Marcinor

I think "I'm not sure" could be my personal moto right now. I'm not so content today. Why? Hormones? I miss my friend and SO. The I've seen him two times since the last off and those face to face's were last week. It was great of course because we aren't working on any of the hard stuff, just enjoying each others company. So when it's all fun and good all you want to do is see them again... but wait. I'm just full of anxiety and why? I don't feel the need to know where he is or what he's up to. I'm not asking details and he seems very content with this whole situation. It doesn't bother him that we don't talk everyday. He's not working on his issues, he's just doing the same 'ole thing. It seems once again I'm the only one wondering. Now, here's the twist, someone else has asked me out. I don't feel really ready to go out with someone else. I don't feel well yet, and obviously I still have got some heavy baggage. Why anyone would want to go on a date with me is a complete mystery to me.

So I have to think about what that means for me right? But all I can think about is, if I were to accept that would mean I would have to tell SO about the date, I wouldn't feel right about it any other way, although I doubt he would give me the courtesy of the same information.

Help! I feel like I'm loosing focus. Does this mean that I should stop having face to face visits with my SO? I do look forward to our time together and love him, but loving him has never made it a good situation for me in the past. His actions are loving and respectful right now. How do I trust that?
I'm so confused.

Marci

bikewench

Marci...

I'll be confused with you. ;o)

What is it with us? Is this just a woman thing?

Are we geneticlally predisposed to need a male's attention?

I'm sick of my own mind. Sick of needing that attention.
But.. I'm scared to death of what's going to happen if I just let myself stop careing. I was so uncaring for so long... I bulldozed over so many people...
I guess it's payback time now.

I keep waiting for this knot in my gut to loosen.. and maybe flick a switch where everything will be okay in my head and my emotions... and I'll be utterly content with myself and be totally cavilier about any man that comes and goes in my life.

I can't believe the energy I put into this.

I really cant.

I suppose if I wasn't attracted to emotionaly unavailable men.. I wouldn't have this problem eh?

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Marci.

In the rooms it is often suggested to both recovering substance abusers and codependents that we refrain from new relationships until we've been in recovery for a year. I mean... look how confused you are and the guy only asked you out! Enjoy the fact that he asked. Be flattered. But be careful. If we don't take the time to examine the way we have behaved in a relationship that was problematic we often wind of repeating the behavior.

Hugs!

Cadence57

Oh... ouch ouch ouch ouch!!
::dancing around doing the "I just got hit upside the head with a 2x4 dance":: Ouch Ouch Owwwwie!!!

noifs2day

I'm with Smoke. Be flattered that he asked. You said your own answer - I think. See Quote.

I am coming out of a relationship that isn't finalized yet (he's not working his program and haven't seen him for two months.), but I find a great deal of peace knowing that my focus is on me. On learning my likes and dislikes, on learning how to take a complement, on doing nice things for myself. Learning how to say no politely. On working a program. Just tonight I made (I love cooking) a home cooked healthy meal for one, and I enjoyed it. No fast food tonight!

Recovery takes time. & I know I need to take time to recover.

Alexia

I was there Marci. Separated from AH (who was cheating) for three months, was a mess, went to alanon. Got asked out "to dinner as friends". This board recommended I not go, but I did. Needed to feel like I was worth something. Made it clear up front it was as friends only. BUT, the next day and for two weeks I heard how wonderful I was, just the person he was looking for, want a relationship, etc. WOW, not ready for that! Took me two weeks, and unfortunately I ended up being rude, to get rid of him.

Only thing that made me smile was my AH heard of my "date" and went balistic. (he has some nerve) Quit drinking (only one month ) and begged me to take him back. The shoe doesnt feel good on the other foot now does it?

Now, my marriage is not saved, and I'm not sure it will be. I'm just watching and waiting. Point is, going out just made a bigger mess than what I already had. You may want to stick with your girlfriends.....

Alexia

bikewench

Hey Cadence... ;o)

Where'd you put that 2 x 4 ? lol



Quality of life. That's what it's boiling down to for me.
My quality of life sucks as long as the important people in it are putting all their focus on using something that becomes their lover... their friend... their one and only.

Their using takes the essence of who they are... and leaves me a physical empty shell that I keep dry humping trying to milk some of what I need from it.... all the while reminding myself that I love them.. that they need me... and that things will get better.

Well.. I'm thinking this is BS... even while I'm doing it.

Can you say insane... ?? :arg:

So.. I'm thinking of starting a new program. It's called F.U. Anonymous.
In this program.. we will tell the addict to kiss off... and we'll use our amazing energy to support each other and help each other to go on and live complete fulfilling lives... minus the walking black hole. ;o)

whatdaya think?

