What can I do next?

Old 06-02-2015, 12:07 PM
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What can I do next?

We lost my mum late last year (to an infection from gangrene) and since then it's like the brakes are off with my dads drinking. He is in his 70's, on dialysis and reasonably frail. He has been in and out of hospital with drunken falls a LOT since then. He has been in for weeks (which helps him detox) , then only out a few days before he falls again. I live on the other side of the world with a 12 hour time difference so can only call his morning or evening which I do (just to check he's still alive and hasn't had another fall) Sometimes he answers, sometimes not, sometimes we are able to have a reasonable if one sided conversation, sometimes he can't even speak. It seems like the only thing he can do for himself now is drive to the shop to get alcohol. He doesn't seem too want to do anything else. He does this after dialysis so I'm pretty sure he isn't driving drunk.
If it wasn't for dialysis sobering him up he would be dead by now. He doesn't eat well/much and doesn't clean himself. His house looks and smells terrible. I have managed to get him a medical alarm, Social worker, carer visits 3x a day, physiotherapist, occupational therapist, meals and a cleaner but now realise I may just have been helping his addiction.
He has stopped his carers coming round as it's obviously hindering his drinking and I don't think his cleaner is coming round any more either.
He has had a number of bathroom accidents and I don't think he worries about keeping himself clean afterwards, his last hospital visit they had to treat him for an infection in his dialysis line.

It amazes me that a frail, forgetful man in his 70's who can't walk very far manages to be resourceful enough to get all the alcohol he needs.

I don't think he is well enough for me to step back, let him hit rock bottom (which by most people's standards he has already done MANY times) and come to some realisation about his drinking and I won't be able to live with myself if I do take a break from it and he is found dead after days of lying at the bottom of the stairs. (I am not being dramatic here, this is actually quite likely)
I am no longer phoning twice a day to check on him but still dread every phone call as I don't know what I am in for or if he is going to answer, and wondering what it means if he doesn't.

Both my parents had 'enjoyed a drink' for years and I stupidly convinced my self they were so pickled they'd probably last forever.
Any ideas on what to do next, if there is a next step? I don't really want to involve anyone else as its just one more person for him to manipulate into getting him drink or convince he is fine.

On a positve note, after reading some of the posts here, I realise I am pretty fortunate to have thousands of miles separating me from this problem. So shouldn't really complain too much, when many of you have it so much worse being in the thick of it.
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Old 06-02-2015, 12:19 PM
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Welcome! I am so sorry about the loss of your mother, and now this with your father. You are going through a lot.

Have you thought about calling the dialysis center where he received dialysis and explain the situation to them and see what input they have? It sounds like he has given up caring.

I don't know what else you can do since you had caregivers lined up and he sent them away.

Hugs to you. I know others will be along shortly with input for you also!
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Old 06-02-2015, 12:39 PM
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Hi, Fizz... I'm sorry for what's brought you here. He sounds exactly like a dear old friend of mine who is in his 70's and his wife (now his X after 50+ years of marriage) is like your Dad. She doesn't drive anymore but BOY HOWDY is she resourceful to get her booze! She goes to the hospital saying she's dying about 2x/month on average. Her ex-husband is still her enabler making sure all her bills are getting paid and picking up her "pills" etc. I'm sure he's buying her booze, still, but there's a store withine walking distance for her, too. She's resorted to just ripping blanks checks out of the checkbook and handing them to random strangers to fill out for her to get her booze and cigs, etc. Last winter in the bitter cold she was at the store in her pajamas and slippers holding her box of wine asking strangers to take her to her apartment but she couldn't even tell them where she lived. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do for your dad. What's he on dialysis for? Who pays for it? If it's being paid for by social welfare, they may not want to continue if he's drinking so much. It's his life and he's choosing how he wants to live it. It's sad, but I'm afraid there's very little you can do (as I've learned through this other woman who was married to my friend).
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Old 06-02-2015, 12:40 PM
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His dialysis team are already well aware of what is going on, he has missed dialysis before because he was too unwell after drinking through the night. He has had LOTS of medical help but refuses alcohol councelling, And cant be forced into anything / declared incompetent as he has all his faculties.
Thanks for your kind words / reply
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Old 06-02-2015, 01:02 PM
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If he's in the US you might be able to petition the court to have him committed. Perhaps you could call a local AA office to see about a twelfth step call? That's a tough situation and I'm sorry to hear you are going through it. Unfortunately if he doesn't want to stop there's very little anyone can do to change his mind. He has to be ready and want to.
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Old 06-02-2015, 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by sg1970 View Post
If he's in the US you might be able to petition the court to have him committed. Perhaps you could call a local AA office to see about a twelfth step call? That's a tough situation and I'm sorry to hear you are going through it. Unfortunately if he doesn't want to stop there's very little anyone can do to change his mind. He has to be ready and want to.
I think it's state by state now. And I know in Indiana there is absolutely nothing you can do to get committed, bc if anyone needs to be committed, it's the ex-wife of my friend. They've closed down all the mental institutions (during Reagan era) that were federally run then the states shut all theirs down. That's a big reason for the large homeless population.
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Old 06-02-2015, 01:07 PM
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Yes she sounds very like my dad. I had though of sending a mechanic round to take out the battery in his car but he would just find other ways of getting drink.

