healthyagain

Not sure if this is something that happens, but for the past two days, I've been pretty sad and down. Not because of him or what he did (damn I am happy, I'm out), but because I started remembering other people, mainly family members and friends, which I completely neglected and pretty much lost contact with. I feel horrible that I have not seen my father for 7 years almost, that I missed my sister's graduation, and that I will never see my aunt, my mom's sister, who died 6 months ago. Really feel poisoned and totally powerless right now. I guess I was so preoccupied with him and jumping around him that I hurt so many people. Like they never meant anything, but they mean the world to me.

Anyone had this experience? How did you reconnect with old people, friends, family?

Liveitwell

Just start-tell the truth and those that are meant to be in your life will accept it and you. Many people won't understand unless they've been through living with an addict.

healthyagain

I never thought I would lose anyone, but things just happened. I guess reality hurts.

searching peace

Healthy again,
Yes. My father passed away in February. He was the only person that has loved me my entire life unconditionally. And yet, I allowed my stbxah's abuse to keep me away from him for the last seven years. I only saw him on occasion but not for very long and never really explained why or exactly the entire situation. When I walked into his hospital room, he looked at me and said "I thought I would never see you again." That is the last thing my father said to me. They put him on a ventilator and he couldn't talk after that and then slipped into an unconsciousness before he died. I texted him during the past few years but the last text conversation we had, I had gotten angry with him for not understanding my situation better. So yes I understand and the guilt I feel will never go away. If there is any way for you to sit down and try to explain your situation and what you have gone through and tell the people you love how much you have missed being present in their lives, it is never too late. Definitely worth you swallowing some pride and trying.

happybeingme

Reality is painful when we finally open ours eyes and see what we have done with our lives. But there can be healing. But, you have to be willing to face what you did and admit to those that you hurt that you did it and you are sorry. In my own recovery I have never followed a formal program but still felt compelled to make amends to some people. It was embarrassing, and I felt ashamed at times but no matter the outcome I never regretted it.

daydreamer0217

I started calling people that i had neglected. You would be surprised by how much they really love you. Some people did not respond back. That is ok too. Hugs hon. We all have been there

dandylion

Healthy......someone on this forum used to have a byline that said, basically

"There is seldom coming to reality without pain...."

This has stuck in my mind. I think that is what you are taking about, right now..

LOL! I don't know what your age is...but, even without an alcoholic to blame it on...,,,.I think many of us are guilty of the "ignorance and arrogance of youth"......we get so engrossed into our own head swirl that we think that we take sooo much for granted. Yes.....we assume that those we love will always be there......and spend little time thinking about their needs. We forget that our time and caring is the greatest gift that we can ever give another....

I am so guilty myself......I wish I had a time machine so that I could go back and have a do over......

I think that the only thing that we can do when we do face reality is to make ammends and to do better......

As another thought.....I have heard more than one alcoholic say that the hardest thing about recovery (authentic recovery).....is facing the pain of th e pain and damage that they have caused the loved ones in their life.......

dandylion

hopeful4

I completely understand where you are coming from. I did reconnect. And I told the truth. All of my friends and family were very understanding and supportive. The truth shall set you free!!!

XXX

healthyagain

That's exactly how I feel. Wish I had a time machine. What comforts me is that it could have been worse, could have lost more time and people. Don't know if his alcoholism can be an excuse. I should have known better. But was he controlling? Yes. Was he playing the mind games?Yes. Was I scared to act and tell anyone. Absolutely.

I opened up to my sister recently and told her about the move and divorce and everything. And she is furious. She rants and rants and has so much to say against my AH, to the point I told her to just let it go, LOL. But we are figuring out how to tell dad so he does not get extremely upset, although I do not think he is going to be too sad either. After the initial shock, he might even throw a party.

I am feeling better today. What happened, happened. It is time to mend the broken pieces and plan the trip home.

FireSprite

I went through this too. I was really humiliated at my own behavior over the years, at the way I had shoved everyone & everything aside to make room & time for AH first. I was so humbled when these same people came running to my side in my time of need. (I was equally disappointed in many others - the first few months of this upheaval showed me who my true, loyal friends are.)

My best advice is to make the first move & just be honest. Tell them you were wrong to treat them that way & the reasons why. (Not as excuses, but it's important for them to understand what you had been going through too.) Let them know that you are just coming up for air & finally out of the FOG you had been living in. It IS embarrassing to make these kinds of amends but I figured it couldn't be worse than the embarrassment of what my life had been like before. If they chose to not accept me, flaws & all, then I could still move on knowing that I definitely gave it my best shot.

Then work on rebuilding relationships with those that are forgiving. I'm now much closer to ALL of the friends that survived recovery with me, by far. We talk more honestly, about more sensitive & complex issues than we had before & have a much deeper bond than in the past.

I hope you are feeling better today!