Having a hard night
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Having a hard night
Having a hard night. I've worked so hard on regaining myself and getting out of the dysfunction. I was a basket case for years-I was so focused on his behavior that I just didn't realize how far I'd fallen and the quite embarrassing ways I did act. You know there were many nights he would say abd do awful things and I would follow him around begging him not to leave or divirce me? Why?! I remember lashing out at him and then apologizing sincerely saying I don't know what's wrong with me! I needed some help. Glad I got it.
I think what's bothering me so much is that I started on my own path of recovery, regardless of what he did, and haven't looked back. I started doing my own thing, joined the Church, got real with myself and just plain grew up. I also forgave my husband for everything he had done, everything I had done, and just tried to continue with my head above water living with abd loving an alcoholic with two young kids at home. For a long time he told me he was proud of me for how much I had changed. How he was lucky to have me. How I was the best person he knew. And all of that has been thrown out the window in the last fee months. I've been told I am not a good person, all my old self sins have been thrown in my face, and just have been treated so horribly nasty I sonetimes wonder if my life has turned into a Lifetime movie.
God-I was a mess. I was unhappy all the time. Unhappy at night bc my husband would lie about drinking and I could snell it on him when he got hone, unhappy as I watched it take more of his time so less was spent with us, and unhappy in the morning bc if thjngs that invarisbly happened the night before. I see that I was just as sick as he is-I was under the impression that he would make me happy. He did-but my responsibility was to pick myself up and stop focusing on him to be happy. Nobody can make you happy-that's not anyone else's job but our own. I understood that. I don't think my ex has a clue about that. I always felt this overwhelming pressure to make sure ge was happy-if only I had done sonething differently maybe he would be happy. He echoed the same sentiment, and his family echoed the same-if he wasn't happy it was obviously something I, ME, was doing wrong. Echoed during our divirce when I found out his mom had told him to not worry about his stupid wife bc his sister would take care of him forever and make him happy. My ex and his sister both thought that sounded great. It made me want to throw up. Literally. How sick is that?!?
Ugh-anyway, just thinking back to how twisted things got and I'm glad I got myself out. I did and do feel true remorse for the "bad things" I did to my then husband. This man is telling me he just wanted to be my husband, that he just wanted to be mine, how he never wanted this, etc and my mind for some reason keeps going back to a night last year right before we moved into our new home. Our dream family home. I broke down one night after his typical "I'm going to cook dinner fir my family (drink) and then spend the rest of the night outside by myself drinking while my wife is inside". I was just so done. He walked inside and I was crying. I begged him to just please stay inside and spend some time with me. He looked st me and started laughing this demented laugh-like he enjoyed seeing me cry. I said "can you please just sound one night with me and your kids instead of sitting outside drinking by yourself?" His response was to get angry, bring up the abortions I had almôst a decade ago and finally yell at me, "fine-one night a week but that's all you get". Even then I didn't see the writing on the wall. I still thought things would get better. I still didn't understand how much alcohol had a hold on him. I do now, and it's heartbreaking.
I'm just glad I got better and thankful to be able to learn from yall and share what I've learned abd how I'm struggling.
For a long time I thought if I could just understand what he was then I could love him enough to make it better....angry, alcoholic, etc....whatever IT was it was not remotely close to ok. Doesn't matter what it was. Whatever I was, abgry, depressed, etc-it was not ok. Glad to be okay now. But still struggling and hurting a lot. Sorting through a lot.
I think what's bothering me so much is that I started on my own path of recovery, regardless of what he did, and haven't looked back. I started doing my own thing, joined the Church, got real with myself and just plain grew up. I also forgave my husband for everything he had done, everything I had done, and just tried to continue with my head above water living with abd loving an alcoholic with two young kids at home. For a long time he told me he was proud of me for how much I had changed. How he was lucky to have me. How I was the best person he knew. And all of that has been thrown out the window in the last fee months. I've been told I am not a good person, all my old self sins have been thrown in my face, and just have been treated so horribly nasty I sonetimes wonder if my life has turned into a Lifetime movie.
