since i first posted this thread. i mean it totally sucks, this whole thing really sucks. i miss him everyday. i miss my best friend. and i worry if he's going to be alright. but i don't let it get the best of me because i'm not his mom, i'm not his therapist....i'm just his friend right now and there is nothing that i can do but pray and hope that he will be okay...in God's arms, he will be. and there is more power in that than i can ever offer my ex boyfriend...it's not my place to fix him. i never was supposed to, and i never will.

and i am completely okay with that. in fact, i really don't want the drama and i don't need it. it was really stressing me out. but a part of me does hope that he gets better, and he changes for the better. and i change for the better, and maybe one day.. in the future...maybe God will see it fit that he brings us back together. who knows...anything is possible.

right now. i can love from a distance. that is the best love i can give him. i truly hope that he can get thru this difficult period in his life.

maybear

You sound like you are doing really well, although of course you are still grieving which will take time. And not just grieving the loss of your boyfriend, but all the hopes and dreams you had attached to him like marriage, family etc.

The 'stages of grief' might be relevant for you right now, if you have not already read about them. The 'bargaining' stage is when we look for signs and often become more angry with God.

Sounds like you have some good support through your mum and dad and your spirituality. Break ups are so tough, it's hard to imagine that you will ever feel better. But you really will in time.

fluffyflea

I know you don't see it now but down the road you'll be grateful for this.

tdt918

hi maybear, thanks for your reply.

I am familiar with Kubler Ross's 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, doesn't have to be in that specific order.

While I appreciate your perspective, I have to disagree, I don't believe I am in a bargaining stage. I haven't bargained with God and I haven't been looking for any signs...but I have been praying for relief, peace, and any answers that He may want to give me. Whether or not the pastor's story was an answer from God, I still am not bargaining with God. I don't want my ex boyfriend back if he doesn't learn and spend the time to grow from what he is going through, I don't want him back if he doesn't change. An example of bargaining would be, "God if you just bring him back, I will make sure to do things better this time," or in an example of someone who has cancer, "God if you just let me live to see my future grandchild's birth, then you can do with me whatever you wish."

Regardless of this and what others say, I believe people can change, and I believe he is ready to change. Later on he may realize that there was no one to blame (not me), not even himself for his addiction. People get sick, it happens all the time. I believe he realized that he must take responsibility for the illness he has. If others can do it, he can do it too...that's all it comes down to. For example, from a medical perspective, people with diabetes type 1 (those who cannot produce insulin) didn't ask for that problem, it just happened to them and for the rest of their lives they have to get insulin shots so that they can live a healthy and joyous life. Same thing goes for people who have addictions, they just have to take care of it, and although the illness may never go away, there are healthy ways to cope with it. There are important coping skills in life to learn and he has to realize that he can no longer drown his problems with alcohol but rather face up to them.

I wonder why people keep saying I will be grateful for what has happened. Presently, I am very glad he is taking steps to take care of himself, but I can't say that I am grateful for not being in his life in the future if he continues to stay clean and sober and learns how to take responsibility for his life. I know I met a beautiful man, and his addiction is not the only part of him, there is a lot more to a person than the one label we give them. Therefore, he deserves all the joy and health in his future, he deserves a beautiful and healthy relationship, and instead of spending the time being bitter or thinking that I will be grateful in the end, I'd rather spend my time being glad he's finally taking care of himself. Am I upset about how things happened? Absolutely. Do I think I deserve better than this? Definitely. But not for one second do I doubt the man he is and the man that he can become.

Maybe I'm just a little different. Maybe people want to call me crazy, but their opinions of me are not my business. While I disagree with some of the replies to my thread that have been made, I still appreciate every one of them because they have helped me everyday, to think through maturely about what really has happened. You have all been a part of helping me realize that I should never take him back if he doesn't change, and for that, I am very grateful.

redatlanta

I appreciate a lot of what you have to say.

Comparing alcoholism to diabetes is inaccurate. Diabetes is a disease of the body. Alcoholism is a disease that sometimes affects the body (physical dependence, but not always) and always an obsession of the mind. My husband is both an insulin dependent diabetic, and a recovering alcoholic. Give me diabetes any day of the week over alcoholism, figuratively. Diabetes your sugar is high or low. Take insulin or eat carbs. The treatment of alcoholism is neither as simplistic as taking insulin or eating a carb. It involves much more than physical issues. It involves much more than acknowledgement of the problem. I hope and pray that your Ex truly wants to get sober and achieves it.

I think what everyone is saying regarding being grateful is that you weren't duped in the way many have been finding yourself married/children with an active alcoholic. Your XABF was pretty transparent regarding his addiction, and broke up with you over it. You are more the exception than the rule. Only someone who has had the experience of living/married with an A knowing how bad it can be truly gets the "grateful" part.

firebolt

You are correct - people can change themselves. I hope your ex is ready to be free of alcohol forever - that is what we ALL want for the addicts that are / were in our lives! Hell, that is why 90% of us ended up here - to speed up the process for them.

I think there is a dual reason for this:

1 - You are out of a painful situation that could grow to be more and more painful - many here say that because they've weathered it til the brutal deadly end. Is that projecting? Sure...but they also know the odds of lasting sobriety, and the pains of getting through early sobriety.

2 - When we've gone through what you have been through with addiction, it leads us here, to Alanon, to researching, and to other support and recovery groups - usually because we are misguided into thinking we can get them better. It has given us empathy for other adults going through it - addicted and families of people addicted. It leads us to find the flaws within ourselves, and correct them to become better, happier, healthier human beings.


Both of those are blessings. I hate addiction....but I would NEVER go back to the person I was before living with it. I would still be just as sick (if not moreso) as my alcoholic boyfriend. I'm not "fixed" yet - but I am a lot closer since I started only trying to fix me.

maybear

You don't need to defend yourself or explain yourself.

I was simply offering you some food for thought by mentioning the stages of grief. I work in the field of grief and loss which is why I mentioned them.

But you seem to be doing great anyway. All the best!

tdt918

redatlanta, I completely agree. I was not trying to say that diabetes and alcoholism is the same thing, I was just trying to show that diabetes and alcoholism both are illnesses that are beyond our control and we must do whatever we have to do in order to get better no matter how difficult it may be. I appreciate your distinction and insight and thank you for clarifying the rest up for me.

tdt918

maybear

I did not need to explain myself but I wanted to. This is just my own perspective. Thank you for your insight, I'll definitely keep it in mind and try to be aware of my thought processes.