maybear

Hi everyone
Hope you are all doing well.
Husband is still in rehab. Last time we had contact I asked him to leave me be until he had got back on his feet and maintained his sobriety for a good period of time and then we could have a discussion about the future and talk about arrangements regarding our daughter.
I got a call tonight from his Step Dad to say that he isn't doing well and is wanting to leave rehab to go back to his Dad's (also an alcoholic). I guess he just wants to drink again.
His family have said they will support him with money and accommodation if he completes rehab and then until he finds a job again (he lost the one he had) but he is resistant.
I feel so sad for him. Part of me wants to reach out to him as I am very worried but I'm not sure what that would achieve.
Apparently there is a Psychiatrist seeing him at the rehab, that makes me feel a bit less worried.
I don't know, maybe he is at a place where he feels there is nothing worth fighting for so he might as well drink.

CarmenLove

Hi Maybear,

I can see that must be tough for you.

However he has EVERYTHING to fight for.

You, his daughter, his family and his life...

It's his choice.

Good that he is in rehab.

Sending you and your daughter love.

maybear

Thanks, Carmen.

You are right, he does have everything to fight for.

It is so hard for me to get my head around the fact that he just can't get it together.

It's hard, I am moving with our baby and we will be a long way from him. Somehow, I feel the fact that I am moving on is probably giving him more of a reason to give up on himself.

Hawkeye13

So do you want yourself and your daughter remain hostage to his drinking?

He has an opportunity to get help to stop.
If he doesn't want to take it, that's his choice but not your problem.

I'm not trying to be unkind, but as a drinker,
of course I wanted my family but I also wanted to drink.
I was harming my family by drinking, however,
so I couldn't have both.

I chose sobriety, and hopefully he will too.
But you should have no guilt about taking
care of your daughter and yourself by getting away
from the drunken chaos

honeypig

If you had the power to make him drink by your actions, then surely you'd have the power to stop his drinking by your actions, too, right? And has that happened so far?

He is an A. That is the reason he drinks. And as Hawkeye says, allowing yourself and your daughter to continue to be held hostage by him will not do anything good for anyone.

Certainly, feel your feelings of sadness and loss, but don't turn aside from your plan for a better and healthier life.

maybear

Oh no, I'm definitely in no way changing my plans.

Sometimes, I just get a flash of regret or maybe guilt. I think after many of his friends and family have sort of attacked me for leaving sometimes I wonder whether I should have tried a bit harder to stick it out with him and be more supportive. But I just want peace and I certainly have that now.

Thanks for your responses. I am just concerned about his welfare and also sad for him.

CarmenLove

Maybear I totally get it, and I have these feelings and doubts too!

It's so much easier to see when it is not our own situation.

My A's family did that same to me... sometimes that pressure gets to me and I doubt myself / get confused.

I too wonder if I could have stuck it out longer or tried harder (I don't know how the heck I could have tried harder... but it's a thought).

Then I realise that it wouldn't have made any difference, except to make ME more sick, drain our finances more, affect my life, my energy, my dreams, my health etc in a negative way. And he would have still been using.

If he had wanted to stop he would stop.

If he wants to stop he will stop.

It's up to him NOTHING I can do about it.

I go back to 'I didn't cause it and I can't control it'.

*I* can take responsibility for ME and my own recovery / healing and my life.

If he wanted to join me on that path of REAL recovery, that door is open.

So far he doesn't. That is OK too (although I feel sad sometimes).

I hope my ramblings help.

Hugs.

maia1234

Maybear,
I know u are questioning your decision to leave. He would never have gone into rehab with out u doing what u are doing now. Stay strong and pray for him. You were his hostage just like Hawkeye said. He wanted his family and drink, but he can't have both. That is part of hitting bottom.

I'm not to religious but I pray every day for my x. Let him follow the path God set out for him, as we have no control. You are doing this for little maybears future!! Hugs my friend, as you are going to be ok!

iGirl66

This is the thing about rehab, good solid rehabs. The patient, are while vulnerable and in withdrawal, is rolled in bubble wrap. They have counsellors, doctors, individual and group therapy on a daily, indeed multiple times a day support. They pay no rent, have no bills to maintain, have 3 square meals and snacks. In my ex's rehab they went to "sober parties" and had laundry service. When he got out with his new rehab girlfriend, who he had enough free time to meet, they get state benefits, job placement, money for school, housing and transportation allowance.

If a person cannot right themselves and become productive citizens and family members with all of that help then it's because they just bloody well don't want to! Nothing we do or don't do is going to change that. They don't care so we have to, no choice in it and it sounds like you've made some very, very, good choices from a healthy place. So proud of your inspiring progress! Don't look back on your relationship with anything but gratitude that it's over!

maybear

Thank you everyone.

I have to remember he was given a choice. Drink or family and he has made his choice.

FeelingGreat

Hi Maybear, as a sober A, I can tell you that he has to develop the sort of strong concern for his own health and self-esteem to be successful in trying to be sober. He loves you both, but that alone can't do it. If he sticks it out in rehab the period without alcohol might give him a chance to take stock. Or he might not be ready.
Either way, you staying would not give him incentive on it's own, and it would be a huge cost to you.

maybear

Thanks, FeelingGreat.

I guess he is not there yet, if ever. He says how sorry he is constantly. It is a strange thing that he can choose this yet be so aware of what he is losing. Like, he is weighing up the pros and cons in his current sober state and decides to go with the alcohol! Huh! I know it's an addiction but it is hard for me to understand.

Thanks for your words xx

redatlanta

Just wait and see what happens. The best thing would be if his family really emphasizes that if he leaves he is on his own.

I think many times when an A is newly in rehab or sober they feel they want to leave. I don't really think that is unusual. Watch and wait it may just be talk yesterday and today he feels differently. I hope so.

i understand your compassion toward him.

hopeful4

I am sorry. It's hard to hear someone you care about so much is getting ready to make a bad decision. However, those people are trained to deal with this. Let them do their job, and let him make his decisions. That's all you can do.

Stay strong. XXX