God-I was a mess. I was unhappy all the time. Unhappy at night bc my husband would lie about drinking and I could snell it on him when he got hone, unhappy as I watched it take more of his time so less was spent with us, and unhappy in the morning bc if thjngs that invarisbly happened the night before. I see that I was just as sick as he is-I was under the impression that he would make me happy. He did-but my responsibility was to pick myself up and stop focusing on him to be happy. Nobody can make you happy-that's not anyone else's job but our own. I understood that. I don't think my ex has a clue about that. I always felt this overwhelming pressure to make sure ge was happy-if only I had done sonething differently maybe he would be happy. He echoed the same sentiment, and his family echoed the same-if he wasn't happy it was obviously something I, ME, was doing wrong. Echoed during our divirce when I found out his mom had told him to not worry about his stupid wife bc his sister would take care of him forever and make him happy. My ex and his sister both thought that sounded great. It made me want to throw up. Literally. How sick is that?!?
Ugh-anyway, just thinking back to how twisted things got and I'm glad I got myself out. I did and do feel true remorse for the "bad things" I did to my then husband. This man is telling me he just wanted to be my husband, that he just wanted to be mine, how he never wanted this, etc and my mind for some reason keeps going back to a night last year right before we moved into our new home. Our dream family home. I broke down one night after his typical "I'm going to cook dinner fir my family (drink) and then spend the rest of the night outside by myself drinking while my wife is inside". I was just so done. He walked inside and I was crying. I begged him to just please stay inside and spend some time with me. He looked st me and started laughing this demented laugh-like he enjoyed seeing me cry. I said "can you please just sound one night with me and your kids instead of sitting outside drinking by yourself?" His response was to get angry, bring up the abortions I had almôst a decade ago and finally yell at me, "fine-one night a week but that's all you get". Even then I didn't see the writing on the wall. I still thought things would get better. I still didn't understand how much alcohol had a hold on him. I do now, and it's heartbreaking.
I'm just glad I got better and thankful to be able to learn from yall and share what I've learned abd how I'm struggling.
For a long time I thought if I could just understand what he was then I could love him enough to make it better....angry, alcoholic, etc....whatever IT was it was not remotely close to ok. Doesn't matter what it was. Whatever I was, abgry, depressed, etc-it was not ok. Glad to be okay now. But still struggling and hurting a lot. Sorting through a lot.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 98
I'm shocked at his family's response, that it's your fault for not making him happy, and now he's his sister's responsibility...talk about weird and dysfunctional. But good riddance!! I'd be like here, you can have him!
You've been through so much, reading that I just felt amazed at how much strength you have for getting on your own path to recovery and not getting sucked down the tubes with him.
You are still hurting and sorting through a lot, but sounds like your on your way up. I'm so excited for you tbh, now you can have a real life with peace and joy and happiness, and you'll make sure anyone you let into your life will be kind and treat you with respect b/c that's what you deserve.
You've been through so much, reading that I just felt amazed at how much strength you have for getting on your own path to recovery and not getting sucked down the tubes with him.
You are still hurting and sorting through a lot, but sounds like your on your way up. I'm so excited for you tbh, now you can have a real life with peace and joy and happiness, and you'll make sure anyone you let into your life will be kind and treat you with respect b/c that's what you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Forourgirls, what is important is that you've set your feet on the path to sanity and peace. You've begun to see the craziness you've been living in for what it is--sickness, dysfunction, a completely unhealthy and insane way of life. You've begun to believe that something better is possible and have made some big changes, heading towards that better life.
What a huge step forward! Just keep on doing the next thing that you can see that's right. Trust that you will be (and are being) guided, and that you cannot fail. You might have temporary setbacks, but overall, you will succeed. Peace, love, friendship, contentment--all of that will be yours.
BTW, I always want to abbreviate Forourgirls as FOG, but if you're an Alanon member, you know what FOG stands for--Fear, Obligation and Guilt--and I think that is exactly what you're leaving behind you!
What a huge step forward! Just keep on doing the next thing that you can see that's right. Trust that you will be (and are being) guided, and that you cannot fail. You might have temporary setbacks, but overall, you will succeed. Peace, love, friendship, contentment--all of that will be yours.
BTW, I always want to abbreviate Forourgirls as FOG, but if you're an Alanon member, you know what FOG stands for--Fear, Obligation and Guilt--and I think that is exactly what you're leaving behind you!