His kidneys failed a couple of years ago, he is in the UK so it's all paid for by the NHS, including carers etc so it won't be stopped. It probably should be as he has used tens of thousands of pounds and countless hours of many doctors and nurses time that could be spent on non self inflicted illnesses but if it was stopped it would be a death sentence.
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Old 06-02-2015, 01:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
I think it's state by state now. And I know in Indiana there is absolutely nothing you can do to get committed, bc if anyone needs to be committed, it's the ex-wife of my friend. They've closed down all the mental institutions (during Reagan era) that were federally run then the states shut all theirs down. That's a big reason for the large homeless population.
He is in the UK, so has to either give us power of attorney or be declared unfit. If he is not competent then the government can sieze his assets and use them to pay for a care home. I can't see this happening, if his carers have already stopped visiting it would be because he has convinced them he can manage on his own. He could, if he was sober.
I will try to go down this route again though. I tried to get him into sheltered /assisted living and was going to pay for this but he refused and it wouldn't have stopped his drinking just removed the risk of living in a house with stairs.
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Old 06-02-2015, 04:44 PM
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So sorry to hear about this situation! My heart goes out to you... But like said above, there really isn't anything you can do if he just keeps refusing "help". I realize that his age is fragile and his condition exasperates that, but it is his life and he seems determined to make his own decisions. He must be feeling a lot of pain to be trying to hurry the rest of his life on...

I do know this: whatever HE chooses, it is not your fault. For whatever you are able or capable of doing... whatever you have done, and might not do.... his choices are his choices, and they go beyond your control. I hope that you can feel that when it is needed. (((hugs)))
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Old 06-04-2015, 02:42 PM
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Thanks lemongirl, your words really help especially about it being his choice.
I know he is in pain and I always moderate my conversations with him and my thinking to take into account that he is an old man living on his own who has lost his wife but his thoughts are pretty much for himself. I havent heard him express any real grief over the loss of my mum and even on the day she died, we travelled half way round the world, drove from the airport to pick him, take him to hospital to see mum and he then made us leave after a very short time because he wanted to get home, presumably to drink. We were so exhausted and jet lagged after 3 flights, nearly two days of non stop travelling and hours of driving him back and forth that we didn't return straight to the hospital and my mum passed away shortly after when I wasn't there.
I am going to be facing the same scenario with my dad fairly soon I think and want to do things better, try and help while I still can but don't know how. I can't even have anything approaching an honest conversation with him for fear of sending him over the edge. Assuming he is sober enough to listen. The only time we can relax a bit is when he has had another fall and is in hospital.
Some days I feel like the worst daughter in the world because I am leaving him to die horribly and others I would cheerfully smother him in his sleep.
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Old 06-04-2015, 03:21 PM
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What about contacting Age Concern or MIND for advice?
They are agencies in the UK and might be able to refer you to the correct service or have advice for you themselves.

Not sure how long you have been away from the UK but there is a bit of press coverage about increasing problem drinkers in your Dad's age group.

Do you think a grief counsellor could help him?
Would he be open to that?

He sounds very depressed. Do you think his GP is aware?
I had a friend who had a recent hard time with her partner and alcohol was involved. He also has a significant health problem he is dealing with too.
She wrote to his GP and stated all her worries and outlined how grave the situation was and that he was hiding a lot from the doctor.

The GP sent a letter asking him to make an appointment for a 'health review' and that it might be a good idea to bring his partner.
It was handled really delicately, no pressure, no row's or shouting matches.
Could that be an option for you?

Does he have any neighbours who might be willing to keep an eye on him and check everyday he is up and about? Maybe you could contact them by letter or email?

I really feel for you being so far away and the worry of if he is alive and well each day. Its a huge burden to carry. However, don't ever feel bad. At the end of the day he is an adult, he is the only one that can decide if he wants to accept help.

I really wish you the best xx
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Old 06-04-2015, 04:15 PM
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Thanks sasha,

He lives in a small community, all his neighbours are aware of the problem, most of them wouldn't speak to him at mums funeral. Many docs, health professionals and social workers are also aware. He has been in all the local hospitals quite a bit. The drinking is not new. He has refused any help from alcohol liaison. He has just passed some sort of cognisance assessment and has been declared competent so I can't force anything. I haven't contacted mind or age concern, I will have a look at their sites now thanks. It seems that the more help he gets, the more he is able to drink.
Did your friends partner get better or get the help he needed?
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Old 06-05-2015, 03:00 AM
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What I would say is that there will be people looking out for him if he lives in a small community.

No-one will see him passed out on the pavement without helping.
If there is something not right in his home, I'm sure they will get in touch with someone in authority who can help.

Did people not talk to him at his wife's funeral because they don't like him and have an issue with him?

My friends partner was on verge of being sectioned.
The police were involved in getting him to hospital.
He was ITU in a medical induced coma and detoxed.
He nearly did not make it.
If you read my posts (click on my name, read other posts and I thinks its called 'i have a friend') its all there.
He was in the hospital a few weeks.
It shocked him.
He is out and is stating he won't drink again, but who knows what his future is?
But at one point, my friend just handed responsibility over to the police and they took over.
I'm glad she did for her.

I used to work in a chemist and there was an old man with dementia who lived on his own across from the shop.
He would drink heavily. He would reach out to us after not eating for a few days and drinking too much.

We would regularly sit him in the shop and make him a cup of tea, buy him a sandwich and ring his GP.
If we didn't see him for a couple of days someone would go over and check on him.

I suppose I'm saying that even if it feels like your dad has no friends and is isolating, someone will be keeping track of him even if to a small extent.

How you feeling today?
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Old 06-05-2015, 06:51 AM
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fizzgogg you sound like such a caring daughter and I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your pain.
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