I think my husband is a 'functional alcoholic' - should I just let it go?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Huntsville, Al
Posts: 2
I think my husband is a 'functional alcoholic' - should I just let it go?
My husband has been drinking almost daily for the past eight years. The last few months it escalated. He stops at a gas station to get beer for the ride home - he even did that on the way to football practice with my son. This actually is the reason why I want to change something. He is not just endangering himself but our son. He says a beer never hurt anybody (he is getting either 16 oz or 24 oz of Ice). After he got caught buying beer for the ride to football practice, he didn't dare to buy anything for a few days. He was grumpy and on day three/four he had the sweats but on day five he started to buy a can to drink in the car. He still says he doesn't have a problem and he drinks because he likes it.
He is not really a drunk when he drinks a case of ice and a carton of wine in three days but it makes me very uncomfortable. On the weekends he starts drinking around 10 am and then he hits on me all day long. If he buys a liter bottle of liquer, it's gone in two days in addition to the regular beer and wine consumption.
He has health problems, too which I think are related to his drinking. His beer belly causes him to have lower back pain, his arthritis is acting up, running three miles is very hard on him. But no, it's not the alcohol, it's my cooking or my nagging or my lack of libido.
He doesn't think he has a drinking problem. On doctor's forms he always marks "light drinker". Last year he had to get some strong medications for an infection and since they didn't know if it was bacterial or viral he got medicince to treat both - he didn't stop drinking for that. He is on muscle relaxer and pain reliefer (800 mg Motrin) and he still drinks.
I have been a SAHM since the birth of my first child but now I am looking for a job because I need to be ready for when his world collapses. He is very discouraging and it seems he wants me home so he feels 'safer'?
His and my family do not think there is a problem, maybe it is just me. 'I read too much' is what I get told but the whole situation just feels wrong to me. As long as he can support his family, should I just let it go?
He is not really a drunk when he drinks a case of ice and a carton of wine in three days but it makes me very uncomfortable. On the weekends he starts drinking around 10 am and then he hits on me all day long. If he buys a liter bottle of liquer, it's gone in two days in addition to the regular beer and wine consumption.
He has health problems, too which I think are related to his drinking. His beer belly causes him to have lower back pain, his arthritis is acting up, running three miles is very hard on him. But no, it's not the alcohol, it's my cooking or my nagging or my lack of libido.
He doesn't think he has a drinking problem. On doctor's forms he always marks "light drinker". Last year he had to get some strong medications for an infection and since they didn't know if it was bacterial or viral he got medicince to treat both - he didn't stop drinking for that. He is on muscle relaxer and pain reliefer (800 mg Motrin) and he still drinks.
I have been a SAHM since the birth of my first child but now I am looking for a job because I need to be ready for when his world collapses. He is very discouraging and it seems he wants me home so he feels 'safer'?
His and my family do not think there is a problem, maybe it is just me. 'I read too much' is what I get told but the whole situation just feels wrong to me. As long as he can support his family, should I just let it go?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Welcome Love2Lift !
If your husband's drinking bothers you, it's a problem. It sounds like he has a drinking problem to me. I spent a lot of years trying to convince myself that my H wasn't an alcoholic. Everybody else seemed to think he was fine. Now I know that it doesn't matter what everybody else thinks. I'm the one living this.
My husband hasn't driven my children anywhere for years. It's a pain to be the only one to haul them around but it's worth it to me. I never know when he's going to drink and I won't risk their safety.
Glad you're here. Stick around and read and post. Lots of great information and wonderful people.
L
If your husband's drinking bothers you, it's a problem. It sounds like he has a drinking problem to me. I spent a lot of years trying to convince myself that my H wasn't an alcoholic. Everybody else seemed to think he was fine. Now I know that it doesn't matter what everybody else thinks. I'm the one living this.
My husband hasn't driven my children anywhere for years. It's a pain to be the only one to haul them around but it's worth it to me. I never know when he's going to drink and I won't risk their safety.
Glad you're here. Stick around and read and post. Lots of great information and wonderful people.