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
Keep writing, keep sharing, keep growing!!! I'm not one bit surprised at his families reaction. My ex's family is the text book model of dysfunction though you'd never know it from the outside. He sounds like one horribly sick and twisted man. God has given you the gift of freedom from this psycho. Take it and run!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^^ I recall sitting with our pastor and he looked at my husband and said something to the effect of...why are you listening to your sister and mom? Maybe God is trying to tell you abd show you he wants sonething different for you than what they want. Don't think it got through. If you look to someone else to save you or make you happy, you'll never be happy and will end up resenting then bc people aren't perfect and will fail. Yes-glad to not be a part of the dysfunction anymore. In the famous words of my pastor as he was sitting there smiling huge and grasping my hands praying, "thank God you got out of the crab trap-they might keep trying to but your legs off, but you got out!!!!". Yep. I did. Thank God, indeed.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Forourgirls,
I think a lot of us have walked in your shoes. I'm so happy for you that there is a light at the end of your tunnel. Keep walking the path and you will get to that light.
Hugs my friend you should be proud, you have come a long long way!!
I think a lot of us have walked in your shoes. I'm so happy for you that there is a light at the end of your tunnel. Keep walking the path and you will get to that light.
Hugs my friend you should be proud, you have come a long long way!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Forourgirls.....most all of the time....when push finally comes to shove...blood family will turn against the "outsider". Especially when it might alleviate some of their guilt---especially if they happen to be enablers.
I have seen a few exceptions to this---but, it is pretty rare....
dandylion
I have seen a few exceptions to this---but, it is pretty rare....
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Forourgirls.....I have one more thought to share....
I think that when one is constantly responding to CRAZY---without realizing that it IS crazy----one will, eventually, start to behave crazy.
It is like: Crazy begets Crazy.
Moral of this story: Stay away from crazy!!
dandylion
I think that when one is constantly responding to CRAZY---without realizing that it IS crazy----one will, eventually, start to behave crazy.
It is like: Crazy begets Crazy.
Moral of this story: Stay away from crazy!!
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Moral of my story-I should have listened to his dad almost 11 years ago when he told me to stay away from his wife and daughter bc they were the evil manipulative ones. After I started my journey and confessed and repented my sins I very much encouraged my then husband to do the same-to come into the light abd away from the darkness. I encouraged him to tell the truth. They've 100% continued to tell him to lie and enabled and rescued him abd smeared me so they are not guilty. They are in fact THE guilty parties. I recall for years my ex telling me his sister and mom were the best-mom taught him to cuss and three parties for him watching the teenagers drink bc she wanted to be his friend rather than a parebt and big sis snuck him out if school and bought him beer when he was in high school. Big sister also told him repeatedly before our divirce that he was absolutely not an alcoholic and did not have a problem. It's like there's this sick "I have to feel needed" thing. Wow-such good women ! I pray for them, truly. I know someone was praying for me to get me out-telling the truth is excrutiabgly hard. They are textbook alcoholic family with dysfunction and enabling and I WAS the textbook addict and crazy codependent. Those are facts and truths...that I now accept.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Honey, I don't think there is a person on here who would not change the past if they could. I sure know I would. However...I have come to a place that I try to focus on the positive of what came from my marriage. There were some good times. I have two beautiful children I would not change for the world. There was lots of bad, but what is the point in rehashing all of that?
You cannot change the past, but you can change your future. Tight hugs. XXX
You cannot change the past, but you can change your future. Tight hugs. XXX
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Oh...there were plenty of good times. Great times, the best. Literally. Times I wouldn't change for a moment..times that will be some of the best of my life. If I think about those times it breaks my heart all over again and I want to call my ex-and I know that is not a healthy place for me to be with the state he's in. Honestly? I don't want to change anything in the past bc I wouldn't be here right now-it's all happened for a reason. I got to fall in love with a great man-I don't regret one thing. Loving him forced me to grow up. I failed at it and him glissando of times but I figured it out. Nobody's love can fill him or the void he has bc he doesn't love himself. I hope he figures that out. I am working on it...I stopped doing destructive things and only talking with positive people that will make me grow in a positive way with no BS. I still say I wish more than anything he was on this walk with me, on the narrow road. But I live in reality now and reality is he is not and odds are most likely will not. That's ok. Gods got me 
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are 100% right, God does have you! Cherish the good. You don't have to rehash them with him or talk to him about them, just remember the good so the bad does not become toxic.
You are making amazing progress my dear friend!
Many hugs to you! XXX
You are making amazing progress my dear friend!
Many hugs to you! XXX
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