Butterfly

So the old friend I bumped into well we met up and as I was leaving his place he kissed me. Initially I was taken aback but then I kissed him back. It felt good, good to feel that I was wanted and attractive to someone. So we continued talking and he told me many times that he wanted to have sex with me and he was sure if we did it once he would want to do it again but how there was plenty of time for that, that he really liked me and that it would be nice if I stayed at his some time. So he was a bit off for a couple of days and I was at his the other night. Again lots of kissing but he was talking in riddles about what he wanted. He didn't want to get hurt or for me to get hurt didn't want to not be friends. I didn't understand what he was saying and he mentioned my text about how I wasn't ready for anything.

Of course I spent the next day trying to figure out what he meant and panicking as he didn't seem to be as interested. Yes again I focused on someone else and not myself. We talked Friday night and we talked about how I had so much to deal with emotionally how I wasn't over how he treated me or how I let him treat me and he said that I would never have to go through any of what I went through with stbxah again.

Today we were talking and he said how he would prefer for things to stay the way they were, just friends. I was taken back and yes I asked why he kissed me and said all those things if he only wanted to be friends, his response was that was how he felt but with everything I'm feeling/going through he thought it was for the best and he doesn't want anything to be complicated and this way we can still be friends!!! I told him its grand I get it.

I get it why would any guy want to get involved with someone who is so emotionally messed up. I jumped straight in after being so determined that I didn't want to be involved again with anyone. I enjoyed how he kissed me and made me feel, how he was fun, I looked forward to talking to him everyday and how I wasn't so focused on my stbxah. I enjoyed feeling attractive and wanted by someone.

Iam so foolish for getting caught up in this this, not listening to my gut because I thought my guts always wrong and now I feel rejected again that I'm not good enough not even to see the person underneath the insecurities, the damage caused. I also realised tonight I don't want o be alone, I want to be in a relationship as that will validate me that. I am worthy of being around!

Will I ever learn, will I ever feel that I am good enough in my own right.

honeypig

Just a reminder, Butterfly:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-guilty.html

This situation didn't exactly come out of the blue, I think....and "seeking validation thru a relationship" is exactly what led a lot of us to be here in the first place.

Butterfly

Sorry honeypig in what way?

maia1234

Butterfly, I think you need some time to be on your own. You need a healthy mind to start another relationship. You are still fragile. Please take the time to get to know who you are and what you want.

SparkleKitty

It is also possible to validate yourself as being worthy to be around, B. In fact, I think it is necessary before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone else.

Butterfly

Sorry honeypig your whole message didn't come up.

Maia, I am still fragile but I am so fed up being on my own and feeling so urghh!!

Sparklekitty I haven't been doing a good job of validating myself again I jump into whatever it was wanting him to make me feel good about myself.

I feel he messed with my head, he knew how I felt, what I was going through and he pushed and pushed then walks away but wants to stay friends!! How can I be friends with someone who dissected my feelings and played a game with me!!

But what's worse is I let him, all because I didn't want to be on my own and it felt good to feel wanted but he didn't really want me. I didn't respect my own feelings, I ignored them. So how can I expect anyone to respect me when I don't respect myself!!!!

honeypig

I was thinking this was the same old friend you posted about in that thread, and thus the whole situation had been discussed, w/you deciding it was a bad idea to pursue the relationship. My apologies if the person or situation is different and I misunderstood, but it surely sounded the same to me.

ETA: I just read your last post. Seems that what you actually "validated" was a lot of the reasons given in your earlier thread for not getting involved w/this guy. Sorry this happened--you're not the first or last one who has to learn the hard way, but what is important is that you DO learn. And I know you can.

jjj111

Butterfly, it sounds like you weren't really sure what you wanted from him and you had to work through it. It wasn't really that you rejected him or he rejected you--you took some time to explore, and realized you weren't compatible. Your feelings about this--that he rejected you, betrayed you, left you feeling worthless--sound so similar to the feelings you've expressed about your ex. But you had a moment recently where you realized that if he hadn't left you might have made him leave. What is it about this feeling of abandonment that keeps you circling back? I know that in my own case, I felt abandoned and rejected by my father and by an older brother I looked up to, and as an adult I have sought out and even created situations where I re-experience those emotions. I'm working on getting to a place where I can feel in control of my destiny and still feel happy, even when relationships don't work out. I hope you will find ways to get back in touch with your own power in relationships.

