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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32
You're right, I'm no longer a victim. I kept myself stuck, I let him manipulate and guilt trip me. He has said he doesn't want me, doesn't want a relationship with anyone, not even her. Unfortunately she will eat the crumbs he gives her and destroy her future. I don't feel bad, I don't care she's young, she's a horrible little girl and he has become a horrible human being. I am going to get my cats in the next few weeks, limit my contact in that time, then cut all contact once I get my cats and leave that city once and for all. Wow, it's like the movie The Devil's Advocate, we seemed somewhat normal, I moved there and he accepted a deal from the devil, destroyed us and everything around him, and then I woke up back in my old bed at my mom's, where I began. Crazy...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He's demonstrated pretty clearly that he is not relationship material. Let him go. Imagine you're in an ocean trying to stay afloat and you have a hundred pound weight around your neck. You're attached (figuratively, as well as literally) to that weight. Someone lowers you a set of wire cutters to cut the cable that's attached to your neck, and all you have to do is cut the cable.
Do you cut it, or not? Are you so attached to this weight that you will allow yourself to be drowned, rather than cut it?
We have an expression around here, let go or be dragged. I'm not sure why you are holding on, or allowing him to. He's treated you horribly and is continuing to use you.
Cut the cable.
Do you cut it, or not? Are you so attached to this weight that you will allow yourself to be drowned, rather than cut it?
We have an expression around here, let go or be dragged. I'm not sure why you are holding on, or allowing him to. He's treated you horribly and is continuing to use you.
Cut the cable.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by ExhaustedA 
You're right, I'm no longer a victim. I kept myself stuck, I let him manipulate and guilt trip me. He has said he doesn't want me, doesn't want a relationship with anyone, not even her. Unfortunately she will eat the crumbs he gives her and destroy her future. I don't feel bad, I don't care she's young, she's a horrible little girl and he has become a horrible human being. I am going to get my cats in the next few weeks, limit my contact in that time, then cut all contact once I get my cats and leave that city once and for all. Wow, it's like the movie The Devil's Advocate, we seemed somewhat normal, I moved there and he accepted a deal from the devil, destroyed us and everything around him, and then I woke up back in my old bed at my mom's, where I began. Crazy...
You have gotten really good advice.
As we go through life we can look back and review how we could have made better choices. Our choices determine our destiny and the most important decisions we make is who we choose to give our heart to in an intimate relationship.
Were there red flags that you saw before you changed your entire life but chose to ignore? In my own 4 year nightmare there were HUGE red flags... and toxic narcisstic/alcoholic or addictive men usually have giant red flags we choose to ignore because of our "feelings" of intense "love".
Once emeshed in their web of deceit and the intense feelings that swamp our beings (all brain chemicals and hormones that have zero logic) it is hard to extricate ourselves even though our rational self screams out the truth. They are liars, manipulators, selfish and are NOT relationship material...but we are addicted to that person. That was my story.... for years and years. It is a story many of us share...
The important part of this is to extricate yourself permanently for this toxic man and use this experience to insure that you never fall for the guy with huge red flags again!
There are good guys out there...men of integrity, honor, loving and truthworthy and developing the discernment and ability to avoid the the attraction to the wrong guy is what will save you from future heartache.
Wash that man right out of your hair... do not give him the time of day and move forward! There is the nice guy...the right guy for you out there and the sooner you leave the wrong guy behind the sooner you can find your true destiny and happiness!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by maybear
Who cares if the other girl keeps seeing him.
Her and their relationship are no longer any of your concern.
YOU should be your only concern.
Her and their relationship are no longer any of your concern.
YOU should be your only concern.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I can imagine you must be exhausted. So much happening. So much that is upsetting.
One thing I notice many of us do (myself included) is go round and round about our alcoholics.
What they did.
What they said.
How they acted.
How they hurt us.
How they think...or don't.
How they must feel.
How wrong they are.
We're like a stuck record, going round and round on the same ideas.
They hurt us and rather than step back and say, "Is that acceptable behavior? No. I won't accept that in my life."
Instead, we're stuck. We don't even CONSIDER if we find their behavior acceptable or not (or our own, for that matter).
Instead, we go round and round. Reviewing what happened. Feeling surprised at their behavior (even if they have given us LOTS of evidence that we should expect poor behavior from them. Being hurt at the lies (even though they have lied plenty of times before).
They are a mess, no denying it.
But more importantly, we are SO busy noticing what a mess THEY are, we don't happen to notice that WE'RE stuck. Not changing. Not working on ourselves. Not helping ourselves have a life of peace.
So you have been stuck. We all have been or are. And yet, here you are with us, looking for relief.
HOORAY for all of us here in growth and support of ourselves and each other.
I encourage you to get a counselor or therapist.
I encourage you to try to listen to yourself.
Catch yourself on the merry go round talking about him (or the new girlfriend).
Notice how much ENERGY you give to them.
Notice how EXHAUSTED that mind loop can make you.
Each time you catch yourself getting spun on that loop, be profoundly kind to yourself.
"Oh, there you go again, self. Spinning your wheels on a bunch of things that are not ME. Come on back now, thoughts. What do I want? Who do I want to be? What do I need in my life? How can I take care of me? How can I protect me from all that hurt outside in the world?"
You are your best advocate. Believe in yourself that you can take care of yourself and treat yourself like gold.
We'll be here to cheer you on.
All my care,
peace
One thing I notice many of us do (myself included) is go round and round about our alcoholics.
What they did.
What they said.
How they acted.
How they hurt us.
How they think...or don't.
How they must feel.
How wrong they are.
We're like a stuck record, going round and round on the same ideas.
They hurt us and rather than step back and say, "Is that acceptable behavior? No. I won't accept that in my life."
Instead, we're stuck. We don't even CONSIDER if we find their behavior acceptable or not (or our own, for that matter).
Instead, we go round and round. Reviewing what happened. Feeling surprised at their behavior (even if they have given us LOTS of evidence that we should expect poor behavior from them. Being hurt at the lies (even though they have lied plenty of times before).
They are a mess, no denying it.
But more importantly, we are SO busy noticing what a mess THEY are, we don't happen to notice that WE'RE stuck. Not changing. Not working on ourselves. Not helping ourselves have a life of peace.
So you have been stuck. We all have been or are. And yet, here you are with us, looking for relief.
HOORAY for all of us here in growth and support of ourselves and each other.
I encourage you to get a counselor or therapist.
I encourage you to try to listen to yourself.
Catch yourself on the merry go round talking about him (or the new girlfriend).
Notice how much ENERGY you give to them.
Notice how EXHAUSTED that mind loop can make you.
Each time you catch yourself getting spun on that loop, be profoundly kind to yourself.
"Oh, there you go again, self. Spinning your wheels on a bunch of things that are not ME. Come on back now, thoughts. What do I want? Who do I want to be? What do I need in my life? How can I take care of me? How can I protect me from all that hurt outside in the world?"
You are your best advocate. Believe in yourself that you can take care of yourself and treat yourself like gold.
We'll be here to cheer you on.
All my care,
peace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32
I'm.so.beyond.sad.
I loved him very much.
He will never truly understand how badly he has hurt me, he will never feel that kind of pain. Betrayal at its worst.
Thank you everyone, this has been tough but enlightening on a situation I've never been in, and so sad to see that it exists all around me. Goodnight.
I loved him very much.
He will never truly understand how badly he has hurt me, he will never feel that kind of pain. Betrayal at its worst.
Thank you everyone, this has been tough but enlightening on a situation I've never been in, and so sad to see that it exists all around me. Goodnight.
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