Cadence57

I think that sounds like a great idea!

Interesting visual -- dry humping an empty shell - it made me laugh but... well, you're right. The PERSON I love disappears when his lover enters the picture. I'm glad you used the analogy - I sent him an email three or so weeks ago (before I found SR) and wrote a little "play" in which the alcohol was portrayed by "Lover" and I wrote our story - substituting beer with "Lover" and it was pretty amazing. It occured to me, before writing it, that I was acting like a jealous girlfriend when it came to his beer... that's what got me started.
We share the same mantra I see too -- I love him, he needs me, it will get better... I love him, he needs me, it will get better...

Here, I'll share my 2x4 with ya...
Marti

EDIT:

Here's the email I sent to him - it's a little corny - it's SUPPOSED to make you laugh but it's also supposed to make a point... This was when I was SERIOUSLY trying to MAKE HIM CHANGE

You have been cheating on me.
What? You don't believe me??? You think I'm crazy and imagining things???
Well, I have proof, so read on:


(DISCLAIMER: This is a dramatization based on real events. Names have been changed to protect the innocent and no beer was harmed in the making of this production)
Cast of Characters: He
She
the/his Lover
Others

OK - I'm trying to maintain some semblance of a sense of humor here, but it's time to move on to the serious stuff... I'm not doing this to rub salt in your wound - it's just a lesson in perspective.

Presenting the Plot and the Evidence:

This is the story of He and She. He is having an adulterous affair with his Lover. She loves He, but she is forced by their respective circumstances (and her uncertainty regarding his involvement with the Lover) to live in a far away land. Despite the distance, She has been suspicious for a long time about He's involvement with Lover. There have been little clues here and there which have hightened her suspicions. Whenever She approached He with questions and concerns, He would dismiss her fears and suspicions as her issues with infidelity - claiming that She has a "serious problem" with infidelity issues and He has absolutely does not have any serious connection with the Lover whatsoever. He asserted that the Lover was "just a friend" Because She lives so far away, it is difficult for her to prove that the involvement is anything more than an innocent friendship, and she begins to question her instincts.
"He" lied repeatedly when "She" asked him point blank about the Lover, insisting that Lover was just an aquaintence - a friendship, even - but nothing serious.
When She came to visti, He snuck around behind She's back to meet with his Lover. Since She's previous visit (and a few careless phone calls in between visits), when He came alarmingly close to being caught in his adulterous affair, He knew She was very suspicious... So He learned to be extremely careful to hide any and all tell tale remenants of their illicit meetings. One time, when She returned from The Teepee (a local convenience store), before He was finished with his Lover, He casually dismissed the incident by removing the evidence and trying to hide his Lover, and then He acted as though the incident never happened.. He then claimed that didn't understand why She was in a foul mood that day.
Even when He and She spoke on the phone, He was very careful to control his voice and hide the "evidence" of his Lover's existence in his living area - despite the fact that his hands were probably on his Lover, and his lips occasionally tasting her intoxicating sweetness, the entire time they were talking.
When talking to She about something that happend to him when He was with "someone" (his Lover), he'd often call the Lover by a different name in an effort to hide her true identity.
Then there were the dead-give-away personality changes (and He thought that She didn't notice but, when She did notice and bring it to He's attention, He denied the existence of those changes) - He would often become angry and irrational with She after a lengthy rendezvous with his Lover - like She's existence in his life was disrupting his fun and keeping him from his playtime with his Lover.
He cancelled plans with She to keep from having to leave his Lover and disrupt the familiar comfort of their affair.
Needless to say, He often had trouble making love with She, or He avoided it completely after He had been with his Lover
Although he never really admitted to having an affair, He nonetheless did finally tell She that he broke it off with his aquaintence, the Lover. He claimed He was was tired of the additional stress his Lover put on his body - and his fiendship with Lover was so sweet that He started was developing a rather unattractive Lover Gut (a by-product of spending too much time drinking in Lover's sweetness, although he denied that was the cause) In reality, however, He hadn't broken it off at all - No, He just became better at hiding and denying his indiscretions...
or so he thought...
She was finally able to obtain and produce evidence that He's involvment with the Lover was more than a passing aquaintence and, in fact, it was a full blown affair and He was still involved in that affair. In an innocent conversation between Others and She, the Others said they were surprised and shocked to hear He had broken off the affair with his Lover - they had seen He and his Lover in the throes of passion!!! She was devistated. She confronted He once again and, once again, He denied his involvement and then turned away from She and went to sleep in order to avoid any more discussion.
She tempted to discuss the "affair" with He several times before the revelation from the Others; He would say a few obligatory words of denial and then lead the discussion into an entirely different area. He seemed to be a true master at manipulating their discussions...
There were times when She gave He fair warning and told He that she wanted to discuss his "affair." Those were the times when He would suddenly become swamped with things He HAD to do and He would tell her "Let me get this stuff done and I'll get back to you" He rarely got back to her though... When (IF) He actually did get back to She, He was usually too far gone in the "afterglow" to be rational or reasonable. These times would always end up with He leading She on a verbal goose chase in an effort to keep the topic of conversation a safe distance away from the one thing they most needed to talk about... The Affair.
When He was finally caught red-handed and confronted with the proof, He "walked out" (or perhaps he ran away - it's unclear to the viewer -- leaving room, of course, for a sequel) He left She with little more than an emotionally barren note saying, "...expect to hear from me in a week or two".