SeriousKarma

Cut yourself some slack, Butterfly. You still have the training wheels on. Maybe this wasn't "the one". Maybe he was just your "bridge".

A very wise therapist once told me that people shouldn't really go from one serious relationship straight into another. They need a "bridge". Something or someone to fill the gap while they figure out what's what. Something or someone to learn on. He felt it wasn't really healthy to be jumping head first into a new relationship too soon.

Even you admit yourself that you've still got some growing to do, but by berating yourself you're only slowing yourself down.

You weren't "foolish". You were just living your life, testing the waters, learning who you are as a single woman, and deciding whether or not you need to tweak some things.

He's probably doing the same on his end.

Butterfly

Thanks honeypig, yes it was the same guy and your right I didn't want a relationship, I knew I wasn't ready but when he kissed me it felt good I felt something other than everything I've been feeling this last 15 months, I felt attractive and wanted and I wanted to continue feeling that way I enjoyed the attention even though it may not have been good attention so I jumped in both feet.

jjj111, thank you. I suppose they are the same feelings, they've just been reinforced again! My feelings of abandonment and rejection come from my mother and constantly seeking validation from her. Suppose I could be creating situations where I'm re experiencing these feelings and therefore causing my own pain as its reinforcing my negative thinking.

And yes I did realise that I probably would have left stbxah and I still feel that way.

Butterfly

Thanks seriouskarma, he probably saw how needy and insecure I was as I'm sure I didn't hide it well, probably pushed him away rather than taking things slow and seeing how it went but oh no not me!!

searching peace

Butterfly, do not listen to all of that negative talk in your head! You are doing great! You allowed yourself to feel again. Some people don't allow themselves to ever open up again after going through experiences as you have. You absolutely are desirable, because this person did desire you. Thankfully, maybe he is not as creepy as some of us thought and maybe he is healthy enough to see that you need time. You didn't sleep with him, which is a good thing. From what I have read your attraction to each other was mutual. But look at this as a good first step. You got back out there and trusted yourself and another person. Normal people go through these dating scenarios all of the time. I do agree with some of the others that if you can take some time to learn about yourself and why you are feeling the way you are about yourself, the low self esteem and not wanting to be alone, that it will truly help you heal and become healthier in your thinking. I thank my stbxah, because if it were not for him, I would not have learned how unhealthy I am and may have jumped into another abusive relationship. I have done a lot of soul searching as to why I feel some of the exact things you are feeling. Why I need someone else to validate me and why I don't want to be alone etc. after a lot of retrospective thinking, I remembered quite a bit about my mother and definitely not getting what I needed emotionally. Try and look at all of this as a gift to help you become healthy. And try and remember you are where you are supposed to be. This is only my opinion but, I fully believe in Gods plan and that even though we may not understand why we go through what we do, I think it is to help us grow as people to do the work we were meant to do and serve our purpose in life. Just my opinion. Please treat yourself as you would a friend and be kinder and less judgmental of yourself. Be proud of your accomplishments no matter how small you feel they are.

dandylion

Butterfly.......everyone who has ever been in the dating world will tell you---it is not easy.
It is a crap-shoot at best! Even with a rule book. There are no easy answers......Everyone has to fly by the seat of their pants....and think on their feet. We each just do the best that we can.
Everyone has to be able to take rejection, if it comes. To be disappointed or disillusioned way more than once. Kiss a frog or two.

You are going to h ave to be up front with ANYONE that you go out with about what you want and what your boundaries are.

If you are not able to do that or y ou don't know what your boundaries are...then maybe, you need to socialize only with platonic friends and acquaintences.

If you want male companionship----along with some making out and nothing more....Be very explicit from the first moment.
If you would like the occassional roll in the hay....make sure that you can handle it. If not----best to stay platonic....

Dating definitely not for the faint of heart......at least, that is how I see it....

dandylion

redatlanta

I say enjoy that it all felt good I think its important to know you can!

Here is how I look at this - you are not divorced. You have issues with you STBXAH. You are not ready for a relationship you need to end the one legally that you are still in.

I don't think the attraction factor for your friend has changed - but you all have talked and I think he is smart - this is not relationship material right now. Entering into it may end what has possibility in the future.

Sounds like you have both given mixed signals to each other. You weren't foolish you were having fun.

