Blondie

I was doing so well, but since this new crisis (his DUI and accident) he is always home, always bitter, always sarcastic, and heaven forbid if I show any anger toward him for his nasty attitude and sarcasm toward me, not to mention his bossiness. He doesn't help around the house, and when I ask him to, he groans and complains about how hurt he is (he broke his leg in the accident more then three months ago, but whines when I ask him to do ANYTHING). I am now having trouble dealing with my anger toward him. My migranes have come back and I can't eat half of the time. Sometimes I actually find myself shaking because I am so angry, yet, when I let him know how I feel (and I do what my counselor said by being assertive, not using YOU as if accusing, etc, etc, etc), he tells me not to be so hostile or acts like I am "picking on" him or I am nuts. I was doing so well and miss that great sense of peace I had, but all of this is to much for me. Day in and day out, he is home and it's like a dark cloud over our house everyday. How in the world do you deal with anger toward somebody who doesn't care about how you feel and can only feel compasion for themselves and expects you to always be "Mary sunshine" and perfect?????

Magichappens

Sounds like you need to get away from it for a while. Even an hour or two doing something positive helps me. I get a lot of positive energy from Al-Anon meetings. I attend 3 a week and dare anyone to stop me. It was the best decision I ever made. Things haven't changed, but I have. I have learned to start taking care of me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Nothing is going to take away all the problems and struggle, but I lived it 24/7 for way too long. It's the alcoholics right to be as miserable as they choose, but we don't have to stay there with them.
I love my husband, but loving him doesn't mean I have to be miserable. I know that there is joy and happiness in every day, and through Al-Anon I have been able to find some of that.
You are not nuts. You just need some positive input. Find something to boost your peace and serenity. We can't win against constant negative input. If you haven't checked out a meeting, it is well worth it. Hugs, Magic

bikewench

Hey Blondie..

Well.. you sound kinda like me.

I guess we care too much. About others. Specificly.. people we love.

I keep looking for something from them. And I just never quite get it.

From being lied to that someone has to go to work so that they don't have to talk to me... to letting someone else put holes in my walls due to their anger... and still let him stay.

I just don't want to feel like I have to beg for someone to want to spend sweet time with me.

Angry. Hurt. Confused. Almost getting despondent.

I keep telling myself to focus on me... but I guess I've been other-ated for so long.. I have nothing invested in myself.

To top it off... now that I'm aware of the inbalance in the "giving" part... and I try to right that.. I get attitude that I don't love.. or care... or that I'm selfish.

So yeah.. Mary Sunshine.

I dont' know. Dont' know what to say to you.. don't know what to say to me.

I didn't care about jack sh*t when I was using.. and then I got clean and learned how to love... and now I guess I just love too much.

I pray for clarity... for the strength to not be tossed around by other's whims... and I pray that we can learn to love ourselves first... and let that be enough. I pray for you and me...

Blessings on you Blondie.

paulette

What happens to our knight in shinning armor.
This is what we see when we first meet the man we fall in love with.
It's still there somewhere.

If you keep feeling these feelings, all you are doing is putting one block in at a time in that wall you are building and that might be a good thing, I don't know. But I do know, in time, the more blocks that go up, the more and more the hate will build.

I hope your husband will open his eyes and see that you need him.

Try two things, when you ask for help, say would or will, never could or can.
In a man's mine, would or will gives him a chorce and they like that.
Could or can, a man thinks you are saying he can not do what you are asking.

Two good books I read are, men are from mars and women from venus, and also love is a chorce.
These books helped give me a different out look on things.
Good luck, try singing instead of getting mad.
sue

hopeforme

Wish I had words of wisdom but I don't....all I can offer is understanding..my fiance lost his license (2nd time) - this time for three years and even had to spend some time in jail. He didn't hurt himself in the accident/chase BUT he too spends all of his time / energy feeling sorry for himself and often being selfish and unthoughtful to how all of this has affected me. It seems I spend all my time focusing on him and so does he.

I try to remember that the cause of my anger stems from EXPECTATIONS - expectations I have on him - and then I TRY to remember that "Expectations are pre-meditated resentments"

I hope you are able to find a little of that peace for yourself

noifs2day

I am by far NO expert here, but I will share my experience. I understand the migraines and shaking. My niece has horrable attacks screaming from the pain. Hers are world-stopping for days when her stress levels are up. Another friend's are also more frequent when stress is a factor. It is obvious there is some extra extra stress in your life that wasn't there awhile back.

When my Fiance's doctor excused him from work due to back injury it wasn't long before the drugs and booze started rolling into our apartment. I was greatful to have a place to go. Work. I left early and came home late to escape the madness and chaos. Now, your situation may be different in details and such but if I had stuck around the house 24/7 I question if I would have made it out. The details are not really that important here though. - - - Maybe getting out of the house for even an hour or two would be benificial in your case.

Sometimes when a person (male or female) has a back injury or broken leg severe migraines or even an addiction their attitude is unacceptable to others around them. We react the them. Spending time caring for or living with someone with a broken body part, medical conditions, or addictions can be difficult to say the least, and usually stressful. All we can really do - Is love them, detach when needed, don't do for them what they CAN do for themselves, and to take care of ourselves by keeping the focus on yourself, or myself in my case.

You don't need to be "Mary Sunshine" because that would be a little delusional wouldn't it. No one is happy all the time. But we choose to be happy or sad or some varring degree in the middle. We choose.

Oh, and no one on this earth is perfect! Period. What a relief!
Please take time for you daily. Just for Today.

Hope that helps in some way.
--- I am asuming you do have an Al-Anon meeting. Right? Right?

Blondie

Thanks for the input. I do try to get away whenever I can. And yes, I think meetings may help, I'll start next Monday (there is one at our local church).

I honestly can say, that after 13 years of this garbage, I don't love him anymore (I haven't for about five years). I have taken communication classes a few times before and went to counseling myself because I thought he didn't give me what I needed because I was not expressing myself correctly. No matter how I asked for his help or support, it was never there. Whenever I'm in pain he shows no compassion for me (ONE example is, when I was pregnant and had morning sickness really bad he would get mad because his breakfast wasn't ready). And most of the time when I tell him what's on my mind, he either makes fun of me or gets angry (I'm afraid of his anger). This situation has just brought everything to a head. I have found that I just don't feel anything for him. I don't love him, I don't hate him, I'm just tired of the whole mess!!!

Lorelai

Yes, alcoholics are very self-centered. I know that my husband doesn't seem capable of empathizing with any of my feelings.

If you are tired of the whole mess, these boards and AlAnon will help you find a way out.
Keep coming back & catch a meeting. Things will get better.
L