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He's not a fixer upper

Old 05-30-2015, 08:00 AM
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He's not a fixer upper

What do you do when, as a codie, you meet someone who is NOT a fixer upper or dysfunctional or an addict or whatever?

As a recovering co-alcoholic(codie) I am actually finding it easier to slide into friendships and relationships where the other person is not in need of my rescuing or enabling. It's a good place to be. Unfortunately, I still find that my brain goes back to codie and obsessive thinking on a daily basis and that I struggle to maintain my cool on the outside when I feel like my brain is fried and trying to create a problem where there isn't one.

Has anyone else experienced this? Did I even make any sense, LOL? I have been dating a guy for about 7-8 weeks now and I swear I am more 'in reality and not even close to fantasy land' than I've ever been in my life. I see no red flags, none. Yeah, he has some minor habits that are annoying, like the fact that he says the word literally in nearly every other sentence, but nothing that screams "I'm a dysfunctional mentally disturbed addict so please come rescue me" kind of stuff. I have a very close group of Al Anon girlfriends and my sponsor whom I communicate with about this guy and where I'm at so that I don't get in over my head or start burying my head in the denial sand. All of them tell me that it looks like things are going well, that I have my head screwed on straight, that I have my priorities in order, that he seems to be an emotionally mature and responsible guy, etc.

Is this possible? I think I though that I'd be caught in dysfunction land forever or that I'd be an addict magnet for the rest of my life. Now, honestly, it's still early on and this relationship may not last due to other circumstances on either of our sides. Addiction and dysfunction aren't the only reasons that people break up, but I am happy that I seem to have found a normal human being and that normal men are a possibility for me.

To add to this: I wanted to say that I started my new job this week and it's gone well. I have had no problem getting acclimated to an office environment, relating to other people, taking instructions from a VERY demanding and perfectionist boss, and just being gone for 10 hours a day. My son is adjusting well for the most part and my X is trying to step up to the plate, as well.

So, as for the guy, we are going away(flying) next weekend on a trip to visit his friends and to see a city I've never been to before. I am excited but nervous. He's so freaking laid back about life and everything and is completely unphased by the fact that we've only been together 2 short months but, hey, let's take a vacation together anyway. Traveling with my X was always stressful because he couldn't handle other humans, people being in his space, wearing seat belts, crying children and babies, sleeping in a hotel bed, blah blah blah. So, this will be a test for me to see how I handle (not how the guy handles) traveling together.

As for my X: the divorce docs are signed, sealed, notarized, and ready to be delivered to a judge's desk. We just have to wait until the day after June 7th, which is our 60 day mark, when I can get it approved. Our lawyer/mediator told us the turn around time is usually very fast, with in the week. So, as far as I can tell, I should be officially divorced by June 13th or so because I plan to have the paperwork at the courts the minute it can be approved, LOL.
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Old 05-30-2015, 08:11 AM
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You sound GREAT, Liz! And I can totally relate to your feelings! After I was divorced from my first husband I remember comparing every guy I met with how it "used" to be. It's so refreshing and free to see it really doesn't have to be as it was in your past! I'm curious... What word does he use that annoys you lol?
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Old 05-30-2015, 08:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
You sound GREAT, Liz! And I can totally relate to your feelings! After I was divorced from my first husband I remember comparing every guy I met with how it "used" to be. It's so refreshing and free to see it really doesn't have to be as it was in your past! I'm curious... What word does he use that annoys you lol?
The word 'literally', haha. At first it annoyed me but now I don't even notice it.
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Old 05-30-2015, 08:45 AM
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Over the years I feel like I have dated better and better, even though my recent x is an A. It's funny though... even though is an A, he was the "fun-loving" type, and not the manipulative/angry/moody type. A little depressive at times, but definitely not the "abusive" type of man I've found myself entangled with in the past. For me, that is a step up! Sounds stupid I guess to others, but I've done so much work to get where I am. And obviously, I have more to do.

anyway, the bf before him wasn't someone who needed "rescuing" either. He did, however, come from an alcoholic family, and I do see now after 1 1/2 years in that relationship that he had a some emotional dysfunction, but he wasn't a bad guy to have dated in any sense. In the end, we broke up because he lived 45 minutes away and became extremely busy with work and school, and I was ready to get closer emotionally, whereas he felt he needed to focus on "bettering" his life, and so, I saw him less and less. Just a normal reason, ya know?

Anyway, it IS nice. The relationship was so calm. My codie brain wanted so badly to create drama, but I didn't. I just complained about him not having any time for us.