It sounds like an affair, doesn't it?

It's all relative.
Alcoholic behaviour is very similar to the behaviour of a person who has been cheating in a relationship. The effect on the relationship is very similar as well... and the hurt, anger and betrayal that I feel are comparable to what someone feels when they discover that have been cheated on (it's a shock -- no matter how much "they" suspected, or how long "they" suspected it, before their suspicions were validated).

The only difference is that your affair is with alcohol...
And I can't compete with a bottle (or case) of beer...

Wait, there is another huge difference between alcoholism and cheating:
Being a cheater is a choice people make.
Being an alcoholic is not; it was bred into you - just as the color of your eyes and the shape of your nose were bred into you.

I decided to send you this analogy because I know how strongly you feel about infidelity. And, because you've been on the receiving end of the ******** and its associated feelings, I figured you would be able to relate. I've no doubt that you're hurting... And you're now faced with a very difficult and life altering decision that will involve making and experiencing a lot of drastic changes... it's scary, I realize that. But you are not alone - those who love you will not abandon you - no one will run away or hide. The pain and discomfort of all of this is temporary, however, the benefits of facing your disease head on, and making a commitment to honesty -- and honestly working on yourself and changing your behaviors in order to deal with your disease, will last a lifetime -- and it will be well worth it...

noifs2day

Interesting choice of words, but so true.
Where's the Meeting?

cwohio

great thread!

bikewench - i love your "no nonsense" approach!!! lol

cadence - great analogy story!

cwohio

bikewench

Cadence...

lol... that must have zinged him...

Awesome analogy.

And it went right over his head.. right?

I felt better for reading it though.. and I hope you got some satisfaction writing it... ;o)

Yup. Waiting for someone to change.

No mo.

I've decided to pick up a part of my life I let drop... it's work related... but... it expresses the creative part of me... and it takes up lots of my time and my thoughts.

I've decided to consciously monitor my thoughts... and when I start my cycle thinking... I'm going to counter that with...

I love me. I need me. ... and things will get better. ;o)


***

Hey NOIF..

When's the meeting... lol....

I think I'll talk to Jon... ;o)


***


Ever since yesturday afternoon... I've been thinking about how wasted the energy is that I invest in the users' in my life. And I have no hope of a projected payoff.

Now... I'm an intelligent woman... and I would never allow this kind of BS to work in any other area of my life... so why do I cut the user SOOOOOO much slack?

Love makes the world go round?

Well yeah...!!!!

That's all us codies... chasing our own tails...

Marcinor

So I know you all are right!

I feel so much better this morning. Yet...

Bikewench - "I keep waiting for this knot in my gut to loosen.. and maybe flick a switch where everything will be okay in my head and my emotions... and I'll be utterly content with myself and be totally cavilier about any man that comes and goes in my life.

I can't believe the energy I put into this.

I really can’t." ----- All that fits me perfectly. The knot in gut, though I know it shouldn't be there. The switch in my head, though I literally try to run it out of my head. I keep thinking, if I run enough and stay busy enough with my kids it will shake itself right out of my head and I will be OK.

I know I'm a physically strong woman, I know that I am smart and when not completely burdened by life I'm actually very fun and witty. Yet, here I am I let myself get to this point. Where I'm not only humping an empty shell, I feel like one of the people in that movie "Day of the Dead". Remember the old movie where the zombie people just sort of walked around aimlessly with their arms held straight out bumping into everything in their path? I know I can do better!

I'm ready to join your meeting too! Time and date please!

Cadence - Great letter! I know it was written for him but thanks for sharing it with us. Not sure if your SO is like mine but whenever I wrote a heart felt letter that was meant to change him, he'd read the first couple of sentences, decide that it was too much for him to deal with skip to the end. The funny part is that I've known this is what he does for nearly five years and yet I still wrote the d*mn letter anyway.

Thanks everyone for the smack with the 2 X 4 ... I think you should keep it handy, I'm going to need it again!

Marci