sunny34

I am not sure why I am here again except that I need support. I was here at the beginning of the year and had planned to move out while my AH was in Hawaii. He surprised me with a ticket to go out to meet him and since I was in the midst of moving of course my plans came to a halt. I was worried when he returned and certain items had been moved to the other place that he would flip out but he just ask where is such and such and that was the end of it. Well he is now pressuring me to get the property rented out because we are losing money but I think it is just so I do not have anywhere to go. Anyway, I keep stalling.

Now I have come to a place in life where I have to leave for my son. He is refusing to have anything to do with his dad and he will not stay at home. He is finding ways to spend the night at his friends and now that it is summer I have him staying at his sisters for the past week. My AH is now putting on the pressure for me to get our son home.

Our son is 16 and the only way I see to solve this is for me to move out. I fear being truthful with AH about why our son is not home because he will become angry and aggressive and he will try to force me to make him get home. It will go better ( I think) if I just leave. The problem is I do not know how to approach him about moving out.

I don't know if I am strong enough to leave yet. I am not sure how angry he will get. I just feel so stuck and if I do not leave I fear of the blow up that will eventually happen with our son. I have a counseling appointment later this week so I will discuss it with her but in the mean time I need to do something soon before hell breaks loose.
I just need to find the strength to do this but it is so hard. The unknown is terrifying to me.

chicory

Sunny, I am so sorry that you are under so much stress... I can understand believe me.

Maybe if you just start to quietly look in to some options.. places where you might live.. maybe speak with domestic violence counsellors, if you think he might become violent when angry.

Its great that you are going to counselling this week! That should help a lot.
Just be ready if you can, to go somewhere safe, in case he gets nasty, if that is his way. There are things you might want to have in safekeeping ahead of time. important papers, extra keys, etc.
I know its scary. do you have a friend or family member close by, where you can go if need be?

hugs
chicory

AnvilheadII

never give bullets to the guy holding the gun. do NOT give him a heads up on your plans, or WHY you are leaving. do NOT tell him it's because of your son. make your plan, quietly, safely, and thoroughly. get an order of protection if you fear his wrath. do NOT tell him where you are going, your address, etc. do not tell anyone else either.

your son is in turmoil. he needs you now, he needs you to swim to shore, pulling him along and get him to safety. do not waiver. be resolute. whether you think you are strong enough or not, just do it.

lizatola

I agree with Anvil here. I have a 16 year old son and live in AZ myself. I just left my 20 year marriage because my son said, "When are you going to do something about this?" He and his dad are working on repairing their relationship now but when we first separated a few months ago, my son didn't even want to spend 2 hours with his dad alone.

You never know what the outcome will be if you step out in faith and just do what needs to be done for the kids. I know how hard it is to leave, believe me. I took 3 years to garner up the strength to move out. I hadn't worked for 16 years but I am now working and find it to be quite fulfilling.

Anyway, I do hope you find Al Anon meetings because they are the one thing that I truly believe saved my life. Be strong, find it within you to do what needs to be done for both you and your son.

Ladywind

Your counselor should give you some great advice. I agree that not telling him is best if possible. It sounds dangerous to stay and dangerous to go. I hope a protection order will keep him away. Your son is the most important person, the man does not need to know why your son stays away, it may be best to avoid that argument if he is a bully to you or him. Praying for you

maia1234

Sunny, I am sorry for what you are going through. Sometimes we need to have a little pressure on us to do the right thing. I respect your son for choosing not to live in the crazy house. I don't blame him. I understand that you don't know if you are strong enough. You are strong enough, as this is your child and he is your priority. You will find the strength to do what is best for both of you.

Listen to your gut feeling, you know what you need to do. You owe no explanation to your AH. Your priority is to make sure the 2 of you are ok. Find a home and do what you need to do to make this happen. Everything will fall into place after that.

Hugs my friend!!!

hopeful4

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only say that when you have a child, your #1 responsibility is taking care of that child. If you need some time away to do so, do it. You deserve peace, so does your son.

I am sorry this is happening. Tight hugs to you.

sunny34

Thank you for your responses.

Chicory- Thank you for your response. I do have places to go if things get ugly. I am currently sorting out my options and making a plan since I cannot leave overnight. I have to have a plan.

Anvilhead- Thank you, I have not heard that saying before but I like it. Yes my son does need me and I will do this. He is my top priority.

Lizatola- I hope things work out for your son with his dad. It gives me a little hope that things could change for my son as I never know what could happen. I have been trying to bring out a change in my AH and for him to quit drinking or years and I know am no longer in denial and I do not think he will ever quit. I have been trying to leave for years and got the strength once but he talked me into coming back. This time I will not be going back. I am finally done.

Ladywind- Thank you, it feels dangerous to stay and dangerous to go. I can deal with it for myself but I cannot control what happens between my son and his AH. I never know if something will be ok or not each day. It changes all the time. He can bully and be aggressive sometimes but not always. It is the unpredictability that I cannot stand any more.

Maia- I am trying to listen to my gut and in my heart I know it will never change and this is the only option. I should have done it years ago but I did not. I really hope things fall into place once I am out.

Hopefully4- Yes my son is my top responsibility and priority.

Thank you everyone for your responses. It seems so hard but I know this is what I have to do. I spent today trying to make some type of plan and figure out my options. My AH was in the office all day so I could not make any calls but as soon as I can I will be calling a lawyer for advice and looking at what my actual options are since we do have a son.

I worry about finding a job since my only work experience for the last 20 years has been with my AH so it is not like I have the availability to use it as a reference so I am not sure what I will do about that.

Anyway I will keep moving forward with my plan and will get the legal advice so I don't make a bad choice.

dandylion

sunny......I would l ike to remind you that your local domestic violence organization exists to help those that are in your exact kind of situation.

Everything is kept in strict confidence and it is NOT a government organization. They have the experience and resources that might be hard for you to com e by an a lone individual. They can help you with the details of escape planning. They can also recommend the best lawyers for you to talk to if you don't already have one.
You really have nothing to lose by accepting the help of those who have the ability and desire to help you in whatever way you need.....

dandylion