Good luck hun! Hope he is actually a good match for your needs and personality and that it works out for good reasons =)
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Old 05-30-2015, 10:23 AM
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"Literally", huh? I don't know, could be a problem lol. Just kidding.

Take it as a sign of growth in yourself that you are now with a stable, mature man. And enjoy!

As LemonGirl said - over the years my partners improved. A lot. It's great.
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Old 05-30-2015, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
the word 'literally', haha. At first it annoyed me but now i don't even notice it.
lol! 😆
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Old 05-30-2015, 10:48 AM
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That is wonderful! You sound so happy!

I remember it taking at least a year for me to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and /or searching for red flags in my current husband.

I most certainly had a problem with my picker in past relationships. If there was an alchie, addict, user and/or abuser within a 5 mile radius I found him!

Course I have to admit that my best friend at the time set the two of us up on our first date. So maybe that is why? Hmm. Might be something to that?

But I'm so so happy for you!



You go girl!
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Old 05-30-2015, 11:02 AM
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O.K.....somebody is going to have to say it.....so, I guess it will have to be me.

Slightly less than 8wks. is to soon to really know a person through and through. It is still in that "first impression /romantic attraction time".
Aware of it or not....there are bonding hormones at play. People are still on their sunday behavior.
Typically, it is somewhere between 6months and a year that the rose-colored glasses come off enough to begin to make realistic judgements.

I believe that one has to be willing to "throw the fish back" for at l east the first 18mo. of a relationship--if signs of dysfunction (in either party) show up.
Many a bad relationship has been made (divorce rate hovering near 50%) in haste...
What I am saying is--no "permanent hires," Consider this purely probationary period.
You just never, never, know what might crawl out from under the rocks.

If it is o.k.---then, no problem......but, time will tell you that.....

This is what I have learned in a long lifetime---I realize that not everyone will look at it this way....

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Old 05-30-2015, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
O.K.....somebody is going to have to say it.....so, I guess it will have to be me.

Slightly less than 8wks. is to soon to really know a person through and through. It is still in that "first impression /romantic attraction time".
Aware of it or not....there are bonding hormones at play. People are still on their sunday behavior.
Typically, it is somewhere between 6months and a year that the rose-colored glasses come off enough to begin to make realistic judgements.

I believe that one has to be willing to "throw the fish back" for at l east the first 18mo. of a relationship--if signs of dysfunction (in either party) show up.
Many a bad relationship has been made (divorce rate hovering near 50%) in haste...
What I am saying is--no "permanent hires," Consider this purely probationary period.
You just never, never, know what might crawl out from under the rocks.

If it is o.k.---then, no problem......but, time will tell you that.....

This is what I have learned in a long lifetime---I realize that not everyone will look at it this way....

dandylion
And, yes, you are so right! One of my favorite sayings in Al Anon is 'more will be revealed'. Believe me, I honestly don't expect this to go very far. I see it as a chance for me to learn more about myself and about how I carry myself interpersonally in romantic relationships. I'm not out there looking for a husband, LOL. I'm just looking to explore relationships and see where I'm at emotionally and to have a good time. For now, it's just a good chance for me to see what a healthy person looks like and I get to use my tools to keep myself in check as I move along in life.

I think I'd be happy being single forever. I'm loving life right now and spending lots of time with friends and with my son. My son and I went to the gym today and worked out together, then we went to get his haircut, grabbed lunch, and we'll be hanging at home today. I want to keep my life in balance and not get all caught up in 'the one'.....because, quite frankly, I'm not sure that actually exists, LOL.
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Old 05-30-2015, 01:06 PM
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Mister "Laid-Back" in my life?

Translated (in time) to - Mister Do Nothing, Lay Around, Make No Decisions, Get Into Financial Trouble.

His therapist said he was an Ostrich, he himself said he was a Sheep.

Neither of these animals inspire me.
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Old 05-30-2015, 01:08 PM
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Good!!!!!!!!!!!

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Old 05-30-2015, 02:07 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Mister "Laid-Back" in my life?

Translated (in time) to - Mister Do Nothing, Lay Around, Make No Decisions, Get Into Financial Trouble.

His therapist said he was an Ostrich, he himself said he was a Sheep.

Neither of these animals inspire me.
LMAO! No, he's not that kind of laid back. He got his MBA while in the Army, having Uncle Sam pay for his graduate degree and then he was with a tech company in high level management in Silicon Valley for 10 years before getting burnt out on 70 hr work weeks. Then he owned his own energy company for a few years before selling his share. He now is a financial planner and works his tail off building his book of business. He just took his 2 girls camping for the past 3 days (they are 7 and 9) by himself and texted me to tell me they had a successful trip. Since I was a stock broker a few years ago, we talk a lot about financial decisions and our plans and investments. He is financially sound, lol.