AnvilheadII

ok, dating rule #1:

So the old friend I bumped into well we met up and as I was leaving his place he kissed me.

do NOT go to THEIR place or have them over to yours right out the gate. neutral places. I thought this was supposed to be COFFEE.

but he was talking in riddles about what he wanted. He didn't want to get hurt or for me to get hurt didn't want to not be friends. I didn't understand what he was saying and he mentioned my text about how I wasn't ready for anything.


you had CLEARLY stated to him before meeting that you were not ready for ANYTHING more than friends. and he was actually showing some decency and respect for that. he didn't push. he seemed to get that you are NOT ready and didn't want you to get hurt.

his response was that was how he felt but with everything I'm feeling/going through he thought it was for the best and he doesn't want anything to be complicated and this way we can still be friends!!!
again, he realizes you have been thru a lot and that now is not the time to get further involved.

now I feel rejected again that I'm not good enough not even to see the person underneath the insecurities, the damage caused. I also realised tonight I don't want o be alone, I want to be in a relationship as that will validate me that. I am worthy of being around!



it can't be rejection if they did exactly as you wished and want to keep it to friends. as long as you look to another man to validate you, you'll stay stuck. it wasn't his job to validate you. another relationship won't FIX you. what was he supposed to do, throw you down, rip your clothes off and have his way with you? if that is what you wanted, you sent the wrong message.

of course it is nice to feel like you still got it. when my 1st husband left, I went out to a party that very weekend, in my mom's shiny gold corvette, picked one out of the herd and had wild monkey sex. and the left. we didn't even exchange phone numbers. it was my "i'll show YOU" moment.....two willing partners with matching goals. no harm no foul. complete detachment, no strings, NO expectations.
i'm not saying it was my finest moment!!!

you tend to overanalyze EVERYTHING that others do and insert yourself as the reason they act the way they do. time to quit reading minds. and digging til you think you find their motives. try taking things at face value.

searching peace

Ugh as much as I hate to do it, I have to agree with anvil! Just kidding anvil! But I do agree with that post. Please stop reading in to everything or trying to analyze every bit and piece of each exchange or conversation. I do the same thing and it never ever turns out well. And usually every scenario I think of, is never the real reason.

LexieCat

Yup, what Anvil said. Think of it from his perspective, he's trying to let you know he's attracted to you but willing to go at your pace. I know it's hard to navigate when you're feeling attracted (and attractive--yay!) yourself, but aren't sure how far you want to take it.

So it sounds to me as if YOU are the one who's ambivalent. He isn't, but he's trying to walk that delicate line between showing interest and being pushy.

Maybe keep it casual for now, get to know each other a little better--he's sort of from the past, right? So things change with time. Maybe plan some activity you'd both enjoy and see if you really have fun together. In the vertical sense of the word.

lizatola

I agree with Dandylion. I had a FWB (friends with benefits) situation going on a few months ago and we were very up front about where we both were emotionally and what we were both looking for. He gave me what I wanted: sex and positive affirmations of my worth and I gave him a good few rolls in the hay as he was just coming out of a dysfunctional relationship himself. We knew the rules, we played by the rules, and we set them up in advance before we jumped in the sack.

You have to be honest with yourself and with the other party. I am now dating a great guy but my FWB had to be booted out of the picture once I got serious with the new guy. We are still friends but, at a distance, because it's not fair to new guy to keep FWB guy in the vicinity.

Anyway, with all that said, dating is not for the faint of heart like Dandelion said. You must be honest, period,and be very willing to take rejection and to NOT take it personal. I looked at the dating thing as an opportunity to learn, to have new experiences, and to explore exactly what it is I want for ME. In other words, lighten up and enjoy yourself. Have fun, date other men, just go out and enjoy YOUR life, and eventually someone will enter it who sees how beautiful and deserving of real love you truly are!

Butterfly

Thanks everyone. Although I have probably blown the friends thing now with my response I get it and I haven't heard from him since.

Probably best.

maybear

Deep breath Butterfly! Big hugs. You are so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break, you are human and so is he remember.
Dating is hard for everyone. We have all been rejected and will reject. There are many reasons.
You are putting your entire self worth in this guy's hands. Take it back and keep it where it belongs. With you.

I agree that you need to establish some boundaries when it comes to dating and stick with them. Make sure you are accountable and 'check in' with yourself and your feelings when you start dating to make sure you are not feeling uncomfortable and overstepping your boundaries at any time.

Hugs!! You are doing great, please show yourself some compassion.