johnno1

I left him and taken kids he is so so so angry and hates me hugley I really hate this all so very much. He is making me feel so incredibly guilty about taking the kids away from him and now because of his busy and unpredictable work he is hardly seeing the kids at all , its my fault because ive taken them away. He blaming me for everything im trying to get him to see its abiut the kids not me but he cant beleive ive done this to him and his kids. Omg I feel totally sick so much doubt & guilt I wish he would see them more and call them as they missing him lots. My poor babies what the hell have I done to them

happybeingme

You did the right thing. You removed them from a volatile and unstable environment. It is going to take time for all of you to settle in. Be patient with yourself and the kids. Him? Don't talk to him. If all he does is verbally assault you stop contact.

By leaving now you just saved your children from years of bad choices and intensive therapy in their adulthood. Trust me. I am an adult child myself and still guessing at what normal is.

maybear

Hi johnno
As a child of an alcoholic, I wish my mum removed me sooner. I was young, wouldn't have known at the time that he was sick or that I was living in a bad environment and I loved my dad but I wish my mum had of just made the decision earlier to protect me.
Your kids will understand one day.
And I am sure your husband knows that you are reasonable and if he wants to see your children, he has that choice - choose to get well so he can be a positive part of their life.

chicory

Hi Johnno1.

Try to focus on why you did this.. remember your childrens faces, and what you want their days to be like. trust yourself. breathe.. its always scary making big changes, but thats what it takes , sometimes,, big changes..
take it a step at a time,, you can do it.
hugs
chicory

dandylion

johnno.....now is not the time to start doubting yourself.
It is always the right thing to remove the children from an alcoholic environment---as it always damages the children (even if you can't see it right now).
You know perfectly well that this was not a light or frivolous decision in your part---and, it was n ot done out of unkindness or desire to hurt anyone. To use your o wn words..he has been "mean and Horrid" to you for may ongoing years, now.

I suggest that you write several of the worst times on a piece of paper, and carry it with you at all times. Every time you feel guilty or doubt your decision....read the list o n the paper. You may have to read it a dozen times a day, at first.....lol!
Right now you need to put your head in charge of things....and, give your heart some time off. You are too vulnerable to trust y our h eart, alone, right now!!!!

Look at it this way....when your children are 20yrs. old---they won't look at you and say "Mom, why did you make us live with the drinking. Why didn't you save us"? That would break your heart.....

Now is the time to gather your resources around you....and decide to make a happy life for you and your children.
ABOVE ALL: Stop listening to his quacking and blame shifting. Refuse to be his dumping ground for his o wn guilt. His responsibility be
longs to h im---not you.
He can still be a l oving and caring father if he wants to!!
The kids are going to take their emotional "cues" from you. If you can stay calm and confident around them.....they will feel much more secure. Be careful not to project your feelings onto them.....

You have done the right thing.

dandylion

johnno1

Bless you
thanks I might just do that right now as I cannot sleep
thanks so much for all the support
I wish he woukd make more effort to see the kids but I cant control him I can only control me
thanks xxxxxxxx

SparkleKitty

Johno he had a lot of chances to spend time with the kids when you were all still living together and he chose to drink in the garage instead. He knows this issue will push your buttons and do not doubt for one moment that he is using it for all it is worth. Hugs. You did the right thing.

johnno1

Yes thanks I think he knows it will push my buttons but why does he want to push them
Why cant he just accept its over and focus on the kids not blame and hate me for taking his kids away
grrr gets me angry!

knowthetriggers

Until he is ready to take some responsibility for his actions he will continue to blame you.

Sorry you are going thru this but his actions are his to own. Your kids need you to be strong right now. As hard as it may be just stay focused on your recovery and their needs.

Hugs to you!

NotYouAgain

I used to get very angry and blamed my wife for everything so I had a good enough justification to get drunk without feeling guilty about it. Though at the time, I was in denial, and if anybody pointed this truth out to me I would deny it, and get angry and blaming all over again.

I had this self-sabotage knack of saying the wrong thing, to the wrong person, at the wrong time. . . Alcoholism is a chemically induced mental disorder, a form of insanity. As long as they drink, it never gets better, but worse. They need help! from others who know how to recover.

LexieCat

Well, of COURSE he's unhappy, you have rocked his comfortable little world. But it was comfortable ONLY for him--not for you and the kids. You are valuable, and so are they.

You must try to keep your focus on you and them, not all the noise that the bellowing big bad wolf is making outside. You do need emotional support, but you won't get it from him and you can't get it from your kids. Al-Anon, SR, whatever support you can find is so critical right now.

You did the right thing. You are doing the right thing. Sometimes the right thing is uncomfortable--at least for a while. It will get better if you keep the focus where it belongs.

Hugs,

iGirl66

You did good mama grizzly!! I ditto everything that has been said. How many years did I wish my mom had been as brave as you! (((Hugs))))

johnno1

Thanks so much, my kids are not thanking me though they are 3 6 and 8. The older two are anniyed we dontblive with him and whhhhyyyy did we have to breakup.

im sure this is harder than what it was actually staying with him. Anyway focus on recovery kids and using al alon and my own very supportive family xxx

SparkleKitty

Because life isn't going his way, and he needs anyone or anything to blame besides himself.

I know this sounds impossible, but this is not about you. If you can work towards a place of accepting that it is not personal, but an addiction raging to protect itself, you can get to a place of peace.

Hugs, johno. I know this is so hard.

dandylion

johnno.....Your children are not old enough to make the decisions about what the best thing for their overall welfare.
It is o.k. (good) that they can voice their FEELINGS and talk about them....
Let them talk and express....and, I suggest to give them age-appropriate, honest answers to their questions.
If you come across as serene and confident....they will feel more secure....

dandylion

hopeful4

I just posted a thread in this forum of signs of emotional abuse, I hope you read it as I think it pertains to this situation.

Many Hugs!

ResignedToWait

johnno,

I felt the same way, a bit over two years ago when I received full custody of my kids via an emergency court order.

My AW was constantly, and almost exclusively, blaming and venomous towards me about "stealing her kids" from her. Heck, she still is.
No amount of rational explanation would make her realize that the kids being removed from her care were in the KIDS' best interest...and have nothing to do with "stealing" the kids from her.

AW talked the talk...but the walk sure wasn't walked. The court gave her the right to have supervised visitation with the kids (now 5 and 9). We only live 4 hours away...and do you know how many times in those over 2 years she's come to exercise her right to supervised visitation? Not once. She's never even made attempts to try and arrange it.

I used to lie awake and wonder if I'd done the right thing...like it sounds like you are doing right now. It was the right thing.
Your A will whine, and squeal, and blame, and accuse....and all that will never end...but, what he won't do is actually try to fix anything. You'll see it as time goes on...verbal commitments not met, birthday calls missed, excuses for missed occasions.
Actions mean everything...him yelling at you over the phone and blaming you means nothing. Do your best to ignore it, and know that you did the right thing for the kids.

shil2587

You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't take his kids. He gave his whole family away for the price of a bottle of booze. Even now he could take some time off work to take his kids out. Even now he could get sober and be a responsible parent. He's choosing to keep on with his choice to throw you all away.

AnvilheadII

imagine if he put half as much effort into calling his children and spending time with THEM, instead of drinking or blaming you for everything. he is showing EXACTLY why it was necessary to get away from him. because he's a self obsessed angry child in a grown man's body.

you didn't RUIN anything.

you do NOT have to pick up the phone every time he calls.
you do NOT have to listen to his BS, use the END CALL button.
you are not his whipping boy. or scape goat.
you are the sole responsible parent doing her best for the children.