Dodge31

If you let me move in with you and the kids I shall stop drinking. I shall get a job. I will be a family man and be everything you need. I shall support and love you and the kids. I will turn my life around. I wont need to drink if im with you I will have a reason to stop. Please please please give me a chance and let me move in,let me get better.
My ex has asked me this several times. Funnily enough i've said no as i've sat back from a distance and watched his drinking get worse and his actions rip his life apart. I've posted this as I kinda get the feeling that this is bs! Infact I'm sure it is. But a tiny part of me is feeling guilty for saying no.

SparkleKitty

It's BS. An active addict looking for a soft place to land.

Actions, not words, are the only things that count. If he truly wanted to come home, he would quit right now. He doesn't need to be living with you and the kids to recover.

Dodge31

I had that feeling beings as he has no money no job and lost his license and has been up in court for various things the last couple of months. I think i needed to hear it from someone else....thanks.

Ladywind

He wants you to be his rescuer. I would never trust a word an active alcoholic says. He will make a show of it for a few weeks, them have a million guilt trip excuses why he needs to drink. Then you and your kids are stuck with an alcoholic leeching off you. Dont fall for it for the kids sake. If he was serious, he would be in recovery already. Dont forget, you cant control his drinking or cure him. Only he can. Be strong and know you have support here

Dodge31

I do have compassion for him and i really do pity him. But if he wanted to stop, get better, change his life....he would.

FireSprite

Quack.

Try replying, "If you meant all those things, you'd do them , for yourself, BEFORE asking about moving back in. "

Dodge31

Yer, yer, yer...this old chestnut again is my reply. Maybe a bit harsh?? Lol

Ladywind

Hmmm, they can destroy so much because of our capability of compassion. Yet the alcoholic has no compassion, just self pity.
He will easily destroy the lives of those he 'loves' to feed his addiction. It comes before family....

LemonGirl

Quack!

My ex tried something similar with me. He didn't beg to move in together, but he did say something along the lines of he drinks because he is alone, and if he had a loving family around all the time he wouldn't need to drink....

I know better. He doesn't see that he IS alone because of the drinking. Sorry buddy... you don't get the goodies before the work. He's got it backwards! And anyway, there is always a reason to drink.

Missus

The roundabout logic always gets me - "I can't do it alone, I need you to help me stop, I could give up if I had you there", yet when you are there, you don't make a damn bit of difference to their drinking (in fact, sometimes you're even the cause of it)

LemonGirl

Or.... NOT the cause of it. I'd be careful to say that, unless you mean enabling...?

I have found that he was gonna drink whether I stayed or didn't stay. His depression worsened when I left, however. THAT I totally understand, because I am sad over the break up as well. But the roundabout logic isn't that they really think you can help... most just don't want to be alone and they are simply trying to extend your stay as long as they can. Some alcoholics actually want to quit, but they just haven't reconciled a life without alcohol yet. Personally, I don't think they give much thought to how that affects the other person because they are so engulfed in the addiction.... and in their feelings of loneliness and pain.

iGirl66

Oh, my word. The level of quackery they do sink to is is unending. It doesn't matter if it's drink, binge eating, gambling, porn, etc. if you don't break the chain for yourself, you will not do it for others. The thing that fries my bacon, is all the complaining about needy, controlling "co dependants" Half would be dead in a gutter without someone who had a bit of compassion, albeit misplaced.

Good girl letting him stew in his own juices. When he hits his bottom, he'll stop.

Missus

Sorry, I forgot to turn on the sarcasm font :-) of course I meant that often you're the "cause" of the drinking, at least according to the drinker.

maybear

Sounds just like my husband!

The lies are crazy. Maybe they believe it themselves on some level.

But at the end of the day, like everyone has said, just look at the actions.

Dodge31

Well it seems to me that he probably burt his bridges everywhere else and has nothing else. I couldnt even tell you the last 2 days in a row hes been sober the drinking really has got worse. I notice he hangs out with some really old timers who drink everyday...not his normal friends who he use to drink with. I notice his apperance isnt looking so good hes put on weight and just doesnt look the same. He's a mess and slowly becoming a total stranger to me as Iam to him. For someone that claims to love me he doesnt know anything about my life, if i asked him what i did last week he couldnt answer. If I invited that into my home I really would be as crazy as him.....

noinsanity2423

Thanks for the post. It's so hard not to believe someone I love because I want to believe them.

I learned that my ex can be pretty, she can say all the right things, she can do nice things for me, she can give me what I want, but the person that she shows to her friends and her alcoholic brother is who she really is. She will tell me whatever I need to hear, so that I'll stick around or feel guilty about leaving. The only thing that I can rely on at this point is her actions. If she wants to get better, she will. In the meantime, I don't need to hear more lies.

LexieCat

I think lots of times when alcoholics say these things, they mean them. They really think that if only this or that were different they wouldn't have to drink. That's the denial of the disease--the failure to recognize that it isn't the external circumstances that are the problem, it's them, and the disease of alcoholism. Until they accept that and start working on the internal part, external changes won't do a darned thing.

Dodge31

That kinda makes sense ^^^. As this year he's only been able to spend a little time with us and the time he has spent a few days here or maybe a week he hasnt be able to drink as I wont have it in my home or around the kids. So I guess its how he may have got that conclusion in his head....

HopefulinFLA

An A who is really serious about getting sober does it for himself. Those who do it for others don't usually stay sober long.

AlcSis

Uh Oh........
When you start feeling guilty
Remember the "Insane-ness"
Of his life and his choices
And how it affected (affects) you
AND THE KIDS (Yelling intended here, this is coming from an ACOA)
And hopefully, that will make it easier to
Just Say No!
And to feel a little less guilty.