Laid back to me means he doesn't flip out about traffic, when his margarita comes with salt and he ordered it no salt, he just wipes the salt off the rim and doesn't say anything. It's like he gets the whole, "how important is it" stuff. My X would have flipped out, complained, sent the drink back, asked for me to commiserate with him, etc. So, it's refreshing to be with someone who doesn't sweat the small stuff.
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Old 05-30-2015, 03:56 PM
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All good Liz. Isn't that nice! Good is a word a lot of us use to describe a day or a few hours, but you are building a new life of days filled with good.
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Old 05-31-2015, 04:07 AM
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Along the road I dated many men who were normies. Yawn. No interest back then. They had to be 'complex" and if they didn't have a problem that I could fix I would move along.

Would welcome that with open arms today!

You sound great so happy for you!
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Old 05-31-2015, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
Along the road I dated many men who were normies. Yawn. No interest back then. They had to be 'complex" and if they didn't have a problem that I could fix I would move along.

Would welcome that with open arms today!

You sound great so happy for you!
So true! Honestly, I think I sometimes create drama in my own head more than anything. I haven't actually spoken to him since Wednesday AM mainly because of this camping trip with his girls. His kids are a priority for him and they drain him energy wise at times. He also has an autoimmune disease that saps his energy periodically, too. Anyway, I was taking it personal that he didn't pick up the phone and call me even though he had initiated text messaging me daily, even while up in the mountains (he would text when he was in town getting camping supplies or groceries) and here I was taking it personal that he didn't phone call me. UGH.

I had to call a program friend and just rehash what was reality and what was in my mind. My stupid mind has me in his life, after 8 weeks mind you, as a priority before his kids or his own hobbies and interests. 8 weeks! Talk about my own insanity. So, I look at reality: the reality is: he took a 7 and 9 year old girl camping by himself. He had to unpack the car yesterday, go drop off camping supplies at his brother's house, pick up his dog at his other brother's house, get the girls settled down, clean out the cooler, feed the girls dinner, and then put them to bed, all after packing up the campsite and the car and then driving 3 hours back to the valley. And, even though we texted a few times yesterday evening, I was taking it personal that he didn't call me even though I didn't even ask him to do so!!! Hello??? I'm the crazy one here....but the best part about all of this is: that I recognize it and that I can regroup and look at reality and then I go read a book, watch a movie with my kid, and go to bed happy. And, that is why I love my program.

I can get all crazy and obsessive in my head, but I now know how to talk myself off the ledge. The people in the rooms of Al Anon have taught me lessons that I am now learning how to apply. Our meeting on Friday night was on the traditions and I remember a few people talking about minding their own business and what that really meant when it came to dealing with not just the alcoholic, but with everybody. We allow others to live their lives as they see fit and if they don't fit in our lives anymore or our needs aren't getting met or we just can't go through life with that person anymore, then we have choices we can make to take personal responsibility to either allow that person to be in our lives or not in the future. Anyway, I love it when our meetings talk about personal responsibility because for so long I lived in my XAH's emotional vacuum. I was a slave to his emotions and his ups and downs and that was what drove me. A healthy emotional life is key to my happiness today and that is where Al Anon has saved me!
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Old 05-31-2015, 07:58 AM
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LOL!......you can tell me to mind my own business, of course...
but, I find myself wondering if you might have ADHD?

........my friend, the roadrunner.....lol...

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Old 05-31-2015, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
LOL!......you can tell me to mind my own business, of course...
but, I find myself wondering if you might have ADHD?

........my friend, the roadrunner.....lol...

dandylion
My son and my X do, but I do not have any form of ADHD or ADD. What I do have is a serious codie brain and I am a woman, both those things combined with hormones can make for quite a mental mess at times! Not sure about the roadrunner thing you were referring to, but forgive me because it's still early here and I'm barely awake, LOL!
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Old 05-31-2015, 09:59 AM
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Liz.....I always liked the cartoon bird (I think he lives in Arizona)....who is always going about 100miles per.hr.
I was only referring to your ability to get more done in one day than two other people!!!!!!!!

hmmm.....do you think that had anything to do with your husband's tendency to get easily frustrated with every little thing?

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Old 05-31-2015, 10:40 AM
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Liz.....lol...(.his adhd, that is)......NOT your being a woman..LOL, LOL!!

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Old 05-31-2015, 11:17 AM
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Liz you are doing GREAT! Your Codie brain may run amuck (sp) at times but you're learning and using the tools you've learned. I absolutely love the terminology of an 18 month probationary catch and release program LOL!!
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