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario, CANADA
Posts: 26
I think it is important to remember that whatever you feel is real to you and that is what is most important. Reading what you described certainly sounds as if the "problem" is real and NO you are not imagining it. What you can do (as we all know we cannot make or force another person to confront their own illness) is that you can get some help for you - have you tried going to an Al-Anon meeting - it is very helpful.
I know when I first went I felt like I might not fit in - my partner drank but it didn't seem in the exact same way as others - not daily ....didn't seem quite as bad....sadly enough as the years have gone by it is getting "worse" and he does fit the "typical" much more all the time. Regardless though of him and his illness I knew all along I needed help and support for me.
Never second guess your intuition - you can't cure or control his choices but you can get support for you
:-)
I know when I first went I felt like I might not fit in - my partner drank but it didn't seem in the exact same way as others - not daily ....didn't seem quite as bad....sadly enough as the years have gone by it is getting "worse" and he does fit the "typical" much more all the time. Regardless though of him and his illness I knew all along I needed help and support for me.
Never second guess your intuition - you can't cure or control his choices but you can get support for you
:-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. My own experience tells me it gets worse, never better. If it affects you, it's a problem. But it should be his problem, not yours. Take care of yourself and your kids.
Alexia
Alexia
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 80
Love,
You know what you feel on a daily basis, you know what bothers you and what is right for you.
Addicts work really hard at getting everyone including themselves to believe that; they have it under control, this is a perfectly normal life and that the coaddict is an alarmist and is just overreacting. The will say and DO anything, many times, to justify their actions, just like we, the coaddicts do.
I'm constantly reminded (and it's necessary to remind me) that if it feels wrong, it probably is wrong. I want to make it better, whatever the "it" happens to be. I don't like to see people suffering and yet I allow myself to suffer.
What Lorelai said is true "If your husband's drinking bothers you, it's a problem. "
keep reading, and learning, go to an al-anon meeting, find support for you. The first thing that helped me was knowing I was not alone, and that there were people in this world who could understand my pain and support me.
Welcome! I'm sure glad you are here!
Marci
You know what you feel on a daily basis, you know what bothers you and what is right for you.
Addicts work really hard at getting everyone including themselves to believe that; they have it under control, this is a perfectly normal life and that the coaddict is an alarmist and is just overreacting. The will say and DO anything, many times, to justify their actions, just like we, the coaddicts do.
I'm constantly reminded (and it's necessary to remind me) that if it feels wrong, it probably is wrong. I want to make it better, whatever the "it" happens to be. I don't like to see people suffering and yet I allow myself to suffer.
What Lorelai said is true "If your husband's drinking bothers you, it's a problem. "
keep reading, and learning, go to an al-anon meeting, find support for you. The first thing that helped me was knowing I was not alone, and that there were people in this world who could understand my pain and support me.
Welcome! I'm sure glad you are here!
Marci
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
My husband drinks daily and supports us quite well. He has had one DUI at which point he did stop buying the six pack for the ride but he drinks at home...sometimes to the point of stumbling. I think he IS aware of it...I say nothing about it but when he has drank to stupidity one night he lightens up for several.
I'll tell you something else...he doesn't have to be drunk to blame me for everything. I mostly find it funny because he is so blatant about it.
If you have a problem with it, it is just that...your problem. You can't change another person. He is an adult (
) and has the right to make his own choices even when they are bad. You have that same right...drinking when your son is in the car is boundary material. That is something you CAN do something about and you don't want to be looking back on that one with regret. Maybe one beer doesn't make him impaired but what happens to your son if he gets caught...arrested...and you can't be reached? Child endangerment is a much bigger charge than open liquor. Does he want to read his name in the paper attached to that one?
Gee...I think I just wrote a whole lot and said nothing....
Hugs,
JT
I'll tell you something else...he doesn't have to be drunk to blame me for everything. I mostly find it funny because he is so blatant about it.
If you have a problem with it, it is just that...your problem. You can't change another person. He is an adult (
) and has the right to make his own choices even when they are bad. You have that same right...drinking when your son is in the car is boundary material. That is something you CAN do something about and you don't want to be looking back on that one with regret. Maybe one beer doesn't make him impaired but what happens to your son if he gets caught...arrested...and you can't be reached? Child endangerment is a much bigger charge than open liquor. Does he want to read his name in the paper attached to that one? Gee...I think I just wrote a whole lot and said nothing....
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
JT, the one statement you made said a lot to me. "If you have a problem with it, it is just that...your problem." We make it our problem and we have the choice to let it become it our problem. I try very hard to make my A b/f's "problem" not my problem but its so hard not to. Did that make sense? I choose to live with his (my) problem and deal with it the best way I can. I'm going to remember that statement. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 61
Love- Your husband sounds like mine...they push "just enough", but it doesn't seem like they ever cross that line....The problem I didn't see was that my line kept moving. I kept saying "I am leaving if he drives drunk again" "I am leaving if he lies about drinking again" "I am leaving if he doesn't come home all night or at least call"---I found out aftert I asked him to leave and get treatment that the person I had become wasn't someone I knew at all---letting him walk all over me like that and walk all over our life. He has been gone almost 6 weeks, and I do miss him...the old him. He is still in treatment, but has decieded not to acknowledge that the drinking was his fault...that he is an alcoholic that was covering his own problems. He is blaming me and our marriage for his unhappiness.
One thing that really hit home was the fact that you say:
"His and my family do not think there is a problem, maybe it is just me. 'I read too much' is what I get told but the whole situation just feels wrong to me. As long as he can support his family, should I just let it go?"
I probably couldn't have gotten one of my husbands friends or family to see he was an alcoholic. They didn't live in our house and they didn't see him when he was depressed, drinking and out of control...they usually save that for us...
You can NEVER read to much about alcoholism...it is hard to come to terms with the disease, but don't doubt yourself. You deserve to be happy and your children deserve a happy and sober father...don't EVER doubt that. Do what is right for you and the kids...you will never regret that. Hang in there and try an Al Anon meeting.
Di
One thing that really hit home was the fact that you say:
"His and my family do not think there is a problem, maybe it is just me. 'I read too much' is what I get told but the whole situation just feels wrong to me. As long as he can support his family, should I just let it go?"
I probably couldn't have gotten one of my husbands friends or family to see he was an alcoholic. They didn't live in our house and they didn't see him when he was depressed, drinking and out of control...they usually save that for us...
You can NEVER read to much about alcoholism...it is hard to come to terms with the disease, but don't doubt yourself. You deserve to be happy and your children deserve a happy and sober father...don't EVER doubt that. Do what is right for you and the kids...you will never regret that. Hang in there and try an Al Anon meeting.
Di
"learning to just be me"
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: corner of sanity and ...
Posts: 66
Sounds like you are in the right place.
Learn, learn, learn about alcoholism. Yreva's right. You can never read too much.
Stay safe, and get to an Al-Anon meeting. Huntsville should have one close by.
Let us know how it goes.
Learn, learn, learn about alcoholism. Yreva's right. You can never read too much.
Stay safe, and get to an Al-Anon meeting. Huntsville should have one close by.
Let us know how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I was in your shoes a few years ago. My A husband always told me drinking was just for fun and that I was his problem not his beer, get off his back, etc, etc, etc. I let his drinking eat at me and started thinking I was crazy and overreacting (as he and his family told me). So I secretly started going to counseling and a few months of al-anon (just recently went back, I should have never stopped), and then I realized that I wasn't crazy or over reacting. Now, unfortunatly, I was proven right after a DUI and later a major car accident (charged with another DUI), a few bar fights, raging incidents, etc, etc, etc.
It is a disease (I used to not believe this until I saw the progression in my husband over the 13 years we have been married), and it does get worse. You need to help yourself for the sake of your son (my five year old recently told me that daddy used to have a "few beers" when they went out on their weekly lunches out, that ended that weekly outing right there). Al-anon really works, but try a few meetings at a few different places until you find a group that you are comfortable with. I'm sure you'll find the support and validation you need there.
It is a disease (I used to not believe this until I saw the progression in my husband over the 13 years we have been married), and it does get worse. You need to help yourself for the sake of your son (my five year old recently told me that daddy used to have a "few beers" when they went out on their weekly lunches out, that ended that weekly outing right there). Al-anon really works, but try a few meetings at a few different places until you find a group that you are comfortable with. I'm sure you'll find the support and validation you need there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: TN
Posts: 1
Functional Alcoholics
I certainly have quite a bit of experience with this since I have been married to one for 32 years. He has been an excellent provider, has never had an issue with DUI (because all of his drinking is done at home), isn't in particular abusive verbally or physically (once in a great while his comments are hurtful) but I have to say his drinking has taken a toll on our marriage and on our children. We had three and they are grown. My oldest son is an alcoholic and unfortunately for him didn't learn how to add the functional part to that word. My daughters are doing ok but have self-esteem issues and difficulty making significant relationships.
Alcohol has taken from him any kind of emotional attachment to his family. He will at times go way overboard with friends or work buddies but his family is like his "safe" zone. He doesn't get involved. If we demand anything we hear about how hard he works and how much stress he is under etc. Which is all true because to keep himself from drinking he works.
His life is so controlled. The time he schedules for drinking remains the same. He exercises and stays in shape. It is as if this will keep the effects of alcohol at bay. It is all so planned and concise.
If you want anything from him after 8 pm your out of luck.
Before that you can actually talk to him in a normal way. The rest of the night which begins with the sound of a blender is completely his.
I have done everything wrong/and some things right. I have felt crazy, I have felt like I'm the reason, I nagged, I ignored, I lived my own life.
People would be shocked in this community if they knew. I can't get help because he is well known. It is a difficult situation. But guess what? I am going for help next week. I am taking a leap of faith and actually reaching out. Wish me luck.
He always says to me when I'm not in one of my nagging stages. "Your so sweet to me". Here is the thing. I feel like I am anything but sweet if I let him continue to kill himself slowly with alcohol. Shouldn't I have left and forced him to see that yes it does make a difference. That I deserve a life with someone who actually knows how to show affection? I feel guilty, angry, lonely, cheated, stupid, bitter, sad, emotionally unstable and indecisive.
My advice to the newly married or younger women in this position with younger children is to take that giant step out the door. Wake up this man to the reality of what he is doing to you and your children.
I know my husbands future. He is getting close to retirement age. His father died of alcoholism at 65. No one knew he drank. It was sad and wasteful. We didn't have a grandfather around for our children.
Alcohol has taken from him any kind of emotional attachment to his family. He will at times go way overboard with friends or work buddies but his family is like his "safe" zone. He doesn't get involved. If we demand anything we hear about how hard he works and how much stress he is under etc. Which is all true because to keep himself from drinking he works.
His life is so controlled. The time he schedules for drinking remains the same. He exercises and stays in shape. It is as if this will keep the effects of alcohol at bay. It is all so planned and concise.
If you want anything from him after 8 pm your out of luck.
Before that you can actually talk to him in a normal way. The rest of the night which begins with the sound of a blender is completely his.
I have done everything wrong/and some things right. I have felt crazy, I have felt like I'm the reason, I nagged, I ignored, I lived my own life.
People would be shocked in this community if they knew. I can't get help because he is well known. It is a difficult situation. But guess what? I am going for help next week. I am taking a leap of faith and actually reaching out. Wish me luck.
He always says to me when I'm not in one of my nagging stages. "Your so sweet to me". Here is the thing. I feel like I am anything but sweet if I let him continue to kill himself slowly with alcohol. Shouldn't I have left and forced him to see that yes it does make a difference. That I deserve a life with someone who actually knows how to show affection? I feel guilty, angry, lonely, cheated, stupid, bitter, sad, emotionally unstable and indecisive.
My advice to the newly married or younger women in this position with younger children is to take that giant step out the door. Wake up this man to the reality of what he is doing to you and your children.
I know my husbands future. He is getting close to retirement age. His father died of alcoholism at 65. No one knew he drank. It was sad and wasteful. We didn't have a grandfather around for our children.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
He is REALLY a drunk and he is an alcoholic. What you are describing in your post isn't even remotely normal behavior, and I say that as somebody who drinks. Your husband drinks in two days what I drink in two months.
That you think he is A, functioning, and B, not really a drunk means that, like many of us when we were in it, you have completely lost perspective and are in denial.
I'm sorry. Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
That you think he is A, functioning, and B, not really a drunk means that, like many of us when we were in it, you have completely lost perspective and are in denial.
I'm sorry